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by Lynn Rider

  “What the fuck, Amber?” Austin says, making his way toward me. Rob tenses, but doesn’t say anything.

  “This is my boss!”

  His eyes fill with remorse as his shoulders slouch.

  “Robert Ott,” Rob says, extending his hand.

  “Austin Harris. I’m really sorry,” he says apologetically as they shake.

  I look around and see Mr. Holt taking action to clear the spectators. I instantly jump into action, knowing that is what I should have been doing rather than adding my own drama to an already messed up situation.

  “Whoa! Where are you going?” Rob says, pulling me to him. “Are you okay, Flower?” he asks soothingly. “God, I was worried when Matt called. We couldn’t get here fast enough,” he whispers, pulling me against his body.

  “I’m sorry, Rob,” I say, trying to control my sobs.

  “Quit saying that. That girl had a history of drug abuse.”

  “What do you mean had?” I say, pulling away.

  “She’s dead, Amber…”

  My eyes flit to Austin’s and he’s as white as a sheet. I break from Rob’s loose hold and go to Austin. “I’m so sorry, Aus,” I say, coiling my arms around him.

  As I cry, I wonder who is comforting who in this moment.

  Austin…

  I stand among the mourners, keeping my head low to avoid the long lenses that I know are capturing every morbid moment of her funeral. It’s only been two days since her death and here we stand, almost like they expected it. Her mother’s devastated cries of grief carry with the wind while her father stands unemotional as her casket is lowered into the ground. They say everyone mourns differently.

  I guess that’s the case.

  He’s probably wondering how he’s going to replace his bread ticket. Katelyn has been his cash cow since he first pushed her into the industry at the age of four. Unlike me, she never held aspirations for this life. She didn’t have a choice. He made the decision for her, making it all she ever knew.

  “You ready, Aus?” Dave whispers, pulling me from my thoughts. I look around noticing most people are gone from the gravesite and getting in their cars. I nod as we walk toward the street.

  “You okay?” Dave asks once we’re seated in the SUV.

  “Yeah. Life is precious.” I sigh resting my head against the seat.

  “That it is,” he says with the same deflated sigh. He starts the engine and silently drives out of the cemetery.

  “Fucking dirt balls,” I mumble as we pass a couple of photographers standing outside the exit leaning against their car. They raise their cameras, catching probably a hundred photos of us pulling out.

  “Yeah, they are. You talked to Amber?”

  My heart clenches with his question. I stayed in Seattle the day after Katelyn’s overdose, making sure she was okay. I left as soon as she insisted she was okay and wanted to go back to work.

  “No,” I mutter, knowing the lecture that will surely ensue.

  “Austin, don’t fuck this up. You have a way of self-destructing and I see it happening.” He warns with his deep, authoritative voice. I glance in his direction but say nothing. “I’m serious, Austin. You two are in a good place and this time she’s willingly there with you. She trusts you man.”

  That’s all he has to say to make me feel like a bigger piece of shit. He’s right. She does trust me. Surprisingly it has only taken me months to earn that back.

  “She’s too good for me,” I say quietly.

  “You just catching up?” he asks wryly.

  I close my eyes, signaling I’m done with this conversation. I have a tour to think about.

  “Fuck, man. You’re like a rock group all on your own,” Kyle says when I walk into his kitchen.

  “What are you talking about?”

  Kyle walks over to the table and picks up a stack of tabloids. He tosses them on the counter, scattering them across the surface. My heart stutters. The pages are filled with pictures of me and Katelyn in comparison to Amber alone with Sophia.

  “Have you talked to her?” Kelly asks sternly, and I wonder if she knows how limited our conversations have been since I left her four days ago.

  “A little while ago. She was heading into work,” I say distantly as I read the headlines.

  ‘Unidentified Woman Identified’

  ‘Austin’s Baby Mama Demands MILLIONS!’

  ‘Austin loses the love of his life’

  I stop reading after that one punches me in the gut. I’m going to lose Amber… and Sophia. A tightening in my throat and chest forms, making it hard to breathe.

  “You left her alone during this shit storm? Jesus, she probably has photographers on her every move. You’re such a selfish prick!” Kelly stands. “I’m going to pack a bag. If he isn’t going to be there, I sure the fuck am,” she mutters on her way out of the room.

  My gaze lifts to meet Kyle’s and for the first time ever I see judgment. “What am I supposed to do? We go on tour next week. She won’t move here. She stopped me from buying a house there and doesn’t want to hear about a bodyguard?” I ask defensively.

  “I don’t know, Aus, but this isn’t it.” His gaze drops to the scattered papers on the counter.

  “I was waiting for her to want to be with me. I was hoping she’d move without this happening,” I respond tersely.

  “Well, too late. You need to stop letting her decide what’s best and just do it, man. Where’s the fucking Austin that I know?”

  Amber…

  I see a photographer outside of Sophia’s school and my gut tightens when I notice it’s the same man who was looking for the restaurant in the hotel. He points his camera my direction and I press the accelerator, hoping the school heeds my instruction to keep Sophia inside at all times. The paparazzi have only gotten worse since Katelyn’s death at the hotel. They sit outside, lined up across the street with cameras, ready to capture any detail of anyone they may find interesting. I thought it would die off after the funeral, but it only seems to have sparked their interest in me.

  I haven’t mentioned anything to Austin. Not that he’d listen anyway. He seems so distracted each time we talk. Actually, we don’t talk. I tell him about Sophia each day and he listens. He insists he’s fine when I ask, but he’s not. It’s been close to a week since he left, and in less than a week he’ll kick off his tour in St. Louis.

  Cameras lift when I pull through the narrow entrance for employees behind the hotel. The Stanford’s security wards off their advances, but I know they’re not missing any shots with their high-powered lenses. Matt and I trade morning pleasantries as he meets me at my car and ushers me to the door. He’s become very protective of me since that day, and given the circumstances in my life right now, I’m thankful.

  I notice the photographers still lined up out front as I make my way through the lobby. Katherine’s on the phone but gives a sympathetic smile as I pass to my office. The extra hours and hassle of coming in each day is wearing on her, and I can’t stop feeling guilty about that. Whether Katelyn chose to overdose or not will never be answered, but she did choose this hotel, and she did so because of me and my connection to Austin.

  “Good Morning, Flower,” Rob says, startling me when I walk into my office.

  “You scared me,” I say with a smile.

  “Sorry, Katherine knows I’m here. I thought she would have told you,” he says apologetically with a hug.

  “She was on the phone. How’s your jaw?”

  He waves his hand casually as he slides into a chair opposite the desk. “It’s fine. It’ll be a fun story to tell my grandkids one day. My first punch to the face was by the infamous Austin Harris.” He chuckles.

  “I know I’ve said it and Austin’s said it, but I truly am sorry. So much was going on that day. Dave had just kicked out a paparazzo.”

  “Amber, it’s fine. Nice to know he can protect you. How are you?”

  I sigh heavily, trying to control my emotions. Losing the battle, I nod,
unable to speak for the lump that’s rooted firmly in my throat.

  “Come here.” He stands and wraps me in his arms as I cry.

  “I’m sorry, Rob.”

  “It’s okay, Amber. The hazards of dating a rock star,” he teases with a smile. “Now tell me how you’re feeling.” He sits back down.

  I fill him in on the situation Austin and I have found ourselves in, and every emotion and every fear caused by it.

  “Do you think he’ll use again?” he asks when I finish.

  “No.” A slow smile forms on his lips when I answer without hesitation. “I decided months ago that I can’t be with him if I worry every time he hits a bump in life that he’ll disappoint Sophia and me by using. I love him, and he promised me he wouldn’t, and he hasn’t given me any reason to doubt him.”

  “It’s a legitimate question, and a very real possibility for a recovering addict,” he says with a tilt of his head.

  “I want to spend the rest of my life with him. There’s no other option for me, Rob. Austin’s always owned my heart and soul, so if he veers off course, I’ll be here this time,” I say confidently.

  “Well, then maybe the timing of what I have to say won’t come as too big of a hit.” His voice carries a sad undertone, causing my stomach to tighten with the catch of my breath. “I need you to take some time off, effective immediately. I’m sorry, Flower. It’s for the best. You have some things you need to work out anyway.”

  “Am I being fired?”

  “No!” He pauses with the softening of his features. “No, Amber, we’re not firing you. We’d never fire you.”

  “Rob, I’m fine. Katelyn’s lifeless body still haunts me, but I’ve come to terms with her suicide. Austin helped me to understand,” I plead desperately. “I can’t leave all this shit for Katherine to sort out alone.”

  “Amber, I applaud your strength. Believe me, it’s one of the many reasons I love you so much. But honestly, this is as much to do with the hotel as it is about your welfare. You need time to heal, and the hotel needs to go back to normal. That’s not going to happen with you here every day. Those photographers out front each day are here for you, not because some actress overdosed.”

  “What will I do?” I whisper.

  “You’ll take the time off to figure out where you and Sophia belong. There’s a rock star in New York who throws one hell of a right hook who wants nothing more than his family with him. I’m putting you on a three-month leave of absence. You’ll keep your salary and benefits,” he says as he stands. “I hope you don’t hate me. Use your time wisely to figure out where you go from here.”

  He presses a kiss to the top of my head before turning on his heel and walking out.

  Austin…

  I wake up in the oversized chair in Sophia’s room for the fifth morning in a row. I don’t know why I do this to myself. I’m a fucking hypocrite. Shutting Amber out each day and then sulking in here each night. What the fuck is wrong with me? I need to get it together before I lose her. She hasn’t specifically said it, but I know she feels my distance.

  My phone vibrates across the dresser and lights up the near dark room. I lift the screen, prepared to ignore the call, when I see Amber’s name and picture fill the small display.

  “Hey!” I answer.

  “Hey, did I wake you?” Her soft voice fills the line, and for a second I allow myself to imagine I’m there with her.

  “No, I was up. Got a few radio stops today.”

  “I wanted to wish you luck. I know you don’t like those because of the randomness of the questions,” she explains thoughtfully, citing me almost word for word.

  “Why are you up so early?” I ask, ignoring her comment.

  “I just told you.” She laughs softly.

  God, she’s trying and I’m a fucking asshole. I take a deep breath. “Oh, is Sophia up?”

  “No.” I hear a deep sigh that sounds of defeat. “Are you okay? Are we okay?”

  “Yes, how many times do I need to tell you that?” I snap. She asks me every damn day. “I’m fine,” I say softly, realizing what I prick I am.

  “Austin, each day you say you’re fine, we’re fine, but it doesn’t feel that way.”

  “What do you want me to say, Amber?”

  “I want you to talk to me. Stop thinking you’re protecting me when all it’s doing is hurting me. We’re not fine and we both know it.” I sigh heavily, not knowing how to respond. “I lost my job yesterday. They pushed me out with a pseudo leave of absence. Apparently, the toxic formula of Amber and Austin isn’t good for business.” Her attempt at casualness is lost through the pain of the reality that accompanies those words.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “I want you to be able to talk to me. I need you to talk to me. You’re not the same Austin. I want to help.” She pleads.

  “Amber my friend died. A friend that when I met her was so lost in her own world that I didn’t think rehab was going to save her. As time went on, a beacon of light shone until it was so bright, it drew the attention of others. The transformation I witnessed made me want to see that in others and selfishly I grew strength in that.”

  “Austin, that’s not selfishness-”

  “Amber I promised her I’d be there for her. That she could count on me. I was her last call… her last five fucking calls. I told her I would be there for her, but I wasn’t.” My voice wrapped with only a fraction of the defeat I feel.

  “Austin, please don’t blame yourself. That’s not fair. She was an addict, Austin, not a recovering one.”

  “Her weak, lost voice plays over and over,” I say, closing my eyes reliving the sound of her voice in her messages. I can’t escape them.

  “Austin, delete the messages.”

  “I don’t have to play them. They’re in my head.”

  “Austin, you need to talk to someone. Please.”

  Her begging is almost my undoing. I can’t take it anymore. “Am, I need to go. Kyle’s gonna be here in thirty.”

  “What’s up?” I ask when I open the door.

  “Why don’t you tell me, little brother?”

  I slam the door and walk by him, sparing him no comment as I plop my body on the couch and grab the remote.

  “You gonna just sit here?” Ashton asks, looming over the couch with his hands on his sides.

  “What do you want me to say, Ash? That I’m going out of my fucking mind trying to process everything I feel? That I told a friend she could count on me and then I wasn’t there in her darkest hour? That I’m pushing Amber and my daughter away because they deserve better? That they deserve someone less tainted? Will that make you happy?”

  “That would be a start. But, Aus, none of that is true.” His tone softens as he slides in the chair. “Having feelings, good or bad, is part of life, bro. You need to let it out.”

  “I thought I just did,” I say dryly.

  “You’re talking to the wrong person. Amber needs to hear this. She doesn’t know which way is up right now.”

  “And you would know this how?” I ask sarcastically.

  “Meagan called her. She was worried about all the tabloids she keeps seeing. The tabloids you didn’t prepare her for.”

  “I know. Add that to my list of regrets, okay?”

  “You need to fix this.” He stands and walks to the door. “I suggest you get off your ass and find a way.”

  He slams the door on his way out.

  Amber…

  I pace the small square room and count the checkerboard-patterned linoleum. There are forty-six black and only forty-two white. Not sure how that works out to achieve the correct pattern but it does and I know it’s right—I’ve counted them three times. I stop and look at the angles of the room, then inwardly groan at the absurdity of my concern.

  Ashton thought it would be best that I wait in here so that I don’t hear too much. He’s worse than Austin with his protective streak. But I agreed and now I’m going crazy. Austin should be here any minute
if not already.

  He’s two days from having to be in St. Louis. Two days from starting his six-month tour. Hopefully, today goes according to plan. Ashton seems to think it was brilliant, jumping into action as soon as I called him. Nadene was eager to help. Said it was the least she could do for the countless hours Austin’s spent here volunteering; hours he seems to have forgotten. Whether he likes it or not, we’re here to remind him.

  I pace another five laps before the sound of the door stops me mid-stride.

  “You ready?” Ashton asks, packing so much confidence in those two little words. How can he be so confident?

  I nod with a hard swallow as I follow him into the hall.

  “It’s going to be fine. If this doesn’t work, I’ll kick his ass,” he says, bearing the same cocky grin he shares with Austin.

  Seeing it sends a rush of sadness over me. I haven’t seen Austin’s grin in a week, a very long week full of worry and emotion. My steps work double-time to keep up with Ashton as he leads the way through the community center.

  “Thank you, Amber. Thank you for not running—for caring enough about him. I could see him slowly slipping and I was powerless to help him. I really think this is going to work, and I’ll be forever grateful to you when it does.”

  Tears prick my eyes with a subtle burn. I swallow hard, trying not to lose it before it even begins. “I’ll never run again, Ashton. I know the man he is and the one he’s trying to be. That hasn’t changed in all the years I’ve known him. I may have lost sight of that in the past, but this time is different. I’m here for him today, always and forever.”

  “You ready to do this?” he asks, pleased with my response.

  I take a deep breath, pushing aside the emotions. I know my smile is unsure, but he accepts it and gently pulls the door.

  When the door opens, I’m reminded of the day Sophia was conceived, this being the very room where that day started close to a year and a half ago. My breath catches at the number of people who occupy the small room. Nadene said she’d get a few people together to remind him of the impact he’s had, but I never dreamed there would be this many.