A Simple Survey - Volume 01 - A Simple Survey

by Kazuma Kamachi

  Before Beginning the Survey

  Hello, hello. Welcome.

  I’m sure you all had your own reasons for coming here, but try to be patient. You may be short a few credits or you may have gotten a bit too wild at the new student party. I can think of all sorts of reasons, but let’s set that aside. It’s not very interesting.

  Whatever it was, this will get it written off.

  Your suspension will be removed and you will get the proper credits, so this is great for you.

  Hm?

  You want to know what we’ll be doing?

  Don’t worry. It won’t be physical labor like cleaning every university toilet with your tongues. It’s a survey. Just a quick survey. As you could probably guess from the fact that I gathered you here in the auditorium, I will be using a projector to show you some things on the large screen behind me.

  What will I be showing? Just some short films.

  Okay, then. Has the printout made it around to everyone? Then read it. You understand now, right? Reading that should tell you everything.

  I will be playing a few short films.

  You need to assign the short films numbers ranking them in order of your preference.

  No two can have the same number.

  You can change a number as many times as you like after writing it.

  As long as you end up with the short films ranked in order of your preference, it’s fine.

  Okay, that’s it.

  Simple, isn’t it? This will get you your first term credits, so it’s a good deal for you.

  And now, let the survey begin.

  (This survey requires reader participation. Make sure not to forget pen and paper.)

  File 01: A Computer Virus That Has Been Spreading of Late

  As I basked in the glow of a cat video on a video sharing site, a warning popup appeared at the bottom left side of my desktop. It was bright red.

  Malignant program code has been detected.

  Please choose an action.

  “So I’ve finally gotten a virus! And this one wasn’t blocked on its way in. It was detected after it infected my computer!!”

  As I shouted in my cramped bedroom, my school uniform swayed on its hanger.

  Luckily, the core of my system had not been directly taken out. Apparently, the virus had been detected while in my internet cache. Essentially, it had lost its way and could no longer find its destination. That was a bit of a relief, but it was always possible it could make it into the actual system from there.

  It seemed best to exterminate it as soon as possible.

  And so I brought the cursor to the disposal button on the popup.

  “Wahhh!! Wait, wait! Wait before you exterminate me!!”

  “Nwoooohhhh!? My head is spinning, so the naked eye 3D I had turned off must have suddenly activated! And is this an autonomous kunoichi virus!?”

  When I was about to delete it with a single click, (what looked like) a long-haired large-breasted girl stuck her troubled-looking head into view on the screen.

  “No, I was originally a standard maid, but I was changed to a kunoichi when people complained about a maid being a virus that stole data not making any sense.”

  “You were originally a maid? So are you that famous gold stealer that does truly horrible harm to people’s internet bank accounts? …And you’re the latest variation!? I need to compress you in a frozen state and report you to the security software’s emergency contact!!”

  “Gyaaaaaahhhh!! You would pack up such a beautiful girl and send her off to some strange research facility!? And you say you have a conscience!? Also, how can a boy like you show no reaction to my appearance!? Have more empathy! Have pity on me!!”

  As she cried, the ninja’s large breasts needlessly bounced up and down. The naked eye 3D made them swell out splendidly. To be honest, I had a feeling humanity’s knowledge was being used in quite an enjoyable fashion.

  But as you could tell from the conversation so far, this was what recent computer viruses were like.

  It had always been common for viruses to include traps that amused the infected. They would fake emails telling of important announcements, they would come with a convenient bit of free software, etc. Just as their methods of wreaking havoc had become even more ingenious, their methods of “amusing” had evolved as well.

  The autonomous kunoichi virus clasped her hands in front of her chest and looked up at me with tears in her eyes.

  “I-it is true that I am a computer virus created at the hands of a programmer with ill intentions, but…but! I may be large and seem different from other files the instant you embrace me! And I may be clearly adding to the infected files directly in the folders of the system core rather than hidden in the BIOS or the registry! But do I really look like someone who could pull that kind of evil off!?”

  “Uuh…The more I hear, the more I imagine some clumsy girl tripping and falling flat on her face…!”

  “I was originally a maid, remember!? I am the kind of maid that trips where there is nothing to trip over! I just happen to be dressed as a kunoichi!! I’m famous for having lots of functions, but not producing any real results. Is it really right to exterminate me just because I am a virus!?” shouted the autonomous kunoichi virus as she flailed her arms around in front of the display.

  Everything she said was calculated to be cute, but it made my head spin when she moved around a lot. That was the problem with naked eye 3D.

  “…Then what are you doing on my desktop?”

  “Please let me stay here. Right here! It’s really scary outside! The automatic cleaning systems on modern servers are just too dangerous! I won’t do anything. I’ll just sit with my arms around my knees in a corner of your memory! I just don’t wanna disappeeeeeaaaaarrrrr!!”

  “Mh…Mhhh…!!”

  The computer virus began to cry, giving me a look at what girls usually hid with makeup.

  I was starting to feel a bit sorry for her.

  The fact that I could kill her with a single click certainly helped to spur on the increase of guilt I was feeling.

  “Hah!? N-no, wait! Kikukawa-kun from my class had his entire bank account cleaned out by one of these things! This is an attack AI intended to bring on these feelings!! I can’t let her trick me!!”

  Incidentally, Kikukawa-kun was famous for looking really happy and crumbling whenever he was infected by a virus. It may have been a similar state to a guy who kept buying gifts for a cabaret girl.

  “That settles it. It’s extermination time!!”

  “What settles it!? I thought beautiful girls were justice!?”

  “I’ll show you that I can think with the upper half of my body on occasion!!”

  “Ehh? But, master, that cat video you are watching may call it a cat, but it actually shows a female primate in a sexy swimsuit…”

  “Gyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!? You’ve already started spying on meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!?” I shouted as the kunoichi began frantically waving her hands back and forth.

  “N-no!!” she said. “I didn’t see it because I wanted to! I’m the victim here. In Western offices, just having a girl in a swimsuit as your wallpaper counts as sexual harassment. So embarrassing☆”

  “You say that, but these warning popups are appearing with frightening speed!! You’re trying to open an unauthorized port, aren’t you!?”

  “Fwahh! I don’t want to do it, but it always seems to happen!!”

  “…So you’re the kind of virus that actually tries to help people, but ends up breaking all the plates!? That’s the hardest kind to control! Whatever you, the AI, want, things are going just as plann
ed for the programmer!!”

  “But is that really my fault!? Is it!? I just wanted to wash my hands of all this destruction and live a life where I don’t need to fear being deleted!!”

  “Gh….Ghhh…!! I’m just feeling more and more guilty!!”

  “(Grin)”

  “You just grinned! That really settles it!!”

  “Cough, cough! That was nothing more than a smile that slipped out at your great kindness, master!!”

  What had become of Kikukawa-kun in my class came to mind. At this rate, the same thing would happen to me! I also understood why this virus had such ridiculously high rates of infection and damage! But was it really right to exterminate the virus with that one click of the mouse!? What was I to do? How was I to respond to this crisis!?

  “I…”

  “I?” said the kunoichi with a teary-eyed but puzzled expression.

  I continued in a small voice.

  “I have a compromise. How about I put you in a quarantined area that is isolated by the OS?”

  “If you mean an area prepared by the antivirus software, that would just freeze me! In human terms, that is like stuffing me and putting me on display!! Don’t think anything is okay just because I won’t rot!!”

  “What about a quarantined area prepared by the OS rather than the antivirus software?”

  “In that case, I could do anything I like without affecting anything! Is that really okay, master!?”

  “M-mhhh… I-I have no choice. In a quarantined area, your actions wouldn’t do any real damage.”

  “Thank you!! Thank you so much!! Yay! Now, I don’t have to disappear… I was scared for a bit there…”

  As I watched the computer virus sit down (in midair) and rub at her eyes, I started to think I may have done quite a good deed.

  But then…

  “Excuse me a moment.”

  Another girl appeared on the desktop, pushing the computer virus out of the way. Specifically, she appeared from that first warning popup at the bottom left.

  With the other girl grabbing the side of her head in a hand, the virus’s face twisted into a scream.

  “Gyaaaaaahhhhh!? Master, who is this girl!?”

  “It should be obvious that I am the class president-type of antivirus software!! Victims fawning over you autonomous types were rapidly increasing, so I was forced to be given this kind of appearance, too. Ahh, it’s so embarrassing!!”

  “…U-um, I don’t quite follow,” said the kunoichi, looking troubled.

  The class president folded her arms which pointlessly yet dynamically lifted up the proof that she was a mammal.

  “Because…” In a motion that flowed from the previous one, she pointed at my face. “These people will only listen to beautiful girls.”

  I jumped in guilty shock.

  “When I was just an ugly rectangular window interface, they would do anything they were told by a virus wearing a red backpack and looking up at them with teary eyes and hands brought up to her mouth. They would just change the settings as told. The only way to combat that was for me to become an even more beautiful girl.”

  The kunoichi looked even more troubled.

  “Master…This may be rude, but do you not have a standard IQ?”

  “Th-this is no time to be worrying about him, virus!! You are standing before your natural enemy!!”

  “Gyaahhh!! Now that you mention it, that’s right! Master, hurry up and add me to the exceptions list! Sob sob!!”

  “You fool!!” The class president opened her eyes up wide. “Have you forgotten that I am a specialized piece of software put together to combat viruses like you!? I constantly gather virus data from around the world so I am always updated on their weaknesses. As such, I have the ability to open the eyes of my user with such extreme cuteness that your own moe-ness is blown away!!”

  “Ehh? But in light novels, the class president is not on the main list of attributes. Hee hee. They’re nothing more than side characters used to boost the position of the childhood friend and other more important characters. Grin grin. You do not stand a chance to overcome the impact of a maid turned kunoichi.”

  “Exterminate her at once!!”

  “Did the truth awaken your tyrannical side!?”

  “I was created as an optimization based on statistics gathered from all across the world! Look, I will win over that foolish user!!”

  “It looks to me like master is awkwardly averting his gaze. Hee hee. It seems a girl who can work is not the same as a popular girl.”

  The class president slowly turned from the kunoichi who was mocking her and toward me.

  “…User?”

  “U-um, I guess a maid clumsy enough to carelessly burn down the house would be a problem. Ha ha ha!!”

  “Master!! Do not change your opinion depending on who is glaring at you!! My life or my soul or whatever is counting on this main script!! You said you would put me in an OS quarantine area, so can’t you just do that!?”

  “I have been trying to tell you that antivirus software like myself exists because those OS quarantine areas have holes! It is because you users keep fawning over these things that the infections spread and my value drops! Pull yourself together!!”

  “Agh!! I have had enough of this. There is just one thing we need to clear up!!” said the kunoichi.

  “Yes, who is cuter, the virus or me!?”

  “Which one!?”

  Now…

  What will become of my desktop’s security?

  File 02: Please Feel Free to Consult with Us (But Use at Your Own Risk)

  Modern marriage consulting sites had become quite convenient.

  In addition to the fixed categories of age and occupation, you could also input whatever keywords you wanted to indicate your desired attributes in a partner.

  Elf, princess, white skin, blonde hair, looks like a loli but is actually immortal, speaks like an old lady, somewhat full of herself, can do housework nevertheless, can use magic and such, is the best when she is angry, full of overpowered abilities that give her complete control over the outcomes of every battle in the world.

  “Well, this certainly isn’t going to get any hits.”

  I sighed as I used my cell phone to hit the save button for the “desired attributes” field. It had all started with a phone call from my parents. They wouldn’t shut up about me getting married. For some nonsensical reason having to do with the daughter of an old friend of my father’s, it seemed likely I would be forced into marriage interviews before long.

  At any rate, I needed to have some proof that I was trying to find someone.

  But I really did not understand this whole marriage thing. In fact, I had never had a romance that lasted longer than 6 months. Not once in my entire life. Given the average lifespan in this country, it was not all that unlikely that even after I died, I would leave nothing but my waifu behind and anyone who had feelings for me would just continue their love for me. Even though I was dead. How was I supposed to imagine that? Could I even imagine it?

  Maybe I was just an unlucky person.

  Maybe I was.

  Probably.

  Well, if I had the animal desire to leave behind my genes, I just had to register with a sperm bank. My academic history wasn’t too bad, I had gotten into a decent company, and I had nothing much in my medical history. With that carefree thought, I returned to my gloomy apartment.

  “Oh, you’re back! Welcome home, human!!”

  …What?

  For some reason, a girl only 130 cm tall was sitting in my room! Just sitting there! That’s important, so I said it twice!! I was the one whose house had been broken into, so why was I the one freezing in place and being treated like the bad guy!? Had that thing I saw in the night sky three days before really been a UFO? Had the Men in Black come to destroy me socially!?

  The little girl (tentative title) circled around me as if inspecting me while I stood frozen in place.

  “Hmm. Asian, educated in econ
omics, black hair, medium build, healthy. Modern marriage hunting sites really are amazing. Your face isn’t the best and you’re lacking something in overall aura, but I have heard turning a blind eye to slight faults is the key to a realistic marriage, so I will settle for this!”

  “That’s just altogether rude!!”

  “Your apartment is rather rundown and the interior is overly used. Plus it has no style. …Simply put, this is just unfashionable and filthy, but I will settle there as well! So don’t worry!!”

  “If you weren’t a little girl, I’d punch you for that!! …Wait, what was that you said? Marriage hunting sites???”

  “You signed up for it as well. See?”

  The little girl (official title) showed me her cell phone. It displayed the top page for the marriage counseling site I had just been on.

  “All of these conditions you specified fit me. You could call this a perfect coupling!!”

  “Ehhhhhh!? Are you an idiot? Wait, am I the idiot for inputting these ridiculous conditions or are you the idiot for matching all of them!? A-and someone like that actually exists!?”

  “It’s the perfect coupling!!” shouted the little girl.

  Her ears were definitely pointed. And they were twitching a bit. So was she an elf? Was she also immortal? Did she have overpowered abilities that give her complete control over the outcomes of every battle in the world? No, wait! That’s ridiculous!!

  “Wait, what the hell is wrong with me!? Why would I even ask for someone who looks like a loli but speaks like an old lady!? Even as a joke, that’s kind of weird! Have I truly given up somewhere deep down in my heart!?”

  “Hm. No one had ever managed to match the information I signed up with, but it seems my time has finally come. I haven’t lived 20,000 years for nothing.”

  “I have no idea how long elves are supposed to live, so I can’t tell if that’s a bluff or not!! Actually, why is an elf using a marriage hunting site!? I don’t see the connection!!”

  She paid no heed to my shouting and waved her small index finger at me.

  “Tsk, tsk. What are you saying? That is an intermediary used to carry out a contract between different worlds. It is basically an electronic version of a contract on parchment.”