Teacher

by R. L. Merrill

  “I love you so goddamn much,” he whispered and I leaned down to kiss him on the forehead.

  “I love you too, Danny.”

  I sat back down and watched him devour the sandwich worried I should have gotten him more food. I sunk down into my seat and curled up the best I could. I tried to close my eyes, but I was restless. Danny spent most of the flight watching Jane sleep and playing with her hair. I must have dozed too.

  We landed back in Burbank at around 6:00 California time and by the time we got back to Danny’s, it was near 8:00 because of traffic. Nora cut her mini-vacation short and was back at the house waiting for us with dinner made. We ate quietly. Nora asked a few questions about Jane’s visit to New York, but she didn’t have much more to add to the story. After eating, she asked Danny to tuck her in. He went with her to her bedroom and was in there for about a half hour. When he came out he looked haggard. I walked quickly over to him and hugged him hard. He was near tears, just shaking his head and saying, “My poor baby.”

  “She’ll be ok, Danny. She was scared, but once she gets settled back in she’ll get better.”

  He nodded. “I’m going to take her to see her horse tomorrow and I’m going to call the therapist and see if we can get in Friday.”

  I leaned back, linking my hands around his neck. “That all sounds good. I’ll stay tonight at Nora’s. She said she’s already got the room ready for me, and tomorrow morning I’ll go home for a bit, give you two sometime alone. I can come back in the afternoon and I was thinking we could work on the Film Appreciation class? We can let Jane pick the movies if you want, and watch them together?”

  Danny smiled at me and kissed me sweetly. “That sounds perfect. I love you, honey. So much.”

  We kissed some more. Mostly I think he just needed the reassurance. When he started to yawn, I giggled and said, “Time for you to go ni ni, Danny.”

  He smirked and heaved a huge sigh. “I wish you were sleeping with me. I know we can’t. Especially not now. But I’m going to hug your pillow to me so I can at least smell you all night. Poor substitute, best I can do.” He winked at me. We reluctantly let go and watched each other walk out of the room.

  Nora was waiting up for me in her cottage. I explained in detail what happened. She cursed frequently and agreed that Jane needed to be made to feel comfortable here, that she wasn’t going to be left alone.

  I was too exhausted to talk much more so Nora sent me to bed. I took a shower and braided my hair before collapsing in bed.

  Chapter Twenty

  I woke up early and stretched out. I cleaned up my face and put on some yoga pants I’d packed. It was quiet in Nora’s cottage and I wasn’t sure if she was up yet. I stepped out the door and found Danny sitting on the patio with a cup of tea in view of the kitchen. He was staring out over the horizon, watching the sun come up.

  “Hey you,” I said as I neared him. He gave me a slightly bigger smile than the day before, but he looked worried. I sat next to him and kissed him on the cheek.

  He absently reached up and touched the spot I’d kissed. “Did you sleep ok?”

  I nodded. “It was weird but ok. How ‘bout you?”

  He shrugged and took another sip of tea. “I played guitar most of the night. Not really putting anything down, not really writing. I just couldn’t stop running things around in my head so I played.”

  “I’m glad you have that. Your music.” He wasn’t looking at me and seemed kind of distant. “What’s going on over there?” I spoke lightly but I was getting worried. He glanced at me and then leaned forward, lacing his fingers together.

  “Jesse, I thought a lot last night. When I was tucking Jane in, she cried and said she felt really alone. She felt like she didn’t have anyone. I tried to reassure her, she had me, but she just shook her head and said, ‘But Daddy, you have the band and now you’ve got school.’ She was inconsolable. It’s breaking my fucking heart.” I put my hand on his back and he leaned back, pulling away.

  “I’m thinking I can’t tell her about us now. I’m afraid she won’t take it well. I’m sorry, Jesse, but we’re going to have to put the brakes on. For Janey. I think you should just go."

  My heart dropped onto the patio. His tone was so cold. He was absolutely right, but the thought of going back to the way things were had me feeling hollow inside. I tried to reassure him with a smile.

  “I understand. Of course. Would you like me to still come over and study with you?”

  He finally looked at me. There were tears in his eyes. He nodded.

  “Ok. I’ll just get my things.”

  He looked away as I stood up and took a deep breath. “I think we should not meet today. I’ll call you.”

  “Sure. I have class tonight. Call me whenever.”

  He nodded and put his head in his hands.

  I was shaking when I said, “I’m sorry Danny. I’ll do whatever you think is best. But I’m here if you need me.”

  Without looking up, he mumbled, "I said I'd call you. Just go, please."

  I turned and hurried back to Nora’s cottage. I packed my bag and went out her front door. I could barely get my car key into the ignition, my hands were shaking so bad.

  I couldn’t believe we were here again! I was the one who said we needed to put Jane first in all this, but now that it was a reality, I was beyond frustrated. I knew getting involved with Danny was going to break my heart and it seemed to happen with regularity. I couldn’t blame him, though. Except, was it really necessary to push me this far away? To be so cold? I’d have to wait to see what happened.

  I got home and stomped up the steps, my frustration turning to anger. Cosmo and Jinx were sitting outside when I got there and started to say hello, but then saw the look on my face and thought better of the usual banter. Cosmo stood and followed me into my apartment and I didn’t turn him away.

  “Thought you weren’t coming home ‘til this weekend?”

  I turned on him. “Yeah, well, things changed. Again. Problems with his daughter. Have to put on the brakes. You know? You guys are always saying women are hard to deal with... Try being in love with a father of an almost-teenaged girl!” I threw my bag into my room and stomped over to the fridge. “Fuck! I have nothing to drink in this place!”

  Cosmo eyed me warily. “Jesse, I’m so sorry. I want you to be happy, baby. Maybe give him some time?”

  I nodded. “I guess so. I’m still helping him with his diploma. We should be done in a couple of weeks. We’ll see what happens then, I suppose.” I was standing in front of my empty fridge, gripping the door tightly. “I really need a fucking life, Cosmo.”

  He laughed and pulled me into a hug. “You do! You also need your mouth washed out with soap, but, hey, who am I to judge? How about we go out tomorrow night and paint the town? I’ll take you anywhere you want to go.” I raised my eyebrow at him. “Friends, Jesse Baby. That’s all. I promise. I’m not trying to step all up in Danny’s place. He loves you, I can tell.”

  I sighed and he pulled me closer, kissing the top of my head. “I know he does. I hate this.” I tried not to cry, but I couldn’t help it and Cosmo held me while I got it out of my system.

  “It’s going to be ok, baby.”

  I nodded and sniffled. “I know. Thanks, Cosmo. I’m going to do some stuff around here today, go to class, and then come home and go to bed. I’ll go work at Danny’s tomorrow and then you’ll take me out on the town. Great. It’s a date.” I tried to smile, but he knew me well enough to know it was forced.

  He left me to mope, which I did for hours.

  I got ready for class and tried to put on a better attitude. When I arrived at the studio I was feeling better. I decided I was going to work out my frustrations with the kids. The first couple of classes had me warmed up and by the time my senior girls got there, I felt really good. And then we had visitors.

  We were in the middle of stretching when the door to the studio opened and in walked Julian and Alex. They sat in the chairs wit
h smiles on their faces and the girls giggled nervously.

  “Well, ladies. It appears we have spectators tonight, or would you two care to join us?”

  Alex laughed and Julian stood up. “I’d love to. I’d love to see if I could keep up.”

  I smirked and then my eyes grew wide when he pulled out a pair of tap shoes.

  “Mr. Manning, I wasn’t aware your talents extended beyond rock n' roll!”

  He laughed and walked over to us. The girls looked at me and I looked at them and shrugged. I introduced him and a couple of them recognized him, eyes flared and giggles ensued.

  “Alright! Let’s get to it!” I warmed us up with some time steps and then started teaching them a short routine. Alex was watching us intently, laughing at Julian, who was keeping up beautifully.

  We kept it up for an hour and a half and then the girls said good-bye. I was sweating, but Julian seemed not at all affected.

  “Ok, Manning. Spill.”

  He laughed. “I always loved dancing. Bronson and I both danced when we were little, but he quit when he got to middle school, said it wasn’t cool anymore. I didn’t really care so much and I kept going until I decided I’d do better with music. There were lots of girls in dance, but more in rock n’ roll so there you go.” He winked at me and said, “You up for some more?” I nodded, anxious to see what he could do. He nodded to Alex.

  “Hey Alex, get on that piano over there, I know you’ve got to know some show tunes.”

  Alex laughed and shook his head. “Not off the top of my head.”

  I frowned. “And you play piano? Will the world never cease to amaze me? There’s some books over there.”

  He flipped through the stack of sheet music, pulled out ‘I Got Rhythm’ and started to play. Julian and I did a little back and forth, showing each other combinations and copying the moves. He was pretty darn good, only a little rusty, and we danced like that for another hour before I was breathless and had to stop.

  “That was so fun! I better watch out! If the owner sees you she’s liable to fire me and hire you to take my place.”

  He laughed. “Never. You’re brilliant, Jesse.” He hugged me and Alex stood up to hug me, too.

  They walked me to my car and asked if I was going back to Danny’s.

  My smile fell a little and I said. “No. I won’t be staying there anymore. After what happened in New York with Jane, Danny feels that he can’t tell her about us now and has, I guess, put us on hold. He told me to leave. We’re still going to work on school, but that’s it.”

  They looked at each other, stunned.

  “Oh, man, Jesse. I’m so sorry,” said Alex. “This has got to be killing him.”

  I nodded. “He was pretty upset this morning. But I don’t know what to do, how to be there for him. The way he spoke this morning, it was almost like he shut off any feelings he had for me.” I shook my head and laughed. “I’ve never done this before, so I have no clue what to do.”

  Alex put his arm around me and said, “As someone who has known Danny for most of his life, I can honestly say that I understand how hard this is on you. I love him to death, but he is a total fucking pain in the ass. There’s no middle ground with him. It’s either on or off, hot or cold. But he’s told me how much he loves you, Jesse. I hope you can be patient with him until he can figure things out with Janey.”

  “I don’t really have a choice, Alex. I love him, too.” I took a shaky breath and tried not to cry. “I just don’t want to put him in a bad position. I don’t even know if I should be calling or anything. He just told me to leave.”

  Julian cursed and said, “He is about as diplomatic as a nuclear bomb. Jesus. Look, Jesse, you just do what you need to do for you. Get him through school and hopefully by then he’ll get his head out of his ass. There’s no reason why you guys can’t be together. When things bother Danny he crawls into himself and tries to figure shit out on his own. It’s hard to get him to open up, I know. He’ll see that you’re not going anywhere and Jane will be ok with it eventually.” He smiled. “And if he doesn’t get with the program, Alex and I will kick his ass for you.”

  I snorted. “I notice you said both of you. Not ready to take him on yourself?”

  Julian laughed and held up his hands. “No. I know better. Now you go home and take care of you, ok? I hope we see you soon. Thanks for the class tonight. Mind if I come again sometime?”

  I shook my head. “Please, come anytime. It was fun. Although if the girls’ mothers start showing up and primping in my studio so they can ogle you, I’ll have to ask you to leave. Don’t want it to turn into a cougar’s den.”

  His eyes popped open and Alex cracked up. “Cougars?” He shivered. “No thanks. See you soon.”

  He kissed me on the cheek and they both waved. I felt better after talking to them and I had so much fun dancing with Julian. I was starting to get ideas about our next show...

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Friday morning I woke up early and a little stiffer than usual. I did my stretches and wished I could go for a swim, but the pool was closed at our building. Cosmo said some idiots dumped bubble bath into the spa and it wrecked shop on the whole system, not to mention it created a huge mess. He was trying to get the pool guy out. He did assure me it wasn’t any of his idiots. He reminded me he was taking me out later and I told him I wanted to go bowling.

  “I’m offering to take you out on the town and you choose bowling? Fair enough,” he said.

  I told him to bring the guys, too. I didn’t want it to feel like a date. I was missing Danny so much and didn’t want him to think anything was going on in our time apart. Cosmo was cool with it, said he might bring a girl he was interested in, too. I told him I’d love to meet her and he smiled.

  “She ain’t you, baby, but she does have some nice fucking legs.” Horrible.

  I texted Danny and asked what time he wanted me to come over since I hadn’t heard from him. He answered

  Come at lunchtime. Nora is making Jane’s favorite quesadillas. I read Catcher in the Rye and finished The Things They Carried, so if you can help me with those essays I think we are done with American Literature. Maybe we can watch a film with Janey, too.

  Back to business. I sighed heavily.

  I’ll be there. I hope you are well.

  I did laundry before going to his place, looking at the clothes I'd pilfered from Danny longingly and decided not to wash them. Pathetic. I dressed fairly professional, wearing one of the skirts I knew Danny really liked. I wore heels because he'd said they made my legs look even hotter, and I wore my hair up how I knew he liked it because he’d told me it made him want to kiss his way down my neck and to other places. I even wore some makeup because I wanted to look like I wasn’t a wreck over him, even though I totally was. Laying it on too thick? Possibly, but if I didn’t remind him of what he was missing, he might just decide he could do without the complication of me.

  It took forever to get to Danny's as there was a protest going on outside the Hustler club and it was spilling out into the streets. Never a dull moment on the Sunset Strip! Then I was actually pulled over on the drive up Doheny. The cop was making sure I wasn’t a tourist or sightseer. I assured him I was a teacher, gave him Danny’s address and phone number for him to call if he had questions. He raised an eyebrow at me, looked at my car, but then looked down my blouse and his lips curled up.

  “Just what kind of teacher are you,” he asked and I rolled my eyes.

  “Can I have my license back, please?”

  He apologized and let me go. I didn’t need a reminder that I didn’t fit into Danny’s world today of all days.

  Nora greeted me at the door. I guess any key or codes Danny was going to give me were forgotten and it was probably for the best. It would have been weird to explain to Jane why I was just waltzing into his house. They were in the kitchen and Jane ran to give me a hug.

  “Jesse! I missed you! Where were you yesterday?” I looked up at Danny, who look
ed like shit.

  “Sorry, sweetie. Your dad said you guys had things planned and I had class last night.”

  She squinted at me. “I want to come to dance! When can I come?”

  I raised an eyebrow at Danny and said, “Well, why don’t you ask your Uncle Julian to bring you! Did you know he was a dancer?” Her eyes bugged out and Nora had the same reaction.

  “He and Alex came to watch class last night and he brought his tap shoes. Guess he’s been holding out on you guys. He almost wiped the floor with me. Almost. Not quite.” I winked at Jane and she was giggling.

  Danny just sulked and took a drink from his tea. “Are you ready to get to work now,” he asked angrily.

  Nora smacked him on the head. “Danny, she just got here and she hasn’t had lunch yet. Jesse, you sit down. Danny, why don’t you go get started while she EATS HER LUNCH!”

  Danny looked thoroughly admonished and Jane just looked between us, confused.

  “Hey Jane, you want to help me with your dad’s assignment today?”

  She jumped at the chance. “Sure! What can I do?”

  I smiled at her conspiratorially and spoke loudly so Danny’s retreating figure could hear me. “Well, he has to do an elective called Film Appreciation. He has to watch films from different genres: Comedy, Action, Horror, Foreign and/or Black and White, and Romance. Why don’t you go pick out a movie for us to watch later?”

  She looked excited and said, “I can pick whatever I want?”

  “Yes, within those genres.” She scampered off to look through the DVDs in the theater. That left me alone with Nora, who was scowling in Danny’s direction.

  “He did it again, that ignorant man. I am so sorry...”

  I held up my hand. “Nora, I get it. I do. And he’ll figure it out.”