Finding Willow (Hers)

by Dawn Robertson

  I open my eyes and realize the monster headache I was nursing a while ago is better. Not completely gone, but I’m well on my way to feeling halfway human again. It’s going to be a while before I get back to normal. But that’s okay, because this time I am not falling back into my old habits.

  Buzzzzz, Buzzzzz.

  I find my cell phone vibrating across the hardwood floor. I miss the call before I can grab it. I try my best not to fall off the bed as I reach for it, but my efforts are completely in vain. My body falls onto the floor with a thump, and I lie there, phone clutched in my hand, laughing at the simple misfortune my life is always full of. I often wonder if it is payback for the bad choices I’ve made.

  I scroll through the call log; there’s a missed call from an unknown number. I continue to scroll through my call log and text messages, realizing I harassed Seven for most of the night. I don't remember a single second of it, but I can't help but wince at the words, the pleas, and the lack of answers on her part. I really fucked up this time.

  For a few moments, I continue to lie on the floor and stare at the perfectly painted white ceiling. I wonder if Katy heard me fall to my doom. The brownstone duplex isn't large, and noise travels through these old buildings like the wind whips through them on a cold New England winter day.

  “Katy?” I yell, as I start to stand. My legs don't give out on me. That is a fucking plus. Walking to the mirror, which stands atop the white dresser at the end of the sleigh bed, I stop and look at my refection.

  I still have on the same red halter dress. The matching heels lay next to the bed where my purse is spilled out. Surely Katy went to town looking for the source of this week's epic meltdown.

  My eyeliner has run down my pale cheeks, and the red lipstick is rubbed off, leaving only the slightest tint of color surrounding my mouth. My hair is a rat's nest. My body looks exactly like I feel. Like a whole lotta hot fucking mess.

  That’s when I notice them. The bruises. I can see the subtle hint of purple around my neck, but there are more, so many more. One takes up almost my entire upper thigh. I wear a handprint across my right cheek. The bruises around my neck are clearly handprints as well. A small black and blue mark is clear at the corner of my eye. Someone tried to do some damage, and I don't remember any of it.

  Only one person has ever hurt me like this. Him.

  The bathroom is mere feet away, and I make quick work of washing the leftover makeup off my face before heading back to the bedroom for my purse and shoes. Katy clearly isn't here, and I don't have time to wait. I need to make it to Seven. I need to explain everything to her. I’m sick of running from the past, and if I am truly going to become free, there is something monumental I need to get off my chest.

  Today, I finally reclaim my life.

  It’s lunchtime. Seven is probably off on some fancy business lunch, while I sit here in the waiting room of her office. It’s cold and distant, your typical office space: fluorescent lighting, cubical galore, and a number of bad fucking pant suits. There is not one personal touch.

  “Is Miss James expecting you?”

  Her receptionist looks at me with disgust. I nod, answering her question. Seven may not really be expecting me, but whatever. She’s judging me. Hell, I would be judging myself, too. After washing my face, I hailed a cab and headed straight for her office. Traffic was unusually busy. I should have stopped at my apartment for a change of clothes. I should do a lot of things, but my impulses control my rational thinking most of the time. Bad judgment won out, and I sit in her multi-billion dollar corporate office looking like last night’s hooker. Story of my life.

  “Miss James will see you, Miss Bloom.”

  “Thank you” is all I can mutter while I work to choke back the Hollywood tears hiding behind the remnants of makeup.

  I stand on shaky legs, and walk through her office door. I’ve never come to her work; I never had a reason to. The office is incredibly spacious for Manhattan. The far wall is made of solid glass, looking over the river from the ninety-fifth floor. The furniture is mostly white, although several girly colors accent the clean design. Pinks and a bit of blues. All professionally done with the utmost elegance. If anyone could get away with making hot pink look like it belongs in an executive suite, it’s fucking Seven James.

  She sits behind the desk, her long brown hair flowing down around her shoulders. There are dark circles under her eyes. Seven clearly slept as little as I did. I expect her to be pissed, to yell and shout like she normally would. She doesn't take shit from anyone, especially me.

  Her eyes soften, though, as they pass over my body. I shrug my coat off and place it on the chair next to me, as I take a seat in the other plush office chair.

  “Who did this to you, Star?” She’s upset. With me?

  The tears slowly start to flow, and eventually turn into full blown sobbing hysterics. I choke out her brother's name in between gasps for air. I try and control myself, but it’s too late. The flood gates are open, and I must tell her before I chicken out again.

  “Seven, I didn't want to. I never wanted to. But he threatened to tell everyone what I did. He has held it over my head for years.”

  I start to tell her. This is my first step to being free of Blue. All the threats of telling Seven our secret are gone. I will not allow him to have the upper hand anymore.

  Confusion is written all over her face, but she sits quietly and listens to every word I purge from my soul.

  My entire body heaves as I still struggle to catch my breath.

  “Seven, I had a baby. Blue's baby. The year you left for college.” She’d left me behind with Blue, my sisters, and our parents. I wanted to leave with her, but she would have never had a fair shot at a real education if her wayward twin tagged along. I needed to let her go so she could become who she needed to be. And by God, if she fucking did.

  I was pregnant when she left, and I sobbed like a baby as her little Honda Civic pulled out of the campground we were living in at the time. I will never forget the colder than usual spring day as she drove away, or the way I felt that night when I told my mother in confidence. I naively believed she would stand by my side. However, you would have thought I was a criminal the way she turned on me.

  Seven rounds her desk and sits down in the chair next to me, spinning the chair until she faces me. Tears slowly pool at the edge of her eyes, encouraging my own hysterics. This woman never cries. Everything about her is the fucking epitome of tough as nails, and here she is, crumbling right alongside me.

  But I can feel it. A weight has been lifted. The burden of this secret has weighed me down for far too long. The only person I continued to hide it from knows. She takes my hands and comforts me.

  “I'm so sorry, Seven. I never meant to hurt you.” I take a deep breath. “I wish things were different. I just can't lie about it any longer. You deserve to know, and I shouldn't have kept this hidden this long.”

  I want to drop to my knees and beg for her forgiveness. But she doesn't let me. Instead she comforts me. This is how our relationship has always been, and will always be. She is the protector. I am the victim. She is strong. I am weak. She is fucking bad ass. I am an epic coward.

  “It's okay, Star. He won't hurt you again. I will make sure of that. I’m going to have Clyde take you to my penthouse until I get home. You are also going to fill out a police report detailing exactly what he did to you.”

  I don't want to. I don't want the police involved, mostly because I don't remember large chunks of the previous night. I don't want to remember, either. But I listen, and I do everything Seven tells me to. I would walk right off a fucking bridge if she told me to, because I know deep in my heart, she would never steer me in the wrong direction. No matter how badly I fuck up. No matter how much I fuck her over. No matter what way I wrong her. She always forgives me.

  I just nod and gather my things, then turn for the door. Her voice stops me once more.

  “And Star?”

  I turn b
ack, and a small smile starts to pull at the corner of my mouth. I want to be happy, and this was my first step.

  “Where’s the baby?”

  The smile instantly fades. I wish I knew where she was. I wish I could answer her question. I wish I never gave up my Willow. I wipe a tear from the corner of my eye, before it spills down my cheek.

  “I don't know, Seven. After she was born, my parents took her to a commune upstate, and I never saw her again. Christmas Day, she’ll be eleven.”

  I turn and walk out the door before I start crying again. It hurts to think about Willow. It hurts to believe I was one of those women who just gave away her baby. I've kicked myself in the ass enough over the years.

  When my parents took her from me, I wasn't ready to let her go. I didn't have a choice, though. Years have passed, but not a day has gone by that I don't want for her. If I am going to finally get my life right, I need to know she is happy, safe. Everything I never was when I was a little girl. I need to know she can have a good life. That the choice my parents made for me was truly the right one.

  My journey to freedom will bring me right back to my little girl. Come hell or high water, I will find Willow. Or I will die trying.

  Some Things... You Can't Share

  Clyde, Seven's driver, lets me stop at my place for my overnight bag. I pack as much as I can into the black Playboy duffle bag. I don’t expect to be back at my apartment anytime soon.

  I grab a couple pairs of jeans, some t-shirts, all appropriate clothing normal people would wear. Nothing sparkly or fancy, nothing that screams porn star. Okay, maybe I put a couple pieces of glittery clothes in my bag, only because I can’t bear to part with them. If glitter was a fucking blood type, it would be mine.

  Once we arrive at Seven's penthouse, there is only one thing I want. A fucking shower. I toss my bag on the leather couch and pull out my long white robe, leaving the bag open. Seven will probably bug out over the mess, but I plan on heading out in the morning anyway.

  I enter her bedroom and open the door to her gorgeous en-suite. I have always loved this bathroom. Despite her repeatedly yelling at me to use the guest bathroom, I just crave the huge shower.

  The large glass door is cracked open, and I turn the shower on. Moments later, steam starts pouring from behind the doors, as the glass begins to fog slowly. I pull at my clothes, stripping before I step inside and let the hot water run along my body. It feels so good.

  I take my time and wash off the past forty-eight hours. I curb my repeated craving for some kind of drug or alcohol. It sucks trying to push the desire out of my mind. I take a deep breath and try to refocus my thoughts on something else.

  I scrub off Blue's touch. The lies. The betrayal. If I could scrub years of my life off, I would. I want a fresh start. A new start. I want to get on with my life.

  “Star?” Seven's voice startles me. I didn't expect her home this early.

  “Seven? You're home,” I say from behind the glass. I want to apologize for using her shower, but I can't bring myself to do it. I love this shower too fucking much.

  “Yeah, I need to get in there. It has been quite the day.”

  I can hear her undressing on the other side of the glass. I shouldn't be excited by this, but I am. We fought. I’m trying to move on. I’m trying to put the life I have been living behind me, but the only thing I want to do right now is lose myself inside her delicious cunt. It is like heaven on fucking earth.

  “Are you okay in there, Star?”

  I’m more than fine, but I am nowhere near ready to get out of the shower. Company or not, the water feels way too fucking good. And I silently hope she joins me. In a bold move, I decide to bait her. It’s now or never, because tomorrow, I hit the road, not knowing if or when I will be coming back.

  “I'm fine, Seven. Are you coming in or not?”

  A minute or two passes; it seems like a fucking eternity, but finally, the door opens, and a naked Seven steps in. She’s breathtaking as always. I can't help myself. As I lather the soap all over my body for the third time since I entered the sprawling shower, my hands have a mind of their own. One lands on my luscious breast, and the other slowly snakes down my body, falling between my legs.

  I lazily spread my pussy lips apart, and circle my fingertip along my swollen bud. It feels divine, and I can't remember the last time I actually touched myself without a camera rolling. I drag my gaze up to meet Seven's emerald eyes, and she continues to focus on my wandering hands.

  “Like what you see, Seven?”

  I’m bold. I want her. No, not want, need. I need her. I need this final piece of acceptance before I move on.

  “It has been so long, Seven.”

  I step toward her, running my hands over my breasts, never breaking eye contact. It has been so long, and my body aches for her. Evan would never fucking share me with Seven. All those years Seven and I spent sharing each other with whatever partners walked into our lives, or through the doors of Sinners and Swingers.

  My body aches for her touch.

  “It has,” she finally replies, moving a stray piece of hair away from my face, before caressing my cheek.

  I take another step in her direction, taking in her body. Her pierced nipples stand at attention for me. I’m dying to take them in my mouth and suck on them until she screams my name.

  Goosebumps slowly start to spread across her skin, and I know she wants this as much as I do. Her breathing becomes more and more shallow the closer I get to her.

  “I've missed you, Seven.”

  I take one last step, and our bodies press together. Her breasts press against mine, and I can feel the metal of her piercings graze my own nipples, bringing them to life. I lick up her neck, and stop to whisper in her ear. I want you.” It is the God's honest truth. I want her more than I have ever desired her before. In the twelve years we’ve hooked up, nothing rivals this moment.

  “Star,” she tries to protest. I can see an internal battle of sorts waging. Her eyes are dark, clouded with emotion as she pauses to form her words. I don't want her to push me away, but I don't want her to regret this, either.

  I don't want to leave her to her thoughts any longer. I move in and kiss her. I lick and suck her mouth, all while pressing my slick, soapy body against hers. Our nipples graze each other’s and I feel my clit throbbing with need. I want nothing more than to have her mouth lapping up my dripping pussy juices.

  Seven pulls away, her chest heaving as she tries to catch her breath.

  “Star, share. You have to share. I can't be just yours anymore.”

  That doesn't stop me. It isn't anything we haven't done before, and if sharing Seven with her new boyfriend, Levi, is what I have to do to have her before I leave, it is exactly what I will do. I don't stop.

  I continue running my lips down Seven's collarbone, heading right for her gorgeous breasts. Her hands run through my wet, silky hair as I take one of her pierced nipples in my mouth. A moan slips past her lips, and I tug on her barbells with my teeth while my free hand snakes between her legs. I insert one finger at a time into Seven's bare and completely soaked cunt. Everything about her pussy is downright fucking heavenly.

  My lips continue down her body, cherishing every inch with divine licks and kisses, only stopping when I make my way to her glistening pussy. Wet and ready. All for me. Her back is firmly pressed against the wall as the warm water continues cascading around us. My fingers part the lips, and my tongue goes to work, licking and teasing her beautifully swollen clit. With the first swipe of my tongue, her moans echo through the bathroom. My mouth continues to tease and nibble on her nub, before I slide my tongue slowly into her wet cunt.

  “Oh God! That feels so fucking good.” Her words cheer me on, as I continue licking her pussy. I love it when she talks dirty to me.

  “What the fuck?” I hear a deep voice bellow from outside the glass doors, just as the door swings open. Levi stands there, clearly seeing red. Until his eyes land on me. Was he expecting s
omeone else? Another guy?

  Seven jumps ten feet in the fucking air and I pull away, pussy juices dripping down my face. We both stand there, looking at Levi, waiting to see what’s going to happen next.

  “I told you, Star. You have to share.”

  Seven nods at Levi, who is standing there with his mouth hanging open. I’m sure he didn’t expect to come home and find his girlfriend with her best friend between her legs.

  “I'm sorry, Levi. But if you want to join us, you’re welcome. We were kind of...” Seven pauses for a moment before she continues to speak.

  “Making up.”

  I guess making up really is an accurate way to describe whatever this is. In the back of my mind, though, this is a goodbye. I just don't want to tell Seven yet.

  Levi starts pulling at his clothes, like he can’t get them off fast enough. I want to laugh at how anxious he is to join us. But Seven stops him once again.

  “One rule.” She pauses for a long minute, and I can tell she’s nervous. I haven't seen that look on her face since the first time we fucked.

  “You must wear a condom if you fuck her. You can bareback me all you want. Her, no dice.”

  She takes charge, just like she always does. To be honest, I don't want to fuck Levi at all. Whatever it is that they have going on is far more than one of Seven's one night stands. That’s obvious by her choice not to use condoms with him. Certainly a first for her. I don't want to get in the middle of what they have; it’s not my place. I just want her.

  He nods and continues to strip. As his boxer-briefs fall to the floor, I can’t help but let out a gasp. His fucking dick is huge. I mean, I have seen some big dicks in my time, but this boy would be porno gold.

  “I guess that’s why you keep this one around.” I continue to stare at Levi's gorgeous cock.

  “Come here, Levi,” Seven says, and he takes his position between the two of us. I watch him like a fresh piece of meat, but I’m almost pissed that he’s coming between Seven and me before I’ve had time to get off. The fun was just beginning when he decided to walk in and join our party.