More of You: A Confessions of the Heart Stand-Alone Novel

by Jackson, A. L.

  “Do I? You were always different with her. Changing your tune, singing a different song from the one you’d been singing to me since I was a little kid.”

  But that was the way it’d always been with Faith, hadn’t it? She’d always made me feel like I was two different people.

  A fucking king in pauper’s clothes.

  Like her touch could calm the beast that raged inside me. Quiet the storm that had roiled and thrashed and threatened to take us out.

  Or maybe when I’d been around her, I’d become an entirely different person altogether.

  A better person.

  That was what had gotten us here to begin with. My dragging her into our sordid world when I’d known better all along.

  After everything, there was no chance I could sit back in Atlanta, where I’d built something for myself, putting my brother through school.

  The one thing he’d ever wanted was to be an attorney.

  Watching him attain it had felt like my own victory.

  After everything, seeing him survive was the only thing that had mattered.

  Ian sat forward in his chair, both elbows on the desk, drink held between his fingers, swinging back and forth like a well bucket. The etched glass caught the glittering rays of light that filtered in through the window from over his shoulder.

  “I know you want to take care of her, Jace, but we all know you’re asking for trouble.”

  There had always been something about Faith that had set Ian on edge, like he was fearful of losing me if I gave myself to her.

  In the end, I guessed it was a worry that hadn’t been that far off base.

  Dark laughter rumbled free. “Haven’t I always asked for trouble?”

  “Yeah. And every single time it was for the sake of someone else. You’ve always stepped into the middle of things to take care of some leech who didn’t appreciate you. Who didn’t have the first clue as to what you were actually sacrificing for them. When are you going to start watching out for yourself?”

  My face pinched in anger. “You think Faith would actually take advantage of me?”

  Ian sighed. “Not what I said, and you know it. Only leeches I was talking about were me and that piece of shit who has you in deep again. Asshole just keeps taking, even from the grave. How many times did you get yourself into hot water doing something for him? For me? And Faith is neck deep in that mess. You get any closer, and she’s going to drown you.”

  His head angled to the side, like he actually thought he might be able to talk me into walking away from her.

  From him.

  Like I’d ever take back the things I’d sacrificed for both of them.

  “I’m your older brother. You were mine to look out for.”

  A hot puff of hatred spouted from his nose before he drained the rest of the whiskey from the glass. His voice was twisted in hostility as he slammed it back down onto the wood.

  “No . . . that pathetic bitch who was supposed to be our mother was supposed to look out for me. For us. And instead of getting to be a kid, you basically had to spend your days wiping my nose and making sure I didn’t fucking starve.”

  Uneasiness moved through me. That was the thing about Ian. He’d been pissed growing up.

  Mean. Miserable. Nasty.

  Lashing out at the cruelty of the world every chance he got.

  He was still a vicious fucker. There was a darkness inside him that scared me sometimes. Made me worry that, one day, he would take his bitterness too far.

  But with me? He didn’t hesitate to lay it out. Make himself vulnerable by admitting the position we’d been in.

  “You think I regret taking care of you? You’re my brother. I love you. Simple as that.”

  Concern blazed in the depths of his eyes just as a taunt slid off his tongue. “So, does that mean you still love her, then?”

  Emotion gripped me in all the wrong places. My damned heart threatening to beat out of my chest. It made me want to do a little of that lashing out.

  But I’d gotten him mixed up in this, I couldn’t very well get pissed that he had questions about my intentions.

  “Would like to know the answer to that myself,” Mack added, fingers tugging at his jeans, directing all that pent-up, radiating fury at the fabric.

  I was supposed to be able to handle coming back here.

  I thought I had it all under control.

  A plan.

  But finding her standing on her porch in the middle of the night had made it hard to think of any other reason than her.

  Loving her.

  Holding her.

  Protecting her.

  The girl was so goddamned perfect, it had nearly made me forget why I was there in the first place.

  Beauty.

  That was what she was.

  Soft and sweet. So pretty and fierce in her stoic, wistful way. Like she could take on an army just standing there with the wind whipping through her hair.

  She was the one who’d filled me with the belief that I could change my world.

  She’d made me believe in something bigger. In something better.

  Hadn’t mattered what I’d started to believe. I’d ended up in the same place anyway.

  Without her.

  Fucking destroyed.

  It’d been a tough lesson for a lovesick, teenaged kid to learn.

  How to protect himself.

  How to build up the steel bars necessary to make it through this tortuous life.

  How to keep the assholes waiting around every corner from eating him alive.

  But sometimes I wondered if I would have ever found the determination to build the empire I had without the memory of her words.

  Without the way she’d looked at me like I was something different from what the rest of the world had seen.

  I’d left here this wrecked, battered kid, crushed in a way I’d never expected, and somehow, I’d found the grit to push through and to take my little brother with me.

  Like somewhere inside me, I knew how much it fucking mattered.

  Maybe I’d just wanted to prove to all the pricks around here that they were wrong.

  Or fuck . . . maybe I’d wanted to prove to her that she was right.

  I took a steeling gulp of the liquid fire, eye trained on the floor in front of me, voice grating over the words. “Will always love her. Doesn’t change anything though, now, does it?”

  “Seems to me that everything has changed,” Ian said, rocking back in his chair, eyeing me from across the expanse of his massive desk.

  The guy was so intimidating and successful, that just sitting there, looking at how he oozed power, I couldn’t help but feel fucking proud.

  Fucking proud that he’d made it. That we’d run it together and survived. Didn’t mean I didn’t still worry.

  For his heart and his spirit.

  The guy so damned cold I was wondering when he’d finally freeze everyone out.

  “Won’t touch her, if that’s what you’re getting at.”

  “No?” Ian challenged.

  “No way in hell.”

  It didn’t matter how much I might want to.

  Twisted humor snaked its way across Ian’s face. “What? You have some kind of moral dilemma now?”

  “What . . . like her being our dead cousin’s widow? Is that the moral dilemma you’re talking about?” I bit out, anger and revulsion pulsing through my veins.

  “Funny how Joseph didn’t have a problem climbing into her bed after you’d been there.”

  I fisted my hand on my thigh, trying to keep my cool. Knowing this was just Ian’s way.

  Laying it out.

  Not worried that he was poking the beast.

  Or maybe that was exactly what he wanted to do.

  I sucked in a shattered breath, cool slipping fast. “Some things just turn out the way they’re supposed to,” I grated.

  “Is that right?” His voice was incredulous. Almost mocking.

  Leaning forward, I d
ropped my elbows to my knees and my attention to the ground again, trying to keep my anger under control. I could feel it slipping, seeping from my pores.

  “Never deserved her.”

  Ian slammed his palm down on his desk. “Bullshit. I’m thinking it was the other way around.”

  Startled, my head jerked up.

  He pointed at me. “You saved my fucking life, time and again. I don’t care what happened in the past or what you’ve had to do. The only thing that matters is who you are. You’re the best guy I know . . . and the fact you think you don’t deserve to be happy? That’s every kind of wrong, Jace. Faith would be lucky to have you.”

  He scraped a flustered hand through his hair, hidden emotion bleeding free. “Shit . . . I know you love her, man. But I’m not willing to lose you over her again.”

  “It’s too late, anyway. There’s too much history between the two of us.”

  Too much hurt.

  Too many lies.

  “Why’s that?”

  “She hates me.”

  And she only stood to hate me more when she found out what I’d done.

  “Bullshit,” he said again. This time quieter, tone shifting in emphasis. “That girl has loved you since the day she first saw you.”

  “Not so sure about that.”

  I mean, God, she’d been married to Joseph before I could even explain to her why I had to go in the first place. If she’d loved me so much, how could she have done that?

  Hooked up with him?

  I hated not knowing, but I was pretty damned sure I couldn’t handle knowing, either.

  Ian huffed a frustrated sound. “You’re an idiot, brother. You want to be miserable your whole goddamned life?”

  Pointedly, I glanced up at him. “Guess I’d be in good company, wouldn’t I?”

  “Fuck you, man. I’m as happy as can be.” He lifted his arms out to his sides, gesturing around him, like his expensive suit and expensive furnishings in his corner office was the giver of joy.

  I knew better.

  Firsthand.

  But money sure as hell made things easier, and I’d gladly give up every dime of mine to make up for what I’d done. Make her life easier, too.

  “Think Faith has had enough of being yanked around, yeah?” Mack almost challenged, glaring between the two of us. “Why don’t we focus on whoever this fucker is rather than quibbling over who deserves what, because I’m pretty sure what both of you deserve is to get your asses handed to you.”

  I sighed and then chuckled. “Why don’t you tell us how you feel, man?”

  He nearly rolled his eyes. “Want me to profess my love to the two of you? Keep dreamin’.”

  “Oh, come on, Mack, know you’ve been dreaming of me,” Ian baited.

  “Dreaming of squeezing the life out of you.”

  “Ouch.” Ian threw his hand over his heart, so overdramatic that this time I was the one rolling my eyes. “You wound me, Mack. Wound me.”

  “Keep it up, and I will,” Mack razzed.

  I blew out a sigh, needing to get back on course, and I gestured to the reports Mack had brought with him. “Did you guys find anything?”

  Mack rubbed a hand over the flop of hair on top of his head. “Nothing inside. Nothing out of place other than the tub. No fingerprints. Just one goddamned footprint out front. Size eleven and a half. Boot that could belong to a thousand people.”

  Fear clamped down on my chest.

  Heavy and hard.

  Fury building into its own beat. Something that felt outside my heart. Bigger than me.

  “Seems to me, we hunt down every asshole within a hundred-mile radius who wears a size eleven and a half.”

  “Ah . . . guess that clears my name. Size thirteen, bitches.” Ian smirked, the smug bastard.

  I cut him a glare.

  Mack clapped me on the knee. “You aren’t going to do anything except fix that porch and call me if you see anything out of the ordinary.”

  Mack pushed to his towering, hulking height. “Keep on the straight and narrow. Think you know well enough that you can’t afford to find yourself handcuffed in the back of a cruiser again. We clear?”

  He didn’t wait for an answer. He just rapped a fist on the wall as he strode out the door.

  Nine

  Jace

  A rush of anxiousness rolled down my spine as I knocked on the front door, trying to keep my cool.

  Wasn’t like I hadn’t spent the entire night staking out the front of her house. She’d been tucked safely inside, behind closed doors, which had made it a whole ton of a lot easier to focus on why I was there.

  All those reasons scattered in the wind when the front door whipped open.

  It took everything I had not to stumble back. I should have been prepared. It wasn’t like it was the first time I’d seen her since I’d gotten back. But every single time, it nearly knocked me from my feet.

  My attention darted down to her bare legs. My heart slammed against my ribs. Faith was wearing nothing but a flimsy pair of tiny pajama bottoms and a white tank top.

  Then my heart froze when my attention landed on the little girl who peeked out from between her mother’s long, slender legs. She stood behind Faith, holding the outside of her mom’s legs and was peering at me as if through the bars on a cage.

  Faith this fortress in front of her.

  Protective and perfect.

  My insides tangled.

  Yeah. That little thing was going to be a problem. It wasn’t like I hadn’t known they’d had a kid. But, fuck, seeing it was a whole different ball game.

  Like that impossible piece of hope inside me had been written on a scrap of paper. Kept hidden away. And was then ripped up and torn to shreds.

  I pinned a smile onto my face, hoping it didn’t come off as too fake, and lifted the two one-gallon paint cans up at my sides. “Stain or white?”

  Not that I needed the answer yet.

  I just needed a reason to talk to her.

  See her face.

  Honestly, I was weeks away from being ready to paint anything.

  Yesterday, I’d managed to get a few solid planks secured between the front door and steps.

  They’d have to be fully ripped out and replaced when I got to this section, but for the time being, someone could leave the house without the worry of falling and breaking their neck.

  A frown pulled across Faith’s pretty face, and her gaze swept across the porch to the small patch off to the left where I’d started to pull out the old planks.

  Her attention came back to me, worry on her brow. “You didn’t make it very far yesterday.”

  I laughed out a feigned sound of offense. “Trying to get rid of me already?”

  Chocolate eyes narrowed, and her full lips pursed, glistening in the sun, tendrils of hair sweeping down over her slender shoulders while the rest of it was piled in a restless mess on the top of her head.

  Lust was such a bitch.

  It came on at the most inopportune times.

  Like when I was standing there with her little girl peeking out from behind her mother’s legs like the tiny thing was there to do the protecting rather than the other way around.

  God. I was a sick fuck.

  But this woman just about did me in.

  She always had.

  I gulped it down.

  Pretended like my dick wasn’t straining in my jeans.

  Pretended I didn’t wish I was waking up with those legs wrapped around me rather than alternating between spending the night sitting in the front seat of my car and pacing the property.

  “You said you were gonna patch the porch.”

  A smirk pulled at the corner of my mouth. “No, I didn’t, Faith. I said I was going to fix the porch. The entire thing needs to be replaced. Top and bottom.”

  Her eyes widened and her lips parted in shock.

  My guts twisted.

  I thought that each time I saw her, it might get easier, that I’d be able to lo
ck down the need racing inside me.

  And the only thing happening was those thoughts were coming stronger.

  Urges and ideas filling my mind.

  Taking her. That body and her mind and that heart that was supposed to be mine.

  She crossed her arms over her chest. “That’s two levels of porch that wrap around the entire house.”

  “I never said I wasn’t up for the challenge.”

  Worry flooded her tone. “That will cost thousands and thousands of dollars, Jace.”

  “So what?”

  She took a floundering step forward. Like she was struck with a sudden bolt of anger. “So what? So what?” Her hands fisted at her sides.

  Her little girl was still clinging to the backs of her legs. She came forward with the movement like she was an extension of her mother.

  Faith’s voice lowered in an emphatic hiss. “So, I don’t have any money to pay for that, that’s what.”

  “Didn’t ask you for any.”

  “I’m no beggar.”

  Yeah, well I was going to be in about five seconds if she didn’t stop worrying at that plump bottom lip with her teeth.

  “Never said you were.”

  “Jace.”

  I stepped back, shaking my head. “This isn’t up for discussion, Faith. I told you I was going to fix your porch. You accepted. You can’t take that back now.”

  Redness climbed to her face, something like shame and embarrassment written there. “It’s just . . . so much time. So much money. I don’t understand why you want to do this for me.”

  Had she forgotten everything she’d done for me? The kindness she’d shown me when everyone else walked by and kicked me like I was a dog?

  Couldn’t keep the softness from infiltrating my tone. “I want to do it.”

  Something tender moved through her features. Something so familiar that it punched me in the gut.

  “It’s going to be okay, Faith. It is.”

  Her eyes pinched, and I cleared my throat. “Now . . . white or stain?” I asked, lifting the containers in each hand, because I needed to step back, get the hell away from her before I leaned in closer.

  Ran my nose along the soft slope of her delicate neck.

  Her little girl poked her head through her mother’s legs, hands clinging to the backs of her knees, the child grinning like crazy through a veil of soft brown curls. “Pink!”