About Griffen's Heart

by Tina Shaw

  Curious, I wandered out to have a look. The house was dark, except for the hall light.

  Outside, at the far end of the porch, where the steps led down to the garden, a shadowy figure was leaning against the post.

  ‘I thought you’d gone out,’ I said.

  Ryan turned his head to look at me, but didn’t say anything. He was busy smoking a spliff. The tip of it glowed orange in the dark. ‘Nah,’ he gasped, inhaling, ‘that was the old lady.’

  ‘She went out?’

  ‘Yeah.’ He looked at me. ‘What, did you think she’d stay here all night holding your hand?’

  ‘No,’ I said. But in fact, I was a bit hurt. We’d had a big day. I might’ve been feeling sick, or anything. She hadn’t even told me where she was going. ‘Where did she go?’

  He stared out into the dark garden, taking a toke on the joint. The sweet herby smell of it filled the still air. ‘She’s gone to the pub to get shit-faced.’

  ‘No – really?’

  ‘No – really,’ mimicked my brother.

  ‘So where is she, really?’

  Ryan shrugged. ‘How should I know? The supermarket, or something. She told me to keep an eye on you.’ He sent me a funny look.

  That gave me pause. Ryan probably didn’t much care for being his brother’s keeper. Maybe that was why he had to play the tough guy all the time. I sat down on the old sofa. ‘Can I’ve a drag?’

  Ryan gave a dry laugh. ‘And what about your wonky heart?’

  ‘It’ll be okay. Might even help. You know, relax the arteries or something.’

  ‘It’s your choice,’ he said, passing me the joint.

  I had a suck, and held it in like you’re supposed to, to get the full hit or whatever. Ajax and I had experimented once with a little bit of dope. It wasn’t a total success. Neither of us had got stoned, though my fingertips had gone a bit tingly. We’d got the joint off a guy at school. But maybe it was just oregano. Come to think of it, that joint did remind me somewhat of week-old pizza. I spluttered, and smoke shot out of my nose.

  ‘Jeez man, give it back,’ said Ryan. ‘That stuff’s wasted on you.’

  He took the joint off me, sat down on the steps, and stared out into the dark garden.

  I leaned back in the sofa, feeling very relaxed. It was peaceful out here on the porch. The muted sound of traffic hummed in the distance. A bird called from somewhere out in the dark trees. There was a big lopsided moon hanging in the sky. As I watched, it started rocking a little, like a boat rocking gently at its moorings. It was cool. I could see the face, too, looking down at me. The moon was about to yawn, like it was really tired. Or no, maybe that was me. I was really tired. I wanted to go and lie down, but I was too relaxed to move.

  Ryan’s voice broke into my reverie. ‘This is really good shit,’ he murmured. ‘Got it off this guy at work … real good dude.’ He looked very serious in the light from the moon, the serious moonlight. I chuckled to myself.

  ‘That’d be at the construction site,’ I said, feeling pretty clever to have slipped that one in.

  ‘Yup,’ nodded Ryan, giving me a loose, beery look. He had a can of lemonade on the step, and he took a long drink.

  ‘Since when did you learn how to use a hammer?’

  ‘No, dummy,’ he said, sucking at the joint, ‘I’m on cement.’

  For some reason, that seemed extraordinarily funny. ‘You’re on the cement,’ I spluttered.

  Ryan was cracking up too, his eyes shining red in the dark. ‘Yeah. The ce-ment.’

  I don’t know how long we spent laughing over that little beauty, but then we were sobering up and Ryan was lighting a cigarette.

  ‘You know,’ he said, ‘you’ve always been the smart one – but you’re not so bad for a big brother. Yeah,’ he said slowly, ‘the smart one.’

  ‘Thanks,’ I murmured.

  It was a nice moment, and one I didn’t want to spoil by putting my foot in it. It got me thinking about our dad again. Maybe Ryan was shaping up to be the practical one in the family. I’d once asked Mum which one of us was more like him, me or Ryan. But she’d just said we both were. Being diplomatic. I had to wonder now whether it was Ryan. Ryan never talked about our dad, but I bet he still thought about him.

  The moon sent me a wink. I gave my head a little shake. Man, that dope must’ve been strong.

  Ryan was staring out into the darkness, as if he was seeing more than just the bushes and trees. ‘Yeah, we’ll make it,’ he added, mysteriously. A hungry light flickered over his face. I blinked, thinking my brother had morphed into another person. ‘Promises are promises, after all.’

  ‘Make what?’ I asked.

  His face seemed to clear then, and it must’ve hit home who he was talking to. He gave me a brief look of disgust so I knew that he hadn’t been talking about me and him. Had he been talking about Roxy, then? In a split second, I was sitting in that tree with her. I probably wouldn’t get to do that again, because now she seemed to be going out with my brother. This seemed particularly unfair considering I was the one who’d put him onto her in the first place.

  Ryan frowned, and pushed himself up from the steps, shaking his head. ‘You’re such a faggot,’ he muttered, lurching inside. ‘Man, I must be really wasted.’

  I took a deep breath, then let it out really slowly. My heart was thumping evenly in my chest, in a quiet, normal kind of way. But in my head I felt really confused. Pictures were flying round in there – Ryan, Roxy, her dad, the boat – but nothing was making any kind of sense.

  13

  Over the next few days I took more notice of Ryan’s movements. He was going out every day, as if he was going to school, though I knew differently; but he took off every night as soon as he’d eaten, gunning his car down the quiet suburban street like a superhero. He didn’t say where he was going, but I guessed he was meeting Roxy. He didn’t talk any more, and there was something hard and mean about him that I hadn’t seen before.

  I heard him come home late each night, usually crashing into things. One time, he went straight to the toilet, retching before he’d even shut the toilet door behind him. I went out and pulled it shut, so his vomiting wouldn’t wake Mum. Then I went down the hall, quietly closed the front door and snibbed the lock. I guessed he’d found someone else to buy him bourbon.

  I was thinking I should have a heart-to-heart with Ryan sometime soon. Do the big brother thing – try and sort him out. Not that he respected me for being older, far from it. Mostly he seemed more like the older one in the family, while I was the little wuss. But I thought I should make an effort. Not that I knew how to even begin that kind of conversation. Ryan would probably just blow me off, maybe even whack me. So I kept putting it off. But I knew, sooner or later, I’d have to say something.

  No wonder Mum had been worried.

  Ryan seemed to be going off the rails big-time. That had never happened to me, but I wished I’d been more onto what was happening for Ryan. Did it even matter what was behind it? Maybe it was nothing more than feeling like shit. But if I’d tried harder, we might’ve made some kind of connection. Like our dad would’ve done if he’d been around. Ryan and I could’ve talked, he could’ve let off some steam. Instead, now he had a secret life and a huge chip on his shoulder. I’d been engrossed with my heart saga. Then, more recently, I’d got hooked on the whole Roxy thing. I hadn’t seen the dark cloud zooming towards Ryan like a killer torpedo.

  So I watched, and listened.

  Meanwhile, I was finding out much more about my little brother than I really cared to know.

  ‘Hey, Bubba.’

  ‘Marlene, please don’t call me Bubba.’

  She ignored my usual plea and ploughed on. ‘Your brother’s the one who looks like Tom Cruise, right?’

  ‘I wouldn’t personally have made that connection,’ I sniffed, ‘but carry on.’

  ‘Thought you might like to know: I was leaving The Grail last night, when …’

  Marlene going to
trendy nightclubs? Hm, that was a new development.

  ‘… when who should I see but Tom Cruise and his nice buddies tagging the big Farmers sign.’

  ‘Yeah?’ Now that was hardly a surprise. ‘You sure it was him?’

  ‘I’d bet my eye teeth on it, Bubba,’ she said. ‘They had a girl with them, too.’

  Great.

  The night I decided to follow Ryan again, there was a certain feeling of déjà vu. I’d taken my trusty velocipede down the road again while Ryan was showering, and once more I was staked out behind Ajax’s garage. I hunkered down to wait. I’d been lying in bed all day resting, so I figured I had some energy points saved up.

  Ajax’s mum came out at one stage and brought me a scone with jam in it and a glass of milk (she still thinks I’m thirteen). Ajax himself came home on his bike and walked right past me before he realised I was there. ‘Dude,’ he said, and kept walking. They pretty much knew what I was up to. Then a little dog appeared out of nowhere, and I gave it some of my scone. At this rate, practically the whole neighbourhood would know I was out here, waiting for Ryan.

  It was starting to get dark. Maybe Ryan wasn’t going out tonight. Maybe he’d planned a quiet night catching up on his reading. Yeah, right. If he even remembered what a book looked like. I was just about to call it quits, when from down the street I heard the familiar vroom vroom of his engine.

  I started up my Vespa and waited, poised for action. But then, instead of going past Ajax’s house like he did last time, I heard Ryan driving off in the other direction – away from town. Bugger. Quickly, I zipped out into the street and took up pursuit. There weren’t as many traffic lights this way, but I had a feeling I knew where he was going anyway.

  I soon lost sight of Ryan’s black Subaru hatch, but I could still hear it as he wove his way through the suburban streets towards Roxy’s place. I was wondering how to play it once we got there; her street was a dead-end, and I didn’t want to be spotted. Then I remembered the reserve, with the path running through it from the other street. So that was what I did: zipped into the other street and got to the reserve. I manoeuvred my Vespa through the trees and onto the path, motoring very quietly through the dark bush and trying to ignore the wheezing of my breath. This was probably a very stupid thing for me to be doing.

  More déjà vu. There I was, standing behind a bush again, spying on Roxy’s house. I almost expected that kid with the milk to turn up again. Only, the scene I was watching now was way different.

  Ryan was leaning against the side of his car, and Roxy was just coming out of the house, tripping down the path towards him, carrying a cloth bag that looked like it might have a bottle in it. She had her hood up, her head down. I was holding my breath, thinking when she looked up and saw Ryan there’d be this happy look on her face, a bit like she looked when we were sitting in the tree. I wasn’t too sure how I was going to handle that, but I was determined to see it. Maybe then I could forget about Roxy.

  But when she did look up, it wasn’t like that at all. She looked furious. White with fury, her eyes burning. She was almost unrecognisable.

  Then there was a shout from the house.

  Leo appeared in the doorway. And he looked furious, too. Was that the nice guy I knew with the boat? It looked more like his evil twin.

  ‘Come back here when I’m talking to you!’ he shouted from the veranda. Then he ran down the path after Roxy and grabbed her by the arm.

  She swung round and started shouting in his face. Leo jerked back. ‘Just shut up!’ she shouted. ‘You’re such a loser. I wish you were dead!’

  I couldn’t ever imagine talking to my mum like that. If that wasn’t bad enough, then she used the f-word. Call me a prude, but that shocked me more than anything else. A pale face appeared at the window, looking as shocked as me: the kid brother.

  ‘Listen here, you–’

  ‘You don’t know anything,’ she shrieked in his face.

  He grabbed her shoulders and gave her a shake. She looked so small and light, like a ragdoll. ‘Don’t you talk to your father like that.’

  ‘Get out of my life and leave me alone,’ screamed Roxy, ‘or else!’

  ‘Or else what – eh? Eh?’ The guy was winding up.

  Then she spat at him, straight into his face. He let her go, wiping at his face with the back of his sleeve. Roxy ran round the other side of Ryan’s car and got inside, slamming the door behind her.

  Ryan was just about to get in the car, too, when Leo grabbed him by the shoulder. ‘Listen up, young man …’

  ‘Let go, you arsehole,’ said Ryan shrugging him off. He had guts, I had to give him that, to insult a grown man. I would’ve been terrified of getting whacked.

  ‘You might think you own the world,’ Leo was shouting, ‘but I’m in charge of Roxy. I say what goes round here – and I don’t want you seeing my daughter again.’ The guy was practically in Ryan’s face.

  Ryan, very cool, just ignored Roxy’s father. He opened the car door.

  Leo was beside himself now. ‘Do you hear me? Or are you deaf, as well as stupid?’ He was banging on the top of the car.

  I knew Ryan would be gritting his teeth. He would’ve whacked me for sure, by now, if I’d said something like that. He was probably only just holding back because this was an older guy, a father.

  ‘I said …’ Leo had grabbed the car door, trying to stop Ryan from getting in. But it didn’t make any difference. Ryan got in and slammed it shut. Leo let go at the last minute. ‘You little scumbag,’ he shouted, ‘you nearly took my fingers off, how dare you …’

  The rest of his words were drowned in the gunning of the car engine. The image stuck on my retina: Leo with his arms hanging loose, defeated. I would’ve felt sorry for the guy, only I had to make tracks, and fast.

  I was on my bike, out of the reserve and back into the quiet little street, my breath coming in spurts. Calm, I pleaded with my heart, be calm. Just hang in there for a little while, then we’ll head on back to bed.

  At the end of the street, Ryan’s car roared past. I followed as fast as I could. Admittedly the Vespa could go up to 100 k, but I didn’t want to go that fast. At any rate, I figured they’d be going into town – there wasn’t anywhere else to go. I’d find them again.

  I caught up with them sooner than I expected. They were parked just along from a liquor shop, the very one where I bought the bourbon. I pulled over behind a parked car, away from the streetlights, curious as to how two minors were planning on getting alcohol. Maybe they’d pull a Bonnie and Clyde act.

  They sat in the car for a while. The odd person went into the liquor shop, and came back out with bottles in brown paper bags. Nothing else happened. I started to think they were waiting to meet somebody here. But then, Roxy got out of the car.

  There was a guy in jeans with spiked hair crossing the road towards the liquor shop. She went up to him and started talking, head on one side, hip jutting out. Even from a distance she looked cute. And I could tell by the way the guy leaned towards her, he really liked her. She passed him something, and he went inside the shop. Roxy stood waiting in the shadows.

  The guy came back out and gave her a bagged bottle. Then she headed for the car.

  ‘Hey,’ I heard the guy say. Then something else. Maybe asking for her phone number.

  Roxy laughed and gave him the finger. She jumped in the car, and they took off.

  Nice … and to think, not that long ago either, I had been besotted with this girl. Oh, dodgy and foolish heart.

  The charming young couple next made their way to the Square, where they met up with the same guys they’d met the last time I followed Ryan. The only one I recognised was Brent who’d dropped out of school in the middle of term. He had peroxided hair, and a spike in his eyebrow.

  There was a lot of laughing and smoking of cigarettes and joshing around. What a jolly time they were having, I thought cynically. An older guy turned up about then and stayed just long enough for something to be passed
from his jeans pocket to Brent, who passed something back.

  Meanwhile, I was hatching a little plan. It mostly involved dobbing in Ryan to Mum. So it wasn’t much of a plan, but hey, it was something. I couldn’t sort him out all by myself. This whole thing was way bigger than us having some little brotherly chat. Besides, if I interfered in this, he’d whack me for sure, bad heart or not. It was a while since he had. It was still vivid in my mind. I’d borrowed a CD without asking. A blow to the kidneys, just like in the movies, and for weeks after, I’d sported a big apple-shaped bruise on my side. He always aimed for the parts that weren’t visible.

  So I was seriously thinking about heading home. I’d seen enough to know the score. And I was feeling very weary, to tell the truth. There was a tingling sensation in my left arm, and I knew I should be back home. But they all started getting in their cars, and I figured, since I’d come this far, another hour or so wouldn’t hurt. And I know it’ll sound dorky, but part of me wanted to see Roxy home safely. I didn’t trust that Brent guy, and I was worried they were going to do some drugs.

  Off we all went again.

  This time they went out to the beach. The café up by the carpark was still open, so I went in there and ordered a hot chocolate. It was really quiet, only a woman behind the counter and an old guy with a white beard at a back table.

  Down on the beach, Roxy and the guys were getting high on whatever booze they’d got from the liquor shop. They’d got a little fire going, and they all sat round it, passing the bottle and smoking. I could see the orange glow of their cigarettes – or joints.

  Of course, it would be stink telling Mum about Ryan. As I sat in the café, hunched over my cup of hot chocolate, I tried to think of other ways I could bring Ryan to his senses. The trouble was, he didn’t listen to me. If I’d been tough from the beginning it might’ve made a difference. But I’d never stood up for myself. Ryan only had to tap me and I’d crumple. It just seemed easier to keep the peace. Like the time he threw a rock at the side of my head. There was blood coming down my face, and Mum had to fix it up, but I told her I’d fallen off my bike. I was what? Scared of him, I guess.