2 Queenie Baby - Out of Office

by Christina A. Burke

  I sighed and sipped the last drop from my glass. "Time to get to work," I announced.

  Granddaddy was launching into another discussion on Cheers with Woody. I tapped his shoulder and indicated the door.

  He waved a hand at me. "Okeydokey, don't get yer skirts in a bunch."

  Woody gave me a grateful look.

  Before we left, I confirmed a day next week to do a few sets with Carlos. I left out the whole pirate thing, not sure how Woody felt about pirates. I didn't want a repeat of the night before.

  * * *

  I finished my set without a hitch. The audience loved my rendition of "Scarborough Fair." It was fun to play soft ballads dressed as a princess, but I wouldn't want to do it for a living. As I walked off the stage, I searched the audience for Rick and Granddaddy. It was dusk, and the stage lights made it difficult to see.

  A whistle that I recognized from childhood caught my attention to the left of the stage. Granddaddy took his fingers out of his mouth and waved.

  "Great performance," Rick said, leaning in for a hug.

  I accepted his hug, but tried to duck the gentle brush of his cheek against mine.

  "Perfection!" cried Granddaddy. "Now I got to go water the flowers."

  We all looked around at the sea of people wandering about in all directions and at the dozens lined up in front of the port-a-potties.

  This didn't look good. "Maybe we could head back to McGlynn's," I suggested.

  "Nope, ain't gonna make it," he said matter-of-factly.

  "Couldn't he just go off the docks somewhere?" Rick asked.

  The docks! Perfect! "I know just the place. Follow me." I had forgotten about Ed's yacht being docked directly behind us. I knew where Mark kept the spare key, and there was a full-size bathroom on board.

  We left the noise and chaos behind as we made our way down the boat slips. Ed's elegant, lovingly restored yacht was dark and silent as we climbed aboard. Granddaddy was dancing about impatiently as I pulled the key from under the potted plant and opened the door.

  I led the way down the spiral staircase into the living area and switched on a light.

  "Wow," Rick said, "this is what I call a boat. I can see why you put up with Mark."

  I gave him an evil look and started to tell him exactly what he could do with his comment.

  "Never mind all that," Granddaddy interrupted. "Where's the dad-burned bathroom on this tug?"

  I pointed to the next room. Rick walked around admiring the furniture. He flipped on the light in the bedroom.

  "Nice bed," he said wryly.

  "I wouldn't know," I replied primly.

  "Uh-huh."

  "Don't go digging around in there," I chastised, coming up behind him.

  And then I saw it. A black suitcase beside the bed.

  "That Mark's?" Rick asked, pointing at the suitcase.

  "I don't think so."

  Rick walked over and picked up the case. "It's not locked." He clicked open the latches.

  "Stop," I said, although I really wanted to see what was inside. "We shouldn't be doing this."

  Rick gave me a look. "Suit yourself," he said and made a move to close the locks.

  I jumped in front of him and threw back the top of the case. I gasped. It was full of women's clothing.

  "I don't suppose Mark's a cross-dresser?" Rick asked.

  "Well, that there explains this!" cried Granddaddy, coming out of the bathroom holding a flat iron and a clear bag containing cosmetics. "I knew that Mark feller was shifty. Never trust a man that smells that good."

  I looked over at Granddaddy like he'd finally lost his mind. "Why you lookin' at me like that? The man smells better 'n anyone should. Like fresh jerky and beer," he added.

  "He's right! But I thought he smelled like pine trees," added Rick.

  "You're both crazy! Why would he have these things?" I asked.

  "Looks to me like a woman is staying here," Rick said.

  "Well, no-duh," I snapped, sounding a lot like Tabitha. "But why?"

  "I'd say he has a girlfriend," Rick replied a little too smugly. "A hot one at that," he added, pulling out a lacy bra with generous cups.

  I smacked his hand. "Stop that! I'm not jumping to conclusions. I—I'll just call him."

  "Yeah, that'll work. 'Uh, hi, Mark, I was breaking into your boat and nosing around your bedroom and found some hot chick's clothes—'" Rick mimed.

  I elbowed him in the gut. "Not funny. This is not funny."

  "Tarnations, girl, how much more evidence do you need? You got a perfectly good man standin' there next to you an' smellin' like a man should, I might add. Don' waste another gol' darned minute on this rascal!" Granddaddy made an angry gesture around the room.

  "Thank you, I think," Rick replied to Granddaddy.

  The sound of footsteps on the dock echoed in the room.

  "Kill the light!" I ordered.

  Rick snapped off the bedroom light as I reached for the bathroom light. The room went black. The sound of footsteps grew louder.

  "We should hide," I whispered.

  "Where's there to hide?" Rick whispered back.

  "Granddaddy, get in the shower and pull the curtain."

  "No, siree, not a chance," he whispered furiously. "I've seen my share of horror pictures. Send the ol' man to get an ax in the forehead. I weren't born yesterday."

  "Against my better judgment," Rick grumbled, "I'll hide in the shower."

  "In the closet and no arguing," I said to Granddaddy.

  "Too bad Grover weren't here. It'd be jest the place fer him," he cackled.

  "Shhhh!" I hissed.

  I moved silently up across the bedroom and into the kitchen area. Flashlights flooded the room, and I froze like a deer in the headlights.

  There was banging on the cabin door above me.

  "Open up, please," said a stern voice. "Annapolis police."

  I ran to hide behind the couch, but a beam of light caught me. "We can see you hiding behind the couch. Open the door." The voice was sterner this time.

  There was tapping on the window above me, and a familiar face looked down in surprise.

  Officer John gave me a big smile and a wave. "Hey, Diana," he called through the glass. "Could you open up?"

  Well, it could've been worse. At least it was a fan who'd be taking me to jail. When off duty, Officer John Laney liked to wear Hawaiian shirts and listen to live music. And he always bought me a margarita whenever I played a Jimmy Buffet song. He was a good-looking guy who seemed to have a thing for me, so I'd always wondered why he never asked me out. And then I'd met his wife. Yikes!

  I walked up the staircase, opened the door, and stepped out onto the deck. Another officer shined a light in my face, but John quickly pushed it away.

  "This is my friend, the singer," John said proudly.

  "The one that started that big fight with your wife?" the other asked.

  "She's the one! Boy that was a night, wasn't it, Diana?"

  "Uh, yeah," I replied uncomfortably. "How's Sheila doing?"

  "Oh, she's fine. I tell you, that night did wonders for our marriage." He gave me a wink and laughed. "Nothin' like a jealous wife."

  "I'm glad that all worked out for you." Geez, what else could I say to that?

  He waved it away. "So we had an anonymous call—obviously a mistake—that there was an intruder on this boat. People that own boats like this are a bit suspicious by nature. Probably some hoity-toity a few boats down got his nose outta joint, but we have to investigate." He glanced around.

  "So what are you doing here?" his partner demanded of me.

  Officer John glared at him. "No need for that, Bob. I'm sure Diana's staying with a friend. You can see she's all dressed up for the Renaissance Fair."

  Bob shook his head in disgust. "Damn Fair! I'd rather have a bunch of spring-breakers than all these nuts running around. Don't even get me started about the damn pirates!"

  "Yeah, this is my friend Mark's boat," I replied,
cutting into Bob's pirate rant. "Well, actually it's his Uncle Ed's boat, but he's been staying on it while he's in town. You met Mark, remember?" I reminded John.

  John nodded. "Now was he the one there at the bar fight, or was he there when your neighbor thought she saw a vampire?" he asked.

  "Actually, both."

  John's face lit up. "Yep! Nice fella. Is he around?"

  "Uh, no. He's away until tomorrow. But I have the key," I said, shaking it in the air and hoping this would be the end of it.

  There was banging from below followed by a loud "Dagnabit!"

  "What was that?" Bob asked.

  "What was what?" I replied.

  John looked uncertain. "We'd better take a look around since the tenant's not on board. Just for the report," he added.

  I sighed. It had almost worked, I thought as I opened the door and led them down the staircase.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  It took them only a few seconds to confirm that everything was in order in the open living area and the galley kitchen. As they headed towards the bedroom, a knot formed in my throat. The suitcase was still lying open on the bed. The closet door was shut. A glance in the bathroom showed the shower curtain partially open. John reached for the closet door, and I cringed.

  The door creaked as it opened. But inside, there was no sign of Granddaddy. John turned and glanced at the suitcase. "So sorry to disturb you, Diana. I can see you're trying to get settled in." He indicated the open suitcase.

  His partner nosed around in the bathroom for a second, not going any farther in than the sink.

  "Okay, Bob, let's leave her in peace. Sorry about the intrusion, Diana," John said again.

  I made appropriate replies and hurried them up the staircase and out the door. I returned to the bedroom and looked around.

  A loud sneeze from the bathroom made me jump. I hurried in and tore back the curtain. Rick and Granddaddy were squeezed into the farthest corner.

  "Don' chop my head off!" Granddaddy cried.

  "Shhh! You'll bring them back."

  "I figured they'd check the closet, but hoped if we left the shower curtain open they wouldn't bother checking any closer," Rick explained.

  "Quick thinking!" I replied.

  "Yeah, but your Granddaddy tripped on the way in here."

  "I'm fine, I'm fine," he said, climbing out of the tub. "Did we throw them coppers off our trail?"

  "Yes."

  "Hallelujah! So what's next?" he asked, rubbing his hands together.

  "You're going home to bed," I said firmly. "Rick will take you. We need to hurry up and get out of here before she comes back." I pointed at the suitcase.

  Rick looked at me questioningly. "And what are you going to do?"

  "I'm going on a stake out."

  "Dressed like that?" he asked, pointing at my gown.

  He had a point. I wasn't actually incognito in this.

  My phone rang. It was Mark. "Oh, no," I whispered.

  "It's him, isn't it?" Rick asked.

  I nodded.

  "Well, answer it. He doesn't know you're here, right?" Rick grabbed Granddaddy's arm and walked him out to the living room.

  "Hi, Mark," I said cheerfully.

  "Were you just on the deck of the boat talking to two police officers?" he asked without preamble.

  "That's crazy!" I replied.

  "I know. That's why I'm pretty sure it's true. Here's the kicker: the neighbor two slips down claims he saw Cinderella talking to the two officers. You wouldn't be dressed as Cinderella by chance?"

  I gulped. "No, not Cinderella…"

  "What's going on, Diana?" he demanded.

  "Nothing. Granddaddy needed to use the bathroom after the show, so I brought him here." That was all true.

  "Sounds like a lot was left out of that statement," he said after a pause. "Look, my plane is delayed. I'm not going to make it until early tomorrow afternoon. We have a lot to talk about. Please, just stay out of trouble until I get there."

  It was on the tip of my tongue to holler, "Oh, you bet we've got some things to talk about!" but I had more investigating to do. I wanted to know exactly what I was dealing with before I confronted him about his female guest.

  A question popped into my head and out my mouth unfiltered. "Your sister isn't particularly big-chested is she?"

  "What are you talking about?" he ground out. "No! She's very slim. What is wrong with you, Diana?"

  "Nothing. Just wanting to know more about your family," I deflected.

  "You're weird," he said half-heartedly. "But I really miss you."

  I felt tears well up in my eyes. "I've got to go Mark." I hung up.

  I walked back into the living room, my resolution increasing with every step.

  * * *

  With Granddaddy and Uncle Grover safely tucked into bed for the night, Rick and I made our way back to Dock Street on foot, dodging late night revelers and coming up with a plan. I felt normal again, having changed into sneakers and jeans with my hair pulled back into a pony tail.

  "Your uncle is smitten," Rick said with a chuckle as we rounded the last block.

  "Yeah, a little too smitten," I muttered, vowing to go see Sybil as soon as possible for a counter-spell.

  "It's nice to see that love is just as exciting at eighty as it is at eighteen. Only probably not as active," he added.

  I grimaced. I didn't want to think about Uncle Grover and Mrs. Kester's activities.

  "Remind me why we're doing this again?" he asked.

  I glanced over at him. "I'm doing this to confirm my suspicions before accusing Mark of any wrong-doing. You're here just to annoy me."

  "Wrong," he countered. "I'm here to protect you."

  "From what?" I scoffed. "Weirdoes?"

  We both watched as two guys stumbled out of a bar and began skipping down the middle of the street holding hands like two school girls.

  Men skipping. Didn't see that everyday. Come to think of it, nobody skipped much anymore.

  "Honey, you are a weirdo," he laughed. "I'm here to protect you from yourself."

  I stuck my tongue out at him and marched on.

  When we reached the docks, Rick said, "I think we should make like we're a couple—hold hands and cuddle—so we look less obvious."

  "You wish," I shot back.

  "Got a better idea?"

  I thought about it. There wasn't really anywhere to hunker down for the stake-out on the docks. I suppose taking a moonlit stroll on the docks wouldn't look suspicious if we were holding hands like a couple.

  I grabbed his hand; he pulled me closer with a laugh.

  We approached the boat silently. I could see a light on through one of the windows. She was back.

  I pointed excitedly at the window. He nodded.

  I made a move to climb onto the boat to peer in, and he pulled me back. We continued on our walk down the dock.

  He finally said, "You're too clumsy to go climbing around that boat. I'll take a look around."

  "No! I need to see her," I argued. "I can't very well confront Mark if I don't see it for my own eyes."

  Rick sighed. "Okay, have it your way, but I really don't want to spend the night in jail."

  "We'll take our shoes off," I said suddenly. "Then we can walk across the boat and get on the ledge at the bow. The bedroom has windows we should be able to peek in without being seen."

  Rick reluctantly agreed to the plan, and within minutes we were proceeding silently across the boat to the narrow ledge that wrapped around the bow. I got there first and crouched down to peer through the window.

  The bathroom door was shut, but a light shown through the door. A Renaissance Fair gown of scarlet and black was draped across the bed. My stomach churned when I realized I'd seen that gown several times today. Maybe it was that common…

  The bathroom door opened suddenly, and a woman with thick, brilliant red hair emerged wearing a gossamer, cream nightie. Her white skin glowed in the dim light giving her an
ethereal quality. My heart ached as I watched her shove the dress off the bed and climb in. Just like she'd done it a hundred times before.

  Rick had gone still beside me. He tapped my arm and indicated we should head back the way we'd come.

  Once we were safely off the boat, he turned to me and said, "Something strange is going on, Diana."

  "I know," I said, stifling a sob, "Mark's girlfriend is beautiful and perfectly at home on the boat."

  "No," Rick said as we hurried down the dock, "that's the woman that stopped me in front of your house."

  I gasped. "You're right! I recognized the dress. She's been following me all day!"

  My phone rang shrilly in the night. It was Mark.

  "Oh, god!" I cried. "I can't talk to him right now."

  "Answer it," Rick ordered. "Rip the Band-Aid off."

  I stared at the phone as it buzzed for a third time.

  I answered the call. "Hello?"

  "Are you and Andre peaking in the windows of my boat? The neighbor is ready to call the police," Mark said with a weary sigh.

  "No," I snapped. "Rick and I were watching your psycho red-headed girlfriend through the windows of your boat!" I ended with a shout and then a sob as the tears started to flow.

  "What are you talking about?" he cried. "What is Rick doing there?"

  Rick motioned me to hand him the phone. I handed it to him.

  "Hey, Mark, looks like you've fucked this up pretty well. I'll be taking over now," Rick said.

  I could hear shouting from Mark. "Yeah, anytime is fine with me, buddy," Rick responded. "You've got some balls sicking Red on Diana. She's been following her around all day. Even talked to me at the house this morning."

  I cringed, holding back tears.

  "Yeah, I was there helpin' out with The Grands. Something you don't have time to do evidently. What's it to you?" he asked sarcastically. "Red looks like a hot number. You startin' a harem or something? Got a brunette tucked away somewhere, too?"