A Simple Survey - Volume 01 - A Simple Survey

by Kazuma Kamachi

  “…Oh, I remember that. That was the one with the changeable rough skin meant to alter air resistance. The technology was so specialized that it would be immediately identified as an Iga shuriken if it was left at a scene, so the higher level ninja who specialize in assassination were complaining.”

  “Uuh!?”

  I had heard that the ninja would purposefully scrape away the surface of the shuriken with a file, but hearing it said to my face did make me sad.

  Meanwhile, the raincoat-wearing huge-breasted ninja thrust her chest out in pride (causing me more problems!!).

  “Heh heh heh. The Ninja Patent Office uses a first-to-file system!! I do recall that the Iga rough skin shuriken was applied to the Ninja Patent Office. However, during the inspection, the Kouga developed their own, applied it, and it cleared the inspection!! In other words, ours is the official one!!”

  “Wait a second. That doesn’t add up. Oh, right. If I recall, when I applied for a patent, a virus scare in the Ninja Patent Office servers and a small fire in the document storage area caused the process to be delayed…”

  “Nyan nyan☆”

  “H-how could you!?”

  “What are you saying!? You Iga anticipated a portion of our development of mizugumo and submitted for a patent on a necessary part of the research ahead of us! We were forced to spend 5 years finding a way around that!!”

  “…Old man?”

  “Gwah ha ha! Being a modern ninja means being an expert in information warfare!!”

  “And that is why we must destroy your Ninja Art – Sleep Diver Technique before you can get a © added to the end!!”

  “I see, I see. And while we can do nothing but watch on, you Kouga will complete your research and submit it to the Ninja Patent Office? It’s already too late!! That will no longer work!!”

  “Nonsense. We have already checked. The Ninja Art – Sleep Diver Technique has yet to be submitted to the Ninja Patent Office!!”

  “Not to the Japanese Ninja Patent Office, no. But what about the Bahamian Central Ninja Patent Administration!?”

  “Hahh…!?”

  “Their inspection time is much shorter than the Japanese Ninja Patent Office, so I thought it would be easier to just use a foreign agency and system.”

  “Wha-…? You-…! You can’t do that!! The ninja is a part of Japanese culture!! It’s Cool Japan!! What are we supposed to do in the Kouga if you start bringing the Bahamas into this!?”

  “If you’re gonna complain, I suggest you take it up with the Bahamian courts. Bahamian lawyers will represent us and argue over the Bahamian laws in the Bahamian language. And you will have to pay for the trip to the other side of the world.”

  “Waaahhn!! I’ve never left the Chubu region, so I don’t think I could handle that!!”

  The nude raincoat girl (with huge breasts) ran off somewhere at full speed while crying like a child. By the way, the Kouga village was in the Kinki region.

  Kunoichi-chan had been completely taken aback by the entire thing, but she finally regained her ability to function.

  “…Old man, it was immature of you to make a girl cry.”

  “Huh? It seems to me, you let her escape!”

  “Argh!!” Kunoichi-chan clicked her tongue and began pursuit. “I’m betting her getting caught by the sensors on the way into the Iga village was a bluff! By giving us a sense of security by the fact that she did not actually make it in, we might be a little more lenient in our pursuit!!”

  “But the Ninja Art – Sleep Diver Technique was not damaged.”

  “How do you know that is what the Kouga are after? We only saw the secret scrolls in the Kouga ninja girl’s tablet!! All of that could have been planted for us to find!!”

  I realized she was right.

  But something still didn’t add up.

  “If she could get in just fine, couldn’t she have slipped out unnoticed just as easily?”

  “She can’t get rid of footprints and smell, old man. If we realized she did something to the Iga ninja techniques we are developing or had even stolen our technological information, we would have used dogs and everything else at our disposal to pursue her. But if she makes us think we stopped her before she could do anything, we will not be as tenacious in our pursuit. Despite it being the exact same job, we would be more careless and less persistent.”

  “…So that disappointed aura of hers was all an act?”

  “Old man, you secretly found her moe, didn’t you? We are professionals at this kind of thing, so be on your guard. At any rate, we need to take care of this Kouga ninja. That is how we ensure the safety of our business from the background.”

  “No, wait!!”

  “Wh-what is it, old man?”

  “This is the kind of elite ninja girl that was sent to the front lines. If we managed to acquire the ninja tools she has, we might be able to learn something about Kouga technology. Even if we could not use it, we could at least gain a better understanding of the direction their technology will develop in the future. Then we could put together some interception ninja techniques ‘ahead of time’ to oppose those things.”

  New technology opened up brand new territory. If that new territory was something no one had anticipated, the old methods of defense would no longer work. As such, massive amounts of research money were spent on finding paths to that unknown territory in order to take all the advantages found within for oneself.

  But if we circled ahead and sealed off that path and set up mountains of swords in that new territory, the Kouga would be unable to get back the money they had spent reaching it. They would be left with nothing but massive amounts of debt. That kind of monetary damage was a wonderful way of waging war, don’t you think?

  “…Old man, you’re a ninja too, right?”

  “Well, I’m certainly not a samurai that fights fair and square.”

  “Then don’t you think it makes no security sense for a high class ninja to be carrying technology they don’t want others to have when heading to the enemy’s village?”

  “That is why the Iga and the Kouga have this kind of cultural exchange. And that is also why I am creating wonderful ninja techniques like the Ninja Art – Sleep Diver that allows you – well, it’s not even you really – to head to the front lines without worrying about that.”

  “Okay, fine. I don’t want her to have the last laugh. If she doesn’t pay the penalty, this will have been a waste.”

  “Also, I need to ask that nude, raincoat-wearing, and huge-breasted girl some things about her body! That’s the dream of men!! In fact, it would be a waste to eliminate her! It wouldn’t be ecological!!”

  “Ah!! My motivation gauge just dropped down to zero!!”

  File 05: Watch Out for New Types of Scams

  “Is she moe?”

  “No! She is a bitch, not moe!!”

  “Uh…A waifu is the same thing as a wife, right?”

  “No! No!! Oh my god!! Waifus are not the same as your fucking old wife! They’re basically all virgins and pure ladies!!”

  The blond white guy and black guy with an afro at the next table were hotly debating what was likely some kind of global environmental issue, but I had no time to listen to them.

  “When you failed to advance two years in a row, I started to think you might be an idiot, but I never expected for an underclassman (ha!) like me to surpass you.”

  “Shut up!! So what if I’m an idiot!? Why did I have to choose a major with no set answers like philosophy!?”

  I had been stuck in my freshman year for more consecutive years than I cared to count, so a neighborhood little sister-type (even though she was over 20 years old!!) had brought me to a bar in order to console me. …The girl who should have been (but wasn’t) my underclassman was treating me and that just made the whole thing tear at my pride!

  “…Heh. Heh heh heh. Even if I’m losing in terms of school year and credits, I am still your senior when it comes to life. I have abundant experiences.”
<
br />   “True. I don’t think there are many people who have experienced living within an infinite loop. I await your valuable advice.”

  “It isn’t infinite!! I’m not caught at the receiving end of some endless midair combo attack!! I will escape this hell. I’ll start by heading to the philosophy professor’s office and bowing down to him!!”

  I repeatedly slammed my fist against the table, but quickly softened my blows because the contents of my beer mug were about to spill out.

  “By the way, what exactly do you gain from having abundant experiences?”

  “You get better at sex.”

  She glared at me.

  “…You have abundant experience with that?”

  “Sorry. I’m really sorry. I don’t have the experience needed to withstand a girl’s scornful look like that. I wouldn’t be able to stand being called disgusting by a schoolgirl.”

  I was like a salted slug.

  But I couldn’t stand it.

  I didn’t want to be looked down on anymore! I wanted to outdo her in at least one thing, whatever it might be!

  “I know!! With abundant experiences, you don’t fall for scams! I heard that on TV once!!”

  “If that was true, I don’t think the elderly would be the primary victims of phone scams…”

  “You just don’t understand, little miss underclassman!!”

  “Don’t get full of yourself. I am above you when it comes to school year and grades. I was thinking of helping you with your next report, but now I don’t think so.”

  The world’s most ugly expression appeared on my face.

  “…Eh…eh heh heh. Do you know about the roadside smoking scam, my wonderful upperclassman?”

  “What’s that?”

  She was the little sister type (even though she was over…etc.), but she was a college student who had passed the 20 year barrier, so she was trying out drinking and smoking “for now”. After 2 or 3 years, she would likely awaken to being a no-smoking warrior.

  “They have enacted rules banning smoking on the streets here and there, right?”

  “Yes, I’ve seen the signs. There’s a fine, right?”

  “Yes, but who collects the fine? A police officer? Or is it entrusted to a civilian like with illegal parking?”

  As usual, she tilted her head in puzzlement at my question.

  “Huh? Now that you mention it…”

  “That aspect isn’t well known. So you can scam people by approaching someone smoking in one of those roadside no smoking areas and demanding they pay the fine of a few thousand yen. They might realize it was a scam later, but the loss wasn’t that much and they were technically breaking the rule in the first place. For those reasons, the odds are low they will try to find you again.

  She threw an edamame into her mouth and sprinkled some salt onto the platter with a sour look.

  “It makes sense… But that’s only a few thousand yen.”

  “The first time, yes. But if you do it again and again, you can make quite a bit. Assuming you don’t try it on some gangsters or some other kind of landmine, you can make a fair amount of money. Unlike phone scams, you don’t even really need to be a smooth talker. All you have to do is not look particularly suspicious.”

  “I’ve never heard of that. Well, I don’t smoke outside anyway, so it has nothing to do with me. I’ll store that away in a corner of my mind, though. Thanks.”

  “Fw-fwoooooohhhhh!! That’s the first time someone has thanked me in half a year!!”

  “…Surely the clerks at convenience stores at least give a slight bow.”

  “The worker at the convenience store I go to always clicks her tongue when I walk in.”

  “That’s quite the aura you have!!”

  After that, we discussed the problem I had of having to yet again introduce myself and show off a hidden talent at the new student party without letting anyone know how many years I had been a freshman, the more serious problem of what would happen to me in the more specialized third and fourth years when the basic first and second years were causing me so much trouble, and the most serious problem of all of how many times you were allowed to repeat a year. Afterwards, I was feeling quite down, but then the little sister type (even though she…etc.) changed the subject.

  “By the way.”

  “What is it, little miss underclassman?”

  “…”

  “…My wonderful upperclassman?”

  “Where did you learn about that roadside smoking scam? Did you hear about it online? Don’t tell me you fell for it yourself.”

  “An excellent question!!” I sat straight up from the table I had fallen slumped over. “A kind person I met on a message board created an anti-scam manual! It’s the ultimate survival book that collects all the many traps that are running rampant in modern Japan and it only costs 1000 yen. Only 1000 yen!! With just the one book, you can protect yourself from all sorts of crimes. That was one great purchase I made!!”

  “…Um. If you recall, I had never heard of this roadside smoking scam.”

  “Yes, and?”

  “Does that scam even exist? Are you sure that book isn’t a scam filled with completely made up information?”

  File 06: 385D

  I was led here by a number I was cursed with.

  “…I don’t quite understand what you are trying to say.”

  “I don’t entirely understand what has happened to me either.”

  I was in a small non-chain café a bit away from the station. I was speaking with the woman who was the only other customer.

  Yes.

  I did not know what it meant, but I knew it had some meaning. It had always been the same. This was yet another checkpoint in a chain of events.

  “385D. That number has been around me for a long time now. The very first time, I received a piece of junk mail with that number on it. When I searched the block at column 38 and row 5D on the map, I found a plastic plate. When I left my things with the hotel cloak room, I was #385. The D came from the word ‘deposit’. That indicated my things were to be treated as more valuable than normal luggage.”

  After that, 385D was constantly following me around. When I found a time bomb and had no idea what to do, I randomly entered 385D and the timer stopped. I had once used a laser at an angle of incidence of 38.5 degrees for a data transmission. The D referred to the wavelength of the light used in the transmission. It stood for “deep blue”.

  “So while you were chasing after 385D or being chased by 385D, you made your way to this café?”

  “You don’t believe me. Well, look at this table’s production number,” I said as I pointed at the small sticker on the side of the table.

  I did not need to speak it out loud.

  “It says 3-85-D.”

  “That’s 385D. That number is everywhere.”

  I had hesitated over whether I should sit across from her, but the café’s owner had glared at me suspiciously while I remained awkwardly standing. I quickly sat down due to the pressure of his gaze. The woman did not seem to particularly mind that I sat across from her.

  “Tell me. What do you have? From everything that has happened to me so far, I must assume that you have something related to the full picture of 385D. It might just be a small piece. I want you to tell me what that is. What am I to do next?’

  “Why do you think I have something like that?”

  “I met you while following 385D.”

  “What if I told you I didn’t know anything about it?” she said smoothly.

  Her voice gave me a feeling that she would act the same even while viewing the end of the world.

  “Then I would give up here. But I doubt it will come to that. I’ve managed to come this far. Whether I want it to or not, 385D always gives me the answer. I could probably make it through a university entrance exam or the lock on the entrance of the White House using 385D. That is how my life has worked ever since that day.”

  The look in the woman’s eyes
changed ever so slightly.

  She sipped at a coffee I did not know the name of and said, “I see. This is very interesting, but how did you get to the address of this café? Its address is quite different from 385D.”

  “That was a tricky one. I started with 385 and D. If you want to use D as a number, you must switch over to base 16. That also means you cannot think of 385 directly as 385. If you convert the base 16 number 385D into base 10…”

  The woman’s expression did not change as I gave my rapid explanation. She had said it was interesting, but she did not look particularly interested. Well, whatever. I explained the process of adding, subtracting, multiplying, and dividing.

  “…And after all that 385D is transformed into 12-9-41 which just so happens to point to this café’s address. And the sole customer in the café was you, sitting at a table with the production number 3-85-D.”

  “I see. It does indeed seem you have gotten wrapped up in something quite strange. But it seems to me that initial junk mail might have had some ill intentions behind it.”

  “So what is the next 385D you have for me? Do you know?”

  “I called this strange, but I never said it was 385D I found strange. In fact, 385D itself is meaningless.”

  “…?”

  I fell silent and the woman continued.

  “Let me check something first. You have been followed around by the exact number 385D this entire time, right? It hasn’t been some different number. It has been 385D the entire time. And the consistency of the coincidences is what you find so odd, right?”

  “Yes. That’s what I’ve been explaining to you this entire time! 385D is everywhere around me!!”

  “But 385D, 3.85D, and 38-5-D all seem like completely different numbers to me.”

  “What…?”

  “They are, aren’t they? When working, do you see a monthly wage of 55,000 yen and a monthly wage of 5,500 yen to be exactly the same? And setting 385 aside, what even is D? The number loses all meaning as soon as you throw a letter of the alphabet in there. If you insist on it being a base 16 number like before, it could work, but it hasn’t been consistently base 16, now has it?” The woman raised her index finger. “What clinched it was this café’s address. You forced a number that clearly had nothing to do with 385D into fitting the pattern. You redid the calculations as many times as it took to make it fit. That is the truth behind this. You are not being followed around by 385D. Someone has led you to connect every number you see to 385D.”