Ask Adam

by Jess Dee

  “Yes it is,” he countered. “I’m a responsible man and I hold myself accountable for my actions.”

  Lexi gave him a hollow smile and tossed the package on the table. The pregnancy test spilled out. “I don’t need it, Adam. I’m not pregnant.”

  “You’re not?” He sat up straight. “How do you know?”

  “Because,” she told him, “I got my period.”

  “Oh.” He shook his head. Frowned. “I…uh… Oh,” he said again.

  He sank back in his chair, silent, and she gave him a minute to digest the news. He’d spent three weeks wondering, and in a second he’d discovered the answer. He needed the time.

  Inscrutable emotion filtered through his eyes as he stared past her. Finally, he nodded. “There is no baby.”

  Was it her imagination or did he seem disappointed?

  “No, Adam, much to your relief, I’m sure, there is no baby.” She put the test back in the bag and pushed it across the table. “You’re free to leave now.” She prayed to God he wouldn’t. He’d come to her of his own volition—to take care of unfinished business.

  Now that the business was settled, what reason did he have to remain? “You’ve fulfilled your duty. You’ve got your answer. There really is no reason for you to be here any longer.” She hesitated before adding, “Is there?”

  Her insides danced wildly, nervous tremors taking over. Would he want to stay?

  He looked up at her. “I’m a real bastard, aren’t I?”

  At least he hadn’t stood. At least he wasn’t headed for the door. She took a minute to contemplate his question. His demeanor was different somehow. He was different. She couldn’t pin down exactly how. He just wasn’t the same.

  “You can be,” she answered carefully, terrified she might scare him off with her honesty. He had acted like an asshole the other night—but then, he’d been provoked.

  “My behavior was inexcusable.”

  She didn’t contradict him. She couldn’t have if she wanted to. Her heart hammered so loud it was impossible to hear her thoughts, never mind voice them.

  “I know you would never do anything as deplorable as trap me with an unplanned pregnancy.”

  Oh, thank you, God. Thank you, thank you, thank you. She almost wept at his words.

  Any strength she had in her arms drained out through her hands, and her shoulders sagged at the reprieve he’d given her.

  It took a ridiculous amount of effort but she managed to collect her wits about her and answer in a steady voice. “I’m glad you understand that.” She wasn’t ready to let her guard down. He’d hurt her deeply and a simple acknowledgement of her innocence wasn’t enough.

  “I was a complete prick and I apologize.”

  She should just accept his apology and end the conversation now. Sitting this close to him was too difficult. She wanted to touch him, wanted to tear his clothes off and mold herself to his naked body—but that was out of the question. It would be much wiser to just ask him to leave so she wouldn’t have to endure the torment.

  She couldn’t ask. There were too many burning issues she needed resolved. Too many reasons she wanted him to stay.

  “What would you have done, Adam? If I were pregnant?” Suddenly she was desperate to know.

  He sighed. “Does it matter now?”

  “Yes, it does.” He hadn’t just abandoned her. He’d come back to take responsibility.

  The question was, what kind of responsibility would he have taken? The responsibility of raising another child? Financial responsibility? Or the responsibility of ensuring she had a termination?

  A muscle worked in his jaw. “Whatever needed doing.”

  “Uh uh. Too vague.” She wanted specifics. “What would you have done?”

  He sighed and stared behind her at a point on the wall she couldn’t see.

  “I went home,” he said. “Back to Perth.”

  That wasn’t an answer. “I’m not following you…”

  “I haven’t been back in almost ten years. Not since I filed for divorce.”

  If she’d thought she was good at diversionary tactics, Adam was obviously an expert.

  Despite herself, she was sucked into his narrative. He’d told her he couldn’t stay in Perth after Timmy’s death, told her he hated everything the city represented, and yet he’d gone there now. “I thought you were in Hong Kong.”

  “I was. I went to Perth afterwards. I just got back.”

  Which explained why he wasn’t in Sydney this last week. “Why did you go?”

  “Because of you. Because of me.” He kept staring at the invisible point behind her back. She studied him silently, gave him space to gather his thoughts. Noticed again that he seemed different somehow. Less removed, maybe?

  “I went to visit Timmy. To spend some time with…” He cleared his throat. “To spend some time at his grave, to speak to him a little.”

  “Oh my God.” Stunned, she swallowed down an unexpected lump in her throat.

  After their argument, she never dreamed she’d hear him say that. Never thought for one second he’d face his past head-on. “You did?”

  “I went to say goodbye.” He finally looked at her. Where she expected to see heartache and pain, all she found was quiet calm. The haunted quality that usually shadowed his eyes was gone. “And to let go of my anger. You were right. I’d been holding on to it too tight.”

  She floundered, overwhelmed by his confession. “That couldn’t have been easy.”

  Her throat was all clogged up.

  “It wasn’t. It got ugly. You ever see a grown man cry?” His laugh was empty and trailed off as her answer hung silently between them. She’d seen him cry.

  If he stayed here much longer, he’d see her cry. She was barely holding it together.

  “I can’t say I’m not sad anymore. I am. I always will be. I can’t even say I’ve accepted Timmy’s death. But I guess I’m coming to terms with it. Learning to live with it.”

  He’d done it. He’d taken a giant leap and faced his grief over Timmy’s death. Dear God, that must have been impossible. It must have ripped his world apart. Nevertheless, he’d done it. He’d survived.

  That’s when she worked out what was different about him. He’d lost his edginess.

  The cold detachment was gone. Before her sat a man who was ready to participate in life again. Ready to live—and not just exist.

  Would he want to include her in that new life? Please, please, let her be included.

  The suspense drove her crazy. She was an emotional wreck, pretending to be objective when she was so crazy in love with him she could hardly see straight. Her stomach was a mass of wobbly jelly.

  She couldn’t let him see what he did to her. Not yet, not until he’d told her about Perth, about Timmy. “You seem different,” she said instead, giving him an honest assessment. “It’s almost as if you’re less aloof, less angry with the world.” Less angry with her.

  “I am,” he said. “Or at least I’m starting to be.”

  “You can’t be healed overnight,” she cautioned. Yes, he was different. Still, grief took a long time to overcome. She’d hate for him to have false expectations.

  “I can’t be happy overnight either. I can be happier. I am.” He paused. “I went to see the boys.”

  “Tracey’s sons?” Holy shit. He’d scaled mountains without her.

  He nodded. “Timmy’s brothers.”

  “Adam… Where did you find the courage?” His heart must have hammered when he’d been introduced. Adrenalin must have taken over, let him run on autopilot.

  “It wasn’t as bad as I’d thought it would be.” His answer was a sharp contrast to her conjectures. “I guess I’d just built them up in my mind, made them into something they’re not.”

  How’d he do that? Clear such an enormous hurdle without even touching the bar?

  What about his biggest fear? Had it come to bear? “Did they…did either of them look like Timmy?”

  He s
hook his head. “Not really, no. Can you believe that? All this time that’s what kept me away. There were definite similarities. Corey, the younger one, has the same quirky smile and behaves the way Timmy used to. That could be regular three-year-old behavior and not specific to brothers.”

  He was so okay with it, Lexi thought. So…unaffected.

  “Jason has the same hair color but other than that, nothing. I think whatever else I recognized in them was more their resemblance to Tracey than anything.” He shrugged.

  “They’re good kids, both of them. But they’re not Timmy.”

  “Did you…are you okay?” What an inadequate question. It didn’t begin to cover everything he must have experienced.

  “Actually, yeah. It was harder to drive to the house and ring the doorbell than it was to talk to them. The anticipation was far worse than the reality.” He leaned forward, rested his hands on her table.

  She found herself staring at his long, strong fingers, resisting the impulse to take them and hold on for dear life.

  “It’s a relief, you know, to realize I can be around kids again and not resent them for living when my child didn’t. You were right. It wasn’t anybody’s fault that Timmy died.

  It was just something that happened. Something I couldn’t prevent. Something no one could prevent.” He looked into her eyes. “You helped me see that, and for that I am eternally grateful.”

  He’d done it because of her and because of their mistake. He’d done it because he’d thought she might be pregnant, and he needed to confront his past before he could deal with his present. He’d done it because, because… She couldn’t continue her line of thought. He’d done it. That was all that was important.

  And then he smiled at her, gave her one of those traffic-stopping smiles, and her heart crashed into her ribcage, which in turn smashed through any previous resolve to hold back until he’d finished speaking. The walls of the dam burst open and everything came tumbling out of her mouth. She couldn’t stop the words. Didn’t even try.

  “I love you, Adam Riley. I don’t care if you’ve sworn off ever loving again or you don’t want a future with me. I love you. I love that you tried to let me into your life and I love that you came back when you thought I was pregnant—even though you don’t want children.” She started to cry. “I love how much you love your son and I love how hard you’ve tried to come to terms with his death.”

  She took a deep breath, tried to stem the tears and only cried harder. She cried for all his pain and she cried for Timmy. She cried because she loved him and she cried because she’d been through three weeks of hell. She cried because although he’d come so far, she still didn’t think he was capable of returning her love. Lastly, she cried because she couldn’t help it.

  “It’s okay that you don’t love me,” she said between sobs, struggling to focus through her tears. “That you can’t love me back. I’m just happy that you’re willing to give your own life a second chance. I’m happy that you’re ready to move on.” She was happy for him. It didn’t mean her heart wasn’t shattering in her chest at the same time.

  She was a mess. Her nose ran, her mascara left smudges on her hand when she swiped uselessly at her tears, and her skin had turned all blotchy. It always did when she cried. She didn’t give a damn. She loved him and she wanted him to know.

  “I know I should be sorry I pushed you so hard, made you confront Timmy’s death.

  I’m not, because look at you. You’re…you’re getting better. You’re happier. I can’t be sorry for that. I won’t be.” She sniffed loudly. “Because I love you, and I want you to be happy.” She sniffed again and then again, and then she ran out of steam. “Because I love you.”

  She had to give herself credit. When she let go, she really had her say. No holding back for Lexi Tanner. Maybe one day she’d learn to think before she spoke but today wasn’t that day.

  Adam probably thought she was a stark raving lunatic. She thought she was a bit of a lunatic. She grabbed some tissues from her pocket and blew her nose noisily. Then she blotted her eyes, took a deep breath and drew her shoulders straight.

  “So.” She looked at Adam, saw his bemused face properly for the first time since she’d started crying. “As I said before, I’m not pregnant. You’re free of any responsibility. Thank you for buying the pregnancy test. As you can see, it’s not necessary.” She stood and headed for the door. “Perhaps I’ll see you at the press conference tomorrow?”

  He stood up too and caught her wrist as she walked past him. With a single tug, he spun her around and pulled her in, and before she knew what had happened she was in his arms.

  Then he kissed her.

  They’d shared some incredible moments before. This went beyond anything Lexi ever imagined. His mouth took possession of hers and proceeded to short-circuit every nerve synapse in her body. He held himself flush against her and usurped her senses.

  Sounds no longer made sense. Colors blurred together and massed behind her eyelids in a dazzling explosion of light. She was weightless, held down only by the intensity of his kiss and the emotion pouring through him.

  This moment wasn’t about passion. It wasn’t about need or lust or sex. It was about love, pure and simple. Adam loved her. He told her in the most effective way he knew how.

  She kissed him forever. She kissed him until the sweet joy of love mingled with the salty tang of tears and she realized she was crying again.

  She pulled away, wiped at her eyes and was stunned to find them dry.

  “They’re mine,” Adam whispered hoarsely, and she stared at the wet tracks running down his cheeks.

  “Oh, jeez, Adam, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

  He smiled at her through his tears, flashed her the traffic stopper. “I would have asked you to marry me, you know.”

  “What?” Her mind was on mental overload. She was processing too much information at once. She thought he’d just said he would have married her.

  “If you were pregnant. I planned on proposing.”

  He had said it. “Why?” she asked stupidly. “You don’t want to have more children.”

  She tried not to think about the cruel joke fate played on her. Dangling forever with Adam before her eyes and then snatching it away, all because she wasn’t pregnant. How fucked up was that?

  “Didn’t,” he corrected. “I didn’t want more, until I was confronted with the possibility that you might be pregnant.”

  “I don’t understand.” Her brain still malfunctioned from his kiss. She couldn’t think straight.

  He took her hand. “You screwed with my perceptions of reality, sweetheart. You changed me.”

  “Are you telling me you want to be a father again?” Lexi would never use the word incredulous in everyday conversation. Right now that was the only word that could adequately describe her state of mind.

  “Thinking you might be pregnant changed me. It made me sit up and seriously consider what it might be like to become a dad again. That’s when I knew I had to go to Perth, had to put my past to rest.” He lifted her arm, pressed a kiss on the inside of her wrist. “I’m not living in the past anymore. I’m living here, in the present, with you. In this reality, the biggest loss would be if I didn’t have more children.”

  She gaped at him.

  “In answer to your question, yes, Lexi, I want to be a father again, and more than that, I want to be a father to your children.”

  “Mine?” Damn, there went her ability to construct full sentences.

  “Yes, yours.” He frowned, clenched his jaw. “There’s something you should know.

  Something I’ve spent three weeks coming to terms with.” Guilt and remorse clouded his face. “That night, when we fought? I didn’t just forget to use condoms. I think that subconsciously I chose not to.”

  She gawked in disbelief. “Pardon me?” He’d put her through hell, blamed her for their joint mistake, charged her with trapping him with an unwanted pregnancy—wh
en all along he’d chosen not to use condoms?

  His eyes filled with shame. “I’ll understand if you hate me, my accusations against you were cruel and unfounded. If it makes you feel better, I didn’t sleep for days afterwards. I lay in bed at night thinking about what happened and wondering why I’d claimed you tried to trap me, when I clearly knew it was untrue.”

  Oh, she didn’t hate him. Not by a long shot. She loved him so much she thought she might burst from it. Still, his acknowledgement of her innocence went a long way to soothe her previous wrath.

  He took her hand, held it in his. “It took a while to see things clearly. For so long I’ve looked at the world and at my life with jaundiced eyes. After ten years of convincing myself I never wanted to marry again, suddenly there you were. Suddenly, against my will and my beliefs, I wanted a future with you. Longed for a future with you.”

  He took a deep breath. “But I equated that need with betrayal. I believed that in order to be with you, I had to give up my past, give up Timmy.” His voice caught. “I couldn’t do it, Lexi. I couldn’t betray him like that. He’s my son.” Tears shone in his eyes. “I wanted it. So damn much.” He paused, swallowed. “I think in the end, my need for you overrode my common sense, overrode my distorted loyalty to Timmy. I think I must have subconsciously concluded that if I made you pregnant by mistake, I wouldn’t have a choice in the matter. I’d have to marry you.”

  In a warped kind of a way, she was flattered. Working within his own emotional limitations, he’d devised a plan to be with her. A pretty screwed-up plan, but an effective one nevertheless. Without giving up his guilt, he’d tried to work her into his future. He’d almost destroyed their relationship in the process but at least he’d tried.

  “You’re saying you tried to trap me by getting me pregnant?”

  He gave her a half-smile. “Ironic, isn’t it.”

  Heartbreakingly.

  She didn’t want him on those terms. She didn’t want him to marry her because he had no choice. If she and Adam were ever to be together, it had to be because he loved her unconditionally—the same way she loved him. “It doesn’t matter where your future leads you, Adam. Timmy will always be a part of it. He’s a part of you.”