Finding Willow (Hers)

by Dawn Robertson

  “Isn't that Blue?” Journey asks, as the man turns to the side, looking around. I can tell from his profile it is him, clearly looking for me. I haven't seen him since the night he beat the shit out of me. My body starts to break out into a cold sweat, and I know there is no fucking way I can go back to the tiny room I have been living in for the past week. He knows where to find me now, and I have to go back into hiding.

  Will I ever fucking be able to feel safe again with him around? Maybe coming back to Woodstock wasn't the best idea. Or maybe he is just here because of this godforsaken family meeting. I will avoid him like the fucking plague until all is clear Friday, and just pray he leaves town.

  “What happened with the two of you?”

  I know she’s young, and she wants to know how shit really played out. She was maybe eight when I got pregnant and the drama erupted inside my family, but I don't want to expose her to the nastiness. I shrug my shoulders and try to ignore her. She keeps staring at me, waiting for some kind of reply.

  “I was young and stupid. That is what happened.” Young, stupid, hurt, neglected, abandoned, and looking for love in all the wrong places. I often wonder if he would have just let me be as a teenager if I never willingly hooked up with him those couple times. Yeah, he violated me as a child, but it stopped for ages. Maybe I just fell off his radar until I had actual tits. I try not to put very much thought into it.

  “Do you ever think about her?” I’m caught off guard again. Maybe hanging out with Journey today wasn't the best idea.

  “All the time. I want to find her,” I admit it without realizing the kind of repercussions this could cause if she tells my parents. I pray she doesn't, but I know it is a very real possibility.

  We pull into the parking lot of the small vegan luncheonette, and when I turn to face her, she is as pale as a ghost.

  “I don't feel so hot. Do you think you could bring me back to my car? I don't wanna eat lunch now.” This chick better not chuck in my new damn car, that’s all I know. I head for the motel parking lot. I pray Blue is gone once I get back to drop her off. I’m sure he isn't just going to hang out there all day, as much as he wants to get to me.

  Thankfully, when we pull in, he’s nowhere in sight. I park the car and wish my baby sister well. I’d like to know what sparked her sudden ailment; I feel bad that we couldn't spend more quality time together. I had really looked forward to catching up over lunch.

  “I will see you on Friday, Star.”

  I have to give her space, because I know she is very much like me. She’ll bolt and no one will see her for days. I don't want to be the cause of that, even though I apparently am somehow. I just don't understand how talking about Willow could bring this all to the surface. Maybe I’m just overthinking it.

  I push open the office door, where River is standing behind the counter looking bored as hell. Nothing new. When he notices me, he puffs his chest up trying to look like his bad ass brother, but failing pretty miserably. Clearly he got the sensitive genes in the family.

  “Some guy was here looking for you.”

  “I need your help. I can't stay here tonight. Not until your brother is back in town.”

  I go through the motions and fill him in on bits and pieces of my history with Blue. Nothing over the top, besides the beating he gave me not too long ago. I knew it was only a matter of time before he came looking for me again. This time I won't let him have what he wants. No means no this time; I don't care who he is. Or how bad of a fucking beating I will end up with.

  “Stay at Chrome’s until he comes back. There is more than enough room. Leave whatever you don't need behind in the room, or check out. It’s up to you, but if he comes sniffing back around here, I’ll tell him you checked out and left town.”

  River has my back, and I can't thank my lucky stars enough. He is offering his brother’s house to me, and I almost feel bad taking him up on the offer. That is before I think about what Chrome would do if he wasn't a state away.

  My House

  Tuesday morning, I wake to my phone ringing in a strange place. I look around the room, taking in the light blue walls, and the comfort of the king size bed. I remember where I am. Chrome's bed. Apparently the guest room wasn't good enough to sleep in for two nights before his highness got back from whatever top secret operation he was running. River argued on the phone with him about it, but in the end Chrome won out. It’s beginning to seem like a pattern. I want to laugh, but I know there is nothing fucking funny about what he is doing.

  Looking at the caller ID on my phone, I see Katy’s name pop up. We emailed a couple times yesterday about the house. She tried to talk me out of it, but she soon realized I’m set on buying the house. After contacting the small real estate agent located a couple towns away with a cash offer, she told me they immediately accepted. I never thought buying a house could be so easy, but apparently when you don't have to deal with mortgage companies, it is a walk in the park.

  “What's up, Katy?”

  She gives me all the details about the last bit of paperwork needed to complete the purchase. Once the details are all set, the dreaded conversation of my career rears its ugly head. I knew I would have to face it at some point in time. I just didn't think it would be this soon. I’d hoped for a good month of peace from porn.

  “So, you’re done?” she asks, her mood sour. I can tell without even seeing her face. She probably has her glasses off, massaging her temples, trying her best not to lunge through the phone and rip my head off. She’s a friend, but she is a business woman. I make her a lot of money.

  “I am done, really done this time. I just can't go back to that life, Katy. It’s toxic for me.”

  She knows better than I do. All the times I tried rehab and walked away thinking I was magically cured of my addiction, like that was possible. Only to end up on set of a flick called Long Dong Silver snorting lines of blow off an extra's tits. It just wasn't an environment I could control myself in.

  “I understand, Star. I really do, and I wish you the best of luck in whatever you take on. But you know I can't work with you anymore if this is the case, right?” I knew, but I was hoping she would stay with me and manage all my shit. It was a nice idea, just not a very business savvy one.

  “Yeah, I knew it would come to that. I don't want to lose you, but I know you are a professional, Katy.” I hate goodbyes. I really do. I would never ask her to take such a pay cut to stay with me as nothing more than a personal assistant.

  “You have me ‘til the first of the year.”

  I’m thankful for the next few months, so I can get my own shit together and start handling my own affairs. Maybe I can hire Journey or Paisley to be my personal assistant. I am sure Paisley would love it. If I could ever coax her back from her newest love nest in Florida. I will work on her come Friday, after I see whatever bomb my parents drop on us.

  A soft knock sounds on the door, and River peeks into the room.

  “Got a minute?” I nod in his direction while I finish up my call with Katy. She mentions overnighting a couple documents, and then we should be all set with the house by Monday at the latest. A lot quicker than I anticipated, but I know it needs so much work that it will be longer before it’s actually safe to live in.

  “What’s up, River?”

  He looks tired, and I am pretty sure he should be at work already.

  “I'm late to take over my shift at the motel, and Scarlett is sick at school. The school nurse just called, and I have no one else to go pick her up. Can you grab her for me, and just bring her back here?”

  Me? Handle a sick kid? My mind spins in a million different directions. I’m nervous, but I am not going to leave them all high and dry when they have gone above and beyond for me.

  This is what family does for each other, right? We may not be blood, or marriage, but they are slowly becoming the only family I have besides my distant sisters. If they will accept me, I will do my best to accept them.

  “Yeah, just t
ell me where to go and what I have to do.”

  He passes me a note with directions scribbled on the paper. Her school isn't far from the house, easy to find. I should know where schools are in this little podunk town, but my shit-tastic parents thought homeschooling was a fantastic idea. They taught us all a bunch of nothing.

  “I’ll call the school ahead of time and let them know you’re picking her up. You will have to show them your ID in the office.” Jesus, do they want a fucking DNA sample, too? I guess you can never be too careful these days, but seriously? It seems like overkill.

  “You’re a lifesaver, Star!” He wraps his arms around me, plants a kiss on my cheek, and runs out of the house. The moderately sized house they all share. It is four bedrooms, but they are all pretty small. River has the smallest, then Scarlett. Of course the man of the house needs the giant master bedroom. It fits their little family perfectly.

  When I walk into the office at the school, poor Scarlett is sitting in a chair with her knees pulled up to her chest. Her face looks almost white. Aren't kids supposed to look green when they’re sick? Her eyes are soft as they meet mine, and she manages a pathetic smile.

  “I’m here for Scarlett Grant. Star Bloom.” I hand my license to the woman behind the desk and sign some early dismissal form. I carry Scarlett’s backpack to the car once we’re free to go; I would carry her if I thought I was strong enough.

  “Want me to stop at Maggie's and get you some soup?” Soup makes everything better, right?

  “Yes, please.” She’s quiet. Not her normally talkative self. I feel bad, but if I was in her position, I probably wouldn't want to be chatting it up, either.

  “What's wrong, Scarlett?”

  “I barfed all over my teacher. Must be a stomach thing.”

  I slowly lean toward the driver's side window, trying to get as far away from her vomit germs as I can get. I can almost feel them hopping across the car and resting all over my body. It is probably hysterical to watch from the outside, though. I know way too many people who would be taking pleasure in this scene right now.

  The phone rings and rings. I don't answer it, because this isn't my fucking house. I don't live here, and it isn't my business. I don't want it to wake up Scarlett, though, since she is finally fast asleep, so I take it off the hook. Before I know it, my cell phone rings.

  I pick it up on the second ring, cautious that it may be someone I really don't want to talk to. I always assume unknown numbers are going to be reporters, or Blue. He’s always pretty good at finding out where I was; phone calls just tip me off that he’s on my trail. This time around, I already know he’s on the prowl.

  “Hello?” I almost whisper. My tone is no match for the pissed off voice on the other end of the line.

  “You could have answered the damn phone. I've been fucking worried sick.” Chrome isn't yelling, but he certainly isn't happy, either. I feel bad. I should have called him, but the simple realization that I don't know his damn phone number stopped me. Something so simple we forgot in our short time together.

  “Calm down. She’s okay. I got her some soup, and she seems to be sleeping it off. I've checked on her a couple times. She just wants to lie on the couch and watch Good Luck Charlie.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Nothing to thank me for.”

  He growls at me through the phone line. I want to laugh at his frustration, but I don't. He would only take it out on me. I can tell that already. The sound of him does something else to me, though. The deep rumble. The sexy suave melody has me wanting him between my legs. I don't want to act like a lovesick girlfriend, but I can't help it.

  “I miss you,” I admit to him in a sultry voice. Sex oozes off my words, and I pray I make his nether-regions feel the same way mine do. Desperate for relief.

  “You don't even know, baby girl.”

  A chill runs through my body and lands square in my stomach. His words spark things inside me I have never felt. If I don't hang up now, shit is going to get out of hand. I will probably say something I’ll regret.

  “I'll see you tomorrow, Chrome.”

  I see Scarlett moving. She smiles.

  “He likes you.”

  I collapse against the black leather recliner and kick my feet up. I don't want to acknowledge her words, but it would be rude if I didn't.

  “I like him, too.” I don't want to have this heart-to-heart with a ten-year-old, but I don't think there’s any avoiding it. She climbs back under the giant motorcycle blanket on the couch and pulls it up to her chin.

  “Are you still going to leave when you’re done here?” I don't know how to answer her question. Because I don't know what I’m going to do tomorrow, let alone months from now. I can't make promises and I won't lead her on.

  “I don't know, Scarlett. What I can tell you, that no one else knows, is I bought a house here. I don't want to leave. I don't want to lie to you, either, or break promises.” She nods, and tries to hide the hint of a smile pulling at her lips.

  “Get some rest.” I stand up and venture to Chrome's bedroom with my laptop to try and find a contractor to fix up my house.

  River sits across the table from me in Maggie's. Scarlett is still dead to the world on the living room couch back at Chrome's house. The little old lady who lives next door was kind enough to hobble over and sit with her so we could both grab something to eat.

  The sun’s gone down and the tiny town of Woodstock is coming to a halt for the night. As soon as the street lights come on, most places close.

  I pick at the cheeseburger and fries, and he downs the spaghetti and meatballs like he hasn't eaten a damn thing all day. Boys his age have never ending hunger; it never ceases to amaze me.

  The bell on the front door alerts the staff to a newcomer. Nobody bothers to look but me. I am instantly fucking glad I did, because there’s Blue, twenty feet away from me, walking toward the counter. He hasn't noticed me yet. But there is no way I am making it out of here without him seeing me.

  “You okay?” River asks. I’m sure I look scared shitless. I am not okay but I try to lie about it. I don't want to clue him in on everything, even though Blue is already on his radar from the motel.

  “Someone I don't care to see walked in. That's all.”

  River turns to look and he recognizes him.

  “That is the dick-face from the motel.” I just nod and finish up whatever I’m going to actually eat so we can get out of here. I look up and notice Blue is gone from the counter. While River and I were discussing him, he started making his way to our table. Soon, he is standing right next to me.

  “Star, I've been trying to get in touch with you.” If my eyes could shoot actual daggers, he would be dead in a bloody mess on the floor of Maggie's. I start thinking about ways to kill him. Running him over with my car, stabbing him in the eye with a fork, the list goes on and on.

  “That's nice. I don't have anything to say to you, though, so you can be on your way.” I wave my hand in the opposite direction, shooing him off, and his face starts to turn red. He’s pissed. For the first time in my life, I am not scared. I am not intimidated. I couldn't give two shits if he is mad.

  “We have things to discuss.” He grits his dirty teeth together and starts to eye River.

  “We have nothing to discuss, Blue. In fact, I was just on my way out.”

  I stand from the table and shoot my gaze to River, who immediately joins me. Normally by now, my body would be freaking out, my heart beating far too rapidly, and craving something, anything to numb the feeling. But he has no impact on me.

  “Don't you dare fucking walk away from me, Princess.”

  I want to stop, to turn around and tell him off. More than anything. But he wants my attention. He wants me to turn around and acknowledge that he has some kind of power over me.

  I walk out of the diner with River by my side, and we drive back to Chrome's house in silence. I try to sort through all my fucked up thoughts, but I don't know what to make of the
m. No matter what I do, or say, I am never going to be rid of Blue unless I finally go to the police about what he has done. I should have listened to Seven and immediately filed charges against him. I was stupid, yet again. Could've, should've, would've. It is too late now.

  Light spills through the curtains of Chrome's bedroom window. I slowly blink my eyes open to examine the clock. It is just before eight in the morning, on Wednesday. Chrome will be back today. I don't know what time he will be rolling into town, but I can tell you I feel much safer with him in Woodstock now that Blue is lurking around.

  I let out a yawn and start to stretch when I notice something move in the corner of the bedroom. The old wooden rocking chair in the corner moves; someone is sitting in it. My eyes can't focus and I scream bloody murder. I probably could have woken the dead with my shriek. It isn't until the person moves that I realize it isn't an intruder. It’s Chrome.

  “Jesus, fuck, woman!”

  His chest heaves, and I know I scared him just as much as he just scared the piss out of me. I throw a pillow across the room, beaning him upside the head with it.

  “What the fuck, Chrome? Seriously, you scared the shit out of me!” My heart is still racing, and my hands are shaking from the sheer amount of adrenaline running through my body.

  “I got back real early this morning. Since Scarlett is still out on the couch, I snuck in here. You looked too peaceful to wake, so I just sat down here. Didn't think I would fall asleep.” He rubs his eyes with the heel of his hands. He is exhausted; I can see the circles around his eyes. It looks like he hasn't slept in days.

  “Come climb into bed. You clearly need some rest.” I pat the bed next to me, and he stands and stretches. I gawk at him as he stretches. His tight, white undershirt rises up, exposing his unbuttoned jeans laying low on his hips. His lightly tanned v cut makes me drool. I realize I am virtually fucking him with my eyes, so I lie back down, pulling the covers up and snuggling into the comfort of the bed.