The Secret Teacher

by Anon

  ‘So is this it, Salim? Anything else?’

  ‘No, we just need to get some roller skates.’

  ‘OK.’

  ‘And then at the end we are going to abseil down the gym wall.’

  ‘Of course we are. What have you got planned for the summer?’

  ‘Got to learn a lot of new moves.’

  ‘Can’t wait to see them next year. Take care, Salim.’

  He shuffled off home.

  *

  As I left the park, I saw Head reprimanding the new Head of Year 8 for running with a girl to the finish line in order to encourage her. ‘That was totally inappropriate’ was all I heard him say.

  *

  After school, I opened up my email.

  Dear teachers

  You have been a real pleasure to me this year and I am so happy with my self. Thank you so much Paula and Sir and Miss and Miss. I hope every one of you have a lovely summer holiday and of course don’t stress yourself with work do have some holiday so thank very much.

  Thank you all

  Donnie

  You are the best teachers

  Thank you

  The end-of-year Assembly was renamed ‘The Schoscars’. Olive trees stood at each corner of the gym draped in fairy lights. On the screens scrolled images of black-and-white film stars. The SMs looked awkward in ill-fitting suits and dresses. Head gave out prizes in a white tux (‘The next prize goes to a young girl – you wouldn’t know, to look at her, that not only is she a refugee, but she has just been diagnosed with M.E.! Unbelievable! Give her a big hand!’)

  Mentor gave a special prize.

  ‘This is an award that recognises the person who maximises their potential, curiously, wondering where their true potential will take them. And if you’re this young person, your true potential has taken you to an extraordinary level of achievement. This individual stays behind every day to do extra work. Recently, he made a model of Victorian London out of origami. This person should know that they are not only an inspiration to their peers, but an inspiration to all their teachers too. This person is Donnie Jones.’

  Donnie shook the hands of the SMs, then stood awkwardly to acknowledge the rapturous applause. He was proud, but not as proud as I was. I could not see his dad anywhere.

  ‘And to sing us out, here’s another of our stellar students to sing a stellar song.’

  Mercedes belted out ‘Happy’ with the Gospel Choir.

  *

  At the Leavers’ Ball, Isaac DJ’d some dirty grime. The whole year was a melee of bumps, grinds, hugs and kisses. VP stood on a chair and segued effortlessly between the ‘Big Fish Little Fish Cardboard Box’ dance move and the ‘Keep Six Inches Apart’ gesture. My form made a circle around me, and jumped up and down. Even Zainab. Liam was dancing so vigorously that I said, ‘What have you been drinking?’

  ‘ENERGY DRINKS, SIR! That’s all I ever drink. My body is a temple!’

  ‘Yeah, right,’ I said.

  ‘True say, Sir. Swear down. Aks anyone. Dis shubz is sick! Come on, Sir! Time for some old school moves!’

  I hit the floor for a quick Hell Yeah It Does, a dangerous whirligig of flailing limbs and awkward staccato head thrusts, like a giraffe on Ritalin falling down the stairs. Liam filmed me on his phone. Go, Sir!

  This role model. This sweaty man, unencumbered of any dignified carapace. This happy man.

  I patted them on the back and told them they were amazing and I would never forget them.

  ‘Good luck in Thailand, Wally.’

  ‘Thanks, Sir.’

  ‘Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.’

  ‘Liam: give me a ring once you’ve reached that Dungeon Run. But not before. Seen?’

  ‘Seen, Sir.’

  ‘Ella: I’m gonna miss you.’

  ‘Gonna miss you, Sir! And a little word of advice: you need to sort out your ties!’

  ‘Kids have been telling me that since the beginning.’

  ‘Zainab: I’m very disappointed that you gave up English, but I am relieved the medical establishment is getting such a star.’

  ‘Thanks, Sir.’

  ‘Alexia: when you are prime minister, give us a pay rise.’

  She handed me an antique copy of Murder in the Cathedral, which she had inscribed ‘Thank you’.

  Head swept onto the floor and danced with the Head Girl. The kids went nuts, and started filming it on their phones, cheering wildly. Soon the rest of the staff joined in.

  I walked back to pick up my jacket from the back of my chair. A few of the sixth formers were sat, staring at the table, as VP told them a joke.

  What did the tank commander say to his men before going into battle?

  Silence.

  Get in the tank.

  Silence.

  I saluted her, and headed for the exit, where Liam, drenched in sweat and energy drinks, staggered into me. I asked to see his video. ‘Sozzles Squazzles, Sir. I already Snapchatted it! It’s gone! Boom!’

  I left before too many awkward sweaty goodbyes. Tom, Mentor and I got a cab home; we laughed all the way home about all the funny confessions kids had made to us, and how great they had all been (in stark contrast to the rampant misbehaviour of the teachers).

  ‘What a crazy job,’ I said, as I got out of the cab.

  ‘See you on the morrow, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed!’ said Mentor.

  *

  I tried to open my front door as quietly as I could, but my son woke as I tiptoed up the stairs. He mewed listlessly for a while; I picked him up from his cot and bounced him on my knee and shushed him. I reached down and picked up the board book next to the bed. He nestled under my armpit as I read Papa, Please Get the Moon for Me as quietly as I could.

  It is about a man who gets a big ladder and climbs up it. He takes the moon, and brings it down to earth to give to his daughter.

  Occasionally, my son reached over and batted the page with his hands, and gurgled his appreciation. When I finished, he looked up at me and grunted.

  *

  I read it again.

  *

  And again.

  GLOSSARY

  TEACHER TALK

  A Level Course taken over two years between sixteen and eighteen. Students usually take three subjects.

  AFL Assessment For Learning

  AO1, AO2, Assessment Objectives. Used as

  AO3, AO4, AO5 marking guidelines for teachers.

  BH Behaviour

  BTEC Vocational qualification

  Chalk and Talk The Old School practice of standing at the board and talking about your subject, occasionally with recourse to using chalk in order to write things down

  Circle Time A time in the day when disruptive pupils convene with mentors or SEN specialists

  CW Coursework

  DEAR Drop Everything and Read

  DT Design Technology

  EAL English as an Additional Language

  Future Leader A leadership programme for School Leaders

  GCSE Course taken between the ages of fourteen and sixteen. Students are examined in around ten subjects.

  GTP General Teacher Programme

  ICT Information and Communication Technology

  INSET A preparatory course, taken at the beginning of each term or year, which usually lasts between one and three days

  NQT Newly Qualified Teacher

  OFSTED Office for Standards in Education

  PE Physical Education

  PEE Point. Evidence. Explanation.

  Peer Assessment (abbrev. Peer Ass) When pupils swap books and mark each other’s work

  PGCE Post Graduate Certificate in Education

  PPE Politics, Philosophy and Economics: undergraduate degree at Oxford

  PTA Parent Teacher Association

  RE Religious Education

  S&L Speaking and Listening

  Schools Direct The most recent training programme for new teachers

  SEN Special Educational Needs

  SM Sen
ior Manager

  SMT Senior Management

  TA Teaching Assistant

  TeachFirst Teacher Training which places high-flying young graduates in schools in deprived areas

  UMS Uniform Mark Scheme

  VA Value Added. A school’s quality is now judged on how much value is added to their students, ie. how much they have improved.

  VAK Visual, Aural. Kinaesthetic. Some constituent parts of a well-differentiated lesson.

  Amazeballs (adj.)

  Amazing; incredible (mostly posho)

  ‘That lesson I just taught was totes amazeballs.’

  Bantosaurus (n.)

  Someone with exceptional bantz, unusually from PE

  Bantz (n.)

  Banter; chat; repartee; badinage

  ‘That new PE teacher gave me good bantz at break.’

  Differentiation (n.)

  Differentiate (vb)

  The means by which a teacher assesses different kinds of learners in the classroom

  Douchebag (n.) (abbrev. douche)

  Idiot; fool; moron (origin: vaginal cleaner)

  ‘Move your books off my desk, douchebag.’

  ‘Aren’t you supposed to be teaching, douche?’

  Emosh (adj.)

  Emotional (posho)

  Ring Piece (n.) (abbrev. Ring)

  Bum-hole, arsehole, anus, rectum, sphincter, brown eye, chocolate starfish, Gary Glitter, rusty sheriff’s badge

  ‘Liam is a bit of a Ring Piece.’

  ‘Kieran is a total Ring.’

  Tommy Tank (n.)

  Wank (rhyming slang)

  Totes (adv.)

  Totally (mostly posho)

  KID TALK

  Aks (vb)

  Ask

  ‘Are you aksing me?’

  ‘I aksed you if I could hand it in on Friday.’

  Allow it/’Low it (phrase)

  To leave something alone; don’t worry about it

  ‘Sir! I gave it in! Allow it!’

  ‘Low it, I ain’t doin dat.’

  ‘Sir, can we set fire to our hair? Allow it!’

  Badman (n.)

  Rudeboy; gangster; rebel; scallywag

  ‘Sir, Kieran is copying! Do your own work, badman!’

  Badman (adj.)

  Naughty

  ‘Sir, you need to put dem badman mandems in detention.’

  Bare (adj.)

  A lot of; very

  ‘Rah, we got bare homework, you know.’

  ‘Dere’s bare bears on dere.’

  ‘Dat cupboard is bare bare.’

  Blud (n.)

  Mate

  Boom ting (phrase)

  (Also: Buff ting)

  The best; amazing; beautiful

  ‘Rah, I got an A! Boom ting!’

  ‘Dat girl is buff ting.’

  Bruv (n.)

  Brother; Confrere

  ‘Yeah, bruv, what you sayin, bruv, nuffsaid bruv, yes bruv, innit bruv.’

  Butters (adj.)

  Ugly

  ‘Sir’s lookin bare butters today.’

  ‘Dis lasagne is butters.’

  Beatdowns (phrase)

  Beaten up

  ‘Man’s going to get beatdowns.’

  Bwuk up (phrase)

  Ibid.

  Comeden (phrase)

  Come on then; Let us make haste

  ‘Man goin Mafs. Comeden.’

  Dat (n.)

  That

  Fam (n.)

  One’s peoples; someone you consider family

  ‘Where was you in Mafs, fam?’

  Izzit dough (phrase)

  Is it, though?; Are you certain that is the case?

  ‘I was in Mafs.’

  ‘Izzit dough?’

  Laters (int.)

  Goodbye

  Limpix (n.)

  The Olympics

  Lol (acronym)

  Laughing out loud (also written occasionally as ‘Lots of Laughs’), used as a brief acronym to denote great amusement in chat conversations

  ‘Sir knows you wuz bunkin Mafs, lol!’

  ’Luminati (n.)

  The Illuminati (pl. Lat. Illuminatus, ‘the enlightened’) Various secret societies who conspire to control world affairs, by masterminding events or placing agents in position of power, in order to establish New World Order See also: ’spiracy.

  Mafs (n.)

  Mathematics

  Man (pron.)

  Me; you; one; the system

  ‘Man’s got bare homework.’

  ‘Man gotta go toilet.’

  ‘The Man is watching you.’

  ‘Stick it to The Man.’

  Mandem (n.)

  People; one’s tribe

  ‘Dere was bare mandems at shubz on Friday. Two mandem came on tandem.’

  Megalolz (superl. phrase)

  Extreme amusement

  ‘Mandem fell off tandem! Megalolz!’

  Moist (adj.)

  Bad; idiotic; embarrassing

  ‘Dis book is moist.’

  ‘Don’t say dat, you are bare moist!’

  Oh, my daze (phrase)

  Oh my days! My goodness!

  ‘Oh my daze, you are bare moist!’

  Old School (adj.)

  Old; retro; back in the day

  ‘Some old school Super Mario bizzness.’

  ‘T. S. Eliot is so old school.’

  Old Skool (n.)

  A type of dance music from the 1990s

  ‘Dis Old Skool is old school.’

  Rah (int.)

  Goodness

  Run tings (phrase)

  In control

  ‘Man gonna play in midfield and just run tings.’

  Safe (adj.)

  Cool

  Seen (interrog./affirm.)

  Do you understand?; to acknowledge something

  ‘I’m going playground, blud. Seen?’

  ‘Seen.’

  Shubz (n.)

  Party

  Sick (adj.)

  Brilliant

  ‘’Low it, dat’s gonna be some sick shubz.’

  ’Slebrity (n.)

  Celebrity

  Sozzles (n.)

  Sorry

  ‘Sozzles, man forgot homework.’

  ’Spiracy (n.)

  Conspiracy

  ‘It’s all a ’spiracy. All of it.’

  Sozzlesquazzles (n.)

  Very sorry

  ‘Sozzlesquazzles, man forgot homework again.’

  Swagger (n.)

  Cool

  ‘Sir ain’t got no swagger.’

  Swear down (phrase)

  I promise. (emphatic)

  True say (phrase)

  I concur

  Umfing (n.)

  Um … a thing …; delaying tactic when you don’t know the answer

  Wa’gwan (phrase, greeting)

  Hello. How are you today? What is happening?

  Waste (adj.)

  Excreta; in need of excretion; superfluous in terms of space, time or life; pointless; draining; poor; bad; nasty

  ‘Dis lesson is waste.’

  ‘Da Waste Land is waste, man.’

  What you sayin’? (phrase)

  How are you doing today?

  Zackly (adv.)

  Exactly

  About the Author

  That would be telling.

  Just call me ‘Sir’.

  Copyright

  First published in the UK in 2017

  by Guardian Books, Kings Place,

  90 York Way, London N1 9GU

  and Faber & Faber Ltd

  Bloomsbury House

  74–77 Great Russell Street

  London WC1B 3DA

  This ebook edition first published in 2017

  All rights reserved

  © Secret Teacher, 2017

  Cover design by Mecob

  Cover photographs

  © Shutterstock.com

  © Tin Moon Ltd

  The right of the Secret Teacher to be identified as a
uthor of this work has been asserted in accordance with Section 77 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988

  This ebook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorised distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s and publisher’s rights, and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly