Green Fees--Tales of Barndem Country Club

by Brian Alford

  For the most part the English weather had even shown unusual cooperation offering clear skies and calm winds, but it was to have the last word. As the last match turned for home to play the last nine holes storm clouds had begun to gather. Slowly the clouds rolled in from the West and blackened until by the fifteenth hole rain had begun to fall, gently at first but gathering momentum as the match progressed along the fairway. In the distance a rumble was heard and the Barndem captain was becom­ing concerned. He would have suggested abandoning the match but the Americans were in front and it would therefore have been bad form.

  Golfers share a common fear of being struck by lightening; their metal clubs acting as conductors. With considerable trepidation the match proceeded to the sixteenth tee. At least, three of the players and all four caddies proceeded with trepidation, Dwight was in full flow. He could sense victory and was not going to let a little rain deprive him. Though his partner was not so sure, Dwight was his superior officer and the Major thought it would not be prudent to argue.

  Standing on the sixteenth tee Dwight was silhouetted against the dark background by a flash of lightning. The streak of lightening that blazed in the sky seemed to scorch the tops of the trees behind Dwight and come to earth a few yards away. A creaking groan could be heard as if one of the trees were moaning with the pain of the fiery strike and slowly a large oak began to fall. To the horror of the watching players and young caddies the tree fell onto the unsuspecting Dwight just as he was about to take strike.

  To this day no-one remembers the result of the contest, nor even who was winning before the tragedy of the last match. Not even the boys who caddied, now full grown members of Barndem, could remember. The only lingering memory in the young impressionable minds was the horrifying sight of Dwight being crushed by the oak tree.

  One or two of the older members were convinced that it was divine intervention and retribution for the sacrilege of celebrating the colonial uprising all those years ago. Henry too was convinced it was some form of punishment for in the tragedy of the situation the players forgot to pay the caddies; an omission for which Henry never forgave the Americans. In this tragic incident was born his unyielding hate of all things foreign.

  In memory of Dwight and his contribution towards the upkeep of Barndem during those difficult times the sixteenth tee was dedicated to his memory and named “Dwight’s End”. With this gesture a small part of Barndem became American soil.

  As a further legacy the local air base was allocated ten memberships to be taken up by active American servicemen. And so it was that every fourth of July a small group of American members, family and friends gathered round the sixteenth tee to celebrate and commemorate.

  American presence at the local air base was dwindling as the troops were returning home to be stationed elsewhere to cause their particular brand of chaos. How much longer Americans would therefore feature in the Barndem membership list was open to question.

  But one would always have a presence at the club, Dwight Ankermann. He died as he would have wanted, golf club in hand; thrashing the Brits. Even though history relates with beautiful irony that it was an English oak that had the last say.

  16

  And Under foot, something stirs

  It is conjectured that if the entire human race were to disappear overnight then within a couple of hundred years the planet would be covered with trees. After a couple of thousand years little trace of mans buildings would be found. After ten thousand years little trace of civilised man at all would be found, just a few buried artifacts. In the context of the history of the Earth this is a tiny period of time for evidence of man to be wiped out. What would cause this rapid destruction of everything man has struggled so hard to build? The answer is Gaea or mother nature.

  Mother nature is the best friend and worst enemy of the green-keeper. Maintenance of a golf course is a never ending, one sided battle against nature. Nature does not want the mono culture of grass necessary for the beloved game. Mono culture is not natural. It is not the balanced system nature uses to ensure the continuity of growth and development.

  In science the law of entropy holds that everything degenerates to its lowest level unless sustained by an input of energy. Such is true of the infrastructure of a golf course. Without considerable input of energy it would degenerate from its artificial state into a more natural and more sustainable state. Degeneration does not just happen it is driven by a number of sources. Mother Nature has many ways of destroying the false and artificial order of a golf course and she enlists the help not just of plants but of creatures as well.

  One of the few trials of George’s otherwise easy and enjoyable job was the numerous moles which invaded the course from time to time. Their little mounds of fine earth were tolerated so long as they did not appear in the middle of one of the greens. But of course no one told the moles that they were not to stray onto the greens and in any case how was a mole to distinguish a green from any other part of the course? Being virtually blind and having only a below ground perspective of the course there was no way the creatures could tell where they were coming up.

  On the quiet, George quite liked the little creatures especially when they caused outrage amongst the members. Anything which irritated the members was to be admired. Of course, this private view could never be aired in public and when the occasion demanded George was obliged to appear to show suitably enthusi­astic endeavour in ridding the course of the pest. Such appearance also had to be effective to some degree. There was never the question of George losing his job, it was just that if he proved ineffective he would have to face ordeal by committee. This entailed being quizzed by the green committee and asked to give a full report. To avoid this unpleasant encounter George had to produce results sufficient to avoid the attentions of the committee.

  Various methods were used to deal with the mole nuisance. George preferred traps which killed the moles quickly and painlessly but they were not particularly effective. To set a trap it was necessary to locate the underground mole run and insert the trap into it. This entailed careful study of the pattern of the earth mounds and much excavation. Mounds are simply the out-turn from the tunnels dug by the moles with their large front claws. It was in the tunnels that the moles captured the earthworms on which they fed and so the traps needed to be set so that the mole would stumble into it while feeding in a run.

  A more popular method of eliminating moles was Phosgene gas. Small white pellets were inserted into the mole holes which then emitted the deadly gas on contact with moisture. Phosgene was one of the nasty gases used during World War1 and subsequently outlawed by Geneva convention.

  George did not approve of this method as the death was painful and unpleasant. It also did not seem fair to use a method of killing harmless moles which was banned for killing less than harmless human beings. There was also another consideration. The gas was dangerous and used in quantity there was always a possibility of a build-up underground which could escape. Indeed there were stories of the odd accident in the past. Loss of the odd Barndem member would not have worried George, his concern was more for his own safety.

  Autumn was the worst time for moles because they were at their most active. As migratory creatures they would be on the move, especially the young ones who would be fleeing the territory of their parents. Living on a diet of earthworms which had to be methodically harvested each mole required a large area from which to glean its food. Competition therefore forced a migration and the results of the migration were clearly visible on the golf course. Parents of errant children may well envy the pluck of parent moles in driving away their offspring.

  One particular autumn for some reason the moles appeared to be especially active. To George the reason was clear. Against his better judgement George had been obliged by the despised green committee to apply a worm killing poison to some of the greens to reduce the number of worm casts. This dubious procedure coupled with the fact that it had been a very dry summer, meant tha
t the moles were probably struggling to locate sufficient earthworms to feed themselves. As a result the course had more of the characteristic mounds of earth than usual.

  Things came to a head one day when the lady captain Lucy was putting on the sixteenth green when a few feet away from her a small mound slowly appeared. Moles were supposed only to be active at night but obviously no one had told the mole responsible for this outrage. Horrified Lucy watched as the surface of the green broke and small particles of earth began to appear. Then with a final flourish a small pile was pushed out of the ground.

  Angrily Lucy banged the mound with her putter. It was both a futile attempt to flatten the offending heap and a visible airing of her considerable annoyance. As she pummelled away at the mound a second began to appear a few yards away. To the disbelief of her companions Lucy raced over to the new mound and began beating it with even more vigour than the first. The sight of a third mound appearing a little way off the green was the final straw and Lucy stormed off in pursuit of George.

  During a heated and less than friendly confrontation, Lucy demanded action and reluctantly George was obliged to acquiesce. George was instructed to take firm measures, none of his pussyfooting with useless traps. Lucy wanted blood and quickly. This posed a dilemma for George. Lucy had to be obeyed but he firmly rejected the use of the gassing method Lucy demanded. But he had to do something otherwise he would be called to account before the dreaded green committee and their doubtful parentage.

  His first attempt to persuade the mole near the sixteenth green to go away was to insert a hose into the mounds to flood the tunnels. This was a notable failure mainly because the dry ground absorbed the water too quickly. His next attempt was the liberal spraying of an extract of fox scent. Foxes are about the only predator of moles and the scent was supposed to be a deterrent. The only noticeable effect of the spray was to send any passing dog into a frenzy.

  Continued failure seemed to make the use of the despised gas inevitable. As George mused to himself about the dilemma he recalled having read an article in the GreenKeepers Journal about a device which was inserted in the ground and emitted a signal which drove the moles away. Reviewing the article again George considered it was worth a try and decided to approach Wingco on the subject.

  Wingco was someone George could do business with, in fact the only Barndem member he could do business with and remain passably civil. The idea met with approval from Wingco, so much so that he volunteered to approach Mister Soyoung to see if he knew where any of the electronic devices could be found. Though they had not had particularly good experiences with the Japanese electronics gadgets, what could possibly go wrong with a simple sound emitting device?

  In theory the principle of driving the moles away using high pitched sound made sense and addressed George’s objections to killing the creatures. Indeed in practice the device proved very successful in moving the moles. However, in moving, the moles had to go somewhere and Barndem was a large course. George spent a frustrating two weeks chasing the moles all over the course. If he planted the device in one part the moles would simply appear somewhere else. The net result was that the course had more mole hills that ever and the moles were still in residence.

  Sympathetic to George’s plight, Wingco gave the problem much thought and came up with a plan. They would organise a mole drive. Wingco would obtain several of the sound emitting devices from the ever willing Soyoung and they would be positioned at one end of the course. Gradually the devices would be moved across the course from one end to the other driving the moles in front of them.

  The exercise took several days since the moles were not exactly the fastest of movers. Each morning George, Wingco and several volunteers would make a co-ordinated move of the devices further along the course. Evidence of their success was clear from the mole hills which seemed to be moving across the course just in front of them.

  Finally the line of devices reached the far side of the course near the car park and site of George’s maintenance hut. Beyond this was farmland which once was part of Barndem but had moved into other hands. The moles were to become their problem not Barndem’s.

  With a large measure of satisfaction Wingco stood in the car park looking back over the now mole free course.

  “Well George, that’s a job well done. Time for a little celebration I think.”

  George did not hear the remark as his attention was focused elsewhere. He was frowning at his nearby hut which was swaying gently. Wingco was puzzled. “Are you alright George? What’s the matter?”

  “Be moy eyes deceiving me or is that ‘ut swayin’?”

  Wingco looked in the direction of the hut and started in disbelief. As the two men watched the hut slowly began to descend into the ground until finally only the roof was visible. Staring in disbelief it slowly dawned on Wingco what had happened. They had succeeded in driving the moles as far as the car park where the foundations had proved to be a barrier to the burrowing creatures. In their frenzy to escape the moles had completely undermined the foundation of the hut.

  So the devices were abandoned and the moles allowed to return. Fortunately by this time winter had begun to set in, the moles had gone into hibernation and no more mounds appeared. This, coupled with the fact that there were fewer members around to complain meant that George was off the hook, at least until next autumn.

  But George was confident he would be allowed to play the mole game his own way. He knew better than most that interfering with nature was a hopeless activity. Eliminating moles from an area simply left the ground open for an invasion from elsewhere. Throughout the long winter months George gave long and considered thought to the mole problem. What was needed was some form of equitable sharing. If they could learn to co-exist with the moles then life would be much simpler. He finally devised a scheme whereby an underground barrier would be placed around the greens to keep moles from the putting surface. Moles generally burrowed close to the surface where the earthworms were most likely to be found. George surmised therefore that a two foot barrier buried just beneath the surface should be enough to stop the moles burrowing under the greens.

  It was a good plan but the usual objection was raised: cost. Cost was prohibitive especially when set against the comparatively trivial cost of annually gassing the crea­tures. As with most business enterprises Barndem found it easier to outlay a small annual cost than fund a one-off large investment. Though the members complained about most things including mole hills, the loudest complaints could be guaranteed where money was concerned.

  Despite his demeanour and often positive hostility to the members George was very popular and many held great affection for him. Offensive as his behaviour often was it was difficult to take personal offence at someone who was equally rude to everyone. His insolence and gruff nature had a sort of appealing charm. Non-discriminating offence somehow loses its offensiveness and George certainly showed no favours in disseminating his short favours. When George expressed his distress at having to cull the moles and suggested the buried barrier alternative it was received with much sympathy with a few notable exceptions including the formidable Lucy.

  It was decided that an appeal fund would be launched to collect money for George’s project. As with most appeals initial reaction was enthusiastic and the money forthcoming. Even Henry, amused by the discomfort of his old adversary the lady captain contributed.

  Within a few weeks of the start of the appeal, sufficient funds had been raised to contemplate a trial of George’s idea. It was decided that an experimental barrier would be placed around the sixteenth green, the site of the unfortunate mishap with Lucy. Some objection was raised by the American contingent at Barndem to the selection of the sixteenth hole, affectionately called Dwights End in memory of Colonel Dwight. However Lucy was adamant in the selection of this hole as the source of her discomfort and the half baked memory of some deceased foreign intruder was not a consideration in her resolute mind.

  To save costs George agr
eed to carry out the work himself. As autumn was approaching his grass cutting duties were diminishing and he would therefore be able to afford the time. In any event he enjoyed having something positive to do beyond the tedious monotony that constituted course maintenance.

  George enjoyed his own company, or to be more accurate he disliked the company of others and tolerated his own. If it had been possible he would have preferred to avoid even his own company but he was nothing if not practical and had learnt to come to terms with himself. Whenever he was working on the course and players came near he would stand back and let them pass. He detested being watched and abhorred the strange obsession most people had with watching others work. It was also true that some small pleasure could be derived from sneering at the futile attempts of passing members to play golf.

  Over the years George had developed a kind of sixth sense which warned him that he was being observed; a sixth sense which was infallible. It was therefore disconcerting that during his excavation of the trench to contain the mole barrier George continually sensed he was being watched. Whenever the sense reached a nagging high point he stopped and looked around but there was never anything to be seen. These constant interruptions severely hampered his progress and pushed the uncomfortable George close to nervous breakdown.

  Finally after three days the channel around the green was complete and ready for the barrier. With a mixture of satisfaction and considerable relief George surveyed his handiwork and went home to enjoy a well deserved night’s sleep.

  Arriving early the following day to install the barrier in the newly dug trench George was shocked to find that the trench had been filled in over night. The large neat circle around the green was no more. Suspicion fell naturally on the Americans who were upset about what they saw as the insult to the memory of Colonel Dwight. This suspicion was heightened when one of their numbers, Hal Carter was seen to be nursing a bad back and his drawn eyes and face bore distinct signs of lack of sleep. George knew different. He had seen the tell-tale paths in the grass surrounding the channel. Paths worn by the trample of numerous tiny feet.