by Jamie Lake
“I ... I’ve been doing some thinking. I think I lost my temper before,” Tony said, almost seeming sheepish. He gave Peter a rueful, crooked smile.
You think? Peter wanted to say. He could still feel the sting from Tony’s slap across his face.
“I had no right to hit you, and no right to say the things I did. I didn’t mean any of them. It’s just that … I’ve never felt this way about anybody before, and I go crazy thinking someone else might be trying to steal you from me. I know… I know that I have no right to keep you here. You’re a grown man. You have the right to come and go as you please, and if teaching is your passion, I want to support that in any way that I can.”
“Yeah?” Peter said, not really wanting to look at Tony. It was hard to believe him. Peter didn't want to. He felt like he'd been duped before by Tony, and he didn't want to give him another chance to do it to him all over again.
“Look at me, Petey. Please.” Tony said, sincerely. His voice was soft and genuine. It took Peter by surprise, but not for long. He steeled himself, promising himself not to feel sorry for Tony. Tony was a monster.
Peter tried to hide the burning hatred in his eyes as he turned his head to look in Tony’s softening genuine eyes.
“I know that your class has been underfunded, and we’re going to do something about that, starting tomorrow,” Tony said.
“What do you mean?” Peter said, starting to relax a little. Again, Tony caught him off guard, and it began to eat away at his fiery anger. Peter tried to hold onto it, but it was like trying to hold onto sand.
“I mean, new paint, new toys, new chairs. That place is a dump. I wouldn’t send my dog there,” Tony said.
“Nice,” Peter said, offended, although he knew it was true. The budget cuts had really taken a toll over the last few years. Everything was falling apart, even with the contribution Peter made out of his own pocket: something he really couldn't afford to do in the first place.
“What I mean is, if this is your passion, if you want to teach those kids and give them the best, then you deserve the best, they deserve the best. New everything: tablets for each of the kids, school supplies, backpacks, a teacher’s aide: how would you like that?” Tony seemed excited, like a school boy himself. His smile was bright and almost sweet. But he was afraid and unsure. This had to be a trick.
A teacher’s aide? Peter thought. God, that was only in his dreams. He was completely overwhelmed. He couldn’t even imagine that. He could really do the kids justice if he had a little help in the classroom. And new supplies that didn't come out of his pocket? It was like a genie was granting all of his wishes at once.
"You ... you would do that?” Peter asked, making sure he heard it correctly. He swiped water out of his eyes and then narrowed them at Tony, still suspicious.
“Of course,” Tony answered, pulling him closer into an embrace. “Whatever will make you happy. Your passion is my passion.” He pressed a kiss to Peter's shoulder, longing and tender. Peter didn't know what to think, as it just broke his heart even more. He was so confused.
Peter felt compelled to put his arms around Tony too. It was a slow, hesitant embrace, but then he relaxed, snuggling close to Tony.
“Thanks,” Peter said, trying to hold back his gratitude and emotion. He wanted Tony to suffer still, but this made it difficult. Sure, he knew that Tony was trying to buy his affection. He could see right through it, but there was no doubt that the gesture was needed and well, he appreciated it.
“I’ll do anything for you, Petey, anything. I only ask for your loyalty. Okay? That’s all I ask for.”
You'll never have my heart, Peter thought spitefully. He would play along for now, anything to keep Chip and Johnny safe.
***
True to his word, Tony had the supplies and laptops delivered to Peter’s kindergarten classroom the very next morning. He sent a few contractors in, and they said they’d work on the classroom starting immediately after class every day until the changes were made. They committed to cleaning up afterward too, so he’d have no problem teaching the next morning. It was almost too much to believe. Peter shook his head, bewildered at all the shiny new things in his classroom. He couldn't keep the smile from his face. The kids would be so excited.
Had it not been for Chip’s surprise visit and Johnny’s aloofness, that morning it would have been a perfect morning.
“So...?” Chip said, stepping closer to Peter, who faked that he was busy picking up after the kids. Anything to avoid being too close to Chip. Being near him was so difficult, especially now that he knew they were in danger. Now that he knew what he had to do.
“So, what?” Peter asked, putting the blocks inside the new plastic bins, trying to remain aloof.
“Where were you last night?” Chip asked, putting his hands on his hips. “I thought we talked about you sleeping at my place. I went by your apartment and ...”
Peter cut him off sharply. “Well, I was … busy,” Peter said, not able to look at him. “I really can’t talk about this right now, Chip. As you can see, I’m kind of busy.” He kept his tone icy, and every word stabbed at his heart as it came out of his mouth. If only, he thought, there was another way, but he knew there wasn't.
Chip's expression crumbled into both anger and hurt. He looked so devastated. Peter had to look away. “No, Peter. You don’t get to do this. You don’t get to just not show up last night, not answer any of my calls or text messages, and act like nothing happened. I couldn’t sleep the whole night. I was tossing and turning, worried sick about you. Sick about you. With what happened to Anton, I only thought that maybe ...”
“Well, I’m fine,” Peter said, cutting him off again, “As you can see. I’m alive, I’m well. Everything’s normal.”
This time, Chip interrupted him, his voice and gestures angry. “No, nothing is normal. Nothing is ever normal with you. Don’t you get it, Peter? I’m in love with you. I am in love with you,” he said, looking him directly in the eyes, deeply and intensely. Peter wasn't expecting to hear that.
And suddenly, all of Peter’s facade of disinterest melted away. It was just him and Chip in the classroom. He’d never had anyone say that to him, in all of his past relationships, short- and long-term, not even during the whirlwind love affairs, never. He knew Chip meant it and what was worse, he knew he felt the same way too. How he wanted to tell Chip the same thing; that he he’d never met a man like him before. A man who he wanted to spend every waking moment with him; that he wanted to be part of his family; to have more kids with him; to live his life with him forever, but … he couldn’t, not anymore. It was just a dream, he told himself. And he wasn't good enough to have it, never mind that trying would just endanger the only man he'd ever loved.
“So don’t just cut me out of your life like that,” Chip continued. “I told you before, I’m here for you no matter what’s going on in your life. I want you to be my husband one day Peter, and it just seems like you’re doing whatever you can to push me away to make that not happen, and I don’t know why. That man, that … Tony can’t do a thing...”
Suddenly Tony’s threats came rushing back to Peter’s head, and he snapped out of his moment. He pushed past Chip as he put the container away. He had to put the facade back in place. He had to do this, even if it tore him up inside.
“Well, I’m sorry, I can’t say I share your feelings, Chip. What we have... What we had was nice while it lasted. It was sweet, it was intense, but it’s just not realistic that we could ever end up together, ever.” He felt sick and dizzy, and his chest ached. It was so difficult to say those words, and to lie to Chip like that. Even worse, Peter knew he was hurting him. The only way he could justify it was to tell himself it was for his own good, and for his son too.
Chip just stared at him without saying a word. Peter wanted to keep moving, but he couldn’t: he was frozen. He wanted to run from all this. From Tony, from Chip.
“What?” Peter said, coldly. “Isn't there some place you have
to go?” He kept his expression still and blank. He couldn't betray how he was really feeling.
“That’s not you talking. It’s him, it’s Tony.” Chip's hands curled into fists. He shook his head. Clearly, he wasn't believing it yet.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Peter snapped, wanting to change the subject, wanting Chip to just believe the lie so he could be safe and so Peter wouldn't have to worry about him.
“Don’t let him change you. You can still get out of this, this lifestyle of yours. I can protect you,” Chip promised. He looked so earnest, so sincere. Peter knew that he believed it, that he could protect him, but he couldn't. Tony had Anton killed. He'd hurt Chip and Johnny too.
“Chip, don’t you get it,” Peter said, his next words so difficult to say, they almost got stuck in the knot in his throat. “It’s over. That’s it. Now, goodbye.” He said it, final and firm. It was supposed to be the last nail in the coffin and in the relationship.
Chip turned his head and bit the inside of his cheek. He sighed, didn’t say a word more, and walked out, not looking back even once. He was too much of a man to cry in front of Peter, but he knew that it must have felt like a stab to the heart because that’s how it felt to him. It just hurt so badly, a real and physical ache that just hurt more the further Chip walked away from him.
Peter couldn’t bear watching him leave. It hurt too much. He was gone, likely forever, and his heart finally broke. The dream was over. It was time to face reality.
CHAPTER 3
The next few days felt empty to Peter. They should have been marvelous and filled with excitement. Tony showered him with gifts: the best tailored suits, gorgeous watches, bracelets and necklaces, the finest meals he’d ever tasted, and Tony was sweet, he was kind. His tough guy persona had melted away, giving way to kinder side of Tony that Peter hadn’t been introduced to before. Tony took a few more days off, telling Peter he hadn’t taken a real vacation in years, and that he had plans to sweep him off in a private jet to some private island Peter had never heard of. It all sounded dreamy: it all sounded perfect, except that it wasn’t. It was empty, it was lonely: his Chip was gone from his life.
“Whatcha thinkin' about?” Tony asked him, as he leaned back in his seat.
The private jet was as lavish as everything else in Tony's life. The interior was done in rich cream and red, and the seats were black leather. The lights in the cabin were soft and low, almost romantic, if Peter had been in the mood. It was quiet too, with the engines simply a soft buzz in the background. There was a liquor cart from which they could help themselves to just about anything they wanted, and a humidor with fine cigars. Since Tony owned the jet, he could smoke it in if he wanted. Tony broke all the rules, just because he could.
The cabin was roomy too, and could have comfortably fit at least six more people. There were low couches on either side of the private jet for relaxing when they cruised at altitude. The speakers pumped out soft, romantic music, and at the front of the cabin was a big, wide-screen television playing a movie that Peter hadn't seen before. Some action-packed blockbuster.
“Oh, nothing,” Peter lied, finally answering Tony as he went to fetch a magazine to flip through, hoping that would change the subject. He didn't want to share his thoughts. Every single one of them revolved around Chip.
Tony just stared at him for awhile, sitting in the seat next to him as if studying him. He rolled up his own magazine and slapped him playfully on the knee, grinning. “Come on, you can tell me.” For a moment, Peter wanted to tell him, someone, anyone, how he was feeling, what he was thinking. He'd kept it all bottled inside, and it tore him up and made him sad and depressed. He couldn't, though. Tony would rage at him. Hurt Chip. He couldn't say a word about how he really felt, so instead, he lied.
Peter shrugged, “Nothing. I mean, just about life. How it’s changed. I mean, I’m a teacher who gets to fly in private jets. It’s just bizarre.” He forced a tight smile, pretending to be happy about it all.
“You’re blessed. That’s what you are.” Tony smiled, as though he still weren’t satisfied with the answer. “But then, so am I … to have you in my life.” Again, Tony sounded as though he meant every word, but there was still this coldness, this sharpness in his gaze. It unnerved Peter.
And the whole thing would have been so sweet if Peter’s heart wasn’t somewhere else, and if he wasn’t still thinking about the fact that Tony had his roommate killed to keep his mouth shut. How arrogant Tony was that he expected Peter to change his mind and heart after the monstrous thing that Tony had done. After he'd hit him. Killed his roommate and threatened the man that he loved and his little boy. It made Peter sick.
“I was going to wait until we got to the island, but ….” Tony shuffled through his jacket, fishing for something. Peter had no idea what it was, but his heart started beating rapidly just the same. That’s when Tony pulled out the box - the engagement ring box. It was unmistakable.
“Tony ….” Peter said, his words utterly failing him. He couldn't conceal his shock and amazement. He couldn't have predicted this.
Tony cracked it open, and the gem of a ring took Peter’s breath away as Tony moved out of his seat and got down on one knee. The black box cracked open and there, resting on a bed of red velvet, was a platinum ring set with a ring of chipped, sparkling diamonds. He'd never even dreamed of getting a ring like this. Never in his wildest, most private fantasies. In fact, he'd never even thought of a ring before, never knew it was something he wanted. But now, looking at it, a little thrill went through him and further stole his breath.
“I know we haven’t known each other that long, but … I’ve been searching my whole life for someone like you and what can I say? When you know, you just know.” He was still on his knee, still offering the beautiful ring. Tony looked like he meant every word, and his feelings were in his earnest gaze. Despite all the bad things that he'd done, Peter felt so torn now.
His heart was beating faster than a little bitty bird. The gesture was romantic, that was for sure. He’d never had anyone propose to him before. The all-encompassing weeks of unbelievable decadence, wealth, and luxury were overwhelming, but this: this took the cake. He'd been sure that Tony was only trying to arrogantly buy his affection before this. The school supplies, remodeling his classroom, buying expensive gifts. All of that seemed so fake. It seemed like Tony thought that with enough money spent, Peter's heart would be his. But this was different. It wasn't just an empty gesture. It was forever. Marriage. It was a ring.
But how could he say 'yes'? How could he, when he was in so love with someone else? How could he, when this man was responsible for killing his best friend, even if it was to bury his secret? All of this: it just wasn’t enough to capture his heart. Peter thought that maybe leaving Chip had broken his heart so badly that he didn't even have one to give to anyone else.
“I don’t know what to say,” Peter finally answered, quietly. He couldn't look at Tony on his knees, offering his heart in a velvet box.
“Say, ‘yes’,” Tony smiled, sheepishly. “Here, try it on. Then you can tell me.”
He pulled the ring out of the box and was about to slip it on Peter’s finger when he said, “No.”
“No?” Tony said in shock, his mouth falling open.
“Not yet, I … there’s so much to think about,” Peter tried to hide his feelings behind his smile. The smile stretched stiffly across his face. It hurt to smile like that. It hurt to lie. The answer, he knew, would never be yes. His broken heart belonged to Chip and would forever.
“What’s there to think about? I can change your life. I have changed your life. You wouldn’t have to work or nothing. No more massages, no nothing. I can take care of you, Peter. I want to take care of you. I want you to take care of me,” Tony said, still holding up the ring. For a single moment, Peter felt guilty for saying no. Tony looked so hurt, surprised too. Maybe he was surprised that someone had actually told him no for once. Peter wondered
if he'd come to regret it. He was almost certain he would.
Peter let out a long breath. “I care for you, Tony. I do, I just need ...”
Tony almost closed the ring box on Peter’s finger. “No, it’s fine.” His tone was cold and stiff. Impersonal.
He flashed Peter a wicked smile, slapping him softly on his hand, “I know it’s a big decision.” Anything genuine Tony felt now seemed to be hidden by that cruel, forced smile. He seemed far away, and if he was angry or anything like that, it was impossible to tell. He was hiding his feelings.
“Are you sure?” Peter asked, brow pinching.
“Of course. I wouldn’t want you to rush into anything that you’re not ready for. There are so many things to think about.” Tony shoved the ring back into his pocket and Peter had to admit to himself that he was glad he put it away. He didn't want to see it again.
“Thanks,” Peter said, sighing with relief and flashing him a nervous smile.
“Hey, I’m … I need to use the john. Mind if I scooch by?” Tony asked politely, getting to his feet.
“Of course,” Peter said, making room for him to squeeze by.
***
“I’ll be back in a few,” Tony said, making his way up the aisle to the front, where he closed and locked the door and sat on the toilet seat. His face faded into a dark, angry frown. He flipped his phone out and scrolled through his phone number directory. His brow fell low into a deep scowl as he went through the numbers.
“Hello,” a voice said on the other end. Tony sneered at the sound of the voice.
“Now, you listen to me, Chip,” Tony started, his tone full of rage and vitriol. “‘Cause I’m only going to say this once.”
“Wait a minute, who is this?” Chip asked.
Tony took in a deep breath. He knew Chip was the reason that Peter said no to his proposal. He knew it was because he still had feelings for him. Maybe he was still talking to him. He better not be, he thought. He couldn't stand it when people weren't loyal. He didn't put himself out there often. He didn't open himself up like this, make himself vulnerable. It took a lot for him to propose to Peter, and he wouldn't take no for an answer!
