“I’m sorry for not being there to see you grow into such a beautiful young woman.”
I wasn’t ready to do this; it hurt too damn much. “I have to go.” I stood suddenly, the chair making a loud scraping noise as I jumped up.
“Samantha, please.” My father’s face looked anguished.
Jeremy stood beside me.
“I…I just need some time.” I shook my head. “I’m sorry. This is just hard, harder than I thought it would be.”
“Will you come back again? Can I see you again?”
I nodded but then couldn’t help the words that tumbled out of my mouth. “You really hurt me. You were my hero, Dad, did you know that?”
He bowed his head.
“I’m sorry. I just…” I brushed my hands across my face; they came away wet. “I need time,” I repeated.
He nodded. I noticed gray in his hair that hadn’t been there before. We’d both changed, in different ways.
“I understand. But please know I love you, Samantha. That’s never changed.”
I couldn’t form an answer, couldn’t tell him the words I knew he wanted to hear, so I stared at my shoes for a few seconds before looking up at Jeremy.
“Do you want to go?” he asked softly.
I jerked my head up and down.
“Okay.” He took my hand once more, before looking to my father. “I hope you’re doing well.”
I didn’t look back as we turned to leave. I didn’t have the strength to face my dad again. The short time we’d been there had wiped me out, had ravaged pieces of my soul that I’d fought so hard to keep locked up.
Steps away from leaving the visiting area, I heard my father’s voice call out, “I love you, no matter what. And I’m so proud that you’re my daughter.”
My spine stiffened, and tears rolled down my face, but I didn’t stop.
Once inside the warm safety of Jeremy’s car once again, I broke down. Shaking sobs convulsed me and I pounded the dashboard.
“I hate him.”
“No you don’t.” Jeremy wrapped his arms around me.
He was right, I didn’t. And that was why it hurt so much. I leaned into him and cried. “I thought I’d know what to say, what to ask, but it was so hard, harder than I’d imagined.”
“But you did it. You saw him.”
“There’s so much I want to say to him. And I couldn’t.”
Jeremy lifted my face toward him, and brushed away the tears spilling down my cheeks. “That’s okay, too. Today was a big step. You can come back again to see him when you’re ready.”
I hiccupped. “Do you think it makes me a horrible daughter that I didn’t tell him I love him back?”
“No. I think it makes you human.” He touched the side of my face. “Sam, you’re amazing and strong, and your heart is so big. Sometimes when a person feels things as deeply as you do, it’s tough.” He ran his fingers through my hair, never breaking eye contact. “I’m here for you, whatever you need.”
He leaned in, and pressed his lips to mine. I kissed him back, needing to feel close to him.
“Thank you,” I whispered.
“Always,” he whispered back. “I’m not going anywhere.”
Thirty-Six
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.
—Seneca
The days leading up to my sentencing passed way too quickly. I’d crossed large red Xs on my desk calendar, marking down the days leading to the date that I had circled in thick black Sharpie. There were no more squares to X out. Tomorrow at nine fifteen a.m. I would have to face the consequences of what I’d done.
Waves of fear crashed over me, even though Jeremy kept telling me to be strong, and to keep faith that everything would work out fine. My lawyer said the same thing. As much as I liked the young attorney, I wasn’t sure how much faith I had in her ability to make everything okay.
Ms. Gibbons had been assigned to my case through the courts, some kind of free legal representation since Aunt Lor certainly didn’t have the money to pay someone over a hundred dollars an hour to argue my defense. Not that there’d be much of a defense since I’d flat-out told the police what I’d done. It was more a matter of waiting to see what the judge decided to do with me. And the lawyer would be there to try to convince him to be lenient.
I stepped out of the shower and wrapped an oversize blue towel around my body, shivering in the chilly bathroom. Or maybe my rattled nerves caused me to shake. A glance in the mirror revealed purple smudges beneath my eyes, and it looked like I’d lost weight over the past few weeks. The bones of my shoulders jutted out above the towel, and my cheeks sunk in at a weird angle. My hands shook where I grasped the towel at my chest, and I looked away.
I wanted to believe everything would work out…that I wouldn’t be going to jail or juvenile detention or wherever, but I couldn’t help but worry. Nighttime was the worst. When darkness fell and I was left alone with my thoughts, it became next to impossible not to give in to the fears and doubts, especially with only fourteen hours until I had to stand before a judge in a courtroom.
At least there wouldn’t be a ton of people watching like at Dad’s trial. Since mine was closed, there wouldn’t be any curious classmates or whatever. Just the lawyers presenting their case, and the judge who would decide my fate. I prayed that whoever was assigned to the case would be merciful, and not someone wanting to make a lesson out of me.
I flashed back to my father’s trial, and paled as the terror of that day washed over me like it was just yesterday. I closed my eyes, and my mind transported back in time, remembering the jurors steely eyes, their frowns. Remembering my father in his jumpsuit walking away from me.
A soft knock on the bathroom door pulled me back to the present.
“Sweetheart? Are you all right in there?” Aunt Lor had been extra watchful over me the past few days. I didn’t know if she thought I was going to freak and try to off myself or what.
“I’m fine,” I called. “I’ll be right out.”
We’d rented a movie earlier and planned to make popcorn and watch it together. She’d insisted on something funny. I knew it was because she wanted to do everything she could to keep the mood light, upbeat.
I slipped into a pair of soft fleece pajama bottoms, and pulled a thick, long sleeved T-shirt over my head. After combing out my hair, I twisted it into a single long braid spilling over my shoulder and stepped into my comfy slippers. Everything was set up when I padded out to meet her in the living room. She’d arranged popcorn and napkins on the low table in front of the sofa and even set out sliced strawberries and mango—my favorites. I grabbed a bottle of water and joined her.
“You didn’t have to do all this.” I motioned to the snacks on the table.
“Oh, it was no trouble.” She waved away my thanks and reached over to gently pat me on the arm as I passed her chair.
I smiled my appreciation and sank into the sofa before tugging the old afghan down from the back of the couch to tuck across my lap.
The doorbell rang. Joy mixed with gratefulness when I saw the familiar car parked outside near the lamppost. I ran the few remaining steps, ripped open the door, and jumped across the threshold to wrap my arms around a smiling Jeremy.
“I thought you couldn’t come over tonight.” My words muffled against the collar of his jacket.
He held me tight, rocking me slightly as I clung to him. He pressed his lips to the side of my head, then my cheek, and finally my waiting mouth when I turned to face him. I closed my eyes and kissed him back for a few seconds, not even caring that Aunt Lor was right in the next room, before pulling back to look at him.
He unzipped his jacket, and pulled off his winter beanie. “I tried calling you about forty-five minutes ago but you didn’t answer, so I called your house phone.”
That must have been while I was in the shower. I reached for his coat and hung it over the back of a kitchen chair. He tossed his hat on the seat.
; “Anyway, your aunt invited me over. Didn’t she tell you?”
Without thinking, I reached out for another quick hug before raising my voice so she’d clearly hear me too. “No. She must have wanted to surprise me.” I grinned.
Jeremy chuckled. “So were you surprised?”
“You have no idea how happy I am to see you,” I said softly, tracing the pattern of his flannel shirt with my fingertips.
His hands moved across my back. “Ditto,” he whispered into my neck.
We walked into the living room, and he sat next to me on the sofa.
“So now that the gang’s all here, are we ready to watch this movie or what?” I smiled at each of them in turn.
Jeremy nodded, and Aunt Lor settled back in her chair. I grinned and picked up the remote to press play.
“It’s getting late; I think I’ll be headed to bed.”
I paused the DVD and looked up at her in surprise. “But the movie isn’t even over. And it’s only a little after eight.”
She nodded, her gray curls bouncing a little with the movement. “I know, dear, but these old bones need rest. It’s been a long day.” She yawned. She left off adding that it would be an even longer day tomorrow. I suspected the real reason she was heading to bed so early was to give me a chance to spend some time with Jeremy. I again thanked whatever gods might be listening for bringing her into my life.
I stood and crossed the room to help her up, and we walked together a few steps down the hallway. “Thanks, Aunt Lor,” I whispered. “For everything.”
Her face gentled and she touched my cheek with her tiny, wrinkled hand. “No, Samantha. Thank you. You being here with me these past few years brought more life and joy into this house than you could ever possibly imagine.”
My eyes misted, and I leaned in to kiss her soft cheek. “I love you,” I whispered. I didn’t tell her that enough, didn’t thank her enough for always being there for me.
She patted my cheek again. “I know, dear. I love you too.” She glanced into the living room where Jeremy sat, patiently waiting. “Now you go back to your young man and finish the movie.”
I nodded.
“Just not too late.”
I nodded again. We had to be up early to get into town on time.
“Good night, Jeremy,” she called down the hall.
“Good night, Ms. Evans,” he answered with a wave in our direction.
She walked slowly down the remainder of the hallway before turning into her room. I chuckled when she left the bedroom door open a few inches.
Once I’d sat back down next to Jeremy, he scooted closer and wrapped his arm around my shoulder, pulling me toward him. I rested my head on his shoulder.
“Thanks for coming over.” I smiled up at him.
“I’m glad dinner was cut short so I could.” He played with my braid. “I knew you’d be worried, and I wanted to be here for you.”
All the pain, the heartache and tears, were worth it if only for the fact they made me realize it was okay to let my guard down…to let people in. My aunt, Jeremy. I’d even spoken briefly to my mother last week. It hadn’t quite been a Hallmark moment, but it was the first time we’d talked in ages. Aunt Lor had called her to let her know what was going on, and my mom called back the next day to talk to me. She’d even offered to come back for the sentencing, but I refused. I wasn’t quite ready to see her yet; the hearing would be enough to handle.
It wasn’t like I was suddenly the poster child for positive mental health…but I was taking baby steps in the right direction, between the phone call and the visit to see my father. I’d even begun to see my counselor again. Aunt Lor and Jeremy both told me more than once how they were proud of me, but more importantly, I was finally starting to feel the first embers of pride in myself.
I lifted my legs to tuck my feet beneath me. “Are you still able to come tomorrow?” I peeked up at him.
“Of course I’ll be there, silly.” He brushed a kiss on the tip of my nose. “Where else would I be?”
I smiled at him gratefully.
“Sam, I don’t think you realize how important you are to me.” He stared into my eyes, and I couldn’t look away. My stomach did all kinds of fluttery things at his expression.
“I’d do anything for you.” He reached out and took my hand, rubbing his fingers gently over mine. He swallowed and looked suddenly nervous; his jaw twitched, and he blinked rapidly several times. He leaned in, and I felt his breath on my face for the briefest moment before he kissed me. Soft, like I was something precious, something he cherished. His touch almost brought tears to my eyes.
When he ended the kiss, he pulled back until he was inches away. I knew this was what it was supposed to feel like when you were with someone. Real love wasn’t a power trip like I’d felt with Ransom—it made you feel safe, strong, like together you could do anything. And not just together—it made you realize you were strong in your own right too. Jeremy made me feel that way. I felt beautiful and…happy. The word sounded so simple when it was anything but.
His eyes didn’t leave mine as he stroked the hair that had fallen loose from my braid back from my face. I held my breath.
“I love you, Samantha Jane Evans,” he said softly.
Three simple words, written and sung about for ages…and they still slammed into my heart like nothing ever before. I shook my head.
“How can you possibly love me? All I’ve done, the mistakes I’ve made.” I looked down.
He gently lifted my chin so I faced him again. “Don’t you get it? I don’t love you for your past, or even who you’re going to be. I just love you.”
I bit my lip, tears forming when I whispered, “I love you, too.”
His face lit up, like I’d given him some priceless gift, then he leaned in to kiss me again.
We never finished the movie, which was more than okay with me. Instead, we spent the next two hours talking and kissing and holding each other. They were the best two hours of my life.
Thirty-Seven
It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.
—E.E. Cummings
No seventeen-year-old should ever have to sit in a courtroom, scared and silent, waiting to hear if she’s going to jail. But nevertheless, there I was. I glanced back to where Jeremy and Aunt Lor sat side by side in the row behind me and Ms. Gibbons, my defense attorney. They both looked at me with encouraging smiles, their warm faces letting me know how much I was loved.
I turned back around to face the judge. Both sides had delivered their arguments, and now it was up to Judge Lewis to decide my fate. Becky’s hearing was held separate from mine, so besides the lawyer for the commonwealth, we were the only ones in the room. I was grateful they’d allowed Aunt Lor and Jeremy in the room during the proceedings. I’d been deathly afraid they’d have to wait outside until it was all over. I took a deep breath and tried to sit up straight and tall, mentally preparing myself for whatever was to come.
Please don’t let him send me away. Please, God.
The judge leaned forward, hands clasped in front of him as if in prayer. He peered over his glasses toward our table, his eyes commanding. I swallowed, and Ms. Gibbons reached over her files to pat my hand.
“Counselor, while you’ve reiterated that Ms. Evans showed good faith in approaching the police to confess to her part in what happened, the reality is that her actions resulted in injury to two different individuals, as well as psychological duress to many others. This can be construed as gross negligence on her part.” My stomach flopped hearing the ominous sounding legal jargon, while Ms. Gibbons tipped her head in acknowledgment. She looked professional in her stylish navy suit, with her hair pulled back into a neat twist. I prayed she’d done her job well and convinced Judge Lewis that even though I’d initiated the acts, I myself hadn’t performed them, and that I’d had no serious ill intent.
“Furthermore, she performed several of her actions on school grounds and sullied the reputation of a lo
ng-standing school organization in the process.”
I fought to keep from grimacing at that part. It’s not like the Musterian Society was some humanitarian organization. I held myself still, not allowing any expression that could be remotely considered disrespectful to cross my face.
“Because of this,” he continued, “I have no choice but to take these facts under serious advisement when making my decision as to the level of Ms. Evan’s accountability in the situation. Even though she did not personally execute either of the actions that led to Mr. Shaw or Ms. Wainright being injured, the question here is whether or not her actions do constitute conspiracy to commit a crime.”
I was going to be sick. My chin trembled, and I fought to keep control and not run from the room, crying and screaming. He couldn’t send me away from Aunt Lor and Jeremy. He just couldn’t.
“Ms. Evans.” The judge looked directly at me as he addressed me personally.
“Yes, sir. Your Honor I mean.” I stumbled over the words, voice shaking.
“Do you understand the seriousness of the actions you’ve confessed to?”
Oh God.
“Yes, Your Honor.” My voice barely rose above a whisper. I clenched my hands into fists beneath the table.
He stared at me a moment longer, gray brows furrowed together.
“And do you admit to each of the actions the opposing counsel has set forth in this courtroom today?”
I nodded. Ms. Gibbons nudged me with her leg under the table.
“I mean, yes, Your Honor, I do.” I stammered, a blush creeping up my neck.
Judge Lewis leaned back in his chair, and nodded gravely.
“I’m ordering a fifteen minute recess, after which time I will return and render my verdict on this case.” He stood, black robe flapping as he turned and exited through a door behind the podium to enter his chambers.
My shoulders slumped. I would be sent away, just like my father. Ms. Gibbons reached over to rest her hand on my shoulder. “Stay strong, Samantha. It’s not over yet.”
Only even she sounded doubtful.
The Society Page 22
