by Neil Zawacki
guarantee a trippy dance party.
quick party recipes Your guests are likely to be hungry from a long day of looting and pillaging, so you’d best prepare some dishes to quell their monstrous appetities.
When it comes to hors d’oeuvres, the more fetid, the better.
finger foods
Human fingers
Saltine crackers
Cheese
Garnish
These are quite easy. Simply place the fingers on saltines and stick pieces of cheese between them. Add a bit of garnish, and you’ve got a tasty treat that can’t be beat!
shish kebabs
One pixie or wood sprite
Fresh vegetables
Barbeque sauce
Chop the pixie into approximately eight pieces, and then place the bits between vegetables on a shish kebab skewer. Douse in barbecue sauce, grill over a fire for ten minutes, and enjoy!
cocktails
1 ounce gin
1 ounce brandy
1 ounce type O blood
Splash of lemon juice
Find a mixing glass and fill it to the brim with ice. Pour in gin, brandy, and blood, and then shake thoroughly until properly mixed. Add lemon juice, and your guests won’t be able to get enough of this delicious drink!
Scheduling
evil day planner Many villains suffer from an inability to keep their lives in order. Appointments are forgotten, dinner dates put off, masquerade balls left unattended. It’s hard to conquer the world and still have a life, so it is highly suggested you obtain a day planner. With one of these withered books by your side, you’ll be able to keep your social calendar full and nary forget an evil deed again!
MONDAY
8:00 AM • Weekly meeting with minions
11:00 AM • Call realtor
Noon • Lunch at cemetery
4:00 PM • Dentist appt.
6:00 PM • Paintball!
TUESDAY
9:00 AM • Restock poison supply
Noon • Therapy appt.
2:00 PM • Photocopy taxes
3:00 PM • Free Ebola monkey from cage
5:00 PM • “Grocery” shopping
WEDNESDAY
9:00 AM • Pick up dry cleaning
3:00 PM • Drop mom off at senior center
5:00 PM • Drain moat
6:00 PM • Start the BBQ
8:00 PM • Dinner with Dark Lord
THURSDAY
10:00 AM • Overthrow peace process
2:00 PM • Get tires rotated
4:00 PM • Attend “Building a Better You” seminar
9:00 PM • Create life in basement
FRIDAY
8:00 AM • Monthly report due
10:00 AM • Call Bob re: lawnmower
3:00 PM • Replace boss with pod person
5:00 PM • Buy lottery ticket!!!
8:00 PM • Disco dance party
SATURDAY
8:00 AM • Step aerobics with Vicky
10:00 AM • Clean dungeon
2:00 PM • Pay bills
3:00 PM • Reorganize record collection
Midnight • Unspeakable ritual of spooky doom
SUNDAY
10:00 AM • Visit Aunt Nancy (pick up mail)
Noon • Do Laundry
3:00 PM • Beach volleyball tournament
5:00 PM • Twirl mustache
8:00 PM • TV time—America’s Funniest Home Videos!
Many villains and villainesses lack the necessary
social niceties to find romance.
Dating
Every Warlord needs his Vice-Partner, and every Sorceress Queen needs her Prince Consort. Sadly, however, many villains and villainesses lack the necessary social niceties to find romance. They don’t know what wilted flowers to send or what sweet nothings to hiss, and so spend their lives alone and bitter. For you, however, that’s all about to change.
how to get a date Walk an interesting pet creature at the dog park or go to the local hideout and look around. Could any fiends you encounter be a future spouse? There’s only one way to find out!
This is the point at which many evil-doers experience jitters. You can defy all that is good and right without breaking a sweat, but as soon as you get a whiff of the right pheromones you turn to jelly. Well, buck up. Here are a few opening lines that should help:
“Is it infernally hot in here, or is it just you?”
“Your eyes are like two lurid pools of oil-slicked water!”
“What a gruesome furry beast you’ve got on that leash!”
“I really like your costume (jumpsuit, tail, pointy fingernails, sharpened teeth, fright wig, neck bolts, whatever)!”
“That cat-o-nine-tails would look perfect on my dungeon floor.”
“Want to blow up the world together?”
Compliment their looks, brains, vehicle, army of trained spiders, or other pets, and then take a deep breath and ask your love-prey out. The worst that can happen is rejection, or being turned to stone.
looking your best So you’ve got a date with the sorceress down the block, and you think you’re ready to go. Hold on a moment …You’re not going out like that, are you?
You’ll want to start by choosing an outfit. We suggest wearing all jet black or blood red, although tombstone gray will work if you’re a winter. Don’t go casual—you want to make a wicked impression here. As for accessories, chains are always a nice touch, as are evil amulets and charms. Avoid anything with jagged spikes until you know each other better, as they may impale your date and bring the night to a quick end.
Grooming should be next on your list. What hairstyle suits you best—oily, stringy, or snakes? All are fine choices. Need to remove any tattoos that have lost their pizzazz? Do so without pause.
Dental hygiene is also very important, so be sure to brush those fangs! Back and forth, left and right, and then back and forth again. You will also want to pay attention to any claws and horns, as they tend to attract grime and mildew.
On a side note, it is probably not wise to trust any magic mirrors you might possess. They have a tendency to claim that you are the fairest of them all, but we all know they’re suck-ups and outright liars. Trust your own instincts.
You’ll want to start by choosing an outfit.
On the first date you will make your impression and determine
the possibility of any future relationship.
the first date The time has come for your first date. This may seem like a terrifying endeavor, for it is here you will make your first impression and determine the possibility of any future relationship. But there’s no need to get hysterical, so put down that noose and get ready to make this a night you won’t forget.
Start by meeting your date and heading somewhere romantic. A popular eatery is best. Engage him or her or it in conversation, talking about any villages you’ve recently conquered or dead bodies you’ve managed to successfully reanimate. A quick joke is also recommended to break the tension. Try the one about the happy pixie and the exceptionally large mallet.
When it’s time to order dinner, suggest a lovely toad stew or scorpions sautéed in a blood sauce. Engage in conversation, and try to show interest. Ask about work, family, what schooling he or she or it has in the black arts. If at any point you have to go to the bathroom, excuse yourself quietly and make sure your hair/face/pseudopods haven’t smudged.
After dinner take in a show—mayhap a supernatural comedy, or a nice, light slasher flick. As an alternative you can always go to an all-night cybercafé and wreak havoc together. Your date will laugh and cheer, and as the night nears its end you’ll know you’ve made a devilishly good impression.
It’s now time for the final part of the evening: the good-night kiss. Don’t be scared. Give it all you’ve got and let him or her or it know how much you’ve enjoyed his or her or its company. Who knows? If you’re lucky, you might be invited in for a sordid night of passion. (Warning: Dates with giant prayi
ng mantises tend to end with your head being bitten off, so watch yourself.)
keeping the romance alive After you’ve been dating a villain or villainess for a while, you may notice that the romance starts to wane. It’s just not the same as it was before. Your Ice Queen doesn’t seem as interested in oppressing the masses or casting arcane spells. Your ogre doesn’t relish your Englishman flambé like he used to. Don’t despair. The misanthropy and bad taste that once bound you two together can be revived with a jolt of imagination. You need to make an effort or you may lose your significant other completely.
Gifts are an excellent way to sweeten a fading toxic relationship. Nothing says “I adore you” like a still-beating heart, or that cursed idol you discovered on your last trip to Lemuria. Choose something long-lasting, such as a new depleted-uranium drawing-and-quartering set, or maybe an antique iron maiden.
Trips to exotic lands are another possibility. Transylvania is always a popular getaway, especially if you prefer mountainous border regions where you two can rub shoulders with bloodsuckers. The lost continent of Atlantis is fun for snorkeling, or if you’ve grown gills, and it’s still full of loot for tomb robbers. If you’re low on cash you can opt for a romantic weekend instead, staying at the local haunted bed-and-breakfast or Gothic cemetery. The Travel section of this book offers more details if this is the path you choose.
Grand gestures, however, are probably your best bet. There’s little that will cause a heart to swoon more than discovering that someone has taken over the world for you.
Nothing says “I adore you” like a still-beating heart.
To ease the pain of rejection, turn your former love into a toad.
methods for dealing with rejection Sad to say, sometimes the person you love loves you not. Your main squeeze goes for someone with more suckers or bigger tentacles, or she dumps you for a usurping despot. She just can’t see past the horns to the real you, preferring a fish-man instead. Well, it’s time to grab a moldy handkerchief and wipe away those crocodile tears, because there are a few things you can do to ease away the humiliation:
Turn your former love into a toad.
Lock yourself in a tower of despair for several years and learn to play the violin.
Have your henchmen cheer you up with a catchy song-anddance routine.
Crack all the mirrors in your house so your self-image improves.
Unleash your armies of destruction upon the world.
Write lots of Goth poetry and self-publish.
6
Travel
Feeling a bit run down lately? It’s probably because you haven’t taken a vacation in eons! Even the most vigorous villain needs a break now and then, and a trip to someplace new does wonders for the soul (or empty pit, where it used to reside). Set some time aside, check the travel brochures, and get ready to enjoy an evil vacation. Go ahead—get lost.
Your Dream (or Nightmare) Vacation
packing for the trip The amount of luggage you will need depends upon your length of stay. If it’s going to be just a few days, you can probably survive on one bag. Any longer, however, and you’ll want one coffin for clothes and one for supplies, plus a magic expanding portmanteau to hold all your souvenirs. Be sure to pack the following:
clothing Don’t hesitate to bring your best duds, be they wizard’s robes, a straightjacket, or black spiked battle armor. Swimwear and flippers are also recommended.
identification You’ll need your various passports to get through customs, but if you’re on the run just bring your invisibility juice.
camera So you can relive meeting your favorite dictator or the King of the Zombies.
toiletries Your vacation won’t be much fun if you don’t have a way to maintain your claws and fangs.
sunscreen Essential if you are undead, or if you have not seen the light of day in fifty years.
spellbook Always good for a little light reading. Try out some new curses on the locals!
rooms and lodging Comfortable lodging with plenty of privacy is the key to a successful vacation. Time and time again villains just take the first hotel available, not realizing they’ve chosen a fleabag or, horror of horrors, a bed-and-breakfast. You’ll want to examine your options beforehand, using the phone book, the Internet, and any flying monkeys at your disposal to determine your potential stay’s quality.
Once you find a place that fits your needs, you will have to consider the price. Even if you can’t afford it, there is no reason you can’t stay at a four-skull hotel. You’ll just need to barter with the management, pointing out the leaks, the smells, and the fact that you have a very large battle-ax in your hand.
It should be noted that all of this is moot if you don’t bother to make a reservation first. You never know when the galactic warlords conference is coming into town, so be sure to contact the hotel well in advance.
Horror of horrors, a bed-and-breakfast.
avoiding tourist traps Something to keep in mind as you travel the spooky world is that not every tourist spot is genuine. There are quite a few scams out there, nefarious outfits that trick villains into paying hard-earned funny money to see the largest werewolf in the Midwest when it’s really just a hairy man in a mullet.
The best way to prevent such debacles is to investigate tourist sites before you go. See what previous visitors have to say about the Most Gangrenous Mummy Wraps in Minnesota. Was the tomb rot authentic? Did they leave feeling genuinely cursed? Do your homework.
Should you follow this advice and still run across a tourist trap, the entire day needn’t be ruined. You can still enjoy it “ironically,” as the hipsters do. Point and laugh and the loser tourists will think it’s all real. Pose for cheesy photos with your face grinning through a hole. Buy a “My dad went to the haunted tar pits and all I got was this lousy T-shirt” T-shirt and you’ll laugh and hiss about your misadventure for years to come.
going through customs When traveling between countries you will have the inevitable problem of dealing with customs agents. You can’t simply enter a foreign power with a lethal man-eating plant—that thing might have fruit flies. Customs is certainly a hassle, but there are some things you can do to make the experience easier.
Travel under the name of someone less likely to be hassled, like the pope.
Learn ahead of time which doomsday devices are prohibited on the flight.
Pay a special fee to bring your robotic gorilla on board.
Send any questionable objects via winged demon instead.
Bribe troublesome custom officials with desirable items in your luggage—painkillers, contraband endangered species, dragon bone aphrodisiacs.
Shout, “What’s that?” and make a run for it.
Drink your invisibility potion and simply walk through the line.
what to do if you lose your luggage It’s a situation every evildoer fears: You’re vacationing in another dimension when some foul miscreant distracts you and steals your luggage. It’s a terrible misfortune, but it doesn’t have to end with your lifelong slavery as a dishwasher.
First, you’ll need to call home immediately. Instruct your henchmen to send a replacement coffin, change of clothes, chest of gold, toothbrush, and so on. You will then need to obtain some cash for the interim, so try regaling the locals with tales of your supreme might before begging them for quarters. If that fails, break-dance. You should earn enough to get by until your luggage arrives.
Bear in mind that you can prepare for such occurrences by taking security precautions ahead of time. Lock your suitcase tight, and booby-trap it with pepper spray and slime. You can also train “alligator” luggage to devour anyone who opens it without authorization. You may lose your bags, but the thief will lose limbs.
Losing your luggage: It’s a terrible misfortune, but it doesn’t
have to end with your lifelong slavery as a dishwasher.
Destinations
dark castles Some of the most popular destinations for villains are dark castles
and impregnable fortresses. These towers of unending sorrow provide nothing but horror for the locals— what a wonderful spot to hang your hat for a bit! They house all manner of musty rooms and secret passages, and their armies of destruction can usually be rented for a modest fee. You can also often find old ghosts within who will gladly tell their tales of betrayal, and whose spinning-head tricks are sure to entertain the kids, if this is a family vacation. Put this unholy spot on your itinerary today!
spooky forests You may want to consider visiting the forests of the wild while on your vacation. Deep woods are traditional for dark rituals (that’s why competing villains posing as self-righteous timber barons want to turn forests into coffin planks). Headless horsemen can be conjured up to provide ample atmosphere. Frightening campers is a great diversion, and any will-o’-the-wisps are sure to provoke interesting conversation. Many forests even contain gingerbread houses, a tasty source of food and good place to drop off the kids for the day.
universities For nostalgia’s sake, why not stop by your alma mater? You can sit in on a class of Necromancy 101, join the hazing of criminal masterminds, mentor undergrads to sell their souls to the military-industrial machine, and attend a keg party of the local mad-scientist fraternity. This is also an excellent opportunity to put on the black and blue again, cheering for the Screaming Vultures as you pelt the opposing team with rotten eggs. Go, team!
Towers of unending sorrow are a wonderful spot to hang your hat for a bit!
tombs You’ll also be sure to want to check out any local graveyards while on vacation. You can take a nap in one of the more luxurious coffins, or dig up an old friend to chat awhile. Just remember to respect the local undead, as those zombies and ghouls were here before you and you’re traipsing on their turf. In faraway lands there’s nothing quite like appreciating the architecture of ancient tombs, and dodging the slicing blades and pit traps that come with the territory.
