I fiddled with a few pendants of computer monitors and keyboards, but that just seemed silly to me. I wondered what Max might truly want—what he hoped for in the future. The more I wondered, the more it bothered me that I didn’t know these things right off the top of my head.
Would Michelle know? I sighed and shoved the thought down.
In the past—before we’d begun dating—I would have said that Max’s passion was spontaneity, never being held down, always free to explore his desires. But now that he was married, where did all of that passion go?
I picked up a silver ring that had wings etched into it. Something about the sight of it saddened me. Had I clipped Max’s wings? I set the ring down and looked through a few more items.
In the next few shops I looked at shirts, magazines, books, jewelry, and even video games. Nothing spoke to me of Max. I didn’t want to just buy him something, I wanted to buy him the right thing.
It occurred to me that since we were in London where he’d spent some of his youth, maybe I should purchase him something that honored that. I noticed a pendant on a thin silver chain. The pendant was in the shape of a tractor. I pictured giving him the necklace and the strange look I would receive. No, Max was not a farmer. I sighed as my frustration built.
Just as I was about to give up, I stopped in an eccentric shop that featured crystal balls and evil eyes. It was really just on a whim that I peeked at the jewelry under the glass countertop. The moment I saw it, I knew it was what I wanted.
The pendant was a winged dragon. The wings were outstretched and the head was raised as if prepared to take flight. Maybe I couldn’t figure out what Max’s passion was, but I did know that it was there. Maybe this would remind us both that it needed to take flight.
I purchased the necklace with some relief and some doubt. Would he even like it? Would he think it was a bit childish? I had no idea.
When I returned to the room, it surprised me that Max wasn’t there. Minutes turned into hours. I thought for sure he’d be back in time for dinner, but dinner came and went with no sign of him. I could have texted him, but that seemed a bit desperate to me.
So instead, I filled my mind with all the things that could be happening between him and Michelle. I sat on the edge of the bed and curled my hands around the hem of the comforter. There was no reason for me to be upset. I continued to repeat the words like a meditation mantra, but the words refused to sink in.
The more I thought it, the more upset I became. Another minute ticked by. Another breath left my lungs. Another image of Michelle and Max curled up together in a barn somewhere flashed through my mind.
With a jolt I stood up from the bed. I needed to find a way to distract myself. I picked up my book and started to look through the pages, but the words blurred. I looked at the clock again.
When I drew another breath I hoped that I could calm myself down before Max walked through the door. The last thing I wanted was to pounce on him with an over-the-top accusation.
When I heard the door handle turn, my heart jumped into my throat.
Chapter 20
Max stepped inside and closed the door behind him.
“Sammy, I didn’t expect you to be home.”
“You didn’t?” I raised an eyebrow. “Where else would I be this late?”
“I just thought you must be busy with Poppy. I mean, you didn’t text me all afternoon.”
“You didn’t text me either.”
He walked toward me to kiss me, but I turned my cheek instead. “I didn’t want to interrupt.” He frowned and looked into my eyes. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” I pulled away from him and sat down on the edge of the bed. “Did you have a good day?”
“It was nice.” He nodded and smiled a little. “It was good to see Michelle again.”
“I bet.” I grimaced as soon as I’d spoken. The words just flew out of my mouth as if spoken by someone else entirely.
“Sammy.” Max grabbed my hands and gave them a light squeeze. “You told me that you were fine with this.”
“I am. I was. I don’t know.” I closed my eyes. “I’m sorry.”
“Just tell me what’s going on.” He pulled me a little closer. “Are you upset with me?”
“I don’t know what I am.” I opened my eyes and sighed. “I don’t know what’s going on in my head or my heart. I know it’s not your fault.”
“That doesn’t tell me anything. Is it Michelle? Sammy, you know we’re only friends, right? And if it really bothers you, I don’t have to see her again while we’re here.”
“I can’t ask you to do that. You’re old friends. I know it’s not her fault either.”
“Then what’s going on? Sammy?” He paused a moment. “Can you look at me?”
I looked up at him as he requested, but regretted it the moment that I did. When I saw the hurt in his eyes, I knew I’d created it.
“I’m so sorry, Max. I keep trying to ignore these feelings, but they keep coming up.”
“Then there’s a reason for them. If I’ve made you feel insecure, I’m sorry.”
“You haven’t.” I shook my head. “You’ve been very open with me. I guess it’s just hard for me to think of you with your first love.”
“Ah, Sammy.” He sighed, then looked into my eyes. “You’re my only love. Don’t you know that?”
“I do. That’s why none of this makes sense.”
“Why don’t we just sleep on it?” He hugged me and kissed my cheek. “If in the morning you’re still worried, then we don’t have to see Michelle again.”
“Max, I don’t want that—”
“I’m not discussing it. You’re the most important person in the world to me, Sammy, and if it makes you uncomfortable that I spend time with Michelle, I’m not going to do it.”
“Like you said, let’s just sleep on it. I’m sure I’m just worn out from my exhausting day.”
“Did it go well?” He stretched out on the bed and patted the bed beside him.
“Better than I expected.” I nestled in beside him and reveled in the warmth of his arm around me. When I closed my eyes, I didn’t have a slew of fears race through my mind. Instead, all I knew was peace. Was I really so needy that Max had to physically be in the same room with me for me to trust him? I opened my eyes and looked into his. “I love you, Max.”
“I love you too, Sammy.” He kissed my forehead, then closed his eyes.
I watched him for some time as he rested, and wondered what thoughts might be on his mind. Did he think about our future? Did he ever consider the family we might have? Just when I thought I might be brave enough to ask him, he snored.
I laughed as quietly as I could and sprawled out beside him. Maybe the time wasn’t right to bring it up. Maybe all of the chaos inside me was more about what I wanted from my own future instead of what we might share. The book tour was great, but it wouldn’t last forever. What would come next?
The next day Max and I toured a lot of the same places that I’d checked out the day before. I kept to myself the fact that I’d already seen most of it. He was his usual loving self, stealing kisses and hugs whenever he could.
As the day progressed, I worried less about Michelle and thought more about the book signing that night. I took a moment at lunch to text Poppy.
How are you today?
A second later she texted me back.
Why did I think I could pull off something like this? What if no one shows up? Who even thinks of something like this? No one is going to get on stage and recite poetry!
I smiled as I texted her back.
It’s going to be wonderful. Plenty of people will show up. It’s a brilliant idea. I can’t wait to be part of it. Make sure you invite Robert.
“Who are you texting?” Max grinned as he leaned over my shoulder to take a peek.
“Poppy. She’s freaking out about tonight.”
“Really? I thought she always had everything planned out to perfection.”
“I guess it doesn’t matter how planned it is.” I glanced down at my phone as she texted me again.
Do you really think I should? What if he thinks I’m stalking him? We had a nice time at dinner, but that doesn’t mean we’re anything more than friends. Does it?
I shook my head as I remembered how on edge I had been whenever I wondered if a man truly wanted to date me. It was a terrible feeling.
Trust me, he wants to be more than friends. Invite him.
Chapter 21
I put down my phone after sending the text and looked into Max’s eyes. “So have you heard from Michelle today?”
“Yes, she texted me earlier.”
“Did you invite her to the signing tonight?”
“No. I thought maybe that wouldn’t be a good idea.”
“Max, I told you I was okay with it.”
“I know you did, but I still think it wouldn’t be a good idea. I’m looking forward to being there with you. I missed you yesterday.”
“I missed you too.”
He looked at my phone for a moment. “What’s that picture of?” He pointed to a picture I’d taken the day before.
I realized in that moment that I’d been caught in a lie.
“Oh, uh—I did some exploring yesterday.”
“I thought you were busy with Poppy all afternoon?”
“I was—until lunch.”
“Why didn’t you call me? You could have joined me and Michelle.”
“I thought you two should have some time together.”
“Sammy, I don’t need time with another woman. She’s just a friend and could be your friend too—if you’d let her.”
“Max, I just didn’t want to interrupt.”
“Hm.” He ran his finger across my phone to look at the other pictures. “So instead, you’ve been lying to me all day? Why?” He frowned.
“I just didn’t want to mention that I’d already seen some of these places. I didn’t want to ruin our day together.”
He sat back in his chair and narrowed his eyes. “Lying to me kind of does that, don’t you think?”
“Max, please.” I rolled my eyes. “It wasn’t a real lie.”
“Seriously?” He laughed. “I didn’t know there were fake ones.”
“I mean, it’s not like I was hiding something. I just didn’t mention it.”
“Alright.” He reached out and took my hand. “But you were hiding something. You were hiding the fact that you didn’t want to spend time with me and Michelle and also the fact that you’ve already been to half the places we’ve gone to today.”
“So?” I shrugged. “What’s the big deal?” I searched his eyes for an explanation.
“It’s not a big deal—at least not that part. The part where you feel the need to lie to me at all is the big deal.”
“Max, you’re making too much out of this.”
“I don’t think I am.” He shook his head.
“You are.” I stood up from the table. “We’d better head back so that I can change for tonight.”
“Sammy?” He caught my hand again and met my eyes.
“Yes?” I smiled at him.
“You can tell me anything, you know—anything.”
“I know.” I kissed his cheek.
We walked back to the Inn with silence between us. It was unusual. I liked to chat, he liked to tease. Quiet wasn’t our typical thing. But I didn’t know what to say. How could I explain what I felt about Michelle without insulting him or revealing that I might not trust him as much as I should? With Valentine’s Day the next day, I didn’t want to cause a fight.
Luckily, when we reached the Inn, there was a crowd there to distract us.
Max laughed at the long line of people that waited to touch the engraved initials.
“Look at these people. They really believe in all this.”
“What’s so wrong with it?” I shrugged. “Any little bit of luck when it comes to romance can be a very good thing.”
“Real romance doesn’t need luck.” He shook his head.
“You don’t think so?” I looked over at him.
“I mean, if you care about someone, then you care about them. It’s not about luck, it’s about chemistry and getting along. Right?” He smiled and kissed my cheek. “Chemistry and communication, baby, that’s all we need.”
“Don’t you think it’s a little more than that too? Like maybe fate plays a part in bringing the right people together?”
“I don’t know.” He led me through the crowd on the steps. “I’m not sure if I really believe in all that.”
“All of what?” I paused at the top of the steps.
“That one true love nonsense.” He frowned.
My breath left my body so fast that it was audible. Had he really just said that to me? It’s not as if I didn’t have that opinion myself at one time. But how could Max believe that? Did he think we just fit together well enough to get married? Was there truly no passion behind our marriage?
“Max, you don’t mean that, do you?”
“What? It’s too noisy out here. Let’s go inside.” He pulled me toward him just as a police officer rushed up the steps.
“Hey! None of that!” The officer pointed at a man bent over the railing as he attempted to carve something into it. “This is not your property!”
Max laughed again and steered me into the Inn.
The entire time we were in our room I wanted to bring up the topic again, but the truth was, I was a little afraid to hear the answer. What I really wanted was for Max to have a different answer. But was that just me being prideful? I wanted to be his one and only, and if he didn’t truly believe that was possible, could he still be interested in someone else?
There wasn’t much time to dwell on the disturbing thoughts I was now having. I had to rush to change and get ready for the book signing.
By the time we left, it felt awkward to bring it up again. I decided to let it go for the night and focus on the book signing.
Chapter 22
When we arrived at the bookstore, Poppy greeted me with a tight smile.
“Everything’s fine, that’s what I keep telling myself.”
“Did something go wrong?” I met her eyes.
“Not really. I just haven’t heard back from Robert.” She bit her lip. “I guess maybe I shouldn’t have invited him.”
“I’m sure he’s just too busy to get back to you right now. Try not to worry about it, Poppy.”
“I’ll try.” She glanced at her watch. “Oops, time to get up there and introduce you. Are you ready for this?”
“I think so.” I smiled.
“I know so.” Max kissed my cheek and then gave me a hug. “Good luck, you’ll do great.”
“Thanks, Max.” I kissed him back, then followed after Poppy as she headed to the small stage in the back of the shop.
She walked up to the microphone with a wide smile.
“Hello, everyone, and welcome to our speed dating poetry slam. Now you may wonder how we came up with this idea. Since I knew we’d have the honor of hosting a great writer so close to Valentine’s Day, I wanted to come up with a way to mesh the idea of creative writing with the idea of romance. Perhaps it doesn’t happen so often any more, but romance has a long tradition of being intertwined with poetry.
“So this evening each of you will have an opportunity to mingle, then if you’d like to come to the microphone and offer your own brief overture to the date of your choice, you can. At the end of the evening, our judges will select a winner of the poetry contest and that winner will receive a fully paid fantasy date for Valentine’s Day. To get those creative juices flowing, Samantha is going to read us a passage from her book. Samantha?” She smiled and applauded as I approached from across the stage.
“Thank you, Poppy. I think this is the best idea I’ve come across in a long time. Words can really convey love and affection. When you think about it, everything we say can be a bit like a poem—when
we’re speaking from our hearts to those we care about. I hope this passage can give you some inspiration for your own poetry.”
As I read the passage, I noticed that the people in the audience seemed to already be connecting. Many spoke in quiet tones to one another. Some just held hands, while others’ eyes met across the room. The next day was Valentine’s Day and the bookstore was buzzing with anticipation for it.
I looked for Max and spotted him seated in the back of the room. He toyed with his phone while I finished the passage. As applause filled the room I noticed he didn’t clap. It wasn’t as if he had to. He went to every single one of my book signings. This was routine for him. But the fact that he didn’t bother to look up from his phone made me wonder just who he might be talking to. Was it Michelle?
The thought made my voice catch in my throat. I waved to the audience instead of speaking and walked over to the judges’ table. Music filled the shop. People had the opportunity to move from table to table in an attempt to get to know as many people as possible. Every time the buzzer went off, those at the tables switched.
I smiled to myself as I remembered my own attempt at speed dating. A sense of relief anchored itself within me as I realized that I’d never have to do that again. I would never have to worry about being alone on a holiday again. Even if Max and I were apart for some reason, we wouldn’t be alone.
As the night continued, I noticed a latecomer. Poppy noticed him too and waved to Robert as he approached her. I watched as the two smiled at one another and exchanged nervous small talk. It was beautiful.
The buzzer sounded again and Poppy walked up to the microphone.
“Alright, everyone, that’s it for the speed dating portion of the evening. I truly hope you found someone that you connected with. Remember, finding love means taking a risk.” She looked over at me and winked, then she turned back to the audience and continued. “Now, no one is required to come up here and recite poetry. But if you want a chance at winning the heart of someone you connected with, or a chance at winning the all-expenses-paid perfect Valentine’s Day date, then you have one hour to come up here and give it a shot. Thanks, everyone!”
Sammy in England (Single Wide Female Travels #4) Page 7
