Probe

by Douglas E Roff

  “Yes. Oh yes, that was exactly what I felt. Exactly what I wanted to feel with you, to have that feeling I used to have when we were in love. For me to be strong and confident, like I could do anything, be anybody or whatever I wanted. Everything was possible. Everything. I was intoxicated every time we were together. I wanted to be drunk like that again.”

  Adam paused.

  “So, I went into my mind and brought up that feeling, the intensity and joy of just being with you. That feeling that everything was right, and nothing was wrong. And that nothing could ever be wrong or go wrong. But there was more too. I felt the love that we felt, both of us. From you and from me. Both at the same time. Even I wasn’t aware I could experience that. It was union, even if it was only transitory.

  “But I went somewhere else, too. Somewhere I shouldn’t have gone, except with your permission. I went to the part of your mind that remembered your hurt and pain; the things I had done, maybe that I never understood, and I felt that too. Then I knew what I had done, finally and just how deeply I had hurt you. It was wrong, and I’ll never do that again. I am truly sorry.”

  “No Adam don’t be. I understand why you did it. And I’m happy you did. No more anger now, never again for either of us. There’s no need. You understand. It’s a gift.”

  “I want you both to know that I didn’t poke around in your minds, just looking for whatever I could find. But some things came to me, I think because of what I was looking for.”

  Vera asked, “Like what?”

  “Like the love you each feel for the other. The pain and joy; the uncertainty you both sometimes experience; it’s calming and it’s troubling, and yet you are so deeply, deeply in love. You both cry for the other when you think no one sees. And you cry for the same reasons, but you never show it. You should. Because you’re happy. Happy with each other, happy comforted against an insane and cruel world that both frightens and inspires you. You belong, belong to something better, something greater than each of you can ever be when you’re separate and alone. Stronger and more defiant; at ease with who you have become. And your journey feels new and unblemished.

  “And you, Miss Vera, you are such a hopeless romantic and such a girl. I didn’t realize any soul could be so considerate and caring. You think of Hannah always. Always. The immensity of that love is almost too much to contain in one person, but you do. Hannah is a lucky woman. Very lucky.”

  Hannah reflected on what she heard and reflected on the cost this might mean to Adam. Such a gift, she thought, cannot be without consequence.

  “Adam, are you OK? Will you be OK? Is this a good gift or will there be consequences?”

  Hannah’s insight surprised Adam. But then, it was Hannah. “Truthfully, I don’t know. I truly don’t. Some of it, most of it, I control. But some part of it seems to control me. Or at least things are revealed to me I’m not looking for.”

  Adam stopped.

  “Perhaps control is the wrong word. I am guided or directed some places, not all of which I would want or would choose to go. It’s like the price for one thing I want is offset by something else I may not want. It can be painful, deeply painful to watch great evil being done to another soul, someone you may care very deeply about. That was my original connection to Alana, how Misti and I started with her.”

  Adam continued, “Her experience with me has been cathartic and cleansing; she has healed quickly. And yet, there is still more to resolve. But she knows, somehow intuitively understands, that her past pain is finally ending, and that Misti and I somehow will have a role in resolving it. But none of us know exactly yet what that is yet.”

  “Have you been able to understand the extent of your gift? Do you understand it consciously, or does it just unfold?” Hannah was concerned. Vera was on the verge of tears. Vera had only considered the fun; she had missed that with any gift there may be strings attached, consequences. Sometimes severe consequences.

  His gift might also have deeper meaning for her. His mention of Alana – was it a mere account or a message?

  “There is a price to pay for using this gift. I experience the same pain that is inflicted on others, the hurt and anxiety, the terrible feelings of helplessness and terror. The difference now is that I am in control. But my skills are evolving; some rapidly, some less rapidly. But I know my path. It has been revealed to me, so I have no fear, no trepidation of what will now happen. It’s a blessing, even when it isn’t much fun. And it’s a gift I deeply desire.”

  Vera spoke up, “We don’t have to do this you know. Any of this. Maybe it’s just too dangerous for you to experiment with yourself in this way.”

  Vera was feeling uncomfortable. Wishing now that she had never started down this path. When it seemed quirky and harmless, it was fine. But maybe it wasn’t going to be harmless, especially for her.

  He knows.

  “I couldn’t stop now, even if I wanted to. It would be like asking me to stop thinking or breathing. It’s in my DNA. No worries, ladies. It’s all good.”

  Hannah was unconvinced.

  Vera worried that she was being selfish and a horrible human being. Adam must know that now too.

  Vera was wrong. Adam knew something else and he would address this matter with her right away. There was no time to lose.

  “Can I speak to each of you separately? Just for a moment?”

  ***

  Vera went first. They stepped into the bedroom she shared with Hannah and wondered what Adam could want to say to her. Alone. Then it surfaced almost as quickly as it did every day and Vera now felt a sudden panic.

  “I know. I’m so sorry Vera, but I know. I didn’t seek out this knowledge about you, but it seems that part of my gift, sometimes my burden, is that knowledge, deeply repressed knowledge sometimes seeks me out. Seeks me out to do something, to heal things that linger far past their intended expiration date. These things appear to be unintended but, yet they happen. I am asked to heal that rift. And so, it is with you. I’m so sorry.”

  Vera burst into tears, into great sobs and in immense torrents of unrelenting pain. She rushed into Adam’s arms and held him, as if in letting go she would again spiral out of control and re-experience the horror that she had tried so hard to repress. But it lingered, just as Adam said it did.

  Its triggers were many and varied and she sometimes sought only numbness and oblivion, so she could find even a moment of peace. To find a way to quiet the visions and calm the turbulence that swirled in her mind – a mind that never seemed to relent. It dogged and diminished the joy of this new life she had come to believe could be her one true path to happiness.

  Vera hadn’t shared any of this pain with Hannah. She could not, would not share any part of her past if her pain could spill over and cause pain to Hannah too. She buried it in her heart and bore the pain that surfaced every day and more deeply whenever this perversity found a way to surface and wound her even more.

  Vera sobbed and cried and collapsed in his arms, unable to support even the utter lightness of her existence.

  Hannah flew into the room, not understanding what had provoked Vera so.

  Adam looked on her. “Leave us. We’ll be done soon. Then everything will be fine as before and better.”

  “Adam?”

  “You must trust me Hannah. Please leave us now.” Hannah closed the door and left, not understanding what had just happened.

  Adam said gently, “Vera, sweetie. Listen to me. We have some work to do right now and then we will finally resolve this horror for you?”

  “What can you do? What can anybody do that fifteen years of daily counselling and powerful meds couldn’t even touch? It hurts, Adam. It hurts so much that I don’t think I can endure it anymore. I can’t make it go away; nobody can. It’s best if I go back to Portland and not destroy any more lives. Not yours and not Hannah’s.”

  “No chance, Vera Capri. You’ll be staying right here in London, in love with my ex-girlfriend and
finding new ways to be happy every day. Now listen to me. I need your cooperation for ten minutes, then we’ll finish later today. Then, this nightmare, your nightmare, will finally be over. Can you do this for me? Trust me just this once?”

  Vera stopped crying, a new resolve and hope in her eyes. Vera desperately wanted to believe Adam. Believe that he could do this for her.

  Her sobs stopped abruptly, and her face changed. “Tell me what I need to do.”

  He did.

  “After this, you will be a little forgetful until tomorrow but after tonight you will be healed. You will sleep for a very long time but when you wake up your new life begins again. You will always be aware that something happened, but it will be like an old dream, almost faded away. It will never again haunt you or disturb your mind ever again. I promise.”

  “Thank you, Adam,” she said, wanting to believe him. Wanting to believe in him.

  “I know. Now, let’s begin.”

  ***

  Hannah said, “I don’t understand. Why is Vera unconscious? Is she OK? Please tell me Adam, tell me what is happening to her.”

  “Do you trust me, Hannah? I mean really, really deeply trust that I would never harm you and that the only thing I want is for you to be happy?”

  “Yes, of course. I have always believed that about you.”

  “Then I must ask you to please leave this alone until after tonight. Vera is suffering and in great pain. After tonight, it will all end. But I need you to be with her now and just hold her. Can you do that for me?”

  “But today? We have our meetings in an hour.”

  “I have already called everyone, including Dad. All meetings cancelled for today and put off until later. We must finish this today and Vera needs you to be present and totally committed to her life. Talk to her. Reassure her and hold her. She loves you, but she needs you right now. Stay here and don’t move. I’m sending Alana and Misti to be here with you.”

  “What about you?

  “I need to meditate and, when I’m finished, I’ll be back. Then we end this misery once and for all.”

  Adam started to walk away. He stopped and turned to his former lover. “Hannah?”

  “Yes, Adam?”

  “You know I love you. I always have.” Adam turned and left.

  ***

  Adam knocked on Noki’s door. He asked her to come over and watch the Residence. “Nobody in or out until Alana and Misti get here. You know who they are?”

  “Of course.”

  “I’ll be back as soon as I can. Nobody in or out, right?”

  “You have my word.”

  “And Noki?”

  “Yes?”

  “Rain check? But then I promise to give you the ride of your life. Ten E tickets, all at once.”

  “Pretty bold statement, mister. I’m gonna hold you to it.”

  “I sincerely hope you do.”

  ***

  Misti and Alana arrived just a few minutes later as Adam was preparing to leave.

  Adam said to Misti, “Arrangements made?”

  “Yes. All of them, just as you asked.”

  “Alana, you understand what you must do?”

  “Yes, of course. Don’t worry, I’m prepared. I’ll make sure nothing happens.”

  “Good. I’m counting on you. Both of you. You must do exactly as I have asked. Time is short; I’ll be back as soon as I can. When I do, please be ready. Misti, nobody in or out of that bedroom. Nobody. Noki will watch the Residence but she’s not to go in either. No spectators or well-wishers. That includes Dad and the Bentleys.”

  In truth, nobody had any idea what Adam was doing or why, except Alana. The business of the day had been abruptly cancelled and now Vera lay unconscious in bed. Adam was leaving, but promising to return after … after what?

  Adam now knew he was ready. He had been preparing for this all his life, he had just not realized it until now. His second charge had been delivered to him, almost by accident.

  He had almost failed to recognize the torment in Vera. And yet, there it was.

  Chapter 26

  Adam returned four hours later and looked unwell. He appeared as though he had been in some sort of scuffle and lost. Badly. All the women were freaked and a little anxious, except Alana who calmed everyone as best she could. She alone understood the nature of task that lay before Adam and was determined to do exactly as she had been instructed, no matter the consequence to any around her. When she barked instructions, everyone, Misti and Noki included, followed them immediately and as directed.

  Physical danger for these girls engendered no alarm or any apprehension; the dread of the unknown faced by the ones they loved most rattled them to the point of near panic.

  When they were informed by Edward that Miss Vera was in difficult shape, James and Raoul wanted to enter the Residence immediately to assure her safety. When they were turned away forcefully by Noki they threatened to crash the door; only the immediate intervention of Edward and Hannah prevented one problem compounding another.

  Adam arrived back at the Residence and immediately entered the bedroom. “Everybody out. Now! Alana, you’re with me.”

  Misti started to object but Alana shouted. “Out! You heard him, now! I won’t say it again. Now move!”

  Misti did, wondering where this new version of Alana had come from. Her obvious twin sister was nowhere near as strident and Alana had always struck Misti as delightfully, even skillfully, submissive.

  Perhaps still waters do run deep. That exploration was for a later time and a different venue.

  Those gathered remained in the overlarge living room, scattered around the space as if to congregate too closely would violate some unwritten rule. Nobody spoke. Team Hannah gathered in the hallway outside the Residence but only knew something was amiss with Miss Vera. Raoul was beside himself, thinking he had failed his charge in some way. James cautioned patience; he was sure that Edward would get to the bottom of this sudden mystery and very quickly. Then they would know too.

  The brothers would then fix things themselves. And if any harm had come to Miss Vera by anyone, they would find the party responsible and exact a terrible retribution. Slowly and with great attention to inflicting unimaginable pain.

  Two hours later it was over.

  Adam and Alana emerged with a tired and hungry Vera, who assured her friends and colleagues that she was now fine and felt much better. Whatever had come over her had now passed and her “doctors” had assured her that the emergency had been transitory and that her recovery was now almost complete. “Doctors” were just a sop for Team Hannah to consume. The truth would’ve been far less easy to acknowledge or accept. Belief and understanding wouldn’t even have been on the table.

  Vera then asked for Hannah and Misti to sit with her, understanding that both Alana and Adam too now needed rest. Vera was very weary mentally and emotionally spent, but tomorrow, she assured her assembled colleagues, she would be back to normal. She just needed a little rest right now.

  Raoul asked if he could visit her now and Adam thought that would be just the thing Vera needed. When Misti departed some time later, Hannah and Raoul remained at Vera’s bedside, where they lingered for the rest of the night and on through until the next morning.

  Adam sat on the couch, deep in thought and staring off into space. Alana had fallen asleep beside him, lying flat, head in is lap cushioned by a throw pillow. She wouldn’t wake until the next day and would be carried to her bed by Adam. He had become emotionally and spiritually attached to the computer hacker and discovered new facets of her amazing new strength every day.

  Edward and Misti sat down on the couch and looked at Adam, knowing something of enormous importance had just happened yet failing miserably to comprehend it in any way.

  Edward said, “Are you OK son? You look a little beat.”

  “I’m fine Dad; everyone is fine now. Just a little tired, that’s all. We need to get Al
ana back to our place and tucked away in bed. She needs her rest. She’s a tough little cookie, this one is much tougher than she looks.”

  Misti said, “You want to talk about it? Your Dad and I will be happy just to listen. No interrogation, we promise.”

  “I know.” He looked at them, wanting to say something but was unable to form words. Instead he said, “I love you both.”

  Then he stopped in mid thought as if something of incalculable importance had just leapt into his mind.

  “And if I don’t tell you that enough, Dad, I’m truly sorry. I don’t know what I would be without the two of you. But for now, I think it’s best for us all just to forget that any of this ever happened. If Vera wants to talk about it, I’m sure she will. I think this is over now and that’s how it should remain. Our little one here may want to talk to you more about her state of wellness, Misti. At least I hope she does. It would be good for her to unburden a little of the weight of her past and allow us to share her load. And she needs a friend who can provide some gentle distraction.”

  Hearing the finality in Adam’s voice, Edward said, “Then, I will see you all tomorrow. Misti, you can give Adam the good news; just wait until I leave. He might go crazy and give me a hug. Just can’t have that kind of PDA in front of the kids.”

  Adam smiled, and asked, “Dad, could you find James and ask if he can take us back to our place. I think it’s time for us to leave now.”

  Adam put his arm around his wife, wanting only to be alone with her and feel the warmth of her embrace. He would be comforted by her touch, and the compassion he knew resided in great wells in the depths of her soul.

  Raoul stopped them as they reached the door. “Mr. St. James, a moment if you will. Miss Vera told me that today you saved her life and somehow made her whole again. I don’t understand what she means but she’s deadly sincere that a miracle just happened in her life and you were the reason for her salvation. Whatever it was, sir, I thank you. I thank you sincerely for bringing our Miss Vera back to us all safe and sound. I’m not a religious man, but I say to you, God bless you, sir, God bless you. I’ll take my leave now and look forward to seeing you again on the morrow.” He turned to leave. “And if there is anything I can ever do, for you or your family, and I mean any or all of them, you just give me a wink. We are all here in your debt.”