Another Fine Myth

by Robert Asprin

  "Now it's just you and me, Skeeve!" the voice echoed. "You and me."

  "I'll go!" I shouted desperately. "You've won. Just let me go."

  The darkness was moving closer.

  "It's too late. I'm coming for you Skeeve… Skeeve…."

  "Skeeve!"

  Something was shaking my shoulder. I bolted upright, blinking my eyes as the world swam back into focus. The camp was asleep. Aahz was kneeling beside me, the glow from the campfire's dying embers revealing the concerned expression on his face.

  "Wake up, kid! If you keep thrashing around, you'll end up in the fire."

  "It's Isstvan!" I explained desperately. "He knows all about us."

  "What?"

  "I was talking to him. He came into my dream!"

  "Hmmm… sounds more like a plain old nightmare," Aahz proclaimed. "I warned you not to let Tanda season the food."

  "Are you sure?" I said doubtfully.

  "Positive," Aahz insisted. "If Isstvan knew we were coming, he'd hit us with something a lot more powerful than making faces at you in a dream."

  I guess that was supposed to reassure me. It didn't. All it did was remind me I was thoroughly outclassed in the upcoming campaign.

  "Aahz, can't you tell me anything about Isstvan? What he looks like, for instance."

  "Not a chance, kid," Aahz grinned at me.

  "Why not?"

  "Because we won't both see him the same way, or at least we wouldn't describe him the same way. If I describe him to you, one of two things will happen when you first see him. If he looks scarier to you than I've described him, you'll freeze. If he looks more harmless than I've described him, you'll relax. Either way, it'll slow your reactions and give him the first move. There's no point in gaining the element of surprise if we aren't going to use it."

  "Well," I persisted. "Couldn't you at least tell me about his powers? What can he do?"

  "For one thing, it would take too long. Just assume that if you can imagine it, he can do it."

  "What's the other?" I asked.

  "The other what?"

  "You said 'for one thing.' That implies you have at least one other reason."

  "Hmm," Aahz pondered. "Well, I'm not sure you'll understand, but to a certain degree what he can do, I mean the whole list, is irrelevant."

  "Why?"

  "Because we're taking the initiative. That puts him in a reactive instead of an active role."

  "You're right," I said thoughtfully. "I don't understand."

  "Look kid, if we just sat here and waited for him, he could take his time and choose exactly what he wanted to do and when he wanted to do it. That's an active role and lets him play with his entire list of powers. Right?"

  "I guess so."

  "But we aren't doing that. We're carrying the attack to him. That should limit him as to what he can do. There are only a certain number of responses he can successfully use to each of our gambits, and he'll have to use them because he can't afford to ignore the attack. Most of all, we'll rob him of time. Instead of leisurely choosing what he's going to do next, he'll have to choose fast. That means he'll go with the option he's surest of, the one he does best."

  I considered this for a few moments. It sort of made sense.

  "Just one question, Aahz," I asked finally. "What's that, kid?"

  "What if you've guessed wrong?"

  "Then we drop back ten and punt," he answered lightly.

  "What's a…."

  "Then we try something else," he amended hastily.

  "Like what?"

  "Can't tell yet," Aahz shrugged. "Too many variables. We're going with my best guess right now. Beyond that we'll just have to wait and see."

  We sat staring into the dying fire for a few minutes, each lost in our own thoughts.

  "Say, Aahz?" I said at last.

  "Yea, kid?"

  "Do you think we'll reach Isstvan before Frumple does?"

  "Relax, kid. Frumple's probably drinking wine and pinching bottoms in some other dimension by now."

  "But you said…."

  "I've had time to think about it since then. The only reason a Deveel does anything is for a profit or out of fear. As far as his sticking his head into this brawl goes, I figure the fear will outweigh the profit. Trying to sell information to a madman is risky at best. My bet is he's lying low until the dust settles."

  I reminded myself again of my faith in Aahz's expertise in such matters. It occurred to me, however, there was an awful lot of guesswork in our planning.

  "Um, Aahz? Wouldn't it be a little safer if we had invested in a couple of those jazzy weapons back in Deva?"

  "We don't need them," he replied firmly. "Besides, they're susceptible to Gremlins. I'd rather go into a fight with a crude but reliable weapon than pin my hopes on a contraption that's liable to malfunction when you need it most."

  "Where are Gremlins from?" I asked.

  "What?"

  "Gremlins. You said…."

  "Oh, that. It's just a figure of speech. There are no such things as Gremlins."

  I was only listening with half an ear. I suddenly realized that while I could see Quigley's sleeping form, there was no sign of Tanda or Gleep.

  "Where's… urn… where's Gleep?" I asked abruptly.

  Aahz grinned at me.

  "Gleep is standing watch… and just in case you're interested, so's Tanda."

  I was vaguely annoyed he had seen through me so easily, but was determined not to show it.

  "When is… um… are they coming back?"

  "Relax, kid. I told Tanda to leave you alone tonight. You need the sleep for tomorrow."

  He jerked his head pointedly toward the assassin's robe I had been using for a pillow. I grudgingly resumed my horizontal position.

  "Did I wake you up, Aahz?" I asked apologetically. "With the nightmare, I mean."

  "Naw. I was still up. Just making a few last-minute preparations for tomorrow."

  "Oh," I said drowsily.

  "Say, uh, kid?"

  "Yes, Aahz?"

  "We probably won't have much time to talk tomorrow when Quigley's awake, so while we've got a few minutes alone I want to say however it goes tomorrow… well… it's been nice working with you, kid."

  "Gee, Aahz…." I said starting to sit up.

  A rough hand interrupted me and pushed me back down.

  "Sleep!" Aahz commanded, but there was a gentle note lurking in his gruff tone.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  "Since prehistoric man, no battle has ever gone as planned."

  -D. GRAEME

  WE crouched in a grove of small trees on a knoll overlooking the inn, studying our target. The inn was as Quigley had described it, an isolated two-story building with an attached stable squatting by a road overgrown with weeds. If Isstvan was relying on transients to support his business, he was in trouble, except we knew he was doing no such thing. He was mustering his strength to take over the dimensions, and the isolated inn was a perfect base for him to work from.

  "Are you sure there are no wards?" Aahz whispered.

  He addressed his question to Tanda. She in turn shot me a glance. I gave a small nod of my head.

  "Positive," she whispered back.

  It was all part of our plan. As far as Quigley was concerned, Tanda was the only one of our group that had any supernatural powers.

  "Good," said the demon hunter. "Demon powers make me uneasy. The less we have to deal with, the better I like it."

  "Don't get your hopes up," Aahz commented, not taking his eyes from the inn. "They're there all right.

  The easier it is to get in, the harder it'll be to get out… and they're making it awfully easy for us to get in."

  "I don't like it," said Tanda firmly.

  "Neither do I," admitted Aahz. "But things aren't going to get any better, so let's get started. You might as well get into disguise now."

  "Right, Aahz," she said.

  Neither of them looked at me. In fact Aahz stared di
rectly at Tanda. This kept Quigley's attention on her also, though I must admit it helped that she began to writhe and gyrate wildly. Unobserved, I shut my eyes and got to work.

  I was getting pretty good at this disguise game, which was fortunate because I was going to be sorely tested today. With a few masterful strokes, I converted Tanda's lovely features into the dubious face of the Imp Higgens… or rather Higgens's human disguise. This done, I opened my eyes again.

  Tanda was still gyrating. It was a pleasant enough sight that I was tempted to prolong it, but we had work to do. I cleared my throat and Tanda acknowledged the signal by stopping.

  "How do I look?" she asked proudly.

  "Terrific!" I exclaimed with no trace of modesty.

  Aahz shot me a dirty look.

  "It's uncanny!" Quigley marveled. "How do you do that?"

  "Professional secret." Tanda winked at him.

  "Off with you!" Aahz commanded. "And you too, Skeeve."

  "But Aahz, couldn't I…."

  "No you can't. We've discussed it before. This mission's far too dangerous for a lad of your inexperience."

  "Oh.all right, Aahz," I said, crestfallen.

  "Cheer up, lad," Quigley told me. "Your day will come. If we fail, the mission falls to you."

  "I suppose so. Well, good luck…."

  I turned to Tanda, but she was already gone, vanished as if the ground had swallowed her up.

  "I say!" exclaimed Quigley. "She does move quietly, doesn't she?"

  "I told you she could handle herself," Aahz said proudly. "Now it's your turn, Skeeve."

  "Right, Aahz!"

  I turned to the dragon.

  "Stay here, Gleep. I'll be back soon, and until then you do what Aahz says. Understand?"

  "Gleep?" said the dragon, cocking his head.

  For a minute I thought he was going to ruin everything, but then he turned and slunk to Aahz's side and stood there regarding me with mournful blue eyes.

  Everything was ready.

  "Well, good-bye. Good luck!" I called, and trudged slowly back over the knoll, hopefully a picture of abject misery.

  Once out of sight, however, I turned and began to sprint as fast as I could in a wide circle around the inn.

  On the surface, our plan was quite simple. Aahz and Quigley were to give Tanda enough time to circle around the inn and enter it over the stable roof. Then they were to boldly enter the front door. Supposedly this would create a diversion, allowing Tanda to attack Isstvan magically from the rear. I was to wait safely on the knoll until the affair was settled.

  In actuality, our plan was a bit more complex. Unbeknownst to Quigley, I was also supposed to circle the inn and find a covert entrance. Then, at the appropriate moment, Tanda and I were to create a magical diversion, allowing Aahz to use the secret weapon he had acquired on Deva.

  A gully blocked my path. I took to the air without hesitation and flew over it. I had to be in position in time, or Aahz would have no magical support at all.

  Actually magik was quite easy here. The inn was sitting squarely on an intersection of two ground force lines, while a force line in the air passed directly overhead. Whatever happened in the upcoming battle of magik, we wouldn't suffer for a lack of energy. I wished I knew more about Aahz's secret weapon. He had been doggedly mysterious about it, and neither Tanda nor I had been able to pry any information out of him. He had said it had to be used at close range. He had said it couldn't be used while Isstvan was watching him. He had said it was our only hope to beat Isstvan. He had said it was supposed to be a surprise. Terrific!

  Maybe when all this was over I would find a mentor who didn't have a sense of humor.

  I slowed my pace. I was coming to the back of the inn now. The brush had grown right up to the wall, which made my approach easy.

  I paused and checked for wards again.

  Nothing.

  Trying to force Aahz's "easy in, hard out" prophecy from my mind, I scanned the upper windows. None of them were open, so I chose the nearest one and levitated to it. Hovering there, I cautiously pushed, then pulled at the frame.

  Locked!

  Hurriedly, I pulled myself along the wall with my hands to the next window.

  Also locked.

  It occurred to me it would be ironic if, after all our magical preparations, we were stopped by something as mundane as a locked window.

  To my relief, the next window yielded to my pressure, and in a moment I was standing inside the inn, trying to get my heartbeat under control.

  The room I was in was furnished, but vacant. Judging from the dust on the bed, it had been vacant for some time. I wondered for a moment where demons slept, if they

  slept at all, then forced the question from my mind. Time was running out and I wasn't in position yet. I darted silently across the room and tried the door.

  Unlocked!

  Getting down on my hands and knees, I eased the door open and crawled through, pushing it shut behind me.

  After studying the inn's interior so often in Quigley's dirt sketches, it seemed strange to actually be here. I was on the long side of an L-shaped mezzanine which gave access to the upper-story rooms. Peering through the bars of the railing that lined the mezzanine, 1 could look down into the inn proper.

  There were three people currently occupying a table below, I recognized the disguised features of Higgens and Brockhurst as two of them. The third was sitting hunched with his back to me and I couldn't make out his face.

  I was debating shifting to another position to get a better view, when a fourth figure entered bearing an enormous tray with a huge jug of wine on it as well as an assortment of dirty flagons.

  "This round's on the house, boys!" the figure chortled merrily. "Have one on old Isstvan."

  Isstvan! That was Isstvan?

  The waddling figure below did not seem to display any of the menacing features I had expected in a would-be ruler of the dimensions.

  Quickly I checked him for a magical aura. There was none. It wasn't a disguise. He really looked like that. I studied him carefully.

  He was tall, but his stoutness kept his height from being imposing. He had long white hair and a longer white beard which nearly covered his chest with its fullness. His bright eyes were set in a face that seemed to be permanently smiling, and his nose and cheeks were flushed, though whether from drink or laughter I couldn't tell.

  This was the dark figure of evil I had been dreading all these weeks? He looked to be exactly what Quigley said he was… a harmless old inn-keeper.

  A movement at the far end of the mezzanine caught my eye. Tanda! She was crouched behind the railing as I was on the other side of the stairs, and at first I thought I had just seen the movement of her easing into position. Then she looked my way and cautiously waved her hand again, and I realized she was signaling for my attention. I waved an acknowledgment, which she must have seen, for she stopped signaling and changed to another set of actions. Glancing furtively at the figures below to

  be sure she wasn't observed, she began a strange pantomime. First she made several repeated gestures around her forehead, then pointed urgently behind her. I didn't understand, and shook my head to convey this.

  She repeated the gestures more emphatically, and this time I realized she was actually pointing down and behind her. The stables! Something about the stables.

  But what about the stables?

  I considered her first gesture again. She appeared to be stabbing herself in the forehead. Something had hit her in the stables? She had killed something in the stables? I shook my head again. She bared her teeth at me in frustration.

  "Innkeep!"

  I jumped a foot at the bellow.

  Aahz and Quigley had just walked through the door. Whatever Tanda was trying to tell me would just have to wait. Our attack had begun.

  "Two flagons of your best wine… and send someone to see to my unicorn."

  Aahz was doing all the talking, of course. It had been agreed that he w
ould take the lead in the conversation. Quigley hadn't been too happy about that, but in the end had consented to speaking only when absolutely necessary.

  Their entrance had had surprisingly little impact on the assemblage below. In fact, Isstvan was the only one to even look in their direction.

  "Come in. Come in, gentlemen," he smiled, spreading his arms wide in welcome. "We've been expecting you!"

  "You have?" blurted Quigley, echoing my thoughts. "Of course, of course. You shouldn't try to fool old Isstvan." He shook a finger at them in mock sternness. "Word was just brought to us by… oh, I'm sorry. I haven't introduced you to my new purchasing agent yet."

  "We've met," came the voice of the hunched figure as he turned to face them.

  Frumple!

  That's what Tanda had been trying to tell me! The war unicorn, Quigley's unicorn, was down in the stable. For all our speed, Frumple had gotten here ahead of us.

  "Who are you?" asked Quigley, peering at the Deveel.

  For some reason this seemed to set Isstvan off into peals of laughter from his eyes. "We are going to have such fun this afternoon!"

  He gestured absently and the inn door slammed shut. There was a sudden ripple of dull clunks behind me, and I realized the room doors were locking themselves. We were sealed in! All of us.

  "I don't believe I've had such a good time since I made love to my week-dead sister."

  Isstvan's voice was still jovial, but it struck an icy note of fear within me. I realized that not only was he a powerful magician, he was quite insane.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  "Ya gotta be subtle!"

  -M. HAMMER

  THERE was a tense, expectant silence as the foursome leaned forward to study their captives. It was as if two song-birds had tried to edge through a crowd of vultures to steal a snack only to find they were the intended meal.

  I knelt, watching in frozen horror, fully expecting to witness the immediate demise of my two allies.

  "Since Frumple's already announced us," Aahz said smoothly, "I guess there's no need to maintain this disguise."

  The confident tone of his voice steadied my shattered nerve. We were in it now, and win or lose we'd just have to keep going.