Once, Skye looked KC Kok in the eyes and asked point blank if he was gay. KC Kok fidgeted and hurled the question back at Skye. When Skye nodded firmly, KC Kok looked relieved and nodded too. That was how the two came out to one another.
KC Kok admitted that he had never kissed or touched a man before. When he learnt that Skye had recently ended a relationship, he became inexorably inquisitive. Was it anybody in college? How did it start? How did the two connect? How far did Skye go? Was it painful? Why did it end? He was awfully disappointed when Skye kept a tight lip over the identity of his mysterious ex-lover. But Skye felt he owed it to Jason to keep him safely in the closet.
When the time came for enlistment, Skye and KC Kok were excited to find themselves posted to the same infantry unit. They held the title of specialists in the same platoon and commanded a section of six riflemen each. Skye slipped into his role easily. He managed his section with a firm hand and made it clear right from the start that he would not tolerate any disobedience. KC Kok on the other hand was unable to control his riflemen. They blatantly disobeyed his orders and scoffed at him when he could not keep up with them on road marches and fitness runs. Skye often had to cross over and help KC Kok discipline his unruly bunch.
After training ended for the day, most of the specialists liked to hang out at the clubhouse to play cards or carom or shoot some pool. Skye and KC Kok however preferred to hole up in their bunk and surf the Internet. The two conjoined their beds so that they could browse on their phones side by side. It did not take them long to discover chat rooms and discussion boards for the local gay community. They gasped at the brazen displays of lust and lechery in the personals and leered at the spread of muscles and pulchritude. KC Kok was especially mesmerised. It seemed he had found a safe space where he could explore the depths of his sexuality and end his inexperience with just a tap of his finger.
By the end of the first year, Skye was itching for more than just a screen connection. He eschewed guys that were looking for sex buddies and picked the ones who were looking for something more. Skye missed the element of intimacy he once had with Jason. He was certain he would not find satisfaction in casual flings and one-night stands. He wanted to meet someone he could build a future with. Although some of his dates were enticing, the chemistry never seemed right. It took six months of serial dating before he met a suitable candidate.
Skye knew there was something special about Kuan Eng the first time they met. The man had a gaze that suggested a sharp intelligence without the accompanying arrogance and an air of assurance that could only come from someone who was deeply in touch with himself. On his part, Kuan Eng liked that Skye was not intimidated by his being 10 years older, or that he worked as a corporate lawyer. Before the first date was over, both of them knew they wanted more.
The more Skye learnt about Kuan Eng, the more amazed he became. Despite the demanding career that had him ploughing a 50-hour work week, Kuan Eng found time to volunteer regularly and take part in social activism. Skye was delighted that he had hooked up with Clark Kent but landed himself Superman. Through Kuan Eng, Skye was able to discover a part of Singapore that he had never known existed. As for Kuan Eng, he watched Skye blossom with a mentor’s satisfaction. The two quickly became a couple.
That was the period Skye and KC Kok drifted apart. During the stage when he was serial dating, Skye was happy to indulge KC Kok’s curiosity and had no qualms sharing the details of his encounters. But once Skye’s relationship with Kuan Eng had stabilised, KC Kok’s incessant probing came across as an intrusion into his privacy. His replies watered down to uninspired one-liners. Very soon, KC Kok stopped probing and retreated to his reclusive demeanour. Bathed in the bliss of a new relationship himself, Skye was blind to the depth of dejection his friend had sunk into.
KC Kok felt betrayed. His best friend had shut him out the moment he landed himself a catch. With no more access to Skye’s tales of debauchery, KC Kok took it upon himself to create his own adventures. Once he clicked on the mouse, there was no turning back. He went from one casual encounter to another, and as he grew bolder he began to take fewer precautions. It didn’t take long before he landed himself in trouble. KC Kok had somehow contracted an STD.
Once the riflemen figured it out, their attitude towards KC Kok went from disrespect to disdain; the incompetent specialist was also a cock sucker. It did not help that the other specialists were just as likely to mock KC Kok behind his back. More than once Skye picked a quarrel with them and admonished them for their insensitivity. It was in that perturbed state of mind that Skye became distracted during an assault drill and suffered a bad fall. Lying in the hospital bed with a dislocated shoulder, Skye wondered how KC Kok would cope without him around to fend off the malice and cruelty of the others.
Throughout his hospitalisation, Skye constantly texted KC Kok to check on his progress. Although the replies were brief and distanced, KC Kok did share that the antiviral pills were working and that the cold sores had all but receded. He also informed Skye that he had successfully secured a transfer and would be out of the infantry unit before Skye’s discharge.
Skye did not get to meet KC Kok for the remaining six months of their national service. Despite his repeated attempts to arrange for a meet up, KC Kok kept turning him down. After the army stint ended, Skye went on to university while KC Kok enrolled in a diploma program at the Lasalle College of the Arts. The two effectively lost touch.
When the news came one year later, Skye went into a state of shock. KC Kok had overdosed on sleeping pills.
The intensity of what transpired that fateful evening was deeply etched in Skye’s mind. Kuan Eng had dropped him off after a dinner gathering with friends. As he stepped into the apartment, he was slightly surprised to see that the family had guests. There was a lady who looked to be his mother’s age and a teenage girl, around 16 or 17. Both of them tilted their heads and nailed him with a steely gaze as he stepped in. His mother had a perturbed look on her face. It was as though she was fearful for him.
“This is Mrs Kok and her daughter,” Wei Wen introduced. “They are here to inform you that your friend KC passed away last Wednesday. He took his own life.”
Skye stood paralysed. He had to struggle to digest what he had just heard. Wei Wen came forward and guided him to sit down on the sofa.
“My brother left you a letter.” The teenage girl gestured at a sheet of paper on the table. It was folded twice to fit neatly into an envelope addressed to him, but had since been extracted and unfurled. It was obvious that all three present had already read it.
KC Kok had taken his time to pen his last letter; the handwriting was deliberate and beautiful. Skye read through the letter thrice, not merely because he could not digest it properly in his muddled state of mind, but also because he needed time to prepare himself. He was almost certain that whatever Mrs Kok had to say to him next would not be pleasant. Despite the foreboding, that was not the reason he was distressed. The guests would eventually leave. It was Wei Wen’s unknown response that struck panic in his heart. His mother now knew his secret. There was no more hiding.
“Mrs Kok has something to say to you.” Wei Wen leaned forward and gently pried the letter from Skye’s hands. “You can read this again later.”
Skye nodded and looked straight at KC Kok’s mother. “I am so sorry.”
“My son says he does not blame you,” Mrs Kok began. Her tone was calm. “I will try not to blame you, too. You are just as young as Kheng Chye. But I want you to know, your words and your behaviour have an impact on others, especially people who trust you. What you do is wrong. You are not my son, so I am in no position to lecture you. But I want you to remember this. Behind every young man who does wrong is a mother who will have her heart broken. I feel sorry for what your mother has to go through tonight. But she still has a chance to make things right. For me, I don’t even get that chance. My son is gone.”
Skye could feel tears welling up. If his mother or Mrs Kok thought he was fig
hting tears of shame and sorrow, they were mistaken. These were tears of bitterness. It was the bitter indignation over Mrs Kok’s unassailable stance that what he did was wrong. It was also the bitter understanding that this was not the time to defend himself. Her child had died. If she needed Skye’s culpability to reach a closure, Skye would have to grant her that.
After Mrs Kok and her daughter left, Skye tensed. He was now all alone in the room with his mother. He knew it must have come as a shock for her. What he did not know was the sense of helplessness his mother felt not being able to come to his defence when Mrs Kok had laid it out for him. Yet how could she, when her son did not trust her enough to share with her his deepest and darkest secret?
Skye answered his mother’s string of questions in a daze. Yes, he was certain. No, he was not promiscuous. He had met someone and was in a monogamous relationship. No, he was not ready to tell his father yet. Could they discuss this another day? He was really, really tired.
Skye texted Kuan Eng furiously once he was alone in his bedroom. His mother knew. She might ask to meet him. Was he ready? Kuan Eng’s affirmation when it came almost instantly was the solace he sought. They discussed their strategy over the next hour. Kuan Eng knew a counsellor who conducted a monthly session with parents whose children had come out. He would find out details of the upcoming session so that Skye could invite his mother. It would help tremendously to have a professional counsellor ease her mind.
After Skye switched off his hand phone for the night, he laid supine in bed, spent. That was the moment it hit him. KC Kok, the reclusive gay teenager he had goaded out of the closet and then carelessly abandoned, had killed himself. Skye cupped his mouth as he began to whimper uncontrollably.
Wei Wen pretended to be asleep when Gimme Lao came in after midnight. Though she lay unmoving, the torrent of anxious rumination tormented her the entire night. How could she have not detected the signs? Would it have made a difference if he had come to her in the beginning? Why did he not trust her? Wei Wen felt as though she was going mad. In the end, she convinced herself that there was only one question she needed to focus on. How could she now help him?
The next morning, she left the apartment at dawn and went for a swim in the condo pool. She continued to contemplate as she covered her laps. Skye had always been independent in spirit and mind. If he identified himself as a gay man, Wei Wen was inclined to believe him. But it was going to be such an arduous journey for him. There were people out there who made it their fanatical mission to shame and denounce gay men. Her boy would have to suffer the bigotry of these people. Her heart ached. Skye could have had a much easier journey were he straight.
When a group of elderly residents descended upon the pool for their regular aqua aerobic workout, Wei Wen retired to the deck chair to tan herself. The warm rays toasting her skin would normally induce her to doze off, but she had too much on her mind that morning. Her thoughts meandered till they landed on her brother. He, too, had to suffer the prejudice of society at large, not the least from her very husband. She was powerless to protect him when he needed her most. She would not let that happen to her son.
Skye’s message reached her as she was getting ready to head home. There was a counselling session on Thursday conducted by an organisation for parents of LGBT youths. Would she come with him? Wei Wen texted her reply without hesitation. She would love to.
The session was held at the Ulu Pandan Community Club. As Wei Wen stepped in after Skye, she immediately recognised someone she knew from university. Try as she might, she could not recall her name. But the woman spotted her, beamed and approached quickly. “You are Wei Wen, aren’t you? My goodness, we haven’t met in like… two decades?”
“Has it been that long?” Wei Wen laughed, a little too shrilly. It was a desperate attempt to hide her embarrassment.
“And this is your son?”
Skye returned the smile and took the woman’s hand as she offered it. He was surprised at how resolute her handshake was.
“I am Omala, the counsellor for this evening’s session. I used to know your mother in university.”
It all came gushing back to Wei Wen instantly. Omala, the student leader known for her fiery passion. They had a nickname for her—The Tornado.
One week later, Omala arranged to meet Wei Wen for coffee. She was astonished to learn that Wei Wen was married to Gimme Lao. Laughingly, she admitted she had not kept up with the gossip mill among their university friends. Wei Wen vaguely remembered Gimme Lao mentioning that he and Omala had some sort of a falling out, and so did not suggest the two get together. Instead, she asked Omala to fill her in on the missing decades.
Omala had plunged into work life right after she attained her degree in sociology. Over the years, she worked for various NGOs, finally settling down as the assistant director of operations for an organisation working with migrant workers. She was the only one among her siblings and cousins who remained unmarried. Omala relished her image as the bold and adventurous aunt that her 12 nephews and nieces adored. They knew no one else who had flown over the Victoria Falls in Zambia in a microlight, rode a camel into the Merzuga desert in Morocco and paraglided over ancient ruins in Romania. Omala loved her life.
Moving forward, Omala was excited about a significant event she was spearheading together with a group of activists. Come June the following year, they intended to organise an afternoon of festivity at Hong Lim Park. The event, in support of the LGBT community, would be the first of its kind in Singapore.
“A gay pride parade? Here?” Wei Wen gasped. She could not imagine the conservative government giving the green light for such a controversial event. “Can you get the permit to run it?”
“We have people working on that,” Omala enthused. “And it’s not exactly gay pride. The focus is not on the LGBT community’s clamour for recognition, but the acceptance, support and love from allies in the community. The friends and families would stand in support of their gay sons, daughters and buddies.”
Watching Omala speak, Wei Wen realised that her old friend had not lost her passion all these years. In contrast, Wei Wen herself felt jaded. When was she ever passionate about anything?
“I would like to invite you to be a part of it,” Omala said.
Wei Wen was about to reply that she would give it some thought when she remembered her resolution to be there for Skye. “Yes. I will attend the event.”
“That is not what I meant.” Omala shook her head. “We need lots of hands on deck to organise this. Come in and help us. It would also give you the opportunity to get to know your son’s boyfriend better. Kuan Eng is on the main organising committee.”
Wei Wen felt a wave of gratitude wash over her.
The following week, Wei Wen turned up for the volunteer briefing session. She watched as Kuan Eng shared the newest updates with the group of over a hundred. All the attendees would be asked to turn up in pink. At the appointed hour, everyone would gather to form a gigantic pink dot in the middle of the park. Photographs and video clips of the formation of the pink dot could then be circulated online to create awareness and branding. The event would become the inaugural ‘Pink Dot 2009’.
When Skye arranged for Wei Wen and Kuan Eng to meet over dinner two nights later, she admitted that she was rather taken by Kuan Eng’s eloquence and presence on stage. Kuan Eng laughed and said he ought to be thankful for all the mock court trials he had to undergo during his undergraduate days. On his decision to go into corporate law, Kuan Eng tickled both Wei Wen and Skye with his whimsical theorising. The law enforcement agencies in Singapore were so efficient that the crooks and criminals could never grow their illicit businesses to any respectable size. The virtual absence of deep-pocketed clients who could pay defence attorneys good money led to an exodus of the best lawyers from the court rooms to the corporate meeting rooms. This unfortunate imbalance in the legal and criminal ecosystem was disastrous for any aspiring lawyer. It was a good thing the Attorney-General’s Office w
as not as efficient as the law enforcement agencies. Otherwise, corporate lawyers would starve too.
Wei Wen and Skye both laughed heartily; Wei Wen because she was happy that Kuan Eng was intelligent, charming and in a strong position financially to give Skye a comfortable lifestyle, and Skye because he was glad that his mother approved of his boyfriend. To all parties concerned, the first meeting was a resounding success.
Wei Wen was roped in to help coordinate between the various agencies setting up booths at the event. Over the next few months, she became familiar with the language and personalities in the community. At one point, a gay stand-up comedian even gave her free tickets to his performance. When she invited Skye to come along, he laughed and said Wei Wen probably knew more people in the community than he did now.
As Pink Dot drew near, Skye asked Wei Wen if she thought it would be a good idea to invite Gimme Lao to the event. Wei Wen secretly thought that even if Gimme Lao could come to terms with the fact that Skye was gay, he would surely not be too keen to be spotted at such an event. But she knew that if Skye was ready, she would give him her full support.
The day of the event finally arrived. As Wei Wen sat across from Skye in the café waiting for Gimme Lao, she could tell that he was nervous. She was about to reassure him when a call came in from Kuan Eng. A logistical emergency had arisen on site and they desperately needed a few extra pairs of hand. Could Skye hop over?
“Go,” Wei Wen urged. “I will handle dad.”
From where she was seated, Wei Wen had a good view of Hong Lim Park. A handful of people had started to stream in. They laid out picnic mats near the main stage to book their spots before retreating to the shade by the fringe. The programme would not begin for another two hours; it was simply too hot to be sitting under the sun. Someone was testing the mike, but Wei Wen could not make out the announcements.
“Is that the gay pride event? I did not realise it was today.”
Wei Wen turned around startled. The thick carpeting in the café had allowed Gimme Lao to sneak up undetected. She gestured for him to take up Skye’s vacated seat and pointed at the slice of chocolate banana cake. “You can have that. Skye had to rush off to tend to an emergency.”
Let's Give It Up for Gimme Lao! Page 24
