by JB Bonds
“As far as the Caliente Honey, I’m not sure there’s a problem there. Everyone seems happy enough with the product. No one has complained about its effects. I know Virgil is a licensed pharmaceutical representative, so he can sell the product. But this business with Ida and McGhee isn’t good. I think a community meeting is in order. We need to talk about this before it balloons into something really ugly. How about Wednesday around 8:00 p.m. after your book club meeting, Joanie?”
Chapter 12
Joanie Gets a Buzz On
“Joanie, I know you’re going to think I’m crazy, but what do you think about us buying a bottle of Caliente Honey?”
“That question coming out of your mouth does make me think you’re a little crazy.”
“I’m thinking that might be the best way for us to do a little more research on the product. My guess is that the stuff has a lot of caffeine in it. The reactions a lot of the residents are having mirrors caffeine overdose exactly. If that’s the case, something has to be done. Most people can tolerate caffeine in small doses, like their morning coffee. But then there’s another section of the population who don’t tolerate caffeine well and can have some bad reactions.”
“And I see where you’re going with this. You’re one of those people who can’t tolerate even a tablespoon of caffeine and I seem to have no reaction at all, other than sleeplessness if I have any late in the day. Are you thinking I should take the elixir?”
“Not for long! Just for a couple of days so we can see firsthand what it does.”
“I agree with this, but not enthusiastically. For the sake of research, I’ll give it a try.”
Virgil wasn’t surprised to see Roz at his door later that morning asking for a bottle of Caliente. I guess he just assumed it was only a matter of time before we asked for some. He comes across as so confident with his product. Roz said she asked about Flo and how she was doing with the Vitamin E she had left for her. Virgil said Flo was doing fine, just sleeping in, and the E seemed to be working well. For two people who supposedly took the Caliente on a regular basis, they seemed very mellow. They looked good and seemed to have lots of energy, but they weren’t manic like the people we knew that were using the product. Maybe with time their bodies had gotten used to it. Who knew?
“OK, no time like the present. Measure out the dose and let’s see what happens,” I said as Roz walked back in the door.
I took the elixir and felt fine for the first fifteen minutes or so, but then I found I couldn’t sit still. The first thing I did was rearrange some of the kitchen cabinets and put our spices in alphabetical order. Roz was keeping a close eye on me as I flitted from room to room. She noticed I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. I chatted nonstop — she could hardly get a word in edgewise.
“Joanie, how do you feel?”
“I have to admit I feel great. I have more energy than I’ve had in years.”
“Come over here and sit down for a minute. Hold your hands out in front of you.”
I tried to hold my hands steady but they were shaking. I also tried to focus on Roz but my eyes seemed to be jumping around.
“Joanie, I think you’re on a real high.”
“I feel like I’m on something,” I said as I jumped up from the chair to rearrange the bookshelf.
“We’ll see how you feel once the effects wear off, which shouldn’t be too long.”
“I feel like I could do just about anything I want to right now. Amazing! No wonder Virgil and Flo love this stuff so much! If I could feel like this all the time, there’s nothing I couldn’t accomplish. I love it!”
“From what I’m seeing right now, there’s no way anyone taking the Honey should ever take it at night. You’d never get to sleep,” Roz said.
“No way! That’s the last thing I want to do right now. By this time each day, my body is usually starting to gear down for a little nap, but not today! Maybe this elixir is a magic drug that all seniors should be taking.”
“Uh-oh…sure hope we haven’t started something here we can’t stop.”
“Oh, Roz, come on. Take a little nip and join in on the fun! I love this stuff!” I said as I went over to the stereo and turned on some Boston that just about blasted both of us out of the room.
I got more accomplished at our house in the six hours I was on my high than I had done in weeks. Once the effects wore off, all I wanted to do was sleep. I guess I was worn out. I could also understand that those people taking the elixir who did not understand what was going on in their bodies would miss the high once it wore off. That could be the beginning of a real problem. It was apparent that whatever was in Caliente Honey really revved up your system, and Roz wasn’t sure what that meant for a person’s heart and circulation.
There were fewer people at bingo that night. From what we understood from some of the other bingo players, there was a group of residents throwing a reggae party somewhere in Rainbow. At our table alone, we were missing Burton and Flo. Roz and I wondered if Burton’s RV was party central for the evening. McGhee and Ida had joined our table, and of course, Joe and Lois were there. I noticed right away that Lois seemed agitated. As Herb called out numbers, Lois kept putting her hearing aids in and out of her ears, shaking them, and twisting the tiny dials. She finally fished around in her pocketbook and found some fresh batteries. At the same time, she pulled out a small bottle and took out two tiny tablets. She had quite a pile of stuff in front of her. I hadn’t seen her at the Hammonds’ purchasing the elixir, but the way Lois was acting made me wonder if she wasn’t taking the stuff. We started the next game and Herb was busily calling out numbers when I looked up at Lois. She was very gingerly popping the pills into her mouth along with the two hearing aid batteries. She washed everything down with a couple swallows of Pinot Noir.
I lunged toward Lois and grabbed her glass of wine. She was totally startled but I could see there were no pills or batteries on the table.
“Lois! You just swallowed your batteries!”
“What? You know I can’t hear you. I don’t have my hearing aids in,” she shouted at the top of her voice.
I stood up and leaned over so I could yell into Lois’s ear.
“You just swallowed your batteries!”
“I just swallowed my what?”
“Your batteries, for your hearing aids!”
By this time everyone in the Recreation Center was tuning in to the drama at our table.
“Oh my gosh, you know what I’ve done? I’ve swallowed my hearing aid batteries! Oh well, not to worry, I’ve done it before. No harm done. Doc just told me it was a waiting game, if you know what I mean. I’ll find them in a couple of days. What was the last number Herb called?” Lois screamed. She looked around and saw everyone staring at her.
“What?! Is something showing that shouldn’t be?” Lois asked as she groped the front of her blouse.
“B17!” Herb loudly announced, again, from his stool up front.
“Did he say B17? BINGO!” Lois shouted.
“You’ve got to be kidding,” Joe said as he rolled his eyes.
By the time we got back from bingo that evening, I needed to go to bed. After only one tablespoon of the honey, I was still dealing with its effects. You’d think I could handle that small amount of the elixir. After all, I love my margaritas, and drink them on a regular basis, but never have they affected me like this elixir.
Chapter 13
Longing in My Skin
Roz and I picked up Ida and McGhee in our golf cart at about 6:00 on Wednesday evening. McGhee was interested in the book club and Ida was hot on learning how to play mahjongg. Roz had spoken with Herb and Bonnie about reserving a small room in the Center with a couple of tables to start a mahjongg group. It was easy to find people who were interested in learning the game or already knew how to play. There was a large group of people waiting outside Roz’s room when we g
ot there. There were about ten people outside the room reserved for the book club. This looked very promising for both of us.
Everyone went into their respective rooms, found seats, and commenced to chatter away. I could see Alberta had actually brought some kind of reading materials with her. Once everyone got a couple of cookies and a glass of the wine I had brought, we found our seats. Before anyone could settle in, Alberta jumped up and said she had something she wanted to read to us.
“Sure, Alberta, go ahead,” I said.
In a loud voice Alberta began her recitation,
“Do you see it every time what’s lurking in my mind?
I want you desperately; surely you can see the longing in my skin.
I want to let you in to touch, smell, and taste in lustful frenzied haste.
The tension mounts each time I see you.
Sweet torture that I go through. Please end this agony and give yourself to me.”
No one said a word. I cleared my throat and said, “Alrighty, then. Alberta, that was nice.”
“This poem comes from a book I found online called Longing in my Skin by Karen Lee, and I think it should be the first read for our book club. It says right on the front of the book it has been on the erotic best seller list for six months!” Alberta laughed so loud she surprised herself.
In the back of the room I could see two ladies talking agitatedly, and then one of them jumped up and addressed the group. “My name is Kathy. I can tell you right now, I will not be a part of a book club that reads erotic books.” She plopped down into her seat.
From the front row, four ladies were whispering and giggling and basically being a real nuisance. I asked if they had anything they wanted to say.
One of their group stood up, rather shakily, and said the four of them thought the book sounded kind of interesting.
Everyone was talking and shouting. Alberta was standing at the front of the room waving her erotic book over her head and generally being obnoxious. There were only two men in the group and they went out the back exit. McGhee had gotten up to go to the bathroom shortly after Alberta read the poem and hadn’t returned. I stood up, waving my hands over my head and asking for everyone’s attention.
“Excuse me. Could everyone listen up? I’m going to pass around a sheet of paper. Write your name and phone number beside the month you would like to supply refreshments and choose our book to read for that month. We’ll meet here the last Wednesday of every month at 7:00 p.m.”
Alberta jumped up again and asked to see the sign-up sheet. The ladies in the front row had just gotten it. She walked over, snatched the sheet out of one of the ladies’ hands and proceeded to sign up for our March meeting, and of course, telling us her book was the read. No one said anything for a couple of seconds, but I could see the four ladies up front were chomping at the bit to get out of there, so I invited everyone to enjoy the cookies and wine and a little conversation before adjourning. Kathy and the woman sitting next to her left without another word and did not sign the sheet. McGhee came out of the bathroom just in time to see Alberta waving her book around. She sat very quietly and gave me a sweet smile. Our meeting had lasted all of twenty minutes.
This hadn’t gone at all the way I had planned. Roz is always telling me I set myself up for disappointment because I try to control everything. Obviously, this meeting was a perfect example. I could feel my blood pressure rising and my face burning red. As I gathered my things, I walked over to McGhee.
“McGhee, are you all right? I asked.
“Oh my yes, I just had to go in the bathroom for a little while. I’m fine.”
“I hope Alberta didn’t embarrass you with her poem.”
“Lands, no. I thought it was kind of pretty, myself. Are we really going to read that book?”
“That’s our selection for the month of March.”
“I can see right now that Florida is going to be an eye-opening experience for me and Ida. I hope she’s enjoying mahjongg as much as I enjoyed this book club meeting!” She threw her head back and let out the most wonderful, full-throated laugh I had ever heard.
“I can tell you something, too, McGhee. You better get online fast if you want a copy of the book.”
Ida and Roz came out of the mahjongg room chatting away and proceeded to tell us how things had gone with their group. Roz motioned us over to a table and had us sit so she could tell her tale.
“That was the strangest game of mahjongg I’ve ever been a part of. I was so excited about having enough people to actually have four tables of four. I did a group demonstration on how to build the walls, do the Charleston, and pick a simple hand and stick to it. Everyone seemed ready to start playing. I could tell there was one table of four who seemed really talkative. We started the game, and not five minutes into it, the people at that table jumped up and started dancing the Charleston, thinking it was one of the funniest things in the world. Needless to say, that was a tad disruptive. They asked if they could take a short break. The four of them jumped up and went charging out of the room, literally running. After fifteen minutes or so, when the group didn’t come back, I went to look for them. I found them in a line dancing class down the hall, dancing away. After that, things settled down a little in my room, but we didn’t have time to play another game. I knew we were having this community meeting, so I told everyone we’d give it a try another time. Pitiful, that’s what it was!”
“Roz, it sounds like you had as much control over your group as I did.”
McGhee and Ida erupted into laughter and swore this was the most fun they’d had in years.
We closed up our two rooms and the four of us went into the large meeting room of the Recreation Center where Herb was arranging chairs in preparation for the community meeting. It wasn’t quite 8:00 p.m. Herb had done a great job announcing the meeting on his bullhorn. I was hopeful Burton would be there, because he had missed bingo and the book club, which wasn’t like him. He was such a social butterfly. By 8:15, the room was filled with residents seated in the folding chairs. This was a good show of interest. Herb went up to the front of the room and all got quiet.
“Good evening, everyone. I’m glad so many of our residents made the effort to come to this meeting. I have a matter I would like to talk to you about. First of all, I would like to introduce our newest residents. McGhee Parker and Ida Jones, would you please stand up?”
Ida and McGhee very slowly stood up, nodded to everyone, and sat back down.
“Actually, what I have to talk about involves McGhee and Ida. They moved in here about a week ago and have experienced a couple of unsettling incidents. The ladies installed an umbrella clothesline in their yard and hung a load of linens out to dry. While they were at church, someone took those linens off the line and left them in a pile on their back deck.”
People started squirming around and quietly whispering to one another.
“Then another day, they found a sign in their yard that said, “‘Rainbow is a nice place to live. Let’s keep it that way.’”
The buzz in the group got a little louder. About that time, Virgil and Flo walked into the room.
“I’ve checked our HOA rules and nowhere in there does it forbid a clothesline in Rainbow. I can understand that a clothesline might not be what some of us want to see in the front yards of our neighbors, but I want you to know it’s not against the rules.”
McGhee very slowly stood up and raised her hand to get Herb’s attention.
“Mr. Bennett, my sister and I appreciate the residents of Rainbow coming out tonight to talk about our clothesline. Never in a million years did we think putting up a simple clothesline would cause so much fuss. We have always hung our linens out to dry. Our mother instilled in us that the good Lord’s beautiful sunshine and warm breezes were the best way to finish up our laundry. We have never used a dryer except on rainy days. Another reason our mot
her liked to hang out her linens was to let her neighbors know she was doing just fine. Not only was she well enough to hang those sheets up, but she had sheets to hang up. I guess deep down, we’re just following in our mother’s footsteps.” McGhee quietly sat down.
Herb stood up. About that time, Burton walked into the room.
“McGhee, thank you for sharing that with us. I would like this group to vote on a compromise. Please raise your hand if you agree that umbrella clotheslines can be erected in front yards where no space is available behind the residence, and that the clothesline is to be folded down when not in use.”
A gentleman in the back stood up quickly and said, “Herb, before we vote could I add a sentence to that? Could we specify that Rainbow’s End wash days will be on Mondays and Wednesdays only? That might calm anyone who has been disturbed by seeing a clothesline in a front yard.”
“Great idea. Now let’s see a show of hands.”
Everyone in the room raised their hand. Crisis averted. Now we only had to hope the person who had started this whole ruckus was in the room, and one of those hands was theirs. I raised my hand and asked to make a short announcement.
“It has come to our attention that we have a very talented resident here in Rainbow’s End. Burton, please stand up.”
Burton stood up. He looked like he’d just run a marathon, but he waved and blew kisses to everyone. What took our breath away, however, was his white long tail tuxedo jacket complete with tuxedo shirt and bowtie accompanied by gold lame shorts. What set everything off were his black fishnet hose and patent leather knee-high stiletto boots.
“I don’t know how many of you are aware that Burton has performed on Broadway and has a wonderful voice, but I say why let that talent go to waste? Roz and I have spoken with Burton about putting on a talent show in May here in Rainbow, and he’s graciously agreed to pull the whole thing together. Burton, do you have any further information about the show?”
Burton jumped up and went to the front of the room.
