Shoot Me

by Lesley Crewe

  She eventually cried herself out and once she did she felt much better—and hungry. As she stirred the Kraft Dinner, there was a knock at the door.

  Eli smiled. “Guess who?”

  “Mrs. Minelli?”

  “Who else?” He went to the door and opened it. “Hey, gorgeous.”

  “Oh, you’re such a flirt,” Mrs. Minelli walked past him holding a CorningWare dish like it was a gift to the gods. “Pasta primavera tonight. Oh hello, Daffodil, how are you?”

  Lily smiled and didn’t bother to correct her. “Fine. Something smells divine.”

  “You two sit,” she said. “I want to make this an occasion.”

  They set the table and sat around it. The cook watched them dig in.

  “Are you sure you won’t have any?” Eli said with his mouth full. “It’s out of this world.”

  “Na. I make it all the time.”

  Eli took two more huge bites, then dropped his fork, startling them both.

  “What’s wrong?” Lily cried. “Did you bite your tongue?”

  He shook his wrists and tried to swallow. “Eureka!”

  Mrs. Minelli put her hand over her heart. “That good, is it?”

  “I know what I want to do with my life!”

  “It just came to you in a bolt of lightning?” Lily laughed.

  “It came to me in a casserole dish.” He turned to Mrs. Minelli. “You and I can open a little Italian restaurant. You’ll be head chef. We’ll make a million bucks and become famous.”

  Lily shouted, “Oh my god, what a great idea! This is like, the best food on the planet.”

  Eli slapped his hands together. “This is fantastic. I can invest in my own business with my own money. You won’t have to do anything, Mrs. Minelli, except cook your little heart out. And, wait! We’ll call it…Mrs. Minelli’s.”

  The kids were so thrilled with themselves they didn’t notice Mrs. Minelli hadn’t said anything. They finally looked over expecting her to be all smiles, but instead she looked like she was going to cry.

  “What’s wrong?” Eli said.

  She shook her head sadly. “Thank you Eli. It’s a nice dream, but it won’t happen.”

  Eli couldn’t hide his disappointment. “Why not?”

  “I came to tell you tonight. I have to move back to Italy.”

  Eli’s face fell even further. “What do you mean?”

  “I lost my job and I’m too old to find another one. Who’d hire me? I can’t afford to live in my apartment anymore. I have just enough money to fly home to be with my sister.”

  “That’s terrible,” Eli frowned. “How long have you known this?”

  “A little while. I didn’t want to tell you.” Mrs. Minelli pulled a Kleenex out of her sleeve. “I’m going to miss Canada. And you.” She dabbed at her eyes.

  Eli got upset. “You’ve been trying to save money and yet cooking all these wonderful meals for me. You shouldn’t have done that.”

  “It made me happy,” she sniffed.

  “Well, you can’t go and that’s that. I’ll pay your rent. I can afford it.”

  “No, bambino. I couldn’t do that. It’s too much.”

  Lily bit her lip. “I hate to say it but she might be right, Eli. If you have to pay for your rent and hers and try to open a restaurant, you might be stretched too thin.”

  “I have to try Lil. This is such a great opportunity, not only for me but for Mrs. Minelli too.”

  “You’re like a son to me,” Mrs. Minelli sobbed. “The son I never had.”

  Eli took her hand and squeezed it.

  Now it was Lily’s turn to have a bolt out of the blue. She jumped up from the table. “I’ve got it. I’ve got it. This will work if you trust me, Mrs. Minelli.”

  The poor soul looked like she was hanging by a thread. She clasped her hands together as if in prayer. “What? What?”

  “I want you to come with us. My aunt and uncle just moved into a big old house that has two extra apartments in it. If Eli moved into one of them, instead of staying here, you could stay with him until we have the restaurant up and running and then you’ll be making so much money you can afford your own apartment!”

  Eli yelled, “That’s perfect, Lil. You’re brilliant! What do you say, Mrs. Minelli?”

  She put her hands over her mouth for a good ten seconds. She looked uncertain. The kids waited on tenterhooks.

  “I don’t think…I’ll miss this place!” She jumped up and they ran around the table to hug each other.

  Elsie’s sisters and brother-in-law spent the morning in the Beech Street kitchen re-hashing the night before. None of them had ever seen Elsie in that state before and they were rattled. Elsie had always been the “good” one. Who knew she had the capacity for such anger? Juliet reminded Faith that their sea captain grandfather was known for his temper. Faith pointed out it was a good thing he wasn’t around, because he would’ve hit the roof at the sight of his precious model ship reduced to kindling.

  After three hours of rolling paint on the ceilings, Faith had to take a breather. “Why did I say I’d do this?”

  Juliet looked up from painting the trim around the windows. “You have no life?”

  “We’ll all have a life when that bag of treasure is sorted out tonight,” Robert grinned as he wiped up spills that missed the drop cloth. “We don’t need to worry about who gets what. There’s more than enough for everyone. What time did Graham say to be over?”

  “Dinnertime,” Faith answered. “Although why he figures he’s the boss is beyond me. He wants out of our family, so why do we listen to him?”

  Juliet shook her head. “I can’t believe those jewels are just sitting over there. There better be a babysitter in that house.”

  Her sister nodded. “Elsie’s there. Graham got Lily to call her off sick.”

  “Hellooo. I think she proved that last night.”

  “And besides,” Faith continued, “the stuff ’s been in the house for a million years, why would someone steal it now?”

  Her sister tsked. “Because we conveniently found it for them, that’s why.”

  They heard footsteps on the front porch and a knock on the door.

  Juliet rolled her eyes. “I hope to God it’s not some welcome wagon dough head.”

  Faith dipped her roller into the tray. “That’s a neighbourly attitude. You’ll make a ton of friends on this street.”

  Robert went to the door. Lily and Eli barged in, dragging along an Italian woman straight from the old country, with her rolled up stockings and hair in a bun.

  “You’ve got to help us Uncle Robert,” Lily panted.

  Faith put down her roller. “What have you two done now?”

  Eli put his hands up to ward off questions. “Just hear us out. This is Mrs. Minelli.”

  Mrs. Minelli smiled and bobbed up and down. “How do you do?”

  Juliet looked down at her from the chair she stood on. “Do you have a first name?”

  “Nella.”

  “Nella Minelli?

  Mrs. Minelli shrugged.

  Eli continued. “I’d like to rent one of your apartments. Mrs. Minelli and I are moving in together.”

  “Do you approve of this arrangement, Lily?” Faith smirked. “It’s awfully open-minded of you.”

  Lily made a face. “Oh, hardy har har.”

  “Mrs. Minelli here is the key to a wonderful business venture that will make us millions of dollars,” Eli boasted.

  Robert rubbed his hands together. “How so?”

  “With this.” Eli took the spice rack Mrs. Minelli held close to her chest. “This is the best cook in the world and we’ll soon be the owners of a Mrs. Minelli franchise of Italian restaurants. We might even let you in on the ground floor as investors. What do you say?”

  Juliet surprised everyone with her authoritative instructions. “She’ll have to pass a test first. Take her over to your house and get her to make dinner. We’ll be over and judge the results. If we like what w
e eat, it’s a go.”

  Everyone ran about. Except Juliet. She stared out the window. She’d always been able to smell a deal and when she looked at Mrs. Minelli, she smelled success, along with the pungent aroma of oregano, basil and garlic. There was something about the woman. Juliet knew this was it. Her ship had come in.

  When Elsie went to work that same morning, she hit every green light. Her favourite song played on the radio. She had a good hair day. She won ten bucks on her lotto ticket and the grouch at the cash register in the cafeteria was off sick. Even the debit slip matched the amount in her cheque book. Things were simply wonderful. She floated all afternoon in the afterglow of her incredible night.

  Only as she drove into the driveway that evening, did she take a moment to collect herself. She didn’t know how she would explain her behaviour last night but she would defend it. She needed to be brave. She would demand things for herself. It was about time.

  She got out of the car and walked to the back door. Mrs. Noseworthy raked a few leaves from under her hedge.

  “Something smells heavenly, Mrs. Noseworthy. What’s for dinner?”

  “I wish I knew. It’s over at your house.”

  “It is? Well, I must go investigate. See you later.” Elsie smiled as she went through the door. It was probably the girls, trying to make amends to their poor old mom. But there was no one in the kitchen except a large woman with a moustache throwing spices in a huge pot of tomato sauce.

  “Hello?”

  “Oh hello Missus. Please. Sit. Eat. Everyone’s in the dining room. I’ll be right in with your dinner.”

  Elsie did as she was told because she didn’t know what else to do. When she walked into the dining room, everyone was at the table. No one spoke. They were stuffing their faces and dipping their bread into the mounds of fresh pasta on their plates.

  “Excuse me. Who’s in the kitchen?”

  Eli grinned. “That, Mrs. B, is a woman who’ll be as famous as Aunt Jemima in no time.”

  The woman hurried in with a plate. Eli introduced them. “This is Mrs. Minelli. Mrs. Minelli, this is Mrs. Brooks, the lady of the house.”

  Elsie smiled at her. “It’s nice to meet you. But aren’t you eating too?”

  Mrs. Minelli adjusted her bulk. “I never eat.”

  “Oh.”

  Slater held up his plate for more. “You wouldn’t believe it, Mrs. B. Dahlia and I came home from work and this far out chick was doin’ her thing in the kitchen and I say: Party on, Mrs. Minelli, party on!”

  Graham looked at her. “Try it.”

  Elsie sat down and swirled a bit of spaghetti on a spoon with her fork. They waited for the verdict. “It’s absolutely delicious.”

  Eli got up and hugged the woman of the hour. “What did I tell you?”

  Mrs. Minelli beamed and shouted, “Tomorrow…ravioli.”

  A cheer went up.

  The time came to sort the treasure. The dishes were done and the family assembled, which included the newest member if only out of politeness.

  Graham rubbed his hands together. “I’ll go get it.”

  “Where did you put it anyway?” Robert asked him.

  “Ah ah. That’s my secret.”

  Elsie had no interest in what she’d uncovered, so she looked out the window at the night sky. No one asked her to explain her behaviour, so she kept quiet. Maybe they were afraid she’d fly off the handle again.

  They waited. And waited. And waited.

  “That miserable man,” Juliet griped. “He’s doing this deliberately. I could strangle him.”

  Faith yawned. “That’s what you say about everyone. If you strangled as many people as you say you’d like to, there would be no one in this room. Or on the block.”

  Graham entered the living room slowly. “It’s gone.”

  Everyone but Elsie leapt up.

  “If this is a joke, so help me…” Juliet warned.

  “It’s gone.”

  “Where?” Faith screamed.

  Graham screamed back. “If I knew that, I’d have it, wouldn’t I?”

  Mrs. Minelli tiptoed into the kitchen.

  “But that’s not possible,” Robert said. “It was here only twenty-four hours ago. No one knew we found it but us. Did anyone mention it to anyone else today?”

  Everyone shook their heads.

  “But Elsie was here today,” he insisted.

  “No. I went to work after lunch.”

  “What!?”

  “No one told me I couldn’t.”

  “Well,” Juliet spit, “if you’d been here last night, you would’ve known that. We said we’d divvy it up tonight since some of us were upset by your hysterics. I knew we should’ve bloody well done it the minute you walked out the door.”

  “Where did you hide it, Daddy?”

  “In the sewing room. In the big wardrobe.”

  “I don’t trust you,” Robert said. “You’ve hidden it.”

  “I refuse to justify that remark with a response.”

  “It wouldn’t hurt for all of us to look,” Lily said, and before the words were out of her mouth everyone but Graham and Elsie had dashed upstairs.

  “What’s going on in this house?”

  “The usual nonsense,” she said.

  “Who’d take it?”

  “McCasper, our friendly ghost?”

  “Yeah, right.” He held onto his head and then suddenly spun around. “You didn’t dump it off a wharf, did you?”

  “I should have, but no.”

  “Did you hear anything today, before you left for work?”

  Elsie suddenly got goose bumps. “As a matter of fact I did.

  I heard a bang and I thought someone was in the house. The dogs growled but I didn’t see anyone, so I figured maybe a skunk knocked over a garbage can.”

  “That’s it then. Someone stole it right out from under our noses the same way they killed Aunt Hildy. But who?”

  The family trooped back downstairs. “It’s not there. It’s not anywhere,” Lily said. “This is nuts. I swear this place is haunted.”

  “Crazy man,” Slater said. “Maybe Aunt Hildy’s mad that we took her stuff.”

  Juliet threw herself on a chair. “She wanted us to take it, you pinhead. I can’t believe my life. Just when something goes my way, the gods decide to have a shit-on-Juliet day.”

  “Right,” Robert sniped, “you’re the only one this affects. None of us had a stake in any of it.”

  “Well, someone in this room must be responsible, since only we knew about it,” Faith surmised. “Which one of you is the liar?”

  “Get a clue,” Dahlia said. “Why would any of us hide it from anyone else?”

  “Why did Juliet hide pieces of the chandelier from us? It’s the same thing,” Lily pointed out.

  Everyone looked at Juliet. She jumped out of her chair. “You ingrates think I took it? When? Did I climb the fence and wander over here in the dark, or was it this morning, when I was up to my eyeballs in paint?”

  “Since you’re afraid of the dark that lets you off the hook for last night,” Faith said, “but you could’ve sent Robert over the fence.”

  “My hind quarters wouldn’t permit vaulting a fence,” Robert said.

  “So where was everyone in this room today?” Faith asked. “Juliet, Robert and I were painting the kitchen over in the new house.”

  “And Eli, Mrs. Minelli and I were at his apartment.”

  “And Slater and I were at the salon.”

  “And I was at work.”

  “And I was at work too.”

  Slater looked at Flower and Kiwi. They cocked their heads at him. “These amigos are innocent.”

  Juliet’s mouth hung open. “Are you frigging Dr. Doolittle? Do you honestly think two dogs would cart off a bag of treasure? And then tell you about it?”

  “Of course not. But it’s only polite to include them. Faith asked where everyone in the room was today. They’re in the room.”

 
; Juliet advanced on him. “Okay, Einstein, you might be on to something. Let’s ask the cats.” She whipped around, hauled poor Pip off the couch and held him up in the air.

  “Where were you today, Pip? And remember. I’ll know if you’re lying.”

  “Meow.”

  “He might be guilty, I don’t understand cat. Perhaps you could translate, Slater?”

  “Hey, don’t make fun of me. It’s not very nice.”

  Elsie stepped in. “No it’s not. You’re acting like an idiot.”

  Juliet threw Pip back on the couch. “Me? That’s rich. I guess you don’t recall your little temper tantrum last night.”

  “You can argue about this later,” Graham yelled. “Let’s just try and figure out who might have done this.”

  “I’ve got a better idea,” Elsie said. “Why don’t we just call the police and report a robbery? Maybe they’ll find fingerprints.”

  Just then, Mrs. Minelli stuck her head in the room. “I made some hot chocolate with tiny marshmallows and some ten-minute fudge. Would anyone like some?”

  The herd stampeded to the kitchen.

  There was a full house that night, as Juliet and Robert were forced out by paint fumes and Eli and Mrs. Minelli didn’t have any furniture. Slater organized the linen closet detail as people lined up for their sheets and face towels. He also ran around and moved cots and generally helped out with everything. Mrs. Minelli protested that she didn’t need the guest room, she’d be happy on a lazy-boy, but Elsie insisted. The old woman cried and kissed everyone over and over.

  Everyone was up early the next morning, thanks to the smell of frying bacon and baked tea biscuits. Mrs. Minelli presided over the kitchen as if she’d cooked there all her life. Elsie was more than happy to let her take over. Her mood soured, however, when the doorbell rang and who was there but Harry and another officer, sent to investigate the robbery.

  “What are you doing here?” she whispered to him as his colleague, Officer Fish, went into the living room ahead of them.

  “Believe me, it wasn’t my idea,” Harry whispered back. “Because now all I want to do is take you upstairs and rip your clothes off.”

  “Stop it.”

  The family quickly gathered in the living room. Graham gave Harry a curt nod and Harry returned one. Elsie felt sick to her stomach. Of all the stupid policemen in the city, she got Harry. The rest of her family gave Harry big smiles.