Becoming More

by Lane, Bayli

  Now I realize it wasn’t just my body that was stunned into stillness. No, it was my mind and my heart too.

  There’s something absolutely terrifying about that realization… the realization that someone can take over my thoughts so completely, that someone can snatch up a place in my heart before I even know his name. I’m not willing to call it love. That would be crazy. I don’t believe in love at first sight. Hell, I don’t even believe in love at first month. A person has to really know someone in order to love them. The person has to know their likes, their dislikes, their faults, what they are good at, how they react to certain circumstances; the person must know how the other feels towards them. A person needs to watch them, to get a feel for them, and know that when shit hits the fan that person is still going to be standing beside them. A person has to know if the other will pick you up when they fall and can’t pick themselves back up. Will they wrap them into their arms securely when everything and everyone else is shoving them away? Will they be their laughter when all they feel like doing is crying?

  These are all things I’m still trying to learn about from Colton. They are things I once knew about Sander and am fighting to relearn. But when I was lying there last night with that feeling one gets when someone starts to really like another… I felt bodiless.

  I have the strangest sensations in my limbs, specifically in the pit of my stomach. There’s a constant feeling of not being able to breathe when he isn’t near me—like my body is starting to starve when he isn’t around. I crave to just be close to him. I fought that stupid little grin expanding across my face, but it just wouldn’t go away.

  I can still feel the way his fingers trailed up and down my neck and shoulder. I’m not even sure if he realized he was doing it.

  I remember the way my head laid against his chest and moved up and down with every breath he took. I started to become satiated with the nearness. Finally getting a taste of the closeness I’d been secretly yearning for, even against my wishes, my body longed for that closeness. Then after we watched a second movie and he left, the emptiness in my abdomen started to take over, and the need for his nearness began running through my quickly-pumping veins.

  I don’t remember this feeling being quite so strong with Sander. It was four years ago. It’s hard to remember emotions from that long ago. Yet, there’s newness to this feeling, overwhelming needs covering every piece of me physically, mentally, and emotionally.

  Finally, with a smile plastered on my face, a fluttering in my abdomen, and a brain conflicted, I fall asleep and dream of hazel eyes, tattoos, and a pretty silver hoop on a lower lip.

  Waking up, I don’t know what to expect for the day. Now here I am, Saturday morning, getting dressed and ready for my day, still feeling light-headed from the long night with Colton. Sander has already texted me a couple times. He is being sweet like he used to be before we moved here, before the drugs. It only confuses me more. I’m happy that Sander is going to try harder. I am happy he is taking me seriously and listening to me when I say we’re on a break until he can prove to me that he can stop doing drugs. He can’t treat me like he has been. When I read the sweet texts from him telling me he misses me, that he’s thinking of me, that he can’t wait to see me, I feel good. I feel content. But, still, there is a piece of me that wants an easy way out. Not because I don’t love Sander—I do -, but because I want to know Colton. And then guilt beguiles her way into me and the happy thoughts of Colton disappear and instead are replaced with a sense of longing to fix what has been broken with Sander.

  I’m conflicted. It’s why I couldn’t kiss Colton last night. It’s why I didn’t agree to see him tonight. I need time to think or to see Sander. I can’t kiss Sander one second and then start kissing Colton the next. I already hate myself for having strong feelings for two different men.

  It’s Saturday, I can’t stand to sit in my room by myself with only my thoughts to keep me company. I grab my purse and keys and jump into my car. I’m going home. I need to see my mom and dad and to get away from this place—even if for only a day. Being here is confusing me. I can’t seem to find solitude. In my room I only think of Lauren being angry with me, Sander and I changing and possibly growing apart, and then I look at the floor where Colton and I were last night watching those movies and cuddling like we’ve been doing it for years. It’s too much. I can’t take all of these thoughts playing over and over, so instead I’m going to go home to the comfort that only my parents can give me.

  It takes a couple of hours, but finally I’m driving along the dirt road that leads to my house. The crunching sound of rocks and dried up mud under my tires is already comforting. The heat of the sunshine passes through my open window. A relaxing sigh escapes as I roll up my windows and pull into the driveway behind my dad’s truck.

  I didn’t even take the time to call my mom to let her know I was coming home. Before I open my door, I know my dad is going to tell me I should have called so they would know to watch for me. They’ve always worried about me. They’ve always told me to call them when I’m leaving somewhere so if something happens they will know where I am. It’s like my mom and dad think that every time I drive I’m going to get in a huge accident, I won’t show up at home, and they won’t even know where to look for me. Who knows if that’s actually what they are thinking. It could be something as simple as they want to know where the heck I am.

  True to my expectations, my mom comes out the front door, the screen slapping hard back into place. She’s wearing a long flowery dress that ends at her ankles. The wind easily catches the fabric and it blows from side to side. Her graying brown hair is pulled up loosely on top of her head. Her hands are on her hips as she watches me walk towards her, but a smile plays on her lips. She shakes her head, exasperated with my lack of phone call.

  “Well would you look at who came to see her mom and dad.” She wraps her arms around me tightly. “Now, honey, did you miss us so much that you couldn’t even give us a call?”

  “Who’s here?” my dad says from the living room.

  Mom rolls her eyes and blows a wisp of her hair out of her face. “Why don’t you get up and come look if you’re so interested,” she yells back and winks at me. “He’s missed you an awful lot. He won’t admit it of course, but he’s been moping around.”

  I smile softly as I walk into our house. The smell of mom’s cooking fills the small home. Mom walks in behind me and then wraps her arms around my shoulders.

  “Honey, have you lost weight? You’re not eating right.” She takes a step back and looks at me. “You’re getting a bit bony.”

  I roll my eyes and walk into the living room and find my dad cleaning his gun on a small table placed in front of his chair. He looks up, grease covering his fingers, “Is that my little girl?” He smiles at me and wipes his hands across his jeans, smearing the black goo across the pockets. He stands up and comes towards me and takes me in his arms, holding me hard against him. Just having my dad’s arms around me very nearly causes the floodgates to open. I lay my head against his chest and take a deep breath, praying for the tears to stay at bay. I just feel so exhausted with the past few weeks. I’m absolutely tired of it all. I’m on the verge of a huge decision, and I don’t know what the right answer is.

  “You didn’t let us know you were driving here today,” dad says as he gives me another tight squeeze before he lets go.

  I nod. “I know; it was a last minute decision.”

  “We’re happy to see you sweetheart.”

  I spend time relaxing with my parents in the living room, and then after eating dinner I sit on the front porch swing. I’ve always enjoyed sitting in this swing. I watch the sun set slowly, the oranges, pinks, purples, and soft blues brightening and then softening as the sun disappears. There are very few things in life as beautiful as the sight. In fact, the only other I enjoy more is the deep, dark night.

  Sitting outside while my parents are inside, my mind starts to wander to that place where Col
ton, Sander, and Lauren rest. I begin picking at my bottom lip anxiously as I deliberate my options. I run through everything that has happened. I’ve done this a million times looking for something I’ve missed, trying to find something about Colton to make me stop talking to him, to stop wanting him. I try talking myself into not giving Sander another chance, even thinking of him not being in my life sends a sharp pain to my stomach and heart. Then I wonder why Lauren and I are arguing so much, why our friendship is falling into shambles. Really, it feels like my entire life is just wreckage with no hope of being salvaged.

  I wipe under my eyes. Looking at my fingers, I see there’s black mascara from tears. Crying again. I used to smile all the time. It’s right then that my mom comes out and sits next to me. She takes one look at me, and I start to cry harder. She pulls me into her and runs her hand through my hair. She tucks loose strands behind my ear and continues to hold me. She lets me cry into her shoulder. She doesn’t ask any questions, and instead just holds me. We stay like that for a while: her holding me, me crying, and her whispering soothing words.

  I sniffle, rub my nose, and then sit back. Mom looks at me sympathetically, waiting to see if I plan on confiding in her. I don’t know where to begin, and even if I did, I would never be able to tell my mother everything that has happened. She already doesn’t like Sander. She’d probably run in and tell dad what happened, and then he’d go after Sander with his gun. I just can’t let that happen. If I told her about Colton and this strong draw to him… I just know she wouldn’t want to hear about that. We’ve never really talked about sex or anything like that, and I wasn’t about to start that conversation now. We’re just never going to have that kind of relationship where I can tell her everything.

  “What’s wrong, honey?” she asks quietly, kindly.

  I laugh without humor. “What isn’t wrong?”

  She frowns. “Now that’s no way to think. Where’s my positive girl? My girl never lets things get her down.”

  “Mom… sometimes things are just too much to smile through.” I look down at my fingers and wipe them on my pants, much like my dad did earlier.

  Mom gives me a sad smile that reaches her eyes; they wrinkle on the ends. “That’s just part of growing up. I knew when you went off to college you would have some challenges, but I hate seeing you in pain. Is it Sander?” she asks.

  I shrug my shoulders noncommittally. “It’s a lot of things mom. I feel like nothing is going right, and I don’t know how to fix it.” I take a deep breath. “I have these huge decisions to make. Monumental… and I’m so scared I’m going to make the wrong decision and lose everything.” I look at her and continue. “What happens if I make the wrong decision and something really bad happens? What if I make this decision and miss out on something wonderful? I didn’t think college was going to be like this,” I say sadly.

  “Well sweetie, I’m not going to force you to tell me what’s happening. You’re an adult now, and I know we raised you right. You will make the right decisions. I know you will. And if you don’t, you will have to pick yourself back up and figure out how to make it right.” She pats my leg. “I can only give you the advice I wish someone would have given me when I was your age.” I look up, and she smiles at me. “The decisions you make now will affect your future. I know that’s a scary thought. It seems that this day and age kids think that living in the moment is the way to go about life… drinking… doing drugs.” I almost flinch at her words; it’s almost like she knows. “Doing all of these crazy things is not living in the moment; it’s only hurting the future. The high of doing those things is so short lived in comparison to what you want out of life.” I’m biting my lip and rubbing my neck, even more afraid to make the right decision. “Honey, I’m not trying to scare you. I just want you to think about what would be the best decision for you. What will make you happy, Lillian? What will be the best for you? Will one of the decisions cause you harm? What will you regret doing or not doing? You just need to think these things through and make the best decision you can. After that, you deal with the consequences whether they are positive or negative.”

  I nod at her words. “What happens if I make the wrong decision mom?”

  “Then you try and make it right. That’s all we can do,” she says sympathetically. “I know whatever decision you make, you will make the best of it. I just want to see that smile on your face, sweetie. If you need to talk to me, you can.”

  I lean into her and hug her close to me. “Thanks mom. I just needed to get away from it all. Just for today. I know I have to go back to it. I know I have to make a choice… I just hate it,” I mumble into her shoulder.

  “Sometimes the hardest choices in life end up being the best ones we ever made. It might not be easy, Lillian, but it might be worth it.”

  “Thanks mom.”

  The sun is finally setting behind the clouds and the dark blue of night is filling the sky. The moon is full and the stars are beginning to sparkle. As dark blue of night sets in, I know tonight I will be spreading out a blanket and lying in the golden fields, taking in the vast expanse of the world. Coming home really was a brilliant idea. I haven’t been able to do this since I left for college. I don’t know of any empty spaces around that area that I could go to like this one. Sure the school grounds are nice and at night the stars twinkle just like they do here, but it’s not quite as peaceful knowing that any moment another student could stumble out to where you are and ruin the solitude.

  I go inside and grab the blanket I always use and run back out through the door and onto the porch. I take my time walking through the fields. The weeds tickle my legs and my arms as I head to my destination. I like to travel just far enough away that the porch light just looks like another star in the distance. I find my usual place and lie my blanket down haphazardly. I all but throw myself onto it and roll onto my back, sighing with contentment.

  I close my eyes and take in everything around me, the feel of the soft blanket against my legs and arms. My hair is tickling my cheeks as the slight breeze tosses the strands. The crickets are rubbing their wings together creating their beautiful, soothing song. Small moths fly above me. I breathe in the sweet but earthy smell of the ground and plants. The heaviness in my chest begins to ease as nature’s tranquility takes over.

  After spending several minutes relaxing, I open my eyes and stare up at the white dots above me. Every so often one star will blink and then another, like a silent conversation between them. I lift my arms above my head and stretch my neck back and forth.

  Time to think, Lilly. If I can get answers anywhere, this is the place. Mom was completely right earlier. Whatever choice I make will have consequences. Maybe the best way to choose between Sander and Colton is to weigh the pros and cons of both of the guys. Yeah, that’ll work.

  Well first off, I know Sander. That’s a big pro. I’ve known him for so long! I barely even know Colton. I don’t even know his middle name for god’s sake! So I suppose that’s a con for Colton. I squint my eyes and narrow them towards the sky, maybe that isn’t a con though. Not knowing everything about Colton is actually pretty enticing. He’s like something new, something fun, someone that I could definitely enjoy getting to know. I feel that stupid grin on my face again, just by thinking of him. Get a grip. Okay so I will give Colton a pro and con for that one. Colton has never been in a relationship and probably doesn’t even want one with me. If I choose to not be with Sander and to spend more time with Colton, I have to remember that with Colton it will only ever be physical and fun. It won’t be anything real, because he doesn’t want real. He doesn’t want love. Another con for Colton.

  Then again, Sander wants to be with me. He did some bad things when he wasn’t thinking right, but now he wants to work it out so that we can be together. I know that Sander wants a relationship. I know that Sander loves me. That’s a massive pro to choosing Sander. I yearn for love. I have to have it. I don’t think I could just have a physical relationship with someone an
d not get emotionally attached.

  That’s it, isn’t it? When it comes down to it, I’m just physically attracted to Colton. Well not exactly. I do care about him. He was there for me, and I’m pretty sure if I called him right now he’d drop whatever he was doing if I needed him. But that’s part of his personality. I laugh, thinking was I actually considering throwing away a relationship I’ve had for four years for someone I’ve known for nearly a month? Just because he’s hot? Just because he’s exciting? I admit, those flashes of his more sensitive side draw me in like a moth to a flame. His touch gives me butterflies and that smile of his could melt the meanest of women. And that lip ring! Every time he sucks it in between his lips I want to run my tongue over it to see if it’s cool like the metal it’s made of or warm from his lips. However, I know I’m not the only woman that notices these things. I bet every woman that comes across him wants to trace his tattoos with their fingers. But that’s exactly why it wouldn’t make any sense to choose him. He doesn’t want me. I bet he’d kiss me back if I kissed him first. I bet he’d take it even further if I allowed it, but not because he wants to be with me. It would be because he’s physically attracted to me. I bite my thumbnail and wince. He’s attracted to lots of girls. We’d get physical and then he’d move on to the next girl just like Clarissa says he’s always done.

  The idea of seeing him with another girl makes me cringe with disgust. I know he’s been with girls even when things have been intense between us; I mean, why wouldn’t he? We’re not together. Thinking of breaking it off with Sander and then seeing him date another girl would be odd and painful. I can’t even imagine Sander being with another person. He’s mine. He’s supposed to be with me.