The Vengeance

by Allison Rios

  “And?”

  Now he was being downright pushy.

  “And I don’t know. He gave me Rose. And I know he’ll protect her. I want her to grow up like him, you know? I want her to be brave and be okay with who she is. I was never any of that.”

  AJ cringed a bit at the thought. Rose’s father was a Grim. Her grandmother and great-grandmother had been Healers. Rose could turn either way in the future. Even though Grims were necessary on earth, he didn’t want to witness the agony she’d have to go through as she dealt with the constant guilt of taking lives.

  “You are one of the strongest women I’ve ever met,” he replied.

  The sincerity echoed in his voice. He didn’t have to fake that – the sentiment was genuine. Raising a child on her own, dealing with the local gossip mill; he knew it wasn’t easy on her, but she handled it with grace. She never stooped to lower levels.

  “You’ve only seen one side of me, AJ,” she half laughed. “You weren’t here when we were growing up. I have to be strong to protect Rose from the cruel words that people used against me. It’s not by choice but necessity. And even then, I never had enough strength until they placed that sweet little wrinkly baby girl in my arms.”

  She was still staring though something in her eyes changed. Since defeating Devin, AJ’s senses had become more adept at picking up on the emotions of others.

  “What happened?”

  “What are you talking about?” she asked, not looking at him for fear the eye contact would give it away.

  “You’re thinking about something, I can see it in your eyes.” And feel it, he thought to himself. “What happened to make life so hard for you?”

  “Besides having a baby and her father walking out on us?”

  “Before that, what happened to you to make you think you weren’t strong? To think that you needed a man to complete you? Because until Robert showed up, the only Addie I knew was one who didn’t need anyone else to take care of her.”

  She didn’t want to talk about it. She never had. It had been bottled up and locked down deep inside her mind since it happened. She didn’t speak of it to anyone. It was her secret, her kryptonite. Her heart told her that if she said it out loud it would be true. As long as it was a quiet secret in her soul she would be able to pretend that maybe – just maybe – she’d made it all up.

  In the same moment, her glossy lips were opening nearly against her will, spilling the details she’d kept expertly hidden for so long. It was as though she couldn’t stop herself. She wondered if her face looked horrified as the words tumbled out, because it certainly felt that way.

  “I wasn’t always so independent,” she started. “I didn’t trust people, didn’t let them in. After everything that happened with my mom I always felt so abandoned. I just wanted some concrete people in my life, something familiar. Aside from Gram, I didn’t have that. I just wanted someone to love me so badly.”

  She paused, gathering her thoughts. AJ sensed the hesitation and wrapped a comforting arm around her.

  “You don’t have to tell me, if you don’t want to. But maybe it would feel better to let it out.”

  She didn’t want to stop now. She had held in the vileness for so long. She wanted to scream it from the rooftops at that very moment, so that someone would know how much she had hurt inside. The memory was far worse than Robert walking away or her mother dying, worse in that it was a hideous secret hidden from everyone. No one had been able to comfort her, tell her all would be okay as they had with Robert and her mother because no one knew. While she suffered publicly with the other disappointments life handed her, this one had only been hers and it was agonizing.

  “You won’t repeat this, will you AJ? Nobody knows, not even Robert.”

  “Never, what’s said between us stays only between us, always.”

  She sighed, taking in a deep breath of the fresh air and floral scent that was wafting through the fields.

  “I wasn’t always a decent human being. I sought attention from anyone who would give it to me, whether it was good or bad. I can see that, looking back with wiser, more experienced eyes. When a guy took note of me, I jumped into it wholeheartedly, hoping that he’d find me good enough to keep. Good enough to love. That wasn’t exactly a great situation to put myself in, because what teenage and early twenties guy doesn’t like a girl willing to do anything for him?”

  A single tear slid down her tanned cheek, the path shimmering under the sunlight. He wanted so badly to wipe it away but didn’t want to release his hold on her. She was gripping his hand as if the world was ending and she needed his support. He wasn’t about to let go.

  “There was one in particular who I really thought I loved, before Robert. It’s ridiculous now, but back then I thought he loved me, too. Maybe he did, I don’t know. At first, at least, maybe he did. He was so sweet, buying me flowers, taking me places. It was good – the relationship that is – but even with the sweetness he showered on me I became bored after a while, because I wanted to feel wanted. I don’t know how to better explain it. I wanted this big spark, this big show of love all the time, because I wanted everyone in the world to see that I belonged to someone. Back then I created the drama, if you can believe it. I guess the constant breakup and make-up was what I craved.”

  She half-laughed again, her hands going up to her mouth. She could nearly see all the words floating in front of her, her story now out in the open being heard by other ears. It wasn’t a secret anymore. She wasn’t sure if this was a relief or not. It certainly brought a lot of memories to mind, all of them images she wanted to forget. She hadn’t been a saint growing up, of that, she was certain.

  “I was miserable to him, that I know. Starting fights, making life harder than it needed to be. I think, eventually, he just got tired of it. But you just sort of get used to having someone around, and like me, I knew he was scared of being alone. That’s what we had in common to begin with. But then out of nowhere it was like he had checked out and someone else had taken his place. Overnight he had changed. Somewhere along the way I woke up and he was a completely different person. After our millionth breakup and makeup, we had a conversation that I’ll never forget, mostly because of how I responded.”

  AJ was intently listening, his pearly whites biting his lower lip. He had so many questions but if he interrupted he may never hear the whole sordid story. He had this longing to know the dire circumstances that had shaped who she was as a girl and as an adult. This beautiful, strong woman hadn’t always been so and the notion intrigued him.

  She seemed to hesitate as if maybe it were a good time to stop. Perhaps, she thought, he might buy that as the end of the story. Looking at his gentle, concerned face she knew she was wrong. He was dying to know what happened next and not even bothering to hide it.

  “Here goes,” she whispered. “He told me one day that for us to get back together and stay that way, there was going to be a new rule. I would have to do anything he said, no questions asked. There would be no more fighting and his word would be the final one. Right there I should have known. Today, I would know to walk away, but back then I just saw that the guy I thought I loved was about to walk away from me. I didn’t want to be alone and to feel as though I didn’t matter to somebody. I needed to be needed. I told him yes and he took me back. It’s sickening to think about, quite frankly. He showed up to my birthday party a month later for an hour and then went out with his friends – this not caring about things important to me was just the tip of the giant, looming, destructive iceberg that grew to be our relationship. No big deal in the grand scheme of what was to come a little while later. At his house one night, he told me that we were going to have sex. I really, really didn’t want to. I can feel it even now,” she said.

  Her eyes closed and tilted up towards the heavens. It was evident she was feeling every emotion that had touched her young body that day. She trembled, although AJ wasn’t sure she knew it.

  “I wasn’t experienced in
that arena, despite all my somewhat-boyfriends before. I was more talk than anything. I was totally uncomfortable with it and even more so knowing that it wasn’t a request now but rather a demand.”

  She looked at AJ sure she would see disgust on his face. There was no way, she thought to herself, that he could look at her with any kind of respect after this.

  “The fear had nearly made me throw up as he loomed over me. I can remember the bile stinging my throat as I realized that this had to happen or he was going to walk away. I wanted to head for the door, but my heart, it just wanted someone to love me. I stayed. Silent, but I stayed.”

  AJ understood where this was going. He wanted to wrap his strong arms around the now feeble looking girl next to him, lost in her memory, and bring her the comfort she had searched for since she was a child. His muscles grew tense, listening her continue with the squalid details.

  “I followed him, not even able to say the word ‘okay’. We didn’t even get totally undressed because that wasn’t what he cared about. He just cared about getting the deed done and getting himself some satisfaction. As I laid there on the bed, I felt humiliated and dirty.”

  Her voice broke, the memories obviously overwhelming her as they stepped out of the truck and into the fields. The memories had been tucked away for so long that they caused a fresh wound to her ego and psyche. She touched her long fingers over her mouth, perhaps to hold everything in. She was supposed to be strong, she thought. The tears started and her voice cracked.

  “When I protested at the last minute before we started, completely scared and not wanting to do it, it was too late. He kept saying it was this or nothing, this or nothing, to just be quiet and get it over with. I can remember his hands on me,” she said, her arms wrapping around herself for comfort, “the look in his eyes just vacant. I could have been anyone because I was definitely not someone he cared about. I was nothing to him and I could see it plain as day staring up at him. He had my arms pinned with these angry hands and then it was all over. No words, no kissing. No ‘I love you,’ just emptiness and silence. He walked out of the room and back over to the couch to watch television, just leaving me there. I don’t even remember how long I stayed there. Time just sort of stopped, I guess. I didn’t want to cry in front of him. I wanted to hit him and beg him to love me all at the same time. How utterly pathetic is that?”

  She didn’t leave space for a response.

  “When I came out, he didn’t even look at me. How could he? He had no respect for me by then. I had no respect for myself. The man who had bought me roses and surprised me constantly was gone, leaving this shell of a person that I had helped create. I felt disgusting and gathered my things and left without saying a word. And still, I didn’t leave for good. It was another month or so before things really ended. But his stain was forever embossed on my soul, marked me as this wounded, weakened girl who thought so little of herself that she was willing to be degraded just to pretend somebody loved her. I’d been pushed around before, smacked a time or two, threatened – all by other guys that I was just as desperate to have fall in love with me. But this guy was the first that actually stole every ounce of respect and dignity I had for myself. What he did hurt far worse than any physical pain I’d ever experienced.”

  The fury fired up in AJ’s heart and he wanted to pummel the man – no, the monster – who had done this to her.

  “You never told anyone? About what he did to you?”

  “What was I going to say? In my mind, the only thing telling someone would do, would prove how weak and stupid I was.”

  “He took advantage of you.”

  “I let him do it. I didn’t fight him, AJ. And the worst part is that I still feel horrible that I turned him into that person.”

  “You cannot honestly believe that,” he responded, turning her delicate face with his hand.

  She couldn’t look at him, instead letting her saddened eyes absorb the blades of grass on the ground below the fence post they were now saddled on.

  “Addie, you overcame that. You built a better life. You are stronger now and that’s what you need to remember.”

  “I overcame that because of Robert. Because he found me and befriended me and then he fell in love with me. He saved me,” she said, trying to smile. “I never told anyone about this until you.”

  That made her slightly uncomfortable. It felt as though she’d known AJ forever. Talking to him was so easy.

  “When Robert showed an interest in me and I didn’t return his advances, he was so patient, gentle, and kind. He knew I was broken – everyone did. He didn’t care though. He was careful with me; protective of me. He never made me feel like less than a beautiful woman. It was months of knowing him before I could even let him embrace me in a hug, because I wanted no human contact. I flinched at the slightest indication that someone might wrap their arms around me or shake my hand. I felt covered in this slimy memory of laying there as my dignity oozed out. Like if someone touched me it was either to hurt me or pity me. He just waited and let me handle everything on my own terms. That’s why I fell in love with him.”

  “And now?”

  “I want that for Rose, you know? To see two people who love each other. To see how he loves me – I know he does. Regardless of what he did, for the first time I can look objectively and really see that behind it all, he does indeed love me in some way. I want him to guide her, to show her what real love is, because I didn’t have that. I didn’t have parents to set an example of a good relationship. I don’t want her to end up like I did, AJ, making the mistakes that I made, walking through life with these invisible scars that brand her as a weakling.”

  “You’re not weak, Addie.”

  “Maybe not now, but I was. It took a lot to recover from all of that. All of it being self-inflicted. Robert and I can show her what a healthy relationship is.”

  “But?”

  Her withering tone gave it away.

  “But he walked away. I can forgive him for it, but I’m not entirely sure I can ever forget. Especially because he knew how badly it hurt to watch him go. Especially when he knew how much I needed someone to love me. How do I get past that, knowing it would mean the world to Rose?”

  He pulled her shaking body tightly against him, smoothing her hair with his palm.

  “I wish I had the answers for you, but I don’t. I just want to make sure that you don’t put your life on hold for anyone else, you know? You shouldn’t live in a relationship you don’t want just because it would make Rose happy. If Robert is here to stay, there’s other ways for you guys to be a family – even if it is separate from each other. But if he makes you happy, I will do whatever I can to support you, as your friend.”

  He stopped himself short. What was he saying, he thought? It was as though he were subconsciously trying to destroy their relationship. He couldn’t do that, because he couldn’t take care of her how she needed.

  She looked at him and it was as if a movie began playing in her mind: flashes of AJ and her, his arms around her pulling her closer, his face leaning down towards hers. A smile, a laugh … a kiss. It all felt so real, not like she had imagined it. The emotion surprised her, sent a shockwave through her body. He felt real to her. Perhaps she was in love with this stranger, she thought for a fleeting moment before she dismissed it with a smile.

  She didn’t know him. She knew Robert. That’s how it was supposed to be.

  21 REVELATIONS

  “How about you AJ,” she called over to him.

  Wiping the sweat from her brow, she tossed a charred remnant of the wooden fence into the heap pile. She leaned against her shovel for support, tired and achy, from months of work as they sought to prepare the fields for the following year.

  “What about me?” he replied without glancing up.

  His chiseled arms stretched up above his head and brought the axe down with force, the charred post split so that he could pull it from the ground. He tried to avoid eye contact with her as muc
h as possible because when he didn’t, moments like earlier crept up on him and he found himself pulling her into a hug. His body refused for some reason to listen to his mind, as it shouted at him to stop putting his hands on her.

  “You ever been in love with someone?”

  He took in a deep breath and wiped his brow with the hem of his shirt. “Not that I want to talk about.”

  “Come on. I’ve shared my secrets with you. It’s only fair that you share some of yours.”

  “I don’t have any.” The lie slid far too easily off his tongue.

  “I know that’s not true,” she replied, masking her frustration with a wicked grin. “I don’t really know anything about you.”

  Correction, he thought. You don’t really remember anything you knew about me.

  “I’m a private person.”

  “AJ, come on!” Her voice was irresistible, and it took every inch of will power for him to avoid her eyes as she walked over towards him. “I just told you something no one else knows. You've got to give me something!”

  “Addie, I don’t have any secrets. My mom died, but I already told you about that.” It had come out of his mouth in a snarky tone that he immediately regretted.

  “You did?” she replied, somewhat flabbergasted at such a revelation. “I’m so sorry I don’t remember something like that.”

  “Sorry Addie,” he replied and let out a deep sigh as he turned his back to her. He dropped his chin to his chest. Staying in town wasn’t proving to be an easy task. “I know you can’t remember. I’m sorry I brought it up.”

  “Tell me about her,” she nearly whispered.

  Her eyebrows bent in concern as she stared at the man in front of her. She knew he had been special to her at some point in her lost memory or else he wouldn’t have that medallion of hers. And she knew she was more to him than just a friend, otherwise he wouldn’t still be wearing it. She spent hours each day assessing her life. She loved Robert and worked on forgiving him, but somewhere in her heart she had a tie with AJ that wouldn’t let her completely let go and go back to Robert.