Strong Signal (Cyberlove #1)

by Megan Erickson

  We were a mess. A trembling mess of tangled limbs, damp with semen and sweat, and I didn’t give a damn. Kai made an idle attempt to wipe up the mess he’d made of my torso with a spare pillow before tossing it on the floor and sprawling on top of me. We were still sticky, but it felt amazing to have his head tucked under my chin. My breathing slowed as I stroked his back.

  “Did I redeem myself?”

  “Abso-fucking-lutely.” Kai burrowed against me and made content sounds. “God. I feel like I could sleep again.”

  “Or eat a six-course meal.”

  “Oh!” Kai wiggled his fingers in the direction of his other side table. “There’s soup.”

  “Awesome. I’m gonna get it as soon as I can sit up.”

  “It’s cold by now.”

  “Pssh. Do you know what they feed us in the desert?”

  Kai propped his chin against my chest and peered at me with his huge blue eyes. “Not really. You didn’t talk about it much.”

  “True that.” I was reluctant to take my hands off him, so I didn’t. I traced his spine and we kept staring at each other. “I’ll tell you anything you want. There’s probably a lot we don’t know about each other even though I’ve confided in you more than anyone I’ve ever met.”

  “Why do you think that is?”

  “Dunno.” I shrugged, jostling his cozy position. “It was just easier to confide in someone when they’re not in my face, you know? And because it was via text…we talked so much every day for fucking hours and the words just kept coming. It was way different than dating. Not that I know shit about that.”

  The smile that curved over Kai’s face was almost shy. “It’s almost the same for me except I obviously omitted the part where I’m a total loser.”

  I smacked his ass hard. “Stop that.”

  Kai wiggled his ass. “If I say it again, will you spank me? I might like it.”

  “Tell me about that later when I can get it up again. For now…I’d like to ask you some questions. If you don’t mind.”

  There was a hint of a sigh before Kai pulled himself into a sitting position. “Fine, but first? You eat.”

  It was a total deflection, but I could get used to being around someone who wanted to take care of me.

  “You got it.”

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  Kai

  I warmed up the soup and thought about sitting at my desk chair so Garrett could have the bed, but I couldn’t bring myself to sit even five feet away. So I sat cross-legged facing him, my knees touching his thighs as he leaned against some pillows and inhaled the soup.

  I wasn’t as hungry, my stomach churning as I thought about what I was going to tell him. Once we were finished, I placed my bowl on the floor and stared at my ragged fingernails.

  “Hey,” he said softly. “As much as I could just jump you again and delay talking, I’m thinking we need to have a conversation about everything.”

  “Yeah, I know. It’s just such a head trip that you’re here, you know that? I’ve met a lot of people online and I almost forgot what it was like to actually meet in person. To go from knowing someone online to real life.” I was on a roll now, the words spilling out as my voice rose. “I’m twenty-five, and I haven’t been outside this apartment more than a handful of times since I was twenty-two. It’s why I’m as pale as Edward Cullen and was freaked the fuck out when you came to my door.”

  Garrett didn’t move. His posture—which had been relaxed and casual—was now stiff. “Wait, I’m sorry, what?”

  “Well I said I keep to myself—”

  “Keeping to yourself is like…being private. That doesn’t imply never leaving your apartment, Kai.”

  He was right. I pursed my lips and tugged the sheet over my lap. “I told you I used to dance, right?”

  He nodded, gaze never leaving my face.

  “So, I’ve always been…not great in public. Made me anxious and sick to my stomach, but I loved to dance, and I was good at it. I got a part in an off-Broadway production here in Philly and gave it my best shot but I was never meant for the stage. I threw up before every performance.”

  “But,” Garrett started, and I could tell he was going to try for optimism. “Doesn’t that happen to a lot of people?”

  “Yeah, but not like what happened with me. I’m talking full-on panic attacks.” I waved a hand. “Yeah, so. I’m a small guy and I was losing weight because of that and it was bad. So bad. I started my Twitch stream and then…things were easy. On camera, I didn’t freak out. It didn’t make me nervous and the more subscribers I gained, the more money I made and…” I shrugged. “All of a sudden, I didn’t have to leave my apartment. Everything I needed was here. Anything I didn’t have could be delivered. I never had many friends anyway, and soon they all faded away until it was just…me. And my Chat.”

  “You live your life online.” It wasn’t a question, it was a statement, and that told me he understood.

  “Yeah,” I said. “That’s exactly right.”

  “Shit.” He exhaled roughly. “No wonder you lost it when I showed up.”

  “Like I said, it was a head trip to go from seeing you online to you being this real, 3D man.”

  There was a brief pause before Garrett asked haltingly, “When did you start your XXXTube channel?”

  “Oh, uh, so, back when I danced, I had a friend in theater who used to fuck me sometimes. We were friends, nothing more. And when I became how I am now, he would come over sometimes but that ended eventually. I always seemed to fuck my friends until they went on to find their own boyfriends while I never did. Anyway, he stopped coming around and I was horny as shit. I made a video on a whim, uploaded it, and the damn thing did really well. I thought, fuck it, why not? This is my life, my body. And the money was great.”

  Garrett nodded slowly. “So there was a difference between performing in front of a live audience and one that’s behind a camera?”

  “Yeah. I guess…I realized I do like performing, but I need some distance. Which sounds weird, but there it is.”

  “When’s the last time you had sex with someone?”

  I grinned. “A half-hour ago.”

  “You know what I mean.”

  I scrunched my lips and mumbled, “Two years.”

  “Say again?”

  “Two years! I had a friend who came over for a while and then…” I let my voice trail off then leveled a glare at Garrett. “Thanks for making me admit that, you fucker.”

  His arms shot out, wrapped around me, and I fell into his lap. I wasn’t used to being manhandled, but I was starting to like it. Probably because I liked everything Garrett did.

  “So.” There was a twitch to his lips that definitely indicated an incoming smile. “I must be pretty special for you to choose me after all this time, huh?”

  “Yeah, but it’s not like I was some chaste virginal person.” I poked him in the side. “I banged myself on camera a lot. Your specialness is way more than the fact that we just had sex.”

  Garrett’s face lit up, but he managed to suppress it after schooling his features. “Heh, I’m just kidding, you know. It wouldn’t matter to me either way. I’m not exactly a Puritan.”

  “I figured.”

  “Good.” Garrett cupped my face with his hands. “Why didn’t you tell me all of this before? Not just about your sex life but all of it?”

  “Because,” I said. “I felt a responsibility, I guess. You were deployed, and you said I made you happy. You already got weird when people were dicks to me on Twitch. I didn’t want you to be…concerned.”

  “That’s pretty selfless.”

  “Isn’t serving in the Army selfless?”

  At that, some of Garrett’s playfulness faded. He sat back on his heels. “I don’t know. Some guys are, but not me. I signed up because I had no future otherwise. Now, I have a shot at school and a real job. It got me out of Rickston, which is probably the most depressing town in Pennsylvania.”

  “Why?”


  He shrugged. “The average income there is pretty low. It’s cold a lot—winters suck balls. And with that comes alcoholism and general fucking misery. It sucks. It’s easy to get discouraged growing up in a place like that, which is why a lot of guys join the service.”

  Nodding, I studied his face and the clouds gathering around it. He’d rarely talked about his hometown on Gchat, and maybe it was for good reason. Or maybe, like I’d done to him, he’d wanted to shield me from the troubling aspects of his life.

  “Well,” I said thoughtfully. “It could be worse. You could have…started dealing drugs or something. Pimping. Those would be bad.”

  Garrett’s mouth twitched and this time he had a harder time controlling his laughter.

  “What!” I poked his side. “What’s so funny?”

  “Pimping?” Garrett stretched out on top of me and laughed into my neck. All two hundred and something pounds of muscle shook with laughter. “You’re such a dork.”

  “What? This is serious!”

  “Right.” When his laughter subsided, Garrett shook his head. “I’m glad you’re proud of me for choosing service over…pimping.”

  “You’re mocking me.”

  “Never.”

  “Uh huh.” I wrapped my arms around him. “So that’s my story.”

  “And your family…”

  My family wasn’t even a sore subject with me anymore. I was a loner. I always had been. Not much had changed. “I get a Christmas card from my one aunt every year. My cousins are busy—married with kids. They don’t remember or care about the distant cousin with a druggie dad who lived with them for a while. My grandmother passed away when I was a teenager, or I would maybe get a birthday card with a ten-dollar bill in it. And I haven’t spoken to my dad since…middle school maybe?”

  He blew out a breath. “Shit.”

  “Why do you think it was so easy for me to just…disappear?”

  His brow was furrowed. “But you’re…charming, and fun to be around. I can’t believe no one wanted to hold on to you.”

  I let those words settle into my gut and warm me from the inside out. “I’m glad you think that. I…don’t know how true it is.”

  “Online—”

  “—is different. And I’m different with you because…everything feels natural.”

  He ran a hand through my hair. “I don’t think you’re different with me. I think…I hope…you can be yourself with me.”

  I could. More than I could ever explain. Garrett got the Real Kai. Or at least, the best version of me. “So now that I spilled my guts and you already know about my family—or lack thereof—tell me about your family.”

  “You know my dad died recently, but I grew up in Rickston with him, my mom and sister.”

  “And you said your family doesn’t know about you being gay?”

  “Nah. Never told them because I didn’t see a reason too. It’s not like I dated. I blew straight guys who wouldn’t look me in the eye afterward, and my one attempt at finding another guy online was a massive fail.”

  That always hit me in the gut, when he said that, his tone a shot of bitterness. “Garrett…”

  “My dad was a huge homophobe. A very vocal homophobe. I’m convinced the gay marriage ruling is what did him in.” Garrett tried to crack a smile and failed. “I’m not sure about my mom and sister. I think they’ll be okay, but it’s just been easier not to tell them, you know?”

  “Sure.”

  “I’ll tell them now though. Because of you.”

  That squeezing in my chest returned. Was I wheezing? “Wait, what? Because of me?”

  “That reminds me.” Garrett glanced at the clock. “I gotta call my sister.”

  I grabbed his arm. “Are you telling her now?” My voice was rising to hysterical levels. I wasn’t even sure what I was so freaked out about but I was totally freaked.

  Garrett finally realized I was losing it. He gripped my shoulders. “Whoa, Kai, calm down. No, I’m not going to come out to my sister on the phone. I need to check in with her because if I don’t, she’ll be calling me all night.”

  Okay, that was fine. I started to breathe easier, but Garrett didn’t let it go. “You want to tell me why you freaked out?”

  Not really. “It’s like…right now, we’re safe. It’s just us. Only us. And I forgot for a minute you have a life and family and what if she thinks I…turned you gay or hates me or…”

  Garrett’s hand was a calming weight on my arm. “Let’s take this one step at a time. I’m going to call my sister, tell her I made it to my friend’s house safely, and that I’m going to stay here for a little while.”

  I focused on his words, ignoring the little while part. “Okay. I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t apologize,” he said. “But when you start to freak out, talk to me, if you can. And we’ll work through it. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing, but I want to try.”

  I stared up at him, thinking it was way too soon to tell him I was already half in love with him. Okay maybe three-quarters. I nodded, and only managed to say, “Thank you.”

  Garrett brushed a kiss against my forehead before pushing away from the bed.

  I rested on my side, watching the muscles of his ass shifting as he bent over and pulled on his pants.

  “Why’re you getting dressed?”

  “I’m not talking to my sister naked,” he said, zipping his jeans.

  “She won’t know!”

  “I’ll know. Pants must be worn while talking to Nicole.”

  He surveyed my room, searching for his discarded shirt, before something caught his eye on the wall. I followed his gaze and smiled when he pointed at the wall of chalkboard where I’d written, months ago: If you can’t find my body, ask Hazzard.

  “What is that?”

  “That was when I found out I’d just killed the archer of a serviceman. I was scared you’d retaliate!”

  “Retaliate?” he asked incredulously. “How’d you even know I was in the Army?”

  “After my orc took your guy down I asked around about you.”

  “It’s crazy I’m here now, and that it all started with a FWO kill.” Garrett shook his head, still looking at the scrawl in white chalk. “Okay, I need to call this girl before she gets pissed.”

  “Have fun.”

  He saluted me, and his was a lot less sloppy than mine. I heard his footsteps down the hall, then noise as he rummaged in his bag.

  With a groan and a wince at the soreness in my ass—welcome soreness—I got out of bed and pulled on a fresh pair of sweatpants. While checking my email, I heard Garrett’s voice filter down the hall.

  “I’m here…just a friend…no not a girl, Nicole, a friend. How’s mom…he treating her right? I still need to look him up and shit…don’t tell me what I can’t do.”

  Even though his tone was brash, there was an underlying affection behind it. I had no siblings and I’d always wondered what it was like to share blood with someone—to grow up with them and know every little thing about their past.

  “Yeah, well I’m coming soon to see you and Ma, so get the parade ready…I’m kidding, dipshit. You throw me a parade and I’ll fucking burn the town down.”

  I smiled as there was a much longer pause.

  “No, I’m good. Really good. This was just something I had to do, okay. I’ll explain when I come home. Yeah, you’ll meet my friend…no you can’t fuck him.”

  I laughed and had to cover my mouth.

  “Don’t you have a boyfriend? That dude you took to the gun range?… Haha, of course you’re a better shot than him, you’re a Reid. All right, hey I gotta go. I’ll let you know when to expect me….No parade!…Right, love ya. Later.”

  I wasn’t even reading anything on the screen as I sat smiling to myself. For some reason, Garrett talking to his sister made me all warm and fuzzy inside, which only intensified when his body heat coated my back and his hands rested on my shoulders and massaged.

  “You sound
like you really love your sister.”

  “Eh, she’s okay.” Garrett smiled. “Nah, she’s great. You’ll like each other.” He stopped kneading and jerked his thumb at the door. “Do you mind if I shower?”

  I faced the computer so he didn’t see my face. A female version of Garrett? That kind of scared me. And I didn’t know what to tell him about his assumption I’d meet the family. Were they going to come here? How was that going to go? Hey Ma and Nicole, sorry Kai can’t come to you. The thought of leaving his apartment makes him want to vomit. Can you visit?

  “Of course, go ahead.”

  “Awesome.” He backtracked to the door, still watching me. “And then I’ll…get a hotel or something? There’s one down the road.”

  “Don’t be stupid. You’re staying here.”

  That faint curve reappeared on Garrett’s lips again and he didn’t stop it from becoming a full smile. “You sure?”

  “I’m positive.”

  “I’ll make it worth your while.” Garrett’s eyes flicked over me. “As soon as I carb up, I’m ready for round two.”

  “Or…one and a half?”

  Garrett flipped me off, laughing silently, and left the room.

  Once I heard the shower start, I released a slow exhale. I would not think about the complications that would inevitably crop up in the future. I would not think about meeting his family. Garrett was here now, and I was going to focus on that. Pretend this was our cocoon and no one would come in, and it would never unravel. That was the only way I could protect myself.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  Garrett

  We spent two days covered in each other’s sweat.

  There was no way to know how long it would take to make up for the hours we’d spent speaking to each other from a distance of over seven thousand miles, but we tried. And kept very odd hours.

  There was no sleeping on the first night. Scavenging for food turned into sex on his kitchen floor, which led to naked peanut butter sandwiches. Talking about everything and nothing took us through the morning before we fell asleep in the early afternoon. There started a cycle of ordering a lunch and dinner combo, fucking off and on for hours, and cuddling, watching television, or talking way into the morning.