Captains Outrageous cap-6

by Joe R. Lansdale

  I wiped my feet on a dry part of the carpet. I was trembling so bad I thought I was literally going to shake my gun belt off.

  I started to back out of the doorway, but I gathered up my courage. It was like trying to gather up ten pounds of yarn and poke it in a two-pound basket. But I did it. I went to the bedroom. Opened the door and yelled. I don’t know why I yelled. To scare whoever might be in there. To encourage myself. Hard to say.

  The bed was blood-drenched. The stench in there was strong enough to grow legs and dance up the wall. There was a bloody handprint on the wall. As if someone had leaned there, tired from his work. Or maybe Charlie broke free, pushed his attacker back, forcing him to put out a hand to keep from falling.

  But whoever it had been was fast enough to catch up with a wounded man. And he had. And he had cut Charlie’s throat.

  As for the handprint, it was huge.

  A little suitcase sat on its side by my chair. On the chair were Charlie’s clothes, a Hawaiian shirt draped over the back of it. The shirt pictured a bursting sunset against a blue-green sea, bordered by palm trees and a strip of beach. On the seat of the chair, on top of his gray slacks, was his porkpie hat. Beside the chair, his Dr. Scholl’s shoes with black and red clocked socks sticking out of them like tired tongues.

  I eased the rest of the way into the room and looked around. I even bent down and looked under the bed. Lots of cobwebs. I opened the closet door.

  Empty, except for a dead beetle.

  I took a deep breath. I checked out the bathroom.

  I pulled back the shower curtain.

  Nothing.

  I holstered my gun, went to the front room, picked up the phone, called Leonard first. I don’t know why, but things go wrong, I call him. It’s a wonder I don’t call him when I have a hangnail. When I explained, he said, “Goddamn. Godalmightydamn. Charlie? You’re sure?”

  “I’m sure.”

  “You’re absolutely sure.”

  “He’s behind the goddamn couch, Leonard. He’s cut up. It’s him. I’d let you talk to him, but he’s dead. Dead, goddamn it.”

  “Easy. I’m coming over… You all right, Hap?”

  “Peachy.”

  I dialed 911 next, told the police who I was, gave them the address and details.

  I went outside, took off my gun belt, put it on the front seat of my car. I didn’t want any gun-happy cops popping me.

  I sat down on the bottom step of the apartment and took in long, slow breaths. I was away from the stench of blood, but I could still smell it. I felt as if it had soaked into my skin. In the distance I could hear a siren. More than one.

  Then I really began to think about who was upstairs. My good buddy, Charlie. I thought about what had occurred, how horrible it had been, and that it must have been meant for me.

  As I’ve pointed out, I’m not exactly a lucky man. But I did get a bit of luck. The head honcho on the case knew me. His name was Jake. I had met him several times but I could never remember his last name. He had been a patrol cop when I first met him. He was a detective now. Part of that was due to Charlie leaving, opening up a position. He and Charlie had been friends.

  He was a big dark-haired guy with a belly made pregnant by too many beers and not enough exercise. He had a naturally sad face, and today it was sadder. He wore a very nice suit and very nice shoes. I found myself looking at his shoes a lot. I didn’t like the fact I was all teary-eyed. Even under such circumstances one tries to be macho. It’s expected.

  We were leaning on my car, talking. I was giving him the poop I knew. Which, of course, was limited. I didn’t mention the Mexico thing. I knew I should have. I even knew they were connected, but right then I didn’t mention it.

  Leonard drove up. The cops didn’t want to let him see me, but Jake signaled him through.

  “You okay, brother?” Leonard said.

  “I suppose,” I said. “I’m not exactly up for Pancho’s Mexican buffet, but I guess I’ll make it.”

  One of the blue suits came over, said, “There’s a handprint in blood on the bathroom wall. It’s big. If the rest of that motherfucker goes with the hand he’ll be just a little smaller than a Tyrannosaurus rex.”

  “You getting prints?”

  “I’m just a blue suit, like you used to be, Jake, but I thought of that. We do that when we do police work. We take photographs and try not to step in stuff.”

  “All right, all right,” Jake said. “I get you.”

  “Did I say this motherfucker is big?” the blue suit said. “I mean big.”

  “You said he was big,” Jake said.

  “He’s so big he hurts my feelings. I wear like a size eight shoe. Everyone’s bigger than me, but this motherfucker, he’s bigger than everyone else.”

  “We get the point,” Jake said. “Go supervise. Get a doughnut. Something. You’re gettin’ on my nerves.”

  “Now that you’re a detective I get on your nerves.”

  “Ned, you always got on my nerves.”

  Ned went away. Jake said, “You have no idea why this happened?”

  “I think whoever it was was looking for me,” I said. “Charlie was in the wrong place at the wrong time. It could have been robbery. They wanted something I didn’t have. I had moved most of my stuff out. Disappointed, they took it out on Charlie. It could have been like that.”

  “Could be that way,” Jake said. “But before you said robbery, you said they were looking for you. You kind of tacked that on, like maybe you wished you hadn’t said the first part. Why would they be looking for you?”

  “I live here. Charlie isn’t normally here. Maybe someone had a grudge and came to settle it.”

  “What I know about you guys, lots of people could have grudges. You got any names of these grudge holders?”

  “You’ll need a computer,” Leonard said.

  “Yeah, but I can’t think of anyone who would do this,” I said.

  “So no one comes to mind?” Jake said.

  I shook my head. “No. Not really.”

  “What about you, Leonard? You know Hap well. Anyone you can think of would want him dead.”

  Leonard put his arm around my shoulder. “No.”

  “And Charlie was here why?”

  “He was going to stay a couple nights while his trailer was painted.”

  “You wouldn’t hold back anything, would you, Hap?”

  “I don’t think I am.”

  “That’s not quite an answer either way.”

  “No, it isn’t, Jake. I’m a little rattled right now. You’ll have to forgive me. I just found a good friend with his throat cut. Tends to make a man tense and a little confused.”

  “Hey, he was my friend too,” Jake said.

  “I know.”

  “You called Leonard, obviously. I don’t suppose you called and told Hanson. They were like brothers, you know.”

  “I do know,” I said. “No. I didn’t call Hanson.”

  “I’ll take care of that. You got some place to go?”

  “I’m staying with my girlfriend. Brett Sawyer.”

  “He’ll be with me for a while,” Leonard said. “You know my address.”

  “Who in law enforcement doesn’t?” Jake said.

  “I can give you my boyfriend’s address too.”

  “Oh. Well…”

  “Forgot I was queer, didn’t you?”

  “Bingo. You just don’t… I don’t know…”

  “Act queer?”

  “Well, yeah.”

  “Guess what? Some of us don’t wear feather boas. But just so you don’t feel all confused, me and John, sometimes we hold hands and kiss and I did give him a little promise ring.”

  “Man, I don’t want to hear that,” Jake said. “Your boyfriend’s address isn’t necessary. Give me Brett’s address, Hap, and go. I need to ask any more questions, I’ll look you up.”

  I gave him the address, started to get in my car.

  Jake said, “I assume the gun on the s
eat goes with the guard uniform?”

  “Goddamn, you are a detective,” I said. I was trying to come across as cool and calm and still ripe with humor, but the words came out flat and a little desperate. It’s funny the way men try to be men.

  “Follow me to my place,” Leonard said. “We can talk.”

  When we got to John’s, and Leonard explained what happened, John immediately put a pot of water on the stove. Leonard once told me when things get tense, first thing John did was heat water and make tea.

  “Motherfucker thinks he’s from England,” Leonard said.

  “Tea is soothing,” John said. “I’ve got some cookies. Vanilla, of course.”

  “You put ice in tea,” Leonard said. “Anything else is un-American. Besides, I like milk with vanilla cookies. We got the wafers or the ones with the creme in the middle?”

  “Like it matters to you,” John said. “Vanilla cookies with shit in the center would be all right for you. Long as they’re vanilla.”

  We sat at the table while the water heated. Leonard said, “You didn’t mention Mexico to Jake.”

  “No, I didn’t. And you didn’t either.”

  “You thought Jake didn’t need to know, I couldn’t see any reason to mention it. But it’s too much like Mexico to be coincidence.”

  John poured hot water into cups with tea bags in them. He said, “May I ask why you didn’t tell the police? You want the killer caught, of course.”

  “I want his ass. I want it personally. Beatrice was a fool, but she was all right at the center. She didn’t deserve to die and then have it all swept under the rug. I left that to the Mexican police. Obviously, it didn’t work out. I don’t think it’ll ever work out. I been thinking about that. Me just going off to let it work out in whatever manner it worked out. It’s in my craw.”

  “Frankly,” Leonard said, “it’s in my craw too. She and her old man did help us when we needed it.”

  “Damn right. And Charlie, he was a good friend. He was staying at my place and was killed because whoever did this thought it was me. I want to get even.”

  “Doesn’t that violate your kinder and gentler nature you’re trying to preserve?”

  “It does. And I want to find out why anyone would want to kill me. What the hell could I know or have that would interest them?”

  “I think it’s more like what they think you know or have,” Leonard said.

  “Another thing,” John said. “Wouldn’t it be best to tell the cops? Just for one simple reason.”

  “Which is?”

  “They might actually catch him. I mean, come on, from what Leonard’s told me about you two guys, about the only thing you can catch is a cold.”

  “Hey,” Leonard said. “We stumble around long enough, we get what we want.”

  “Think about this,” John said. “Guy’s out there running around right now. You think he came all this way just to break down a door, kill Charlie, catch a plane back to Mexico?”

  “Well, no,” I said.

  “He could have thought you were Charlie,” Leonard said. “He somehow knew a Hap Collins was involved with Beatrice, and for whatever reason he killed her, he connects you to it, comes to kill you, gets poor Charlie, thinks his job is done, and goes home.”

  “Bless Charlie,” John said. “Could be just that. But don’t you think at some point in the torture, Charlie would have been inclined to tell this big man who he was, and maybe where you were?”

  “He’d done to me what he did to Charlie,” I said, “I’d have told him anything he wanted to know. I’d have sucked his goddamn dick and given him a shoeshine. I don’t see how Charlie could have kept from it.”

  “Brett,” Leonard said.

  “Shit,” I said.

  “You stay here,” Leonard said to John.

  “And why is that?”

  “Because you’re the bitch in this relationship.”

  We were on our way out the door when John said, “Piss on you, Leonard. You male chauvinist pig.”

  “But you’re male too,” Leonard said. “So how can that be male chauvinistic? Oh, shit, they could be looking for me as well. I mean, it could be that way, right?”

  “They know about me, they may know about you,” I said.

  “That means they might come after me, and John’s here.”

  “You are not leaving my sweet ass behind then,” John said.

  Leonard rushed to his closet, took out his shotgun, plucked a few shells from an overhead shelf. We hustled over to Brett’s in John’s car, and before I got in I got my gun out of my pickup.

  That morning, when I had left to go over to Charlie’s, it was my plan to drop in on him and take him to coffee. Take some coffee and doughnuts back to Brett. She had pulled a hard shift the night before and was sleeping late. I thought it would be a nice surprise. But my plans might actually have put Brett in the line of destruction.

  When we pulled up in Brett’s yard, the lawn chair was still wrapped in grass and the front door was intact.

  Of course, our man could have come through the back door.

  I got out with my revolver in my hand, Leonard behind me with the shotgun held against his leg. John kept close to Leonard. He was carrying a fistful of shotgun shells, just in case our enemies came in waves.

  John said, “That lawn chair. That’s one of ours.”

  “That’s nice,” Leonard said.

  “Circa nineteen ninety-five. We don’t make them like that anymore.”

  “It’s a fuckin’ antique,” Leonard said. “Now shut up.”

  I used my key and went in.

  Everything looked like it always did.

  I hurried to the bedroom, my stomach sour with fear.

  Brett was in bed with the covers under her chin. She was snoring in a very unladylike fashion. I sighed, glanced up at a whirling shadow. It was her panties hanging from the slowly rotating overhead fan. That was my signal to wake her. Waking her was always worthwhile.

  I gently patted her and went out, closed the door, sat down on the living room couch. Leonard sat down beside me, the shotgun draped across his knees.

  “I feel drained,” I said.

  “Understandable,” John said. “I’ll find a pot and boil some water. Uh… Brett does have tea, doesn’t she?”

  Leonard looked at me, said, “See?”

  About twenty minutes later, Brett came out of her bedroom. We were sitting on the couch sipping tea. We turned to look at her. She was wearing a half T-shirt that covered the tops of her breasts. She wasn’t wearing panties.

  She looked at us. We looked at her.

  “Well,” she said, “ain’t this a fine howdy-do? You on the couch, and me dressed like Huckleberry Hound. I hope you’ll excuse me.”

  She turned, showing us her ass, and disappeared back into the bedroom. She came out a moment later with shorts on. As she came into the room, she said, “You know, it’s hard to act cool when you’ve just shown three men your beaver and found your underwear dangling from an overhead fan.”

  “Sorry,” I said.

  “If it helps any,” Leonard said, “me and John go for dicks.”

  “And I’ve seen it before,” I said.

  “Well now… Is there still some tea?”

  “There is,” John said. “I’ll fix you up.”

  “A gal shows off her canoe, even if it’s by accident, you’d hope someone thought it was worth riding in.”

  “I didn’t say I wasn’t interested,” I said. “I’m very interested.”

  “It looked very nice,” Leonard said. “I guess. I mean, I don’t really know what all of that’s about, you know.”

  “You mean you’re still queer? Sight of me didn’t jerk you into a heterosexual frame of mind?”

  “ ’Fraid not,” Leonard said.

  “But if anyone could,” John said, “I’m sure it would be you.”

  “Thank you, John. I’ll cherish that. May I ask what I owe the joy of this gathering to? I’m kind
of surprised you didn’t fix me breakfast, Hap. I figured a fuckin’ like I gave you last night ought to at least warrant toast and coffee. Good God, all three of you have the longest goddamn faces.”

  “Actually, I went out for doughnuts, but I got detoured.”

  “Have I faded from your thoughts that quickly.”

  “There’s been something come up. Charlie.”

  “Is he in the bathroom? Now he’s a hetero. He would have respected my entrance. I can tell by the way he looks at me with my clothes on, he would have loved a view of the canyon. Last I heard, he wasn’t gettin’ any, so that might make me look even better.”

  “If he were in the bathroom, he’d be horrified at what he missed,” I said. “But he’s not. And that’s why we’re glum. Hon, Charlie’s dead.”

  “What?”

  I told her the story. I told her the background.

  “I’ll be damned. I can’t believe it. Charlie’s dead.”

  “Yeah. It’s hard to believe.”

  “We just saw him yesterday.”

  “I put you in danger, Brett. I didn’t even know I did it. Somehow, sorry doesn’t seem like enough to say. I don’t know what would be enough.”

  “You didn’t know this was going to happen. No way you could have. It doesn’t matter. You didn’t do it on purpose.”

  “On purpose or not, this monster might have shown up here. I don’t like to think about that. Seems you and me get together there’s always trouble.”

  “You and anybody get together it’s trouble,” Leonard said.

  “Jesus, poor Charlie,” Brett said. “He was such a nice guy.”

  “That’s right,” I said, “he was.”

  “And you didn’t tell the cops about what happened in Mexico?” Brett asked.

  “I didn’t.”

  “That means you plan to settle it, doesn’t it?”

  “I plan to try.”

  “Which means, of course, that Leonard will try with you.”

  “I’ve dragged Leonard into enough shit.”

  “Oh, shut the fuck up,” Leonard said.

  “You’re the one complains,” I said.

  “Yeah, I complain. But you know well as I do, they’re doin’ it to you, they’re doin’ it to me, brother.”

  “But they’re not doing it to me,” John said. “I don’t like the idea of you doing this, Leonard. You said you were backing off doing things with Hap.”