Captains Outrageous cap-6

by Joe R. Lansdale

  “I cannot,” Beatrice said. “I am much too tired.”

  “You’re stronger than you think. I know. I’ve been on the receiving end of your power. If you can fuck all night long, you can fish all night long.”

  I glanced at Ferdinand. He was red. He gunned the boat’s motor.

  “Hey, old man,” Billy yelled up at him. “You’re pulling the line too tight doing that.”

  “Sorry,” Ferdinand said, and cut the engine back.

  “I want this fish, Beatrice,” Billy said. “You want to give me what I want. What I’m paying you gives me what I want, and then some. You fuck this up, you’ll pay. You know that.”

  “Yes, Billy. Oh, God, Billy, please. My back feels like it is breaking.”

  “You’re okay.”

  “My arms. I cannot hold them up.”

  “Sure you can.”

  “You want the goddamn fish,” I said. “You take it. She’s hurting.”

  “Nothing worth doing is easy,” Billy said. “It’s her fish, and she’ll land it.”

  “Please, Billy,” Beatrice said. “You can have it. It could be you caught it in the first place.”

  Then I really got it. He was mad Beatrice had caught the big fish instead of him, and he was punishing her with it.

  I called to Ferdinand. “Cut it out. Let’s take the boat in.”

  He looked at me, his mouth moved at one corner, but he said nothing.

  Billy said, “I’m paying ten, no, twenty times… You hear me, old man, twenty times what you get for a charter. So you do it my way. Beatrice will do it my way.”

  “It is okay, Hap,” Beatrice said. “I can land him. I can do it.”

  “You don’t look like you could hold your leg up,” I said, “let alone land that monster.”

  “I can,” she said.

  The boat stopped and the great fish sounded, dove way down into the deeps. The rod bent into a bow. Beatrice was beginning to shake. Her face was pale and her eyes looked as if they might roll up into her head. She was stretched forward in the straps so that her back was away from the fighting chair, exposed. I could see the cords of muscle there, knotted like the Gordian knot.

  “She can’t take much more of this,” I said. “This is silly. I’ll take the fish if you won’t.”

  “You won’t do any such thing,” Billy said. “It’s her fish and she’ll land it. She caught it, she can bring it in.”

  “Billy,” Beatrice said. “I feel faint.”

  He poured beer over her head. “Here, this’ll freshen you up.”

  Beatrice shook the beer from her hair, began to cry silently.

  Landis said, “Maybe it is enough, Billy.”

  “I say when it’s enough,” Billy said. “You just sit.”

  Landis shrugged. He might have a conscience, but it wasn’t a strong one. Jason pulled a fresh beer from the cooler, popped it, looked off in the distance, possibly in search of Atlantis.

  The rod began to bob up and down and the line on the reel was running out. The fish was still diving down.

  Leonard said, “Lady, anytime you say it’s finished, trust me, it’s finished.”

  Billy sneered at Leonard.

  Leonard looked at him and smiled. “And I might finish it before it’s finished.”

  Ferdinand came out of the cabin. “I have killed the engine. The fish will sound. And will keep sounding. It is too much for her. My daughter cannot take much more. I must ask you to take the fish, senor.”

  “Me and Beatrice made a deal,” Billy said. “She does what I say for a while, and you get a whole lot of reward out of it.”

  “I know,” said Ferdinand. “But it is not enough. Not for such a thing as this.”

  My skin had begun to crawl. Not only because of what Billy was doing, but that her father was allowing, and worse yet, Leonard and I were allowing it. I couldn’t imagine anything being worth this.

  Billy slipped his hand beneath her bathing suit and began massaging a breast.

  The shears Ferdinand had used on the barracuda lay on the deck behind the chair. I picked them up and cut the line. The rod snapped back like a whip. The line jumped over the side of the boat and the fish was gone.

  Billy turned. But before I could hit him, Leonard was there. Leonard stuck the tips of his fingers in Billy’s eyes. Billy’s hands went to his face and Leonard kicked him hard in the balls. Billy went to his knees.

  I looked at Landis and Jason. They were both on their feet. Jason dropped his beer onto the deck. It rolled up against the side of the boat and foamed.

  I said, “I wouldn’t.”

  “Naw,” Leonard said. “Come ahead.”

  I was still holding the shears in my hand. Leonard had Billy by the hair, grinding his knuckles into the top of Billy’s skull. He pulled Billy forward onto his face, dropped his knee across Billy’s neck.

  “Taste that boat,” Leonard said. “Learn to like it. I plan on feeding it to you.”

  Beatrice was crying. “You do not know what you have done,” she said.

  “Maybe not,” I said. “But enough is enough. Ferdinand, take this boat back to port. And don’t anyone give me any shit about it.”

  “Oh, no,” Leonard said. “Please give me some shit. I’m already sweaty and worked up now. And I’m bleeding again. So I’m mad enough to need some shit. Come on, either of you pussies. I want some shit.”

  No one gave him any shit.

  Ferdinand gunned us toward shore.

  18

  That night in our hotel, Leonard, wearing fresh bandages, propped himself up in bed with pillows. He said, “I enjoyed our fishing trip. Didn’t you?”

  I was sitting in a chair at the desk, drinking a diet cola. “So much,” I said.

  “Just a little rest. A vacation…”

  “That’s enough. I was trying to help the old man.”

  “You’re always helping someone, Hap. Except yourself. And by the way, what do you think of the old man now?”

  “I think he saved our lives, and he’s a good old man, but… I don’t know. That stuff with those dipshits. What’s up with that?”

  “She’s a masochist, Hap. Where the fuck have you been all your life? Or maybe she has this big daddy thing goin’ with Billy Boy. Boss me, and I’ll be your slave shit.”

  “She seems intelligent.”

  “Probably is. She’s just fucked up. Leave it at that.”

  “Or she’s in some real deep shit and she and her old man are doing what they need to do to survive.”

  “Your idea was we were there to protect her today. We did that. In spite of the fact I’m not so sure she wanted it. We haven’t been invited back tomorrow.”

  “At least I won’t have to put those nasty sardines on a hook.”

  “Do you know how long I had to shower to get that fish smell off?”

  “You mean after we went fishing today, or before?”

  “That’s funny, Hap. Real funny. And I give up on the vacation.”

  “You talked me into staying.”

  “I know, and it was a mistake. We cannot take a vacation, Hap. It is not in the cards. Least not together. I miss John.”

  “Admit it. He might be your lover, but is he as much fun as me?”

  “Trust me, Hap. You’re not fun. And who knows, you might even call Brett and she might even like you calling.”

  “I must admit I think about her.”

  “She’s all right, that one. You should try and stick with her.”

  “I have.”

  “No. When she gives you a little bit of coolness, you bail. Every woman you meet can’t beat a drum all the time and blow a trumpet. They got to have their moments.”

  “Like you know anything about women, Leonard. You’re a queer.”

  “But a smart queer. Brett, she’s all right. We’ve known each other for a while now, Hap, old buddy, and I finally figured out why you don’t stick with women.”

  “You mean besides the ones that double-cross an
d try to kill me?”

  “Besides them.”

  “You mean like the one falls in love with a good friend and then goes off and gets killed.”

  “Well, besides her too.”

  “What’s the answer, O Sage Queer?”

  “What you got to do, my man, is give your relationships some breathing space. You’re working so hard to have a relationship, you don’t just let it happen. Hang with the moment, buddy.”

  “That’s it? Hang with the moment? What kind of fuckin’ advice is that? You haven’t exactly had the best love life in the world either, if you’ll recall.”

  “Got me there, but at least I figured out your problem. You meet a woman, you get that charge of being in love. That romantic, sexual rush, and then it gets everyday, and you don’t know how, or don’t have the character-”

  “Watch it.”

  “Don’t have the character to make it work when it gets into the everyday. I’m not one of those says a relationship should be a job. That’s the case, get a part-time at the 7-Eleven. I am sayin’, it ain’t all about moony eyes and exchanging body fluids.”

  “This from the guy telling me that the size of John’s hammer was what you were really impressed with.”

  “It is impressive. But… I been away from him awhile, and, you know, I’m beginning to rethink things. Not about the size of the hammer. I still like that part. But about love and life.”

  “Oh, shit. Love and Relationships by Leonard Pine. Save it. Write a column.”

  “Hey, listen to me, buddy. That’s how I realized I’d turned a corner with John. I just let things be.”

  “You hung with the moment.”

  “Exactly. Bottom line. Don’t try so hard. And this one. Beatrice. Let it go. She’s about two dogs short a sled team.”

  “I think I’ll go to sleep now, Socrates.”

  “Fine. Just when you get in bed, try not to show so much skin. I don’t like seeing you in your underdrawers.”

  “I thought queers liked men in their underwear.”

  “Not you.”

  “Well, you snore in your sleep.”

  “Yeah, and you fart. No wonder you can’t keep a woman.”

  I slipped off my pants and shirt, turned off the light, climbed into my bed. I lay there silent for a while. I said, “Do I really fart in my sleep?”

  Leonard snickered.

  “Do I?”

  Leonard snickered again.

  “Do I?”

  “Sometimes.”

  “What times?”

  “When you fart. Now sleep tight, and don’t let the bedbugs bite. And finally, my good man, shut the fuck up, will you?”

  “Leonard?”

  “Christ. What?”

  “You may be right. It’s tough loving someone and doing it right.”

  “Talk about tough, you ought to be a homo. You know me and John we can’t even hold hands without people going bonkers. You, you can hold hands with a woman, no one thinks that’s weird. I hold hands with John, people stand and stare.”

  “I’ve seen you hold hands with John. In public.”

  “I didn’t say I didn’t do it, but it isn’t comfortable. Our love is ridiculed when folks can’t just accept it. What the fuck harm does it do them?”

  “None at all, Leonard. And if it’s any consolation, I think John is a good catch. You done good. I don’t know how. But you did.”

  “Good night, Hap.”

  “Good night, Leonard.”

  Next morning, early, there was a pounding on our door.

  I sat up in bed. Leonard was already on his feet, stepping into his pants. “Who is it?” he said.

  “Billy. From the boat.”

  “Yeah,” Leonard said. “Just the man I don’t want to see.”

  I pulled on my pants, was slipping on my shirt when Leonard opened the door.

  Billy was standing there fuming, his fist clenched. His bright Hawaiian shirt was almost too much that time of morning.

  “She here?”

  “Who?” Leonard asked. “Helen of Troy?”

  “You know who I mean.”

  “Beatrice?” I said.

  “Yeah. Her. Where is she?”

  “She’s not here,” Leonard said.

  “Goddamn it,” Billy said, reaching under his shirt, pulling out a small snub-nose revolver. “You’re gonna tell me-”

  It was quick, the way Leonard grabbed Billy by his shirtfront and started slapping him. I’m not exactly sure how many times he slapped Billy. It was too quick and economical to tell. It was over before it started. The slapping. And the disarming.

  Leonard tossed the gun on the floor, stuck two fingers in Billy’s nostrils, stepped behind him, jerked him to the floor.

  Billy said, “Goddamn.”

  Leonard dislodged his fingers from Billy’s nose, knelt behind him, wrapped his forearm around Billy’s neck and squeezed. “Are you gonna be good, Billy,” Leonard said, “or am I gonna have to open up an economy-size can of whup-ass?”

  “I’m cool,” Billy said.

  “You ain’t got enough time in your life to learn how to be cool,” Leonard said. “What do you think, Hap?”

  “We could kill him, cut him up, leave him under the bed.”

  “I like that.”

  “I was just looking for Beatrice,” Billy said.

  “I thought you were spending the night with her,” I said.

  “Can you please stop choking me?”

  “You get up, play nice, and don’t talk so loud,” Leonard said, “you and me can tolerate one another.”

  Leonard stood up.

  Billy stood up. Took a swing at Leonard. Leonard ducked it, grabbed the pistol off the floor, brought it around and caught Billy upside the head with it. Billy went down so fast it was like he’d stepped in an open manhole.

  Leonard leaned over, tapped him again with the little gun, said, “You just think Rodney King took a beatin’. Wait’ll I get through.”

  “Hold up, Leonard,” I said. “That’s enough. Save your strength. We may have to bury him later. And you don’t want to open your wounds.”

  Leonard took a deep breath, tossed the pistol on the bed.

  “Take a chair, my man,” Leonard said.

  Billy got his feet under him, went over and sat down at the little table. Blood was running from his nostrils, dripping onto his colorful shirt. His cheeks were bright and finger-marked.

  I went in the bathroom, got some toilet paper, stuff you could use to sand your furniture, gave the wad to Billy.

  He pressed it against his nose.

  “You didn’t have to do all that,” he said.

  “No,” Leonard said. “I didn’t have to. But I wanted to. Don’t ever pull a gun on me, motherfucker. I’d been in a worse mood, you’d have to hire a winch truck to get that little shooter out of your ass.”

  “I thought she was here,” Billy said. “I’ve spent more money on that bitch than the Republican party did their last election. I figure I got a right to know where she is. Me and her had a deal.”

  “You’re spending money on her,” I said. “You don’t own her.”

  “That’s a matter of opinion. I stayed with her last night. We had a fight. I wasn’t happy with you guys. I didn’t want you around, and she said fine, and then she really pissed me saying she fucked Hap here. That true, Hap?”

  “I don’t usually fuck and tell, but in your case, I’ll make an exception. Yes. And I really, really enjoyed it.”

  “She told me she got herself in some kind of shit with a gangster or something. She needed money. Lots of it.”

  “So you took advantage of that?” I said.

  “It was a deal she wanted to make,” Billy said.

  “Yeah,” Leonard said, “and while you had her bent over a barrel, you thought you’d core her ass with your money. Am I right?”

  “I came to her father about a fishing charter,” Billy said. “He was recommended. Goddamn, I need more toilet paper.�
��

  This time Leonard came back with a wet towel. Billy took it, pressed it against his nose.

  “Old man told me what he’d charge, and I agreed. Then I met Beatrice. She and I had a drink. We talked. She said she needed help. She needed money. She could make it a hell of a fishing trip, and in the meantime I could drop my line in her little water hole, if you know what I mean. Provided I came up with lots of money. She wanted too much money. Even for a good-looking ass like hers.”

  “So you had some ideas?” Leonard said.

  “Yeah. I said, you do what I like. What I say for three days, and we fish too, I’ll pay off the bill.”

  “How much is the bill?” I asked.

  “Seventy-five or eighty thousand. It wasn’t an exact figure.”

  I looked at Leonard. “You were actually going to pay her that much?”

  “I figured I ought to fuck her old man too, for that price. Not that I wanted to, understand me.”

  “You have that kind of money?”

  “Out the ass. That’s no money to me.”

  “Are you going to pay her anything now?”

  “I don’t know. Probably not.”

  “So why are we hearing all this?” I asked.

  “Because I can’t find her and the deal’s off. I’m giving the old man the money for the fishing trip. One day, but that’s it. She threw me out last night, wouldn’t answer her door this morning. I thought she was here.”

  “What would you care?” I said. “You were thinking about not paying the money. Right?”

  “I don’t like losing tail to someone else,” Billy said. “Especially someone made me look like an asshole. And I’ve spent money on her, put her up in that hotel. She thinks I’m going to pay for today, her not letting me in like that, not answering the door, she can kiss my ass.”

  “No one had to work hard to make you look like an asshole,” Leonard said. “You were riding high there, my man. And understand you’re getting this from the smartest nigger in the world.”

  “Smartest nigger in the world?” Billy said.

  Leonard leaped off the bed, slapped Billy so hard it knocked him off the chair.

  “I can say that,” Leonard said. “You can’t. How’d you vote last presidential election?”

  “What?” Billy said, afraid to get off the floor.