by Blair Holden
Cole looks at me weirdly when I say this but Erica quickly grabs his attention with some anecdote about her farm life and I take the opportunity to get away. It’s suffocating to see them. A girl who I’m convinced now is in love with my boyfriend and said boyfriend who has no idea, it seems.
It’s too much like the Jay situation and that would make me Nicole. Dang it, I don’t want to be Nicole. But now that I’m in her shoes, I can see why she was so mean to me. I’d done all but drool over her boyfriend and Jay had always been really friendly. Fat or not, that must have bothered her and made her bring out the claws.
Entering the bedroom, I collapse on the bed and wonder where the day’s headed. This isn’t what I pictured our weekend to be like. Not the thing about Travis and certainly not Erica. Everything’s going downhill and there’s this feeling in my gut that tells me that it’s not going to get better anytime soon.
***
A couple hours later, I’m roused from a nap when my phone starts to ring from its position on the dresser. Erica and Cole spent the afternoon catching up and I escaped quietly, claiming a headache. If I didn’t already have one, I’d get it from seeing them interact. She’s vicious and knows what she wants. Cole’s in denial and seemed pretty confused when I left. Well I’m confused too. I’ve never seen Cole so . . . clueless and have no idea how to approach the situation.
It seems like the universe is trying to send me a big fat sign because when I finally pick up my phone, the caller’s Jay. My hands tremble as I answer, sitting down on the very edge of the bed. Chewing the inside of my cheek, I mutter an incoherent hello.
“Tessa? Are you there?”
“Yes,” I take a deep breath, “I’m here. What’s up?”
“I was just worried . . . I know you’re with Cole at the beach house but there’s something, or well someone you should know about.”
“Let me guess, her name’s Erica and she’s more beautiful than any woman on the face of the planet?” I say dryly, feeling my heart sink. If Jay’s calling me only to mention Erica then there really is something going on.
“Shit. You’ve met her already, haven’t you?”
“Yup.”
“She’s still as lovesick as ever then?”
“Yup.”
“And Cole’s still clueless?”
“Well he is your brother.”
“Ouch. Right, I deserved that but I just wanted to make sure you’re okay. Erica can be a little . . . well a little like a lovestruck puppy on crack when she’s with Cole. She called the house to make sure he’s still at the beach house. I knew that you were there so . . .”
“You thought you’d warn me. Thanks, but I’ve already witnessed it firsthand. But how can Cole not see that she’s crazy about him? Christ, I could tell the minute she laid eyes on him.”
“Well, like you said we’re brothers and guys in general tend to be . . .”
“Morons? Blissfully ignorant, in denial? Pick one, Jason.”
He chuckles nervously. “They haven’t seen each other for a while. Maybe it’s not as bad as it used to be.”
“Oh it’s bad all right, it’s really bad. It’s so bad that I want to catch the first bus and get as far away from them as possible.”
“I can come get you if you want?”
“Do you have a death wish, Jay? Cole would go ballistic.” I sigh, knowing that I’m stuck here. I hear my door opening and I know it’s him. “Listen, I’ll talk to you later but thank you, you know, for calling.”
“Anytime, Tess. Take care and remember Cole doesn’t feel that way about her.”
Cole staring at me with a small frown on his face. “Yeah, I get it. Bye, Jay.”
Cole’s jaw ticks as I end the call and put the phone back on the dresser. He closes the door behind him and leans against it, somewhat casually. But his body’s gone all still and he looks slightly pissed off.
“What did he want?”
“He just wanted to tell me that we might have a guest soon so that I don’t get caught by surprise.”
His tone makes me angry so I snap at him. I don’t want to fight again but he has no right to be angry with me for just talking to Jay. He’s the one with a girl who’s madly in love with him, hanging out downstairs.
His brows crinkle in confusion. “Erica? Is this about her? Are you mad that I didn’t tell you about her visit? I didn’t think it was a big deal, Tessie.”
“Not a big deal? Are you blind? Can’t you see she’s in love with you?” I nearly shriek but then remember that Erica’s probably downstairs.
“Come on,” he groans, “You don’t actually believe the bullshit Lan fed you about her, do you? Or did Jay say that to you? I’m going to fucking kill him. You know he’s just trying to mess with us. There’s nothing between Erica and me. We’re friends, we’ve been friends for a long time and that’s all we’ll ever be.”
“For God’s sake, Cole, Jay isn’t brainwashing me. I can tell just by looking at her that she likes you, that she really, really likes you. How can you not know that?”
“I’ve known her my whole life,” he says incredulously. “She’s like a sister to me. It’s not like that between us.”
I take a moment to calm down so that I don’t bash his head into something. But if there’s one thing I know it’s that I’m not going to become Nicole. I’m not going to flaunt my relationship around a girl who couldn’t help who she fell for. Erica doesn’t threaten me, much. I know for a fact that Cole’s telling the truth when he says that she’s like a sister to him but she doesn’t know that. She’d be devastated if she did.
“You might not like her that way but she does, Cole. She loves you and I can’t be here, hurting her feelings.”
“Damn it, Tessa! I’m not Jay and she isn’t you! This isn’t your pathetic little love triangle. Not every friendship is as twisted and screwed up as that! Grow up, for fuck’s sake.”
I stop breathing, I can’t breathe.
Tears sting my eyes and my hand immediately comes to my mouth to contain the sobs. Cole’s eyes go wide once he realizes what he’s said. He opens his mouth to apologize but he won’t mean it. Right now he’ll do anything just so that I forgive him. We’ll sweep it under the rug, just like we’ve done it with everything else.
“Leave.”
“Tessie . . .”
“Please just leave. I don’t want to fight anymore. Give me some space.”
He tries to say something but I turn away from him and lock myself in the bathroom. The slam of a door tells me that he’s gone and only then do I come out. That’s how the day passes and then the night. Given how eerily quiet the house remains for that period, I can tell that I’m the only person here. I stay in the room and do not hear from Cole all day. But late at night, I hear footsteps coming up the stairs and a hesitant knock but when I don’t answer, Cole doesn’t try again. That night I sleep with the door locked, crying into my pillow. His words hurt me more than anything else. The next morning, I make a decision. Gathering all my things, most of which are still in the carry-on, I make the call which might well further doom our relationship.
***
When I come downstairs, there’s no one there. It’s early dawn and a nagging feeling inside me wonders where Cole could be, if not camped outside my door. I wonder what Erica thinks about me. She must think I’m a complete psychopathic girlfriend who isn’t good enough for Cole. She may be right but today I won’t feel guilty. He crossed a line and he needs to know that I’m not going to accept that kind of behavior, not anymore.
I let myself out unnoticed and walk back the way we came. Remembering the diner I saw on the way here, I follow the same path until I can see the red neon sigh. I text my ride to meet me there, and I’m told that they’ll be there in half an hour. It’s been a few hours since the fight. After I refused to open the door to let him in last night, Cole hasn’t tried to contact me and I’m not sure what I would do even if he did try. Still, there’s a voice inside my head that’
s questioning why is it that Cole hasn’t tried harder. It’s okay, I tell myself. I asked him to give me space and I couldn’t probably be around him either. Still I can’t help but feel disappointed.
I sit inside the pleasant and neatly kept space with friendly looking waitresses and order myself a cup of coffee. What’s going to happen once I get home isn’t really clear to me. What I do know is that the beach house is cursed. There is no way I’m going back to that place. Cole and I were good before we got there. And now we’re totally messed up.
I’m nursing the last bit of coffee in the mug when the door opens and Travis walks in. He sees my tear-streaked face almost immediately in the mostly empty diner and I rush to him. Forgetting my annoyance with him, I hug my brother closely and he runs his hand over my hair, calming me.
“I’ve got you Tess,” he coos. “It’s going to be okay.”
“Thank you for coming to get me.” I hiccup into his chest and he hugs me closer.
“I’m always going to be there for you, little sis, no matter what. Come on, let’s get you home.”
Travis hastily pays for the coffee and tips the waitress before leaving. We sit in his car and he turns the radio on to my favorite station. They’re playing The Civil Wars right now and it’s just what I need. Closing my eyes I lean against the window and fall asleep.
***
“She’s with me . . . No, I’m taking her home. She’s upset, asshole; I’m not bringing her back. Yeah whatever. I’ll tell her when she gets up but only if she’s feeling better. Just back off for a while, okay? Yeah, I’ll tell her. I’m driving man, I’ll text you later.”
Bits and pieces of conversation filter through my ears as I struggle to open my eyes. My head feels heavy and there’s an ache starting to set in. It takes a bit for me to get my bearings straight but then I remember everything. The fight, leaving, and then Travis coming to pick me up. I feel like vomiting. How did everything get so bad?
“Hey, you up?”
It’s midday outside the car window, so we must have been driving for a long time. The two-and-a-half-hour journey looks like it’ll soon come to an end.
“Hey,” my voice is husky from sleep and from the lack of use. I rub my eyes and straighten up, avoiding looking at the questions in my brother’s eyes.
“So we’ll be home in about twenty minutes. Beth’s making your favorite pasta for dinner.” I groan, hitting my head repeatedly against the seat. “You guys were supposed to have fun this weekend! I can’t believe I screwed it up. Great, perfect. My own disaster of a relationship wasn’t enough, I had to go butt into yours as well. I’m on a roll, aren’t I?”
He chuckles. “You’re being a little dramatic. Beth and I weren’t going to do something crazy while you were gone. Movie night and Chinese takeout was the only plan we had so you’re more than welcome to join in.”
“Gee thanks,” I say dryly and then remember the reason I woke up.
Jolting up in my seat, I look at my brother suspiciously. “Was that Cole you were talking to?”
“Yes. He wouldn’t stop calling you. I guess you didn’t tell him you were leaving. The guy was worried out of his mind. I told him you were with me.”
“Oh.”
I feel kind of bad now. Terrible, actually, but I can’t deny that I wanted to torture him a little by leaving unannounced. Now that my objective has been achieved, I just feel guilty.
“Did he . . . did he tell you what happened?”
“No, but he wants you to call him. Whenever you’re ready, Tess, there’s no hurry.”
I might just need the time.
***
Beth takes one look at me and knows that I’m not in the mood to talk. But she looks better, for the first time in weeks her face has some color to it and she’s enjoying herself as she cooks. A day of therapy and it already seems to be helping her; I’m beyond happy for my friend. She deserves to be able to live her life without the guilt of her mother’s death plaguing her every single second. She hugs me tightly and tells me that Cole and I will figure it out, because we’re meant to be together. Hanging out with my brother has made her quite the romantic. I on the other hand am one step closer to turning into a crazy cat lady. An extremely obese crazy cat lady, I correct myself later as I’m shoving spoonfuls of strawberry ice cream in my mouth.
My phone rings and only one person could be calling me at two a.m. As my heart races wildly, my fingers tap uncertainly over the phone. Cole’s breathtakingly beautiful face weakens my resolves as it flashes on the screen. I nearly answer but then remember how he shouted at me and the words he said. I end the call and then turn off the phone.
As expected I don’t get any sleep and I twist and turn until it’s dawn and then watch as the sun rises high into the sky from my window. Today, I’m throwing myself a pity party, which means that I’m in my pajamas and don’t plan on leaving my bed. They’re showing John Hughes movies all day today so entertainment is taken care of. Travis knocks, Beth knocks, but I only come out for food.
Then there’s a different knock. A softer one, a much more hesitant one.
I start shaking and scoot further into my cocoon of blankets.
The door isn’t locked. If he really wants to come in, he will. I glance at the clock on my wall and it tells me that it’s just after noon. When did he leave last night? Where was he after he left me? I haven’t switched my phone on so I don’t know if he’s tried texting or calling again. I’m being a coward; it’s not exactly news but I’m more afraid now.
“Tessa, can I come in?”
My heart breaks when he calls me Tessa. It literally shatters but I still don’t say a word. “Please. I just need to say a few things to you and then I’ll leave. Please just talk to me.”
No! Why is he talking about leaving? Why isn’t he being his usual stubborn self? The Cole I know would have barged right in and made me talk to him, whether I like it or not. That’s what I expected of him, that he would magically fix everything like he always does. But he sounds so different now, defeated and scared. My heart falls into the pit of my stomach.
“Okay,” I say loudly enough so that he hears me but not so loud that he hears the trembling of my words.
The door opens quietly, not making a single noise, and then Cole comes in, just as noiselessly. He’s still wearing the clothes from the day before yesterday and he hasn’t shaved. His eyes are bloodshot and his shoulders slouched in defeat. Something’s very wrong.
“You were right. I’m an asshole and you were right,” he says almost immediately as he stands a couple of feet away from me, very near to the door. He looks like he’s ready to bolt any second and he’s yet to look at me.
“Cole . . . I . . . overreacted. Maybe I shouldn’t have left like that . . . I . . .”
“She likes me. Erica, she says she’s in love with me.”
My vision blurs with tears and my heart very nearly stops. The way he says these words tells me something much worse is going to follow.
“I was upset with you and about what happened with us. We were talking and drinking a little. She started crying. She told me she’s always loved me and then . . .”
“Then what, Cole? THEN WHAT?” I shout hysterically, my entire body shaking violently.
“We kissed. She kissed me and I . . . fuck!” He curses loudly and kicks my door, “I kissed her back. I was hurting, Tessie. I was so mad at you, at Jay, and at myself. I felt guilty for hurting both you and Erica and when she kissed me I thought that I could at least do one thing right. That was bloody stupid of me, wasn’t it?”
I’m pretty sure I’m going to puke. Bile rises at the back of my throat but I force myself to stay put. My mind is racing, my heart’s breaking, and I can’t stop shaking. It’s cold, it’s so damn cold in here.
“Did you . . . did you do more than kiss?”
I don’t know how I got that out but I need to know.
Cole looks like he’s going to cry. “No . . . No, I didn’t have sex with
her but I’m not going to lie to you, not now. It got close before I had the sense to stop.”
That does it, I rush to the bathroom and everything I’ve eaten in the past twenty-four hours comes right back out. I throw up for what seems like forever and when I’m done, I realize that Cole’s sweeping my hair away from my face and stroking my back.
I shove away from him and collapse on the tiled floor. “Go away. Get the hell away from me.” I’m shouting. I yell so loudly that Travis comes rushing in and once he sees the state I’m in he forces Cole to leave.
“I’m sorry. I love you, I love you so much, Tessie. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
But I can’t process a word he’s saying because I feel so dead on the inside.
This is what it feels like to get your heart broken and smashed, right? If it is, then why do people even bother falling in love? And the thing is, the harder you fall the more painful it is when you finally hit the ground.
I fell hard, I fell with my body and soul, with everything I was made of. So when the free fall ends, I’m pretty sure there’s not a part of me that’s left intact.
Chapter Four: Cole’s POV
Here’s the thing and I’ll be honest about it, in life there’s very little that fazes me. By the age of eighteen I’ve done more crazy, outrageous, adventurous things than people dream of. Therapists that my father liked to stick on me said that I had turned out the way I did because I experienced loss at a very early age. Apparently, losing your mom to an aneurysm and developing the habit of challenging authority figures go hand in hand. I’m not sure how it works but if that man with the degree on his wall says so, then it must be true.
Back to the topic at hand, out of all the crazy things I’ve done in life and rest assured they were crazy or I wouldn’t have ended up in military school, there’s nothing quite comparable to women. I’ll be the first to admit that before, relationships used to scare the crap out of me. I would honestly break out into a sweat at the thought of having a girlfriend. Which was why at military school, I kept my hookups brief and simple. Neither party was looking for a serious relationship, we’d clear that up in the beginning to avoid unnecessary drama when things ended. Every girl knew the deal and few complained.
