by Blair Holden
“Tessie?” His voice is so low and gruff that I almost don’t hear him speak.
“Yes.”
“You’ve never been kissed before, have you?”
Shame and humiliation washes through me. Of course he knows this; my inexperience is as obvious as the Scarlet Letter. Here I am, desperately trying to get closer to this guy, but how could I have forgotten the fact that I don’t know the first thing about making someone want me. If anything, I must be putting him off with all my clinginess.
“I . . . I . . . no, I haven’t.” My words are laced with shame, which he picks up immediately.
“It’s a good thing, in fact it’s the best news I’ve had all day. You’re mine, Tessie, and if another guy had touched those lips of yours I would lose it right now.”
My heart soars at his words. Time and time again, he proves that he’s too good for me. He epitomizes perfection and I’m the one who gets to be with him.
He inches his face nearer, one hand lifting from my face to cup my cheek and the other going to the back of my neck and angling my face closer to his.
I concentrate on his smoldering eyes. I never want to forget this moment and if I get amnesia and the only memory I can retain is this one, I’ll die a happy woman.
“God, I’ve been dying to do this,” he breathes and then in a split-second, he closes the space between us and presses his lips against mine.
Chapter Twenty-One: Girl Hospitalized for Checking out Cole Stone’s Chest
You know what’s funny? We spend our entire lives waiting for that perfect moment, for that perfect boy and that perfect kiss. All you can think about as soon as you start considering boys as more than disease-carrying rodents is what would happen when you fall head over heels for one. Then most likely all of high school is spent in the hopes of catching the eye of that cute boy in your algebra class and when he does notice you, all you can think about is what his lips would feel like against yours.
You read the novels, watch the movies, and dream about the endless possibilities, but let me tell you one thing. Nothing and I mean absolutely nothing can come close to the feelings that course through you when it actually happens. The Harlequin novels on your bedside table? Yeah, they don’t cover half of what it’s actually like. Ryan Gosling in all his knee-wobbling glory cannot possibly compare to the all-encompassing emotion you feel for the boy who gives you your first kiss.
Every thought, every carefully planned move flies right out the window as soon as Cole’s lips touch mine. They are everything I could’ve imagined but even more. Soft, yet just chapped enough to cause a delicious friction between our movements. My eyes flutter shut as like the ghost of a touch he brushes them against mine, once, twice, and then a couple of times more until I’m almost ready to beg for more. His hands still gently cradle my head and I’m too afraid to move, like if I even shifted slightly I’d ruin this amazing, magical, mind-blowing moment.
Then it happens. His lips touch mine with an increased pressure and I respond almost immediately. I don’t know what I’m doing but I’ve seen enough movies to have a general idea. Our lips begin to move in sync and fireworks burst behind my eyelids. Oh God, this feels so good. Why haven’t we done this before? He’s been in town for months and we could have been doing this for ages. All the time I’ve wasted being a deluded moron and I could’ve been kissed by the most awesome kisser in the history of kissers.
I gain encouragement from how he’s not pulling away. It means I’m not that bad, right? My hands travel up his chest and one comes to rest just above his heart. It’s hammering away and the thirteen-year-old inside me is squealing with joy because I know I affect him like this. He moans into my mouth and it’s the best sound I’ve ever heard. Thrilled by his response I curl my arms around his neck and press myself closer to him. The need to get rid of the space between us is as foreign as it is urgent but he seems to be on the same page. We kiss slowly and languidly as he pulls me into his lips. My skin sears where it touches him and jolts of electricity shoot through me. It’s the most wondrous feeling on earth.
Being out of breath is what causes us to pull apart. Stupid human weakness for air, I want to pout because I never ever wanted to stop. But I guess since we’re both breathing heavily, we needed to stop.
“Whoa,” Cole rasps and rests his forehead against mine and I can’t help the grin that spreads across my face. Cole, the guy who has probably been with more girls than I’d like to figure out, liked kissing me.
“I know.” I breathe out, trying to hear myself above the relentless pounding in my chest.
“That was . . .” I begin.
“Amazing, awesome, the single most spectacular moment of my life?” He grins and I mirror his expression.
“Probably even more.”
If we smile any wider, our cheeks might not be able to handle it. I touch my still-tingling lips and stare at Cole, completely awestruck. The way I’m feeling can’t be described. It’s a mixture between the high that you get when you come off a really fast roller coaster ride and the rush that accompanies eating an entire tub of strawberry ice cream.
Cole cups my face and his gaze zeroes in on my thumb, which is still tracing my bottom lip. I see his eyes darken and he leans in again. My insides melt away in a flurry as I prepare myself for round two, this time feeling more prepared.
A knock on the door has us flying apart. Cole curses under his breath as he jumps off my bed and settles into one of the chairs. I busy myself in putting all the things back in the first aid box as Cole grabs a random magazine from the pile I keep in my room. Mom pops her heads inside the door and smiles at the two of us. I can see her red-rimmed eyes so it’s obvious that her fight with Dad didn’t end so well. Usually she tries her best to not be affected by him but sometimes things tend to get a little out of control and tonight would be one of those times.
“Hey, kids. Honey, can I talk to you alone for a second?” She looks at us apologetically.
“Oh-kay,” I mutter, knowing this isn’t going to end well. Cole squeezes my hand as I pass by him and the small gesture warms my heart.
Walking outside to the hallway I wrap my arms around myself due to a sudden chill in the air. Call it premonition or whatever else you want but I can sense that something’s about to go horribly wrong. My parents usually avoid Travis and me after one of their fights.
“What’s going on?” I ask her as she paces in front of me.
Her meticulously prepped outfit has seen better days. Her shirt is wrinkled, the slacks have multiple creases in them, and her cuffs have been rolled up haphazardly. This is not the woman my mother has grown to be. Her broken expression and appearance remind me of the woman who’d once been lost at the prospect of a ruined marriage. The feeling of loss turned into indifference and then she became numb. The numb version of my mom is what I’ve lived with for the past four years so I can’t be blamed for not knowing what to do right now.
“Your father and I . . .” She stops pacing to look at me, as if trying to find the correct words to tell me something I already know. I want to tell her that it’s okay, that I understand. I know my parents hate each other, I know that my dad may or may not be having an affair with someone, and I know that my mother’s more or less addicted to prescription drugs. What more could she possibly have to say?
“We’ve been having more problems than usual and both of us have decided that we need a break.”
Right, a break. Of course they’re too stubborn to realize how toxic they are for each other, how they’d be better off if they just decided to go their separate ways but that can’t happen. Dad needs Mom’s money and Mom needs the security blanket of a marriage. Nothing would estrange her from the women in the country club more than a divorce.
“So you’re leaving?” I ask, wrapping my arms around myself. This is happening; it’s finally happening.
“Yes, I’m leaving for your grandparents’ in the morning. I need to talk to my dad, figure some things out. It�
�s better this way, honey, trust me. I need to do this.”
Being abandoned by my own mother should be a little more devastating than how I’m currently feeling but I blame my parents for this. They changed; they left me, so if now I can’t really feel anything for them then I’m not to blame, right?
“Okay,” is what I say after a while and she seems surprised. I’m not sure what it was that she’d been expecting. Am I supposed to yell at her, cry, or something akin to that?
“Your dad will be here, Travis too. If you need someone to talk to . . .”
“It’s fine Mom,” I offer her a small smile, “I’ll be okay. I’ve managed it so far, right? You should get some sleep, you look tired.”
She opens her mouth as if to say something but like always she holds back. Like always she’s numb and can’t even feel her own emotions, let alone relay them to me. Nodding her head in acknowledgement she turns her back on me and heads downstairs for her room. I stare at her retreating back wondering if she’ll ever come back.
Cole understands that I don’t want to talk about whatever it is that happened with Mom. In fact I don’t want that memory to taint that of our first kiss. He holds me as I lie on the bed, my back pressed into his chest and I relax into him, loving that he’s here. I love how he always knows what to do and I’m also scared to think about what’s going to happen when he isn’t with me anymore.
“Cole?” I say into the darkness.
“Hmm?” he whispers against my neck and the movement of his lips against my skin causes butterflies to erupt in my stomach.
“You won’t leave me, will you?”
He’s quiet for a while and I’m afraid that I’ve asked the wrong question. It’s too soon for me to ask something like this from him. I don’t know what possessed me to just do that. Okay, so maybe the fact that my mom’s running out on me has me a bit unnerved, but why the heck did I just do that? I might as well do a Taylor Swift and start working on our breakup album right now.
To his credit, Cole doesn’t pull away. His arms tighten around my waist and he nuzzles his face into my neck. I can almost see what’s going on in his head. He must be thinking that I’m one of those girls who reads too much into a kiss and begins forming a ten-year plan. I prepare myself for the blow, for him to tell me that he isn’t sure about me anymore, that maybe we, just like my parents, need a break.
“It’s not a choice for me, shortcake. I couldn’t leave you if I wanted to, tried it once before, didn’t work out so well. You’re stuck with me now.” He seals his promise with a kiss to the spot beneath my ear which instantly has me breathing faster.
Does he have a book, like a version of Being the Perfect Guy for Dummies somewhere? How is it that every time I expect the possible worst, he says something and everything becomes okay?
My heart’s basically doing the tango against my rib cage. I savor the moment and let the protective feel of his words wrap itself all around me. I want to say something, anything to tell him what he means to me. But, I am as usual tongue-tied when it comes to really expressing myself. I can insult him on demand and all through the night but ask me to tell him how I really feel then all I can afford is . . . nothing. So I do the only thing that comes to mind; grabbing my phone I choose a song that’ll tell him what he is for me.
Taking a deep breath I play a song that instantly reminds me of Cole, “Just a Kiss” by Lady Antebellum. I feel him smile against my skin and I know he understands what I’m trying to say to him. That’s what the best part is about us.
***
Eventually Cole has to go home. His phone won’t stop buzzing and I think his parents are trying to get ahold of him. We’d almost forgotten about the Jay incident since we were so wrapped up in each other but now that he’s leaving, I’m starting to worry. I don’t want him to get in trouble because whatever happened is my fault. He’d only been trying to protect me and Jay is partly to blame, but I guess when they see the damage done to him, Cole would undoubtedly bear the brunt. I can only hope that Alex has worked a miracle and Jay doesn’t look half as bad as he did when we last saw him.
He kisses me again, a good-bye kiss at the door as I’m walking him out. It’s short and sweet but the emotion it contains is more than any open-mouthed kiss. I’m half tempted to pull him by the jacket, drag him inside my room again and never let him leave. But the guy’s got to go home, right? “Meet me tomorrow?” he asks as he’s about to leave and I nod. I need him; always, but tomorrow I think he’s going to need me. Whatever problems he has with Jay are coming to the forefront so I’ll try to support him as much as I can.
Nodding, I watch him walk away and my heart squeezes in despair as soon as he’s out of view. I miss him already; it’s terrifying. I’ve gotten so attached to him that I can’t help but be afraid. All the people I’ve let myself get close to in the past have in some way or the other left me. My parents, my best friend, Jay, and even my brother, but I’m lucky that I have him back. I don’t think, however, I’ll be able to survive if it’s Cole that walks away.
Before going to bed, I text Megan and tell her we got home okay and that Cole’s simmered down. She replies immediately telling me that they didn’t have to take Jay to a doctor after all. Apparently Alex is an expert in dealing with broken noses and was able to help Jay out with some painkillers and a frozen bag of peas. Alex took him home and told Sheriff Stone that it had just been a minor scuffle at the party and that he should see what the other guy looks like. I shake my head at this one, as if Sheriff Stone would encourage violence. The guy only had to see Cole’s bandaged knuckles to make the connection. I’m afraid for when he does that.
Sleep doesn’t come easily to me tonight. It’s been a big day, or night seems more appropriate. I witnessed two guys fighting over me, I had my first kiss, my mom tells me she’s leaving me. You couldn’t make up such situations even if you wanted to.
After tossing and turning all night, I fall asleep only to wake up to the sound of a car engine revving and tires screeching against the road. Rushing to the window, I see my mom’s car speeding down the road and just like that she’s gone. She didn’t even bother to say good-bye.
I get a head start on the day even though it’s a Saturday, which by rule should dictate a day in but when even I can’t sleep till the afternoon, you know something’s wrong. Feeling a sense of determination, I decide to do something today that I’ve been putting off for a while. If I want to make sure that Cole and I don’t have any more problems like the one we had last night then it’s time.
Getting dressed, I grab my cell phone and bag. No one’s up yet, so easily grabbing a granola bar, I’m out of the door. I take a detour on my way to the Stone residence and grab a pie from Rusty’s; it’s a blueberry one and it’s his favorite. Bringing a peace offering might surely help me escape the conversation unscathed. Physically, I know he won’t hurt me again; emotionally I might be scarred for life.
Cassandra opens the door for me when I ring the bell. She smiles at me but it’s not her usual infectious one. There’s a solemn look on her face and I can probably guess why it’s there. Guilt starts spreading through me again as I imagine being in her position. She loves Cole like her own son and having to choose between him and Jay must be difficult for her. She loves them both equally and I basically parted the two in the middle like the sea.
“I thought I’d be seeing you here soon.” Her greeting is warm as she lets me in.
“I wanted to see if everything was okay after last night. Jay, he didn’t look so good, so I thought I’d bring him his favorite pie.” I hold up the box in my hand, like it’s proof of the fact that I come with good intentions.
“Well, yesterday wasn’t either of my sons’ best moments. I guess I can be happy about the fact that they didn’t lie to us. I’m sorry, Tessa; I apologize for my son’s behavior.”
“You don’t have to . . .” I protest but she places her palm out to stop me.
“Like I said before, I know Jason’s m
ade mistakes. The way he behaved toward you isn’t the son I raised. But I’m proud that Cole’s made you happy. I’m glad you chose the right guy. Jason has a lot of growing up to do before he’s in a relationship with a good girl.”
She shakes her head, as if to emphasize her disappointment. A knot forms in my throat; there’s nothing I can say to her. This seems like a family affair but then I also need to defend Jay.
“He’s a nice guy. I know the way he’s been acting lately isn’t the best proof of that but he’s been my friend for so long. He protected me in his own way and I guess I don’t like him that way anymore but he’s an amazing guy, Cassandra. I know that and that’s why I . . . I liked him like that. That guy’s still in there somewhere and I want to help bring him back.”
My throat constricts at the end of my speech. Cassandra places her hand over mine and squeezes it. Wanting to take her sadness away, I’m more determined than ever to get my message through to Jay. His mom deserves better and I’ll be damned if I let some stupid high school drama hurt this amazing person, the closest thing I have to a mom.
After the talk with Cassandra, I quietly make my way up to Jay’s room. Cassandra told me that Cole won’t be up for another hour or so, so I’m a little relieved. Not that I like going behind his back but he’s not going to be happy about this and I really need to have this conversation. I knock on his door, the dull sound of music coming from the room alerting me that Jay’s awake. He opens it for me and his eyes widen in surprise, hands freeze on the doorknob. He backs away just a little and his mouth gapes open. The aftershocks of last night are still visible, the bruises looking more prominent after the shower it looks like he’s just taken. I suck in a breath as I notice the purple skin above his right eye, the crusted blood on his upper lip and his slightly swollen nose.
“Hey.” I offer him a small smile as he stands there, gaping at me. Feeling a little self-conscious, I push the box with the pie in it in his direction. His gaze is locked onto me so he doesn’t even notice the gesture until I speak.
