Six Reasons

by Randileigh Kennedy

  “I’m fine, really,” I answered, knowing it was a lie. I actually felt like completely breaking down. “I have to get ready for work.”

  “You’re still going in today?” Steve asked.

  “I don’t have a choice. I have a huge presentation today, and my boss sucks. I can assure you there’s no bereavement time for the loss of a pet in the company handbook. Plus I’m missing a work event this weekend for the marathon, so he’s already mad at me for that,” I explained, completely flustered. “And I’ll probably be late this morning because I have to wait for the vet to get here, so, you know…” My voice cut out as I was waiving my arms all around. Finally I just shrugged and a slow tear slid down my face. “I’m sorry, I’m losing it.”

  “No you’re not, you can handle all of this,” he said sincerely. “But I feel like you are moving up the scale of needing to talk about all of this.”

  I gave him a slight smirk and wiped the tear off my face. “I don’t need to talk about it. I’m fine.”

  “That sounds like the Megan McGowen I’m used to,” he said with a smile. “Look, why don’t you finish getting ready and you can go to work. That way you’ll have some time before your presentation to get it altogether and I’ll stay here for the vet,” he offered. “Maybe we can just meet up later.”

  “Thank you,” I said genuinely. I needed out of my apartment. I knew I couldn’t handle watching someone take Lucy out of there.

  I finished getting ready, thanked Steve again, and headed to work. As I suspected, my boss was not supportive of my situation at all. I made it through my presentation, then called Mallory and Addie to meet up for lunch. We met up at a place right next door to my work. It was a quaint little café we went to fairly often.

  “So what’s going on?” Mallory asked as we were seated. “You seem a little flustered today.”

  “My life is falling apart. I finally love something and it dies,” I began, explaining my night with Lucy. “And then work kind of sucks right now, and then all of this stuff with Steve…”

  “What stuff with Steve?” Mallory asked, choking on her water. “What happened?”

  I told her and Addie about our kiss on the boat dock and about how he stayed the entire night on my couch because I didn’t want him to watch me cry. “It’s just… everything is changing between us. And I’m not sure I want that to happen.”

  “I will never understand what happens with you two,” Mallory replied, shaking her head at me. “What’s really changed? He’s always been that guy. The same guy.”

  “I know, and that’s what terrifies me,” I said honestly.

  “That doesn’t make any sense,” Mallory shot back, sounding really frustrated. “How can that be terrifying?”

  “Because, Mal, think of our lives, like, in a flashback. A series of stories. High school, college. Every good story I have… he’s in it. Every one.”

  “I still don’t understand how that’s a bad thing,” Mallory said, throwing up her arms.

  “Because why would I want to change that?” I responded, also throwing my hands up in the air. “If he’s part of every good story I have, part of all my best memories… I mean, even the bad nights include him being the good part of the story. How could I ever risk losing that? Why would I ever want that to change?”

  Addie stared back at me, completely quiet as I spoke as if she was deep in thought.

  “Let’s go back to your theory on love,” Addie began, gesturing towards me across the table.

  “Her theory on love doesn’t make any sense, Addie,” Mallory chimed in. “She just uses it as a crutch to keep her from ever getting close to anyone. I’m sorry Meg, but it’s true. I know I’m no expert on love either, but at the bare minimum you have to understand that you need to at least give it a shot before you can ever decide real love doesn’t exist for you. Otherwise your theory’s flawed anyway, because you’re not allowing any proof against it.”

  “You know how many times I’ve seen you completely heartbroken, Mal?” I asked softly. “A lot. That broke me too, watching what you went through after your engagement with Pierce. I cried with you that night, Mal. My theory may be flawed, or inaccurate, or just stupid. But if it’s the only thing keeping me from that kind of misery and heartbreak… if it keeps me from altogether losing the one guy in my life who is truly my best friend… then I’m sticking with it.”

  “That’s a cop-out, Meg, come on,” Mallory said sincerely. “Ask every person who has finally found the real thing. Addie, and Griffin. Greyson and me. We would all tell you that we would go through all the bad ones again to find the one good one.”

  “I agree with Mal on that one, Meg. I haven’t exactly had the easiest life. And I hated that. But now with Griffin, everything is so different. And if all of the bad stuff is what got me there, then I would absolutely endure it all again,” Addie agreed.

  “Look Meg, if all you need is a ‘reason’ to be with Steve, then ask him for one,” Mallory said directly.

  “I did,” I said with a shrug.

  “What?” Addie responded. “When? What did he say?”

  “Why do you never tell me these things?” Mallory said, throwing up her hands again.

  “Because I was too embarrassed,” I explained. “It was that night back in college. The night that gets brought up way too often if you ask me,” I said, rolling my eyes. “I don’t know if it was the alcohol, or the atmosphere, but that night he kissed me - I felt something. And it surprised me. I knew what I wanted, but we were friends for so long that I was scared to change that. We were up that night, laying in his bed, talking. It was mostly nonsense, you know, funny old stories, stuff like that. The whole time I thought I was going to just blurt out my thoughts; every reason in my head why we were meant to be together. And we were lying there in the dark, and…” I hesitated.

  “And what?” Mallory asked eagerly.

  “And, well, I flat out asked him for a reason. I wanted to know why we should risk our friendship to be something more. That guy could have any girl he wanted on this planet. So why me? I wanted to know why I was the girl that would get to love him.”

  “And?” Addie and Mallory said in unison.

  “He didn’t answer. He said nothing.”

  “So maybe he didn’t hear you. Or maybe he had fallen asleep already,” Addie said speculatively.

  “Trust me, I wish that was it. But he was facing a window, and I was lying right behind him, propped up a little higher on a pillow. I saw his eyes in the reflection of the window,” I explained, shrugging my shoulders. “I can still see his eyes when I think about it. I think he just panicked. I don’t know.”

  “So that was it? It just never came up again?” Addie asked.

  “The next morning I was so mortified about it. So I just got up and kind of brushed the whole thing off. I panicked. I guess I just figured that if he was unsure about us, it would never work anyway. And that was that.”

  Mallory and Addie blankly stared back at me.

  “Say something,” I urged.

  The waitress set our lunch down on the table, and no one spoke. The restaurant wasn’t very loud as it was, so the silence at my table seemed to echo around in my head.

  “Look, I can’t go back a few years and change anything that happened. I know that,” I explained. “But I also know that I can’t keep things going the way they are.”

  “Why don’t you just tell him how you feel?” Addie asked innocently.

  “It’s not that easy for me. Those words don’t just fall out of my mouth. I tried to tell him the night of Mason’s party, and that whole entire night was a complete disaster,” I replied, not wanting to relive it. “I think I just need to step back from the whole thing. I’m so scared I’m going to hurt him. And I know he doesn’t deserve that. So maybe we just need a little space.”

  “Look, we’re here for you Meg. Either way. I get what you’re saying, and you’re right. Maybe you just need a little clarity. A little time to figure
out exactly what you want,” Mallory explained. “You need to be completely sure about this.”

  “That’s what scares me,” I muttered.

  We finished our lunch and parted ways. I was so thankful to have such wonderful girlfriends to talk to. I wasn’t sure I had any better of an idea about what to do, but I felt better nonetheless.

  I had to work later than usual and I didn’t make it back to my apartment until seven-thirty. As I opened my apartment door, a sad feeling came over me knowing I wouldn’t be greeted by Lucy. Seconds later though, a warm smile spread across my face when I caught a glimpse of something sitting on my hallway table. I recognized the bottle of scotch as the one we drank that night of the bon fire during prom. The one Griffin had stolen from his dad. There was a small note card taped to it.

  Whenever you’re ready to talk about it.

  I smiled and sat down, still holding the note. Just then, there was a firm knock on my door. I felt a bit giddy as I sauntered over to answer it. I flung the door open, assuming it would be Steve.

  Oh how wrong I was.

  CHAPTER 26

  “Ben, hi. What are you doing here?” I asked, trying to hide my confusion. His brown hair was perfectly in place and his jaw line made the smile on his face look even more striking. He was wearing jeans and a light fitted sweatshirt, both of which hung flawlessly on his muscular frame. Every time I saw him he looked even more handsome than the time before.

  “I’m sorry, is this a bad time?” he asked politely. “I probably should’ve called first, but I was in the area. And I was nervous you wouldn’t answer, I don’t know.” He seemed anxious as he spoke.

  “No, it’s not a bad time. I’m just surprised to see you,” I said honestly. I cursed myself for not being able to take my eyes off of him.

  “You drink scotch?” he asked, pointing to the bottle on the table.

  “No. I mean, I might start,” I replied nervously, unable to think clearly. “Do you want to come in?”

  “No, I can’t stay long. I’m leaving tomorrow afternoon, and I just thought maybe you’d like to catch one more sunrise with me tomorrow morning?” He had a shy grin as he said it, and I felt sucked in by his handsome face. “I just thought I owed you a better goodbye than my awkward departure the last time I was here.” He smiled at me, and it seemed so genuine.

  “That sounds nice, actually,” I replied. “I’d like that.”

  “So I’ll pick you up around six? Where’s Lucy? I think she deserves a proper goodbye from me too,” he stated, looking around my apartment. “I know I failed her.”

  “Oh no, she…” I began, not sure how to say what needed to be said. “Last night, she…” I was still unable to get the words out.

  “Oh, Meg. Really? Why didn’t you call me?” he asked, pulling me in for a hug. His strong arms wrapped around me. My eyes began to well up again and I knew I didn’t want to talk about it.

  “I thought you may have left town already,” I lied. With Steve around, I honestly didn’t even think about calling to tell Ben what had happened.

  “I’m so sorry, Meg. You could’ve called. I’m so sorry,” he repeated, stroking my hair. We stood there like that for a minute or two, and it felt warm and comforting. I missed his arms around me.

  “Look, I’m on my way out to meet up with Greyson and a few other buddies for one last night out together. Do you feel like getting out?” he asked sympathetically. “You could join us.”

  “No, but thanks for the offer. It’s been a draining day. I think I just need some wine and a hot bath.”

  “Well, we’re still on for tomorrow at least? Six a.m.?” Ben asked, releasing me from his embrace.

  “Sounds great,” I replied.

  He squeezed my hand and we said goodbye. I slowly closed the door, shaking my head at the thought of seeing him tomorrow. My insides had butterflies, but for what? He was leaving. He was a decision I didn’t even have to make, because it was already decided for me. As much as I didn’t like the finality of that choice, I guess I still somehow appreciated that it was completely out of my control. Things were always easier that way.

  I took a long, hot bath and my mind raced. Thoughts of Ben. Thoughts of Steve. When I felt sure of one thing, it was swallowed up in an instant by something beyond my control. And while feeling uncertain about everything else, I somehow had some small amount of confidence that it would also decide it’s own fate. Then I just seemed confused by it all, so I had a glass of wine and went to bed. Before I cared about anyone, men were so much less complicated. At least sleep would give my mind a rest.

  The next morning I woke up at five-thirty, thankful that my hair was already washed. I got ready and headed downstairs just a few minutes before six. My doorman smiled at me, as if he had any clue what was going on in my life. Maybe he did, I don’t know. I’m sure it looked bad to him either way.

  Ben’s silver SUV pulled up at exactly six, and I climbed in the passenger side before he even had a chance to step out of the truck. He smiled at me and handed me a cup of coffee.

  “You look really pretty,” he said sweetly. “I’m definitely going to miss this.”

  “So you’re absolutely leaving today? This is it?” I asked, feeling a little sad about it.

  “Unless something changes my mind in the next six hours,” he said with a mischievous smirk. I wanted to believe him, that there was even a remote possibility of changing his mind. But after our prior conversation at the hospital, I knew he would be gone either way.

  “I can’t decide what to have for lunch on any given day,” I mused. “So I’m not one for helping someone else with decision making skills.”

  “Sometimes I wonder what I’m really doing,” he said honestly. “I’ve waited for this opportunity for years, and then it finally comes and I feel panicked. It seems surreal, moving to another country and all that. It seems strange to me that someone can pack up their entire existence in just a few bags and disappear into a completely new life.”

  “I wish for that twice a week,” I replied, only half sarcastically. “What you’re doing is really wonderful though. The difference you’re making in the world - very few people choose to have that kind of impact on other people. You are literally helping kids heal during one of the most difficult times in their life. And you’ve been through it yourself, so you understand it even better than they can while it’s happening. What you’re doing is really commendable. I know you’re not the kind of guy who could turn away from that opportunity.” I knew it was the absolute truth as I said it, and I couldn’t fault him for any of it.

  “Do you ever wonder if you’re making the right choice about something?” he asked curiously. “It’s weird to think about how saying yes or no to just one decision completely changes the trajectory of your life. Even though I suppose we get more do-overs than we think when something doesn’t work out. But saying yes or no to just one opportunity, that really changes things dramatically.”

  “I think about that all the time,” I replied, staring out the vehicle’s window as we drove further up the mountainside. “My life will be different too. It’s interesting how a decision one person makes can change the other people around them who aren’t even making a decision at all.”

  We pulled into the same spot we’d been to several times before, and I could vaguely make out the bench in front of us through the darkness.

  Ben reached behind him into the backseat of the truck and pulled out a few items.

  “Can you carry this?” he asked, handing me the cooler. He held sandpaper, a small can of paint, and a brush.

  “What is all that for?” I asked curiously.

  “I’m painting the bench once the sun comes up. All of those tally marks on there, I don’t need those anymore. Now they’re just a sad reminder to me that it’s not my bench anymore.”

  We climbed out of the truck and set our stuff down on the seat, opening up the cooler to pull out our breakfast. In similar fashion to our breakfasts before, th
ere were cinnamon rolls and breakfast sandwiches, along with more coffee.

  “I still think this is your bench,” I said, sitting down on the cold wood. I leaned myself up against the backrest, enjoying the food. “Coming here every morning for years? I think you’ve properly claimed it.”

  “I hope someone new finds it. Someone who needs a place of solitude,” he said thoughtfully. “I’ve solved a lot of life’s problems up here. Maybe it will work for someone else.”

  “Maybe I should start coming up here every day,” I replied with a snicker. “Lately I can’t figure anything out. Although without you here, I’m just not sure I would have the motivation to get up at six o’clock in the morning.”

  “Well you certainly shouldn’t bring another guy up here,” he said sarcastically. “Let’s at least keep things a little bit sacred at the bench. We don’t need someone else falling in love with you in the glow of the magnificent sunrise. I’d like to keep that for myself.” He smiled at me, and it felt friendly and familiar.

  “If we had more time, you would’ve changed your mind, you know,” I began with a raised brow. “Maybe you think you were falling for me. But I doubt you had a real, legitimate reason why I should be your girl. It was too quick. Love doesn’t happen like that.”

  “I don’t know,” he said quizzically. “I don’t think the speed of it matters. It can disappear in a heartbeat, in a phone call, or in one disappointing omission from the other person. I think it can begin as quickly as it ends, so I don’t think it’s about time. I agree with you, I think it’s more about reason. Do you want to know why I should have been the one to love you?”

  I wasn’t sure I really wanted to hear his response. I mean, deep down I always wanted a real, legitimate answer. But not from a man who would be disappearing from my life in about forty-five minutes. That just seemed cruel, and I wasn’t sure I could handle it.

  “Don’t say it,” I blurted out. “Maybe instead you should write it on the bench. That way it exists, but it doesn’t have to be the sentence on your lips before the sun comes up and we have to separate. Maybe that seems stupid. But honestly, I would prefer it that way.”