Shoot Me

by Lesley Crewe

  “She loves it. Now get over here before I decide I like Pansy better.”

  Lily giggled. “Pansy doesn’t have access to Aunt Hildy’s treasure, buster, so you better be nice to me.”

  He grabbed her around the waist. “Oh, I intend to be very nice to you. But don’t tell your dad.”

  Since it was Saturday, Juliet and Robert were in the attic with Faith, all of them brooding.

  “I can’t believe my lousy luck,” Faith griped. “Just when I find out about a treasure chest, Aunt Hildy announces the fact to the whole damn family. I mean, can you believe it?”

  Robert balanced on a cushion. “Oh, I believe it. The way my life’s going, I’ll have a plague of locusts in my yard before nightfall.”

  “Oh, do shut it, Robert. As if you have anything to complain about. You’re married to me aren’t you?” Juliet didn’t wait for an answer, but instead pulled a compact out of her bag and touched up her nose in the mirror. “Do you really think we’re any worse off, now that everyone knows? No one’s here most of the time. We have loads of time to look.” She shut the compact with a resounding click. “Besides, the girls will never find anything. The family jewels they’re interested in don’t belong to Aunt Hildy.”

  “Juliet, don’t be…”

  “What? Vulgar? It’s the only excitement I get, Robert. Don’t be such a sap.”

  Faith lit a fag. “Will you two knock it off? We’re wasting time. We’ll stick with our decorating story because it can’t be blatantly obvious we’re on the hunt. Otherwise, everyone will be on our tails and we’ll have to share everything.”

  “So where do we start?” Robert asked. “I mean, do we just stand around and wallpaper all day and wait for the coast to clear?”

  Faith pointed to paint cans piled in the corner. “Just grab one and take it everywhere you go. Carry a brush and a tape measure too. Make sure people see them.”

  Juliet sighed. “This is all so irritating. Why don’t we just gang up on Aunt Hildy and make her tell us where it is?”

  “Are you serious?” Faith cried. “You’d beat up an old lady?”

  “Given the right circumstances, I wouldn’t put it past her,” Robert nodded.

  “The both of you are being ridiculous. I mean we can just wear her down. Persuade her to change her mind.”

  “Hello. We’re talking about Aunt Hildy.” Faith said.

  Juliet made a face and picked up a paint can.

  Since it was Saturday, Elsie stayed in bed as long as possible, even though it looked like another sunny day. This, of course, made her feel guilty. There were all sorts of outside chores that needed her attention. Barring that, she could get off her duff and go for a walk, but all she did was gather her pillows behind her and reach for her notebook. Lily had given it to her, to write down her dreams. Most of the time she just used it to make lists:

  deodorant

  dry cleaners

  60-watt light bulbs

  stamps

  get Graham out of my life.

  She doodled flowers around his name and tried to think of something constructive she could embark on. What she needed was a sign. That’s when the phone rang.

  “Hello?”

  “Hi Elsie. It’s Harry.”

  She crawled out of the covers and lay on her stomach. “Hi.”

  “You busy?”

  “No.”

  “What’re you doin’?”

  She wrapped the phone cord around her finger. “Lying in bed.”

  “Want some company?”

  She turned over on her back and felt vaguely ashamed of the instant stab of heat this question generated.

  “Just remember. You and Graham are not together.”

  She smiled. “I’m sorry I’m such an idiot.”

  “Hey, don’t say that. I think you’re wonderful.”

  “No, I’m not. I made a fool of myself the night we were together.”

  His voice got deeper. “I hope you remember some of it. I know I’ll never forget a single moment.”

  This felt nice. Girly and silly, but nice. Was there something wrong with that?

  “I remember,” she said softly.

  “Then let’s do it again.”

  “Do what again?”

  She heard him chuckle. “Drink champagne. It has a pleasant aftereffect.”

  She laughed out loud and suddenly felt much better. “Okay, but you have to buy me lunch first.”

  “It’s a deal.”

  After she hung up she sat on the bed and bit her nails. She wasn’t sure if this was the right thing to do, but knew if she could distract herself for even an hour from the madness in her life, she’d be doing herself a favour.

  “Even I deserve some happiness. Right Pip?”

  Pip, the newest stray cat in the family, gave her a happy purr-meow and snuggled back into the duvet to sleep.

  Elsie bounced out of bed, took off her nightgown and grabbed her bathrobe. She held it to her chest as she dashed to the bathroom for a leisurely soak. She let the bathrobe drop as she shut the door. Robert was behind it, holding a can of paint.

  “AAAHH!” she screamed.

  “AAAHH!” he screamed back.

  Elsie grabbed the bath mat hanging over the tub and tried to hide herself.

  “You scared me to death, Robert. Get out of here!”

  “I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”

  “What are you doing here, anyway? No. Never mind, don’t answer that. Just go.”

  Robert held the paint can over his face and backed away from her, trying to grab the doorknob.

  “Do you want me to tell Juliet you’re a perv?!” She grabbed a face cloth and threw it at him.

  “I’m not stalking you, if that’s what you think.” He finally got the door open. “I’m decorating.”

  “Well, go decorate someone else’s bathroom.” She shut the door behind him and leaned against it while her heart thumped in her chest. “God. What an idiot.”

  “I’m sorry,” he said from the other side. “If it makes you feel any better, you’ve got great tits.”

  Incredulous, she got ready to fling the door open and slap his face, when she heard a new sound in the hall. She put her ear to the door.

  “Who has great tits?” Juliet demanded to know.

  “No one. I didn’t say tits.”

  “Well, what did you say then?”

  “I’ll see if it fits.”

  “See if what fits?”

  “Crikey, Juliet. Do you have to know everything? Elsie asked me a question, that’s all. Go find something else to do and leave me alone.”

  Elsie heard footsteps. She opened the door slightly. Juliet stood there with her arms crossed.

  “So let’s see these famous tits of yours.”

  “Why are you here?”

  “We’re decorating.”

  “You’re decorating my house but you didn’t think to ask me first? Who do you think you are, Debbie Travis?”

  Juliet leaned in to whisper, “I’m helping Faith, okay. And you, for that matter. If I left it up to her, she’d hang a velvet Elvis in your foyer. Is that what you want?”

  “Fine,” she sighed. “Just keep a leash on your husband.”

  Elsie banged the door shut and turned on the faucets full blast. “I’m drinking two bottles of champagne.”

  Since it was Saturday, Graham thought he’d take a look at the dryer and see if he couldn’t fix it. He’d heard the girls talk about their mom having to call a repairman, and this seemed like a good way to try and make up for his big mouth.

  He’d bitten his tongue the minute he mentioned Harry. Why didn’t she bring up Bunny? At least then they’d be even. He also felt awful about the earrings, but it never entered his head to ask Elsie if she’d like to contribute. Of course, that’s what she always complained about—him not thinking.

  The simple thing was to fix something. Anything. He gathered up some tools and headed for the dryer. He thought he could smell smoke,
so he ran to the mud room and pushed open the door, which in turn hit Faith on the backside, causing her to fall forward flat on her face.

  “For the love of Christ. Was that necessary? Look what you did to my ciggy.”

  “What the hell are you doing?”

  She got to her knees. “I’m decorating if you must know.”

  Graham noticed the can of paint beside her. “Do you seriously want me to believe you’re decorating the dryer? Is it a mural you have in mind or just a touch-up?”

  “You’re so incredibly clever.” Faith rose to her feet and put her hands on the small of her back. When she gave it a twist, it cracked.

  “You’re in a small, closed room, surrounded by paint fumes, yet smoking like a chimney. Talk about clever.”

  She threw her hands in the air. “Okay, okay. I don’t need this aggro.”

  “Aggro? You have about as much aggro in your life as a bowl of fruit.”

  She took a piece of gum from her pants pocket and popped it in her mouth. “Want one?”

  He shook his head.

  She proceeded to stand, hand on one hip, and chew her cud for awhile. Then she pointed a finger right in his face. “Do you know what your trouble is?”

  “Enlighten me.”

  “Ever since the day you laid eyes on my baby sister, you’ve made her pay.”

  Graham snorted. “For what?”

  “For everything. You’ve been jealous of her from day one. So you make her feel stupid, make her second-guess herself constantly. You laugh at her because she lets me live here. You get mad at her because she can’t turn Aunt Hildy away. You think she’s a pushover.”

  “She is.”

  “Where would you be without her? Where would any of us be without her? She took you in, but you can’t stand it when she does it for someone else.”

  Graham wanted to smack her.

  “There’s only one difference between thee and me, dearie. Graham, I know I’m a loser.”

  He couldn’t think of anything to say, so he just stood there. She picked up her paint can and patted him on the shoulder as she went by.

  “Do her a favour, Graham. Let her go.”

  And out she went.

  Was it true? Was he jealous of Elsie’s life when he first met her? He couldn’t remember. There was only one emotion that stayed with him from those early years. It started the night she told her father they wanted to get married. The night her old man looked at him with utter contempt. Anger.

  And that’s what he felt now. He went back to his room and called Bunny. He was a bomb ready to go off and she was an easy and safe way to detonate.

  Later that afternoon Eli invited Slater to join him and his buddies from Dal in a game of Ultimate Frisbee. Slater was thrilled to be included with this university crowd, but he didn’t say yes until Dahlia told him to go ahead. Lily rolled her eyes.

  When the boys drove off in Slater’s Mustang, she and Dahlia decided to go to the Halifax Shopping Centre and buy make-up at the MAC store. They took the bus, since their mother had taken off with the car and they’d rather not shop at all than drive their father’s company van. When they arrived, there were about ten other women in the small space.

  Spotting a consultant who looked free, Dahlia made a bee-line over to her, but another girl pushed in ahead and started talking.

  “Excuse me,” Dahlia said. “I was just about to ask her something.”

  The girl ignored her. Dahlia’s mouth dropped open and she looked around for Lily, finally catching her eye. She waved Lily over.

  “This chick pushed in front of me,” Dahlia told her. “Can you believe how rude that is?”

  “So tell her.” Lily held up an eye-liner. “What do you think of this colour?”

  “It’s nice.” Dahlia reached over and tapped the girl on the shoulder. “Excuse me.”

  The girl turned around and glared at her. “Get lost!”

  Dahlia’s head went back. “Are you kidding me?”

  “Wait.” Lily tugged on her sister’s sleeve. “I know you. Tiffany, isn’t it? From Psych lab.”

  Tiffany gave them both a filthy look. “Look, I’m busy here.”

  “You pushed in front of my sister. There’s no need for that,” Lily told her.

  Tiffany sighed. “Tell your sister, freak girl, that she has to wait her turn like everyone else.”

  “What did you call me?”

  Tiffany smiled. “Didn’t you know that was your nickname when you had your Bazooka hair? Even your precious Eli used to call you that. But that was before he and I made our bet.”

  Lily was suddenly ice-cold. “What bet?”

  “I bet him two hundred dollars he wouldn’t ask you out. Looks like he’ll do anything to make a buck.”

  Dahlia pushed her. “You nasty little tramp. Take that back.”

  “Why don’t you ask him, freak girl?”

  Lily was numb. “Why are you doing this? What did I ever do to you?”

  “I don’t have time for this shit.” Tiffany pushed past both of them and walked away.

  Dahlia screamed after her, “Whoever does your hair should be arrested!” She turned back to her sister. “She’s lying.”

  Lily put her hand over her mouth. “I think I’m going to be sick. What if it’s true?”

  Dahlia put her arms around her. “I’m going to kill him if it is.”

  “I need to get out of here, Dee. Take me home.”

  “Okay. Frig the bus. I’m calling a taxi.”

  To go to bed with Harry in the middle of the night while drunk was infinitely easier than to do it in the middle of the afternoon while sober. Try as she might, Elsie could not get a buzz on at lunch—due, at least in part, to the fact that Graham’s best friend and his wife were eating lunch just three tables away, giving her the hairy eyeball every time Harry grabbed her hand or stroked her arm.

  “Let’s get out of here.”

  “The lady can’t wait,” Harry winked. “Your wish is my command.”

  Elsie squirmed. “Excuse me a moment. I’ll be right back.” She ran to the bathroom, flew into a cubicle and locked it behind her. “Help.”

  “Do you need some toilet paper, dear?” an elderly voice said through the wall beside her.

  “Oh…yes. Thank you.” God. Now she’d have to pee.

  Things didn’t improve. As they walked to the car, Harry put his arm over her shoulder and bent down to give her a great messy kiss in the middle of the street. When he finally came up for air, who was walking down the other side of the street but Graham’s uncle. He gave her a dirty look and a curt nod and continued on his way. She yanked on her skirt, a subtle hint to indicate it hadn’t been over her head in the last half hour. She was a lady.

  She wasn’t in the best of moods when they landed back at Harry’s apartment because it dawned on her that this was her new reality. Welcome to the single life.

  “Relax,” Harry whispered. He tried to remove her clothes, but she was as stiff as a mannequin. Her limbs would not budge.

  “I’m sorry. I’m just not…”

  “Cooperating.”

  She pinched him. “No. I’m just not in the mood, if you must know.”

  “But…”

  She wiggled out of his arms. “Look, Harry. You’re a very nice guy, but I’m not good at this.”

  He let her go. “I’ll say.”

  She stood on one foot and gave him the same pose the girls used when she asked them to vacuum.

  “Is this what dating is? A Caesar salad and a glass of wine buys you an hour in bed?”

  Harry gave her a funny look. “You were up for it on the phone just a couple of hours ago, in case you don’t remember.”

  She turned her back on him and plunked down on the first chair she saw. She cupped her chin in her hand. “I know. I’m losing my mind.”

  Harry gave her a smirk. “Yes, you are.”

  “Listen mister. In my own defence, I’m so out of touch, I didn’t know condoms came in
different colours. You could have warned me.”

  “Poor little Elsie. She’s having such a hard time. But can you resist me?” He pranced around and pretended to be Ricky Martin, singing Living La Vida Loca until she laughed in spite of herself. He grabbed her hands and pulled her out of the chair, holding her close. “Think of this as therapy. Let yourself go. What are you afraid of?”

  “Everything.”

  He kissed her nose. “Close your eyes then, and let me do all the work.”

  Oh, whatever. The only other thing she had to do today was defrost a pound of ground beef.

  “Fine.” She went limp. “Do your worst.”

  Harry drove her home afterwards, on his way to work. She had to admit she liked the look of him in his uniform, but she could do without him asking her four times how he rated as a lover. She finally gave him a ten, just to shut him up.

  When they rounded the corner of Elsie’s street, a crowd of kids stood in front of her house. Mrs. Noseworthy jumped up and down in the middle of them.

  “What in the world?”

  “Looks like a party,” Harry laughed.

  She couldn’t believe her eyes. Slater and Eli were on the front lawn yelling up at the girls, who threw Beanie Babies at them from their bedroom window. A pile of stuffed animals lay at the boys’ feet.

  Elsie got out of the car. “What’s going on? Is this a joke?”

  Lily threw an octopus out the window. “It’s no joke when someone you love makes a laughing stock of you in front of your entire class.”

  “You have to believe me, Lil. I didn’t pay her two hundred bucks.”

  “Pay who two hundred bucks?” Elsie hollered.

  Slater filled her in. “They’re saying Eli made a bet with a blonde slut, Mrs. B.”

  “It’s the only reason he asked me out!” Lily wailed.

  Elsie looked at the boys. “A blonde slut? What does her hair colour have to do with anything?”

  “She’s a big fat liar,” Eli pleaded with Elsie.

  She was confused. “Who’s a big fat liar? Lily or the slut?”

  “He is!” Dahlia pointed down at Eli. “He’s just wants to cover up his guilt.” She pitched a gorilla, which just missed Slater’s head.

  “Hey. I’m the good guy, remember?”

  Lily cried, “Then why are you sticking up for him?”