Come Undone

by Madelynne Ellis

  When she noticed Kara recording Xane and Ric on her phone, she realised Xane had jumped a hurdle. No trace of annoyance marred his expression. Suddenly, the band’s future seemed a whole lot brighter. If he could perform here, then surely hope remained for the group.

  ‘More,’ Kara demanded, clapping, when they finished.

  ‘I’m done,’ Ric replied. ‘Any more and I’ll have bloody fingertips.’ He lifted the strap from around his back. ‘I’m surprised I can still remember them, and I’ve never learned any of the newer stuff. You’ll have to ask Xane to oblige.’

  Kara sat up on her knees with her hands clasped together. ‘Please.’ She added a big cheesy grin.

  Xane initially shook his head, but Kara had one of those infectious smiles that made other people smile too, and inspired them to please her. ‘OK,’ he relented after hardly any arm-twisting. ‘But most of the current catalogue doesn’t work so well stripped of all the accompaniment.’ Black Halo blended orchestral movements with their thunderous guitars. ‘Don’t moan if it sounds crap.’

  Looking around at the various faces hungry for more of his voice, Dani didn’t think any of them believed that possible. He could have been singing nursery rhymes and they’d still have begged him for more. For her own part she couldn’t believe how willingly he’d agreed to sing.

  ‘Shall I start sitting with my fingers crossed for a reunion?’ she asked.

  ‘Only if you know how to wring apologies out of a bunch of knuckleheads.’ Xane settled the guitar across his lap.

  ‘Why didn’t I twig that you could actually play?’ she asked. He’d mentioned that he’d played guitar back in the group’s earliest incarnation, but she’d hadn’t interpreted that as meaning that he had any real ability. ‘And why don’t you play on stage?’

  ‘Because I sing better, and I’m too lazy to do both.’

  Xane strummed a few practice chords. He adjusted the tuning a little and tried again, then, satisfied, launched into another of her favourites. It warmed her immeasurably seeing his private show. She knew if she’d stumbled across a recording like this on the Internet, it would have entertained her for days. She loved any glimpse into his real life.

  By song three, Ric was tapping the beat with two sticks on a piece of driftwood, and Zach and Kara were providing atrocious backing vocals. When they completely mistimed the chorus they both burst out laughing and proceeded to roll around on the sand, helpless with giggles.

  Their laughter faded when Zach rolled on top of Kara and, forgetting they had company, the pair started making out.

  Dani’s jaw fell open in horror. She stared at them. She glanced at Ric, no longer sure she understood who was attached to whom.

  Ric’s hot gaze rested upon the two lovebirds.

  Did Kara know that he and Zach were lovers too?

  ‘Stop it,’ she said, but nobody seemed to hear her. Distraught, she stumbled to her feet. She couldn’t stand to sit here watching, knowing that some horrid deception was going on.

  Xane immediately stopped playing. ‘Dani, what’s up?’

  She shook her head, then realised they were all gaping at her. Still uncertain of her ground, she turned her back on the fire and squeezed both her lips and her eyes closed.

  Xane reached up and took her hand. ‘Is my playing not good?’ He added a chuckle, so she wouldn’t think he was hurt if that were true.

  ‘You sounded fabulous. You always do.’

  Xane set the guitar aside on the sand, then rose to stand beside her.

  Dani’s heart pounded wretchedly when she saw the lines of concern making crow’s feet around his eyes.

  ‘Let’s walk,’ he insisted.

  He reinstated the blanket around her shoulders and they set off along the shoreline. They followed the narrow band of dirty brown sand that sat between the shingle and the rock face. ‘What’s up?’ he said. ‘Something’s rattled you. You’ve been acting weird since we sat down around the fire. Are you regretting the decision to accompany me?’

  ‘No, of course not. It’s not that.’

  ‘Then what?’

  They passed the side of the restaurant and carried on to where the sand gave way to patches of grassland and the cliff-face was splattered with seagull droppings. The occasional bird could be heard cawing overhead.

  In the shadow of a ruined building they came across an old rowing boat chained to a mossy green post. Xane helped her into its seat.

  ‘Talk to me. Am I going too fast? Have I pissed you off somehow?’

  ‘No. It’s nothing to do with you.’

  ‘It’s not?’ He climbed into the boat so he sat facing her. ‘What then?’

  ‘Them.’ She jerked her head back towards the campfire.

  ‘Zach and Kara? Seriously? You’re freaked out by a bit of kissing? Have you forgotten what we’ve been doing lately?’ His frown lines gave way to a smile.

  ‘It’s not the show of affection that’s the problem, Xane. It’s the deception going on.’ She twisted the hem of her dress between her fingers.

  ‘Sorry. You’ve completely lost me. What deception?’

  ‘I walked in on Ric and Zach when Kara sent me for the matches. They were …’ She cleared her throat. ‘Ric was sucking Zach off, and now Zach’s all over Kara.’

  To her horror, Xane began to laugh. ‘Oh, God, is that it? I suppose I should have explained. You think Kara doesn’t know. She knows, Dani. Ric and Zach have been shagging one another for years. It’s no big secret.’

  ‘Then why is she fooling around with Zach?’

  ‘Because –’ he clasped her hands and opened them so that they rested in his larger ones ‘– they’re not exclusive. See, no need to be upset on anyone’s behalf. They all know the score and are happy with it.’

  Dani jerked her chin upright so that she was looking him in the eyes. ‘You mean the three of them are –’

  ‘– very happy together from what I’ve seen. I kind of envy them that. It’s all worked out for them.’

  ‘B-but …’ How did that even work? Wasn’t it just a recipe for disaster? Somewhere along the line someone would get jealous, or hurt. Besides, she wasn’t sure she believed in people being attracted to both sexes. Weren’t they simply trying to deny their true natures by clinging to the trappings of normalcy?

  She didn’t like the picture that formed in her head of the three of them entwined. It left her feeling uncomfortable, something Xane’s remarkable ease with the situation only amplified. ‘You don’t think it’s weird?’

  Xane lifted his broad shoulders. ‘Not particularly. Whatever works.’

  ‘You don’t think they’re fooling themselves about what they actually want?’

  His easy expression immediately soured, drawing his beautiful lips into a downturned pout. ‘Don’t tell me you’re one of the idiots who think bisexuality is a myth?’

  ‘Well, isn’t it?’

  Xane shot to his feet, releasing his hold on her hands. ‘No, it’s bloody well not,’ he snapped. ‘I can’t believe … I thought you were more open-minded, and had more common sense than to think such crap.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she mumbled, covering her mouth with her hand as she hastily backtracked. ‘I don’t really know. It’s not something I’ve really been allowed to think about.’ St Agatha’s only did black and white. There’d never been any scope for shades of grey, either during her time there or in the days immediately following her dad’s departure. No one had ever suggested he loved her mum and loved someone else too: he’d been the great pretender, a faker, a deceiver. He’d hoodwinked them all and ruined everything by being selfish. Accepting the possibility of a middle way changed a lot of things. For Dani it was too many things to process all at once, especially now that she’d inadvertently made Xane angry too.

  He climbed out of the rowing boat and began pacing. She watched his feet churn up the sand as he sought an outlet for his agitation. Forcing herself to ask him why, when her stomach already occupied her toes,
proved horribly difficult. Dani made several false starts, but she had to know, had to get things straight, and, as she saw it, there could be only one reason why he was so outraged by her opinion. Given her previous suspicions that he had experience with other men, her insides should not have turned to mush at the thought.

  ‘Have you?’ she asked tremulously. ‘I mean, are you bisexual?’ She tensed, her fingers curled tight, in preparation for his answer.

  Xane folded his arms and faced her, his expression sullen. ‘Is that a problem?’

  He hadn’t actually said if he was or not, but then it wasn’t necessary to make it explicit. They both knew the truth.

  ‘I’m not sure,’ Dani replied, opting for honesty over diplomacy. As much as she loved him, this changed things. It tapped into all the worst aspects of her childhood. She needed to think about this and what it actually meant for them. It’d freaked her enough earlier, listening to Zach toss idle compliments in Xane’s direction. She honestly didn’t know if she could handle the reverse – witnessing Xane checking out another man or, worse, discovering him with one.

  Chapter 36

  Xane didn’t like the way Dani gaped at him. Not one bit. She didn’t need to say anything, because her stiff limbs and fractured smile projected her feelings perfectly well. He horrified, perhaps even revolted her. Though why it mattered that he had no gender preference about his partners, he didn’t know. It wasn’t as if it changed anything between him and her. He hadn’t claimed not to want her any more. He did. It constantly surprised him exactly how much. And it wasn’t as if he was about to run off with some guy, any more than he was about to hook up with another girl. Being bisexual didn’t automatically make him a cheat.

  ‘Talk to me,’ he demanded, ceasing his pacing. He returned to the boat and perched on the edge nearest to where she sat. ‘Tell me what you’re thinking. Why does the fact I like guys as well matter so much?’

  ‘I don’t know. It just does,’ she snarled, refusing to clue him into the problem. Her reaction struck him as too visceral to be based on nothing but surprise. It was as if he’d made a personal attack on her. ‘I haven’t a clue what I’m thinking, Xane. I thought I knew you, but maybe I don’t know anything about you at all.’ She raised her hands, her fingers spread wide for emphasis. ‘You fuck men. Oh, my God. I can’t believe … Why is this happening? I can’t believe my mum was right.’

  ‘I’m attracted to men,’ he corrected her, ‘just like I’m attracted to women. So what?’ He wasn’t sure she heard him. Abruptly Dani raised her head. ‘How many male lovers have you had? As many as you’ve had women?’ She shook as she asked him.

  Xane’s heart hammered inside his chest. Dani’s reaction ratcheted up his own tension, so that knots formed across his shoulders, which made the back of his neck ache. ‘What difference does it make?’

  She pinned him with her gaze. ‘It matters. It really bloody matters, OK?’

  He nodded, but he still didn’t understand.

  ‘A few,’ he admitted, when he realised she was still waiting for an answer. ‘Probably fewer than five, and none of them serious, except the last one.’

  ‘Yes, the last one.’ A note of hysteria crept into her voice. ‘Shall we talk about the last one? It was Steve Matlock, wasn’t it? Or am I wrong?’ She reached out and grasped his hand. Squeezed him so tight it made his fingers throb. ‘Tell me I’m wrong, Xane. Tell me that you didn’t have a nice little three-way going with him and Elspeth, and that all this mess isn’t because you acted so stupidly.’

  ‘You’re not wrong,’ he replied. ‘Not about Steve, or the fact that we all made out with one another. You’re probably not wrong about it being stupid either, but I swear it didn’t seem so at the time.’

  She clasped her fist tight to her mouth and squeezed her eyes tight shut. ‘You let me think it was all about Elspeth. That you were in love with her and she’d broken up with you in the most hideous fashion, but it wasn’t about her. It was about Steve. You were cross because she stole him right from under your nose.’

  ‘Yes,’ he said quietly, seeing no point in denying it. He’d never deliberately hidden that fact; he just hadn’t wanted to talk about it. Still didn’t really want to, even now. ‘You make it sound simple, Dani, and it wasn’t. You’re implying that I had him to start with, so that Elspeth could steal him away. I never did. Elspeth and I were supposed to be a couple, but the only passion we shared was for sex. It ought to have fizzled out between us within weeks. Besides sex and the band, we don’t have anything in common.’

  He paused, waiting for her to ask what had happened, how it was that the relationship had managed to drag on for over eighteen months instead of reaching its natural conclusion, but she didn’t; she just looked at him like he’d stabbed her in the heart. Xane continued anyway. Since they were here now, he might as well let it all out. That way, she couldn’t later accuse him of hiding anything.

  ‘Elspeth knew I’d been with guys in the past. We’d lived in each other’s pockets over several tours, so she’d been aware of who I’d hooked up with. She suggested that we invite Steve to join us one night, because she wanted to watch me with him. She said she picked Steve because we could both trust him. I didn’t realise she actually fancied him until much later. Hell, I didn’t realise how much I fancied him until I was in over my head.’ He rubbed his hands across his face, working his index fingers into the corners of his eyes. ‘Steve and I have been close for aeons, but being together like that made sense of a lot of stuff. Things just seemed to click into place. The problem was, he didn’t feel the same way. Oh, he enjoyed what we were doing, but … really, he only did it to please Elspeth. So we ended up doing this crazy, crazy dance between the three of us.’

  ‘And yet you think that what Ric is doing with Zach and Kara is OK.’

  ‘Their relationship isn’t remotely the same. They’re all equally into each other.’

  She shook her head, and then stood abruptly, causing the boat to rock and dump him off his perch. ‘I’m sorry. I can’t deal with this. I just can’t.’ She climbed back onto the sand and began to stumble towards the shore. Xane followed at a distance.

  ‘Why?’ he asked. What did she mean, she couldn’t deal with it? That she couldn’t get her head around him loving Steve, or that he didn’t fit her stereotyped view of him? He’d really believed he’d found in Dani the one person prepared to accept him as himself, but this was shaking that belief into ruins. It didn’t help that he simply didn’t understand why the fact that he loved Steve, not Elspeth, made a difference. ‘Why does it bother you? What difference does it make which of them I loved, since it’s over anyway?’

  She turned sharply and pierced his heart with her frank glance. ‘I don’t know. It just does … it just does, Xane.’

  ‘Dani.’ He clasped the top of her arm and tried to draw her closer.

  ‘Do you still love him?’ she asked.

  ‘He’s married. There’s no sense in carrying a torch for something I can’t have.’

  ‘Love doesn’t make sense. Do you love him?’

  ‘I love you.’ Xane slid his hand around the back of her neck and into her hair. ‘I know it’s too early to be saying it, but it’s the truth. I don’t want Steve. I want you.’ He leaned forward, meaning to claim her, to soothe her fears with a kiss, but Dani pushed him away.

  ‘Don’t … don’t muddle things up with sex. I need to think. I need to get it all straight in my head. Leave me a minute, will you? Just don’t touch me.’

  ‘Dani,’ he pleaded, still stretched out towards her.

  ‘Please.’ She hunched down amongst the shingle in a foetal position, her head hugged tight to her chest and her arms wrapped protectively around her head. Xane stood back and gave her the space she’d asked for, even though he was desperate to comfort her. She muttered to herself, something about her dad, he thought, but he couldn’t make out exactly what. When she eventually did uncoil, he made himself stand still and let her come t
o him.

  Dani faced him with her arms wrapped tightly around her body. A combination of misery and the night breeze rushing in off the sea caused her bottom lip to tremble. Xane longed to seal it between his lips and chase away her chills with the kind of heat they’d been generating between them over the last two days, but, having been chastised once already for seeking to smooth things over with kisses, he deliberately held back.

  ‘Xane, I’m sorry,’ she whispered. ‘You must think me a complete drama queen. I’m behaving ludicrously, and I know it, but …’ She tightened her hold upon herself a fraction. ‘I just can’t believe … I’m awful, aren’t I? You’re everything I want, but I just don’t know if I can do this. I can’t end up like her, Xane. I can’t.’

  ‘End up like whom – your mum? You’re not going to, Dani. Why would you even think that? And I don’t think you’re awful. I know you’re wonderful.’ OK, enough with holding back. He stretched out and placed his hand over hers where it lay against her shoulder. Gently, he coaxed her to release her hold, slipped into the space created, and enfolded her in his arms. To his utmost relief, she didn’t push him away.

  ‘I’m sorry, I’ve shocked you. Maybe I should have said something earlier. I didn’t really want to talk about it. I just wanted to escape, and I wasn’t expecting things to get this serious between us.’

  ‘Are we serious?’

  He kissed the top of her head, then her brow and the tip of her nose.