A Simple Survey - Volume 01 - A Simple Survey

by Kazuma Kamachi

  On that note…

  “Senpai, why are all the paths leading to you covered in pitch black lines? And not just today. It’s always like that.”

  “My paths to you are mostly love comedy pink.”

  “It turns other colors?”

  “One day it was an embarrassingly strong love romance color…but for some reason, you ran away as quickly as you could yelling something about bizarre horror that day. I have never managed to arrive at the actual story.”

  “…Are you talking about the day we happened to run into each other in the school infirmary?”

  “Yes, the time when the health teacher was gone for some reason and all the beds were open. Also, my health had deteriorated after getting a cramp in my leg while swimming, so I was wearing my school swimsuit.”

  “Nnnnnnn!!”

  “Wait, Kudou-kun!! If you suddenly start slamming your head against that guardrail, this really will turn into horror!!”

  I truly wanted to curse destiny. Does that mean I would have been able to do you-know-what with one of the most beautiful girls on the planet, but I ran away at full speed of my own volition!?

  “But you know, Kudou-kun.”

  “What, senpai?”

  “I honestly think we would be better off without this ability the aliens gave us. Do you think so, too?”

  I nodded vigorously.

  After all, I wanted to do you-know-what! I didn’t want any horror, though!!

  “…So I was thinking about testing something out.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Resisting the arrows of destiny,” said my upperclassman with a grin.

  It was an attractive idea. And so it was the topic of a good bit of earth’s modern fiction.

  But…

  “That idea is attractive enough to have landed a solid place in the entertainment world, but that is because of how unreasonably difficult it is, senpai. Humans enjoy stories that let them do vicariously what they cannot do themselves.”

  “In my opinion, you are already under the arrows’ control when you are convinced of that.” My upperclassman lightly waved her index finger with what she was carrying still in her arms. “Of course, destiny itself does not have a will that wishes to control us. It is just a phenomenon. When we head down the path of horror, we switch our minds over to a mindset of facing horror. Take watching a movie for example. If you go into the movie convinced that it will be terrible and so you decide ahead of time to search out all of the faults in the movie, you cannot even begin to watch the movie properly, right? It’s the same as that. There could very well be love comedy situations down the path of a black arrow. However, our own minds refuse to pick up on it. That is why we end up thinking only horror can be found down the path of a black arrow. What do you think?”

  “Now that you mention it…”

  Whether the arrow indicated horror, love comedy, action, or suspense, surely the person seeing what lay down that path could interpret it how they pleased.

  Like finding a small harmonious and heartwarming scene in a horror movie.

  Like finding a short but memorable action scene in a suspense movie.

  When I thought about it, what was with the pink and black arrows anyway? On whose basis was the distinction between genres drawn?

  Normally, happening across the upperclassman I had a thing for on the way to school and getting to walk with her to school would be more than enough to count as a love comedy for me. No, I could not even talk about it in that kind of framework. When I was with that upperclassman, something that did not fit into any genre appeared within my heart. It was my own personal color. A single color that no word could adequately express was most definitely there.

  And yet…

  Why did I have to call it pitch black horror?

  What reason did I have to judge that this would be a terrible day?

  “Are you prepared to overcome this?” asked my upperclassman.

  She put her bag down on the ground and slowly reached her supple arm out towards me.

  “I want to jump beyond these arrows and walk my own path. What about you?”

  “…”

  No words were needed.

  I simply nodded, took my upperclassman’s hand, and started along that deep black arrow.

  A smile appeared on my upperclassman’s face of a type I had never before seen there.

  Our path was set.

  We would now overcome destiny.

  And just as the pitch black arrow predicted, a horribly bizarre type of horror that reeked of rusted iron began.

  But it was fun.

  When I was with that upperclassman, I felt like I would never die, no matter what happened!!

  File 11: A Girl Arrived as Collateral on an Unrepaid Loan

  A girl with splendid ringlet curls spoke while facing a tea table in my run-down 4.5 tatami mat apartment.

  “Awful. This food is just so…so crude!! Ahh! I cannot believe you are forcing me to put this in my mouth! You have a truly horrible soul if you enjoy watching me sully the inside of my body like this!! You pervert!!”

  “Why is that the only thing you can say to the person who made you some food!? In fact, there’s something fundamentally wrong at the point that I’m having to pay out of my own pocket to feed the girl who arrived here as collateral on an unrepaid loan!!”

  One day, this girl had appeared before my apartment with a notice of a loan in hand.

  I had feared it was some kind of false claim, but it turned out the positions of lender and borrower were reversed. In other words, she had come to my apartment as collateral on an unrepaid loan.

  “But why did my grandfather lend some stranger money…?”

  “We had completely forgotten about it, but it turns out we borrowed around ten million yen 50 years ago. If you adjust for inflation, that comes out to about 10 times as much. Also, that was a time when there were not many laws related to lending money, so the interest was at a ridiculous rate of 10% every 10 days.”

  “And that’s why the daughter of a large conglomerate showed up at my student apartment?”

  She was clearly wearing a dress.

  She was clearly a princess.

  She emitted an aura that made it hard to believe she belonged to modern society, and yet she was devouring rice from a 100 yen rice bowl.

  “That was in the days when laws against such things had not been set, but since a contract was made, it cannot be helped.

  “(…I’m betting grandpa just got carried away and added those parts at the last second.)”

  “Did you say something?”

  “No.”

  “Anyway, back to this rice! It is impossible to describe how bad this is!! Someone who eats this every day cannot possibly be of a sound mind, but I have no choice, so give me more!!”

  “The flow of your sentences is so mixed up it goes beyond tsundere!!”

  I refilled the 100 yen rice bowl that also had a chipped edge with white rice and handed it back to the princess. She immediately began complaining again.

  “After this torture you call a meal is over, I need you to take me to an imported furniture store. We need to at least have the bare minimum of what is necessary to live as human beings.”

  “No!! You’re the one that’s indebted to me, so why should I go bankrupt for you!?”

  “What are you talking about? What am I supposed to wear? When are you going to prepare a car with a chauffeur? Oh, and I would like a pet.”

  “Have you never heard of the term LOHAS!?”

  Girls treated as collateral for loans were often seen in dramas, but did I really gain anything from this?

  The thought process of “Heh heh heh. I’ll do this and that to her.” would not occur unless she was incredibly attractive. This princess who was currently stuffing her mouth full of white rice with a sulky expression was certainly beautiful…but…how should I put it? She did not have any coquettishness to her. Just as how no one would get an erecti
on while looking at the Mona Lisa, there was a difference between beautiful and erotic.

  So what was there left for me?

  From a purely monetary standpoint was there any value to a normal girl beyond what she could make at a part time job?

  And this was a princess.

  I doubted she could do something as simple as pull up some weeds, much less work a part time job. How was she supposed to be of any use to my life?

  “Hey, princess. What are you going to do from now on? Y’know, about things like school.”

  “Do you really need to ask that, you fool!? You hold the life of this poor, helpless caged bird in your hands. That means you must take responsibility and send me to a prestigious girls school, open a path for me to get into a prestigious university, and make sure I can enter a prestigious corporation.”

  “I have to do all that!? You’re from a huge conglomerate. Can’t you just enter one of your group’s companies!? Hell, you could do that right now!! I’ve heard of even middle schoolers working as the president of a start-up!!”

  “As soon as I was taken as collateral for that loan, my ties with the conglomerate were cut. I now belong to you.”

  The princess must have missed her old life because she looked a bit despondent.

  But was that true?

  I was pretty sure I could see something glittering on the rooftop of the building across from the balcony. That wasn’t from binoculars or a sniper rifle’s scope was it!?

  That was when the doorbell rang.

  Hearing it, the princess said, “Go answer that, servant.”

  “You are indebted to me!!”

  With that pathetic remark, I headed for the front door. When I opened it, I found yet another strange girl standing there.

  She also had ringlet curls, but they were done up in a way that was somehow reminiscent of pigtails.

  And she was short.

  “Nywah ha ha!! So this is the Sargasso that onee-sama ended up in after her long time adrift!! It is even more chaotic than I had heard!!”

  “This is so sudden, I really have no idea what is going on!!”

  “…That is my younger sister. What are you doing here?”

  “I merely came to tell you how good it feels after so many long years of being distanced from inheriting the family due to being born from a different mother and being the younger sibling!! By the way, poor student.”

  The princess (second in line) put her hands on her hips, thrust her chest out in pride so much I thought she was going to go all the way back into a bridge, and smiled.

  “What?”

  “It seems you will soon fall into debt due to my sister’s manipulation. How about I pay for such things?”

  “Mh!? Do not do it, servant!! She is attempting to indirectly gain control of me by binding you financially!! Do not give into temptation!!”

  “Nywah ha ha!! It is too late, sister!! Money is justice. I think I will dress you in a maid uniform and have you play with me!!”

  Her request showed a surprising hidden cuteness deep down within her, but her older sister paid that no heed. Instead, she shot back with a comment of her own while pouring miso soup onto the white rice in the rice bowl.

  “…As another daughter of the conglomerate, do you not count as collateral on the loan as well?”

  “…”

  “…”

  “…”

  And so…

  “Th-then, I suppose a proper introduction is in order, poor student.”

  “Nooooooooooooooooooooo!! I gain nothing from any of this!!”

  File 12: A Santa Claus Trained as a Gentleman Thief

  Santa Claus existed.

  And he was quite nearby.

  “Here’s your chasu-men! Oh, are you Santa Claus by any chance? Your outfit is all red.”

  And yet this was a Chinese restaurant with the floor sticky with oil!!

  “(Shh! You can’t do that, old lady! There’s a rule saying any children who learn Santa’s identity don’t get any presents! So don’t go around saying that!!)”

  I frantically looked around, but it was lunchtime on a weekday, so there were no kids in the restaurant. All the good kids were in school. The only other customers were a pair of well-built foreigners.

  “What’s that?”

  “This is a bath poster.”

  “Uh…Why are you taking it into the bathroom?”

  “Hey! Don’t ask that! You’re insensitive!!”

  They were speaking English, but from what I could gather of that exchange, they had not heard what we were saying over here.

  The old lady looked puzzled.

  “Why do you have a rule like that?”

  “I didn’t make the rule, so I don’t know. After all, there are over a million Santas across the world. Now, time to eat.”

  “Well, having dreams is a good thing, so keep up the good work.”

  Just as the old lady left with a smile, my cell phone began to vibrate. While slurping up the noodles, I used my left hand to check the email.

  (…Shit, I had a feeling it would end up like this.)

  After finishing the chashu-men, I left the Chinese restaurant. A pure red sports car was stopped out front. Needless to say, that was Santa Claus’s theme color. Well, I couldn’t deny that a certain famous carbonated beverage had had a hand in that. But leaving that aside…

  “Rightia, Leftail. …Why do we have a two-seater when there’s three of us?”

  “Reindeer are viewed of as two to a group, so it can’t be helped.”

  “And Santa is seen as sitting in the back, so it can’t be helped.”

  “Keep this up, and I’ll stick a bit in your mouth and whip you.”

  The two people speaking brazenly were both beautiful girls with long blonde hair. They were not twins. All modern reindeer were like that. They wore light brown fur coats and thick collars with small bells attached. Overall those partners of mine looked like their outfits had cost more than my own as Santa.

  As I had no other choice, I crammed myself into the small luggage space.

  “I read the email. I take it Shindou Mimi-chan’s parents refused.”

  “Yes, but it wasn’t for religious reasons.”

  “More accurately, the mother wanted to cooperate, but the father got really angry for some reason.”

  I clicked my tongue.

  “So it’s 2 against 1 if you count Mimi-chan. Continue.”

  Rightia practically jumped up from the passenger seat in joy at the sulky way I said that.

  “Now we’re talking! If the dad hates Santa, then Mimi-chan must have had a rough time of it when no present was delivered year after year. We need to give her something worth waking up to!!”

  In contrast, Leftail tapped her index finger in irritation on the steering wheel and voiced her concerns.

  “But, Santa. This is the home of the president of Peach Software, a multinational corporation. The industrial espionage countermeasures are probably some of the best in the country. How are we supposed to sneak in?”

  Basically, Santa Claus went to the houses of all children who wanted a visit.

  However, there were some houses that were difficult to deliver presents to for various reasons.

  We were called in for those cases.

  Those cases called for a Santa Claus trained as a gentleman thief.

  “Rightia, did you get the blueprint of the mansion?” I asked, but the reindeer operating a tablet computer with her index finger shook her head.

  “The data had been deleted from the construction company’s system.”

  “Try their advertising firm. If I’m not mistaken, footage of that mansion being constructed was used in a TV ad. Only a dozen or so seconds was used, but it covered weeks of time. The ad let you see the mansion being built as if it was being fast forwarded.”

  “I see. …Oh, here it is. It looks like I can get a diagram from this footage.”

  “Good, good. Leftail, how did the investigat
ion go?”

  “Mimi-chan wants one of those stuffed bears that moves based on an AI. She wrote it in one of the Christmas cards to Santa Claus that are sent from around the world to the Vatican. I have already purchased it.”

  “Okay. That just leaves their security.”

  Peach Software did not leave its security to some external security company. Instead, the group had bought up an entire security company and had them protect the secrets of the multinational corporation using a unique routine. Naturally, they were very well trained. As the company was left in charge of some military software, they had to deal with foreign spies disguised as industrial spies on occasion. I had heard that the guards had more than handled them.

  In other words, a standard Santa Claus could not handle this.

  There was a good reason that Mimi-chan had never before been delivered a present.

  “I can dig up the locations of cameras and sensors using the diagram of the mansion, but I won’t be able to ‘see’ where the flesh-and-blood guards patrol. I doubt that data will be easily stolen either.”

  We would be taking on an opponent of that caliber without practice.

  It would certainly not be fun.

  “This is dangerous. If it turns into a straight fight, there is nothing the three of us can do.”

  Despite what she was saying, Rightia seemed to be enjoying herself very much.

  I calmly replied to the mini-skirt reindeer to bring back her self control.

  “I have never heard of a Santa Claus charging in through the front door. We sneak in during the dead of night.”

  “If the mother wants to cooperate, how about we try contacting her?”

  “Do you really think that old man will let that happen? He’s always boasting about the overwhelming market share his internet browser and smartphone have. In fact, he made that tablet you’re using. Don’t you think he would intercept any contact we tried to make?”

  “That’s it!” I snapped my fingers. “Let’s contact the mama knowing that the old man will intercept it. If we give them a false infiltration route, the guards will focus in that direction.”

  “Then why don’t we send a card announcing what we’re going to do? Or rather, 50 or even 100 of them. Even if he knows most of them are false, he’ll have to post a certain level of security at all of them. That will leave fewer guards where we need to go.”