Compass

by Jeanne McDonald

  “Lex?” Ryan’s eyes fluttered open upon finding the spot beside him empty and cold.

  “Yeah?”

  Alexis sat at the end of the bed, her knees drawn to her chest, as she peered out the window. Darkness still shrouded the world, but the morning glow lightened the sky to hues of blue and green. Ryan shifted in the bed. Alexis remained unmoved, her back turned to him, closing herself off. The distance between them worried Ryan.

  “You okay?”

  “I’m fine.” Her voice sounded lifeless.

  “You’re lying to me.”

  He sat up, pushing the covers away from his body and crawled to the end of the bed. He pulled her between his legs, drawing her to his chest. She swiped a tear from her face, her head falling back against his breastbone. Yet even with her this close, she felt a million miles away. Whatever was going on inside her was pulling her away from him. After the night they’d spent together, this behavior confused him. It even aggravated him.

  Only hours earlier he’d been awaken by her kissing him. She’d taken him again, made him hers. He’d never spent a night like that with a woman. There’d been times he thought he’d been in love, but none of his past girlfriends ever made him feel the way he did with her. He shared things with her that he’d never even considered doing with another woman. The memory of her touch was forever ingrained into his memory and on his heart. It killed him to see her crying when he felt so happy.

  “Talk to me,” he pleaded.

  “I don’t know how.” Her torpid tone and sniffles ate at him.

  This wasn’t the woman he taken to bed with him. No, this was an imposter who’d body snatched his Alexis. It had to be. He’d expected to wake once again to another round of great sex, the best he’d ever had, and then spend a day with her before he had to set back out to work the next day. This couldn’t be happening.

  “Alexis, please don’t shut me out. Just tell me what I did wrong, so I can fix it.”

  She jerked around, facing him. Her red eyes and swollen nose sent another dagger to his chest. “You didn’t do anything wrong. That’s the problem. You’re perfect. Too perfect.” Her hands flung around as she spoke. “I’ve never known anyone to be so sweet, kind, funny, and possessive. Do you know how sexy that shit is?” She scrubbed her hands over her face. “And handsome. You were cute when we were kids, but Jesus, look at you.” Her hands waved up and down his bare chest. “And oh my god, I can’t begin to tell you how you made me feel last night, but Ryan, I’m not the right girl for you. I’m not the right girl for any man.” A new swell of tears left tracks down her cheeks.

  Ryan reached up, drying her eyes with the pads of his thumbs. “What makes you think that?”

  “Because it’s the truth. If we keep this up, one of two things is going to happen. Either you’ll hurt me or I’ll hurt you. It’s inevitable. Nothing lasts. Look at my parents. They loved each other once and we see how well that turned out.”

  “Yeah, but then look at mine. They’ve been married for thirty-eight years and are still happy. You can’t compare us to anyone else.” He brushed her hair back from her face, cupping her cheeks in his hands. “You can only take us one day at a time.”

  She sucked in her bottom lip. “But what if this doesn’t work? Then not only do I lose you as a lover but as a friend. I don’t think I can handle that. I already lost you once. I can’t lose you again.”

  “And you won’t. You’re not going to lose me. Ever.”

  Alexis jumped back, her feet landing on the floor. She started to pace, ripping at her hair. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep. You don’t know what tomorrow holds.”

  Ryan moved from the bed, gripping her by the shoulders. “And neither do you. That doesn’t mean we should stop living today because we don’t have a promise for tomorrow.”

  “But what if I can’t give you what you want?” she screeched.

  “What I want is you!” he yelled back, shaking her slightly. “I want you. Nothing more.”

  “What about love? A family? You said you want kids.”

  Ryan released her, rushing his fingers through his own hair. “I do want those things. And I’d love them with you, but that doesn’t mean I want them right at this very moment. I want to get to know you again. I want to learn why your brows pinch together when you’re focusing on something really hard, or why you hum that tune all the time, or why you’re always bouncing your knees.” He placed his hand over her chest, feeling her heartbeat against his palm. “I remember the girl, but I want to know what makes the woman tick.”

  Alexis looked up at him, her eyelashes soaked with tears. “Why do you want to know those things? Why do you want me?”

  He raised his hand, stroking her cheek. “Because you’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met. You listed all the qualities you see in me. Well, let me do the same for you.” Ryan led her back to the end of the bed where he sat down.

  “In you, I see a beautiful, smart, fiery woman who’s made me feel things I’ve never felt before.” He gripped her by the hips, pulling her between his knees. Her hands landed on his shoulders and his body instantly reacted to the warmth of her skin. “Do you feel that? You do that to me. I’m possessive only with you. I’ve never─and you can ask anyone─been that way with any other woman. You bring it out of me. I want to rip Declan’s head off, and any man for that matter, for even looking at you. You’re mine. From the moment Makenna brought me that silly little compass on the plane, I felt whole again. You make my heart feel whole again.”

  “Always and forever,” she whispered.

  “Always and forever,” he repeated.

  Ryan slipped his arms around her waist, pulling her into his lap. “I’m so sorry,” she cried. “I’ve ruined everything.”

  “Not at all. I’m glad you opened up to me, though. You mean everything to me, Lex.”

  She lifted her face and wiped the tears from her eyes. “That’s what scares me, because it’s exactly how I feel about you. You’re my world.”

  Ryan felt a staggering wave of relief. He smiled, kissing the tip of her nose. “Give us a chance, Lex. That’s all I ask.”

  She nodded her head, her eyes screwed shut. “Okay.” Silence engulfed them. Ryan rocked her in his arms, kissing her smooth skin. She was still gloriously naked and more beautiful than any woman should ever dare to be. Her dark hair was wild and carefree and her skin flushed and pink from their romps throughout the night. Ryan reached behind him and pulled a blanket around them.

  The longer they sat there, the more she relaxed in his arms. The silence was comforting, almost a promise between them. He pressed a kiss to her temple. He dared to break the silence as he asked, “You hungry?”

  “A little.”

  “What do you say we get dressed and go get some breakfast?”

  Her lips brushed against his. “Okay.”

  She slipped off his lap, taking the blanket with her. Ryan caught her eyes shifting down to his hips. His body had reacted to her sweet kiss in delicious ways. He leaned back, placing his weight on his hands. “I told you, you do things to me.”

  She groaned. “This is not the way to get me out of here.”

  Ryan stood up, pulling her into his arms. “Go get dressed, woman.” He swatted her behind. She glared at him, stomping her feet. Ryan laughed. He flicked on the lights to find his own discarded clothes. “We have the whole day to play,” he teased. “But first, I need food.”

  Alexis dropped the blanket. “Fine.” It was Ryan’s turn to groan, as she bent forward, giving him the most glorious view of her body.

  “Oh, you’re good,” he grumbled, slipping on his pants.

  “Just playing your game,” she teased, as she pulled her pants on without her panties.

  “Too good,” he growled, forcing himself to get dressed.

  In no time, they were both dressed and in the car.

  The drive was a quiet but cozy one. The sun was more than a shadow over the horizon, bringing to life t
he dawn of a new day. There was a chill in the October air, so Ryan turned on the heater to keep her warm. When they reached their destination, he parked the car.

  Alexis’ brow furrowed in confusion. Ryan had brought her to the airport, of all places. They parked in a field, close enough to the runway to feel the planes rumble as they made their descent or landing, but far enough away to be safe.

  “Um, what happened to us getting food?” she questioned.

  He reached behind them and pulled a blanket from the backseat. “I thought we could watch the sunrise first.” He jumped out of the vehicle. Within a few strides, he was at her door and helped her out of the car. “I love coming up here,” he mused. “Especially in the mornings.”

  Leaves crunched under their shoes and the soft grass rumpled with each step they took. “It’s beautiful.”

  Ryan wrapped his arm around her waist, drawing her into his side. “I know you fear falling, in more ways than one.”

  “Ryan,” she whispered.

  “No. Hear me out.” He kissed her temple and released her. He withdrew the blanket from under his arm and spread it out over the grass. “You’re the first and only woman I’ve ever brought here. Not even Reagan has been to this spot with me. I come here to think. This is peace to me. To watch the planes coming and going. Each one holds a new adventure for its passengers.” Ryan walked around to the driver’s side of the car and reached through the window. He turned the headlights off and turned the stereo up.

  Alexis sat down on the blanket, pulling her legs beneath her. Ryan plopped down beside her, crossing his legs out in front of him. “This is a new adventure for us. There maybe disturbances along the way, but that’s what makes life fun.”

  The chill of the morning air licked their skin. They should’ve felt cold, but neither of them seemed to care. Ryan moved in closer to her, stroking his thumb over the top of her hand. The clouds slowly passed across the sky, coloring the sliver of sun with a haze.

  A plane made its descent to the earth. From where they sat, they could smell the rubber meeting the pavement and the ground rumble as the wheels made contact. “But what if we crash and burn?” she wondered.

  “We won’t.” Ryan turned to her, taking her hands in his.

  “What makes you so certain?”

  His face blossomed with hope. “Do you trust me?”

  She smiled, kissing him tenderly. “That’s a silly question.”

  He shrugged. “Then trust me to protect you. Trust me to never let you fall.”

  Alexis chuckled. “That makes no sense, Ryan. I thought people were supposed to fall in love.”

  Ryan tapped the tip of her nose. “Falling hurts. Love’s not supposed to hurt. It’s supposed to free you, to lift you higher. To make you fly.”

  “But I’m afraid of flying.”

  Ryan shook his head, confident in himself. “No. You said you’re afraid of falling. I’m not going to let you fall. I’m going to make you soar.”

  Engulfed in a peaceful silence, Ryan and Alexis sat gazing at the taxi that pulled up to the airplane. A soft wind blew past them, ruffling Alexis’ hair around her face. Ryan brushed back the straying strands from her eyes and tenderly kissed the top of her head.

  “This one goes out to all the lovers tonight,” the radio DJ announced. The sweet melody of a ballad from their high school years filled the air around them.

  Ryan bounded to his feet, his hand extended toward her, and requested, “Dance with me?”

  “What?” Alexis chirped in shock.

  “Pretend it’s prom night and I’ve just made sweet love to you for the first time.” He winked at her. “Now, we’re back in the auditorium and it’s the last dance of the night. So, like I said, dance with me,” he coerced.

  She laughed, taking his outstretched hand. Ryan pulled her flush against his chest and began swaying to the beat of the music. With her pressed against him, he couldn’t help but feel every emotion well up inside him. Alexis was his center. His rock. Without her, his life seemed meaningless.

  “Who did you take to prom?” she teased.

  Ryan dipped her down, kissing the hollow of her throat. “Stephanie Jargowsky.”

  “Are you serious?”

  Ryan pulled her back to him, leading her to the rhythm of the music. “Yeah, well, my best friend left me all alone. I had to take someone.”

  “But Stephanie?” she whined. “That bitch always hated me.”

  Ryan laughed. “She was jealous of you. But have no fear, nothing more than a kiss happened between us.”

  Alexis shot him an amused look. “Oh, really?”

  “She was a terrible kisser,” he snarled. “All tongue. I think she even licked my nose.”

  Alexis dropped her head back in laughter. “Now that’s funny.”

  “Not to the eighteen year old version of me who still cringes at the thought of her.” He shivered and gagged.

  “So,” she purred, “I’m a good kisser?”

  Ryan rubbed his nose to hers. “The best I’ve ever had.”

  He stopped swaying and tilted her face to his. Under the expanding sunlight and the glow of the runway lights, her brown eyes popped with an expression that he knew only as love. Slowly, he let down his guard and moved his lips toward hers.

  “Ryan,” she breathed, her chest rising in anticipation.

  “Alexis.” Her name fell from his lips like a beautiful love sonnet.

  There he kissed her. Not to take from her, but to give to her. In his kiss, held his soul. He wanted her and nothing more. Just as he started to drop her down to the blanket, ready to make her his again, right there in that field, the song changed, halting his movements.

  A deep voice echoed from the radio, interrupting them with childish lyrics.

  Alexis and Ryan stared at one another, laughing. “This is like the worst song ever,” Alexis screeched.

  “What the hell is wrong with that DJ?”

  “You tell me! You’re the one who picked this station.” They laughed, but started to sing, unable to contain their childish exuberance. Before long, Ryan and Alexis were both bouncing and singing about a life in plastic being fantastic.

  Later, they made a trip to their favorite diner before returning to her apartment where they shared a day of making love and getting to know one another all over again.

  Alexis sat on the counter in Ryan’s kitchen. Her legs dangled back and forth as she watched him create his culinary masterpiece. It was Christmas Eve and everyone they loved had gathered together at Ryan and Declan’s apartment for an unusual holiday feast. While Ryan and Alexis were holed up in the kitchen, the rest of their guests were gathered in the living room, chatting, drinking, and watching a Christmas film.

  “Lex, Baby, taste this. Tell me what you think.” Ryan lifted his index finger to her lips, which was covered in spicy mayonnaise. He wore a hachimaki wrapped around his head, making him look silly but adorable. His handsome face was lit up with his bright smile; his eyes gleamed with Christmas spirit.

  Alexis leaned forward, taking his finger between her lips, sucking the creamy garlic concoction from his skin. She watched as his eyes dilated, widening at the sound of her moan and the swirl of her tongue around his forefinger. She released his appendage with a pop, licking her lips. “Perfect.”

  A crooked sort of grin twisted Ryan’s mouth. He leaned into her, pressing a sweet but tantalizing kiss to her lips. “You know you can’t do that to me right now,” he whispered.

  “Do what?” she teased. “This, perhaps?” Alexis cupped the side of his face, her tongue sweeping over his lips. He accepted her invitation without haste, their mouths meeting in a sensual kiss.

  “If only we didn’t have everyone here,” he panted when she’d freed him.

  Grinning in confidence, she patted his cheek. “True, but just wait ‘til we’re alone tonight. The things I’m going to do to you...”

  Ryan let out a moan, shaking his head. “Such a tease.”

 
“Yes, well, had you not insisted on making a meal like this tonight,” she waved her hand out, indicating the massive spread of sticky rice, nori, seafood, and fresh vegetables Ryan had set up along the counter, “we might’ve had some alone time.” She tossed a carrot in her mouth, thrusting her legs out, then slamming them back against the counter.

  Ryan reached over, placing his hands on her knees, stopping her legs from moving. “Yes, but you love sushi,” he spoke with conviction.

  Alexis swallowed down her bite. Those green eyes of his burned deep into her soul. No matter how hard she tried to fight the feelings that ached inside her, they always seemed to win out. Neither of them had said the dreaded L-word, but at moments like this, she wanted to. Love still frightened her, but the longer they were together, the more comfortable she became with the thought of giving herself to one person. And Ryan was worth it.

  “True, but I would’ve been happy with a turkey that bakes all day, leaving time for the fun stuff before company arrives. Besides, who eats sushi for Christmas dinner, anyway?”

  Alexis recalled Ryan’s love for the holidays from when they were children. She remembered sitting up with him on Christmas Eve the year they discovered that Santa Claus wasn’t real. Unlike most children, Ryan wasn’t upset to discover the myth. Instead, he took it as a challenge to make Christmas all the more special each year. Now, as an adult, he maintained that tradition by decorating his apartment with the most festive of decorations. Alexis swore he must’ve followed every DIY site available, because the man could put Martha Stewart to shame with his holiday flare.

  Ryan tweaked her cheek before grabbing his chef’s knife to dice up cucumbers. “I wanted to make this a special night. I’m wearing my hachimaki and everything.” With a steady hand, Ryan sliced through the vegetable with swift, smooth precision.

  Alexis reached over, nabbing some crabmeat. “And you look adorable, but this isn’t holiday food.”