Innocent Monsters

by Doherty, Barbara

  Lisa shook her head, wiped tears away from her chin.

  “Come and sit down again. Calm down. How long have you known?”

  It was a few minutes before Lisa started confessing that after losing the baby two years ago, they had tried for another one without any success. At first Bobby had laughed it off —it was after all a good excuse to have sex more often— but after a few months the whole process had turned into a monotonous act of duty and they’d quietly stopped trying, started having sex less and less often.

  Lisa had taken it upon herself to get checked out, secretly hoping a doctor would smile and point out her husband was probably the problem, but all the tests she’d undergone confirmed that the miscarriage and the infection she suffered afterwards had scarred her fallopian tubes so severely, not even surgery would increase her chances of conceiving.

  When she finally mastered the courage to tell him he might never become a father, Bobby had seemed sweet and understanding but things between them started changing soon after. He’d slowly started shutting her out, pushing her away and Lisa couldn’t stop feeling like she owed him something, like she had to do her best to compensate this one thing she would never be able to give him.

  “What about adoption?”

  Lisa shook her head. “It just wouldn’t work for us.”

  “I see... Well... Don’t get me wrong, it is a great shame, but just because you can’t have children, doesn’t mean you deserve to live the rest of your life in misery. There are plenty of men out there who would be quite happy to spend a lifetime without kids. And you know what? If Bobby really loved you, he would be thankful for all your other qualities, not you for the only thing you can’t give him.”

  Lisa shrugged. “I s’pose.” Was all she said, when the only sensible thing to say would have been you’re right, of course you’re right.

  “I suppose? I really hope you don’t think he has a right to treat you like shit because you can’t give him a baby.”

  “No, that’s not what I think... Maybe. I don’t know. Wouldn’t you be disappointed if you thought you were going to have a big family and then found out it’s going to be just the two of you for the rest of your life?”

  “Really? Bobby wanted a big family?” She laughed, despite herself.

  “This is not a funny subject, Jessy.”

  “No, I know. Of course not. He just doesn’t strike me as the type, that’s all.”

  Bobby walking around with four, five kids, wiping bottoms, playing football, braiding hair, it definitely seemed a little improbable.

  “Well, he is the type. He was.”

  “Mhm. Yes, suppose if I was that type, I would be disappointed. But it still would not grant me a license to be an asshole because of it. It just doesn’t work like that.”

  Jessica tried really hard to feel sorry for her, to understand Lisa’s pain, but it was clear from the defeated expression on her face that Lisa thought she deserved the full extent of her husband’s treatment, which made her trip to Nob Hill all the more pointless. What the hell was she doing here? Why was she sitting here crying, wasting her time, wasting a beautiful afternoon?

  She wanted her gone, but she hoped there would be no need to throw her out. All Jessica had to do was wait for Bobby to call, then Lisa would go back home and everything would go back to normal. Hopefully it wouldn’t take him too long.

  For now, she just had to tell her what she needed to hear.

  “You can stay here as much as you want, Lisa,” she said finally. “As long as it takes you to clear your head.”

  Lisa looked up at her and smiled, a sincere, grateful smile, which made Jessica feel like a heartless egoistic bitch.

  “How about some coffee?”

  23 January 2001

  THE PHONE rang the following morning at four fifteen. It could only be Bobby.

  Jessica imagined him back in the dark bungalow, expecting to find his wife in bed and dinner’s leftovers ready for him in the microwave, being greeted by nothing but empty rooms instead. The thought made her giggle despite how tired and annoyed she felt.

  She could hear Lisa mumbling down the receiver through her bedroom door. Where do you think, she heard, you called me...mumble mumble...it’s really early Bobby, I really don’t think this is the...mumble mumble...y’know?...what do you think? Think you can go and... mumble mumble mumble... wish, I don’t think so, silence, silence, more silence...mumble... I think you should just... y’know... mumble... for a while. Then absolute silence.

  Was he going to come and pick her up later? Was he sorry for being a bastard? She didn’t care. She just wanted Lisa to go away, to disappear.

  Jessica waited for something to happen, the duvet wrapped tightly around her face, then the darkness of her bedroom was broken by the light in the corridor and she waited under the blanket for Lisa to walk into the room.

  “Jessica...”

  “Mhm-mhm?”

  “You up?”

  “Mhm-mhm?”

  “I’m sorry, I know it’s early. It was Bobby... He found the number on the postcard you sent, on the fridge.”

  “It’s ok. So?”

  “I told him to go fuck himself.”

  Which meant a) she was going to stay longer than anticipated, and b) Jessica would have to tell her she had plans for the weekend that didn’t include her.

  The light went off in the corridor and Jessica heard Lisa dragging her feet back to the sofa in the sitting room.

  WILLIAM WAS standing outside the terrace watching the twins chasing each other around the swing; their hair was alight in the late January sunlight. From up here they looked like a couple of tiny flames running around the playground burning nothing. They moved in line with each other and apart and back again.

  “I didn’t think you had friends,” William said flatly. It could have been a joke but he wasn’t laughing.

  “Only one. It’s complicated. I wasn’t expecting her. I didn’t know she was coming. Her husband disappeared and she decided to leave to teach him a lesson. I guess she didn’t have anywhere else to go.”

  He leaned slowly on the balcony’s white metal railing, a hand in his pocket. “Are you two close?”

  “Me and Lisa? I’ve known her since high school, but... She’s my friend because me and Kaitlyn were very close. That’s how I met her. She was Kaitlyn’s friend more than she’s ever been mine. A lot of people I knew were my friends through her. When she died I lost touch with everybody we knew... except Lisa. Although we haven’t seen each other in months.”

  “And she still feels you’re the one person she needs to go to when her husband runs away.”

  “Some friendships obviously feed on themselves.” He laughed, looked away again. “I suspect she’s replaced me with Kaitlyn. If she’s still my friend then she doesn’t have to say goodbye to her just yet... I know it’s weird, but I think I can understand that.”

  After all had she not done exactly the same herself, swapping one relationship for another? The all-consuming intimacy she felt with William was nothing new, it had just taken her a while to recognise it.

  She could see now how William had taken Kaitlyn’s place in her life, she recognised how she didn’t seem able to sustain a relationship unless it was a one to one, how it didn’t seem possible for her to have more that one relationship at a time. She had had boyfriends over the years, but ultimately her relationship with Kaitlyn had taken over, she had always been the only person Jessica really needed; now the same thing was happening with William, all over again. Had she talked about this with Lorna? Had she shared it with her therapist at the time? She couldn’t remember. So many things seemed distant lately; so many things were disappearing, running away from her.

  “How long is she going to stay?”

  “God knows. As long
as it takes her husband to come and get her, I suppose. He’ll come and she’ll forget anything ever happened. He called at four o’clock this morning, but she told him to get lost.”

  “So, are we still going away tomorrow or do you have to stay and babysit” He tried to sound casual but he could hear disappointment creeping into his voice.

  “Yes we’re going away. I wouldn’t miss it for the world... And definitely not for this.“

  Jessica had sat Lisa down that morning, both tired after a few hours struggling to get back to sleep. She had told her how proud she was, how she was doing the right thing. She had told her again that she could have stayed however long it took, and she could have the apartment all for herself over the weekend because she was going away with William. Lisa had taken it well, better that she had predicted. She was disappointed, she’d said, but she could see how she couldn’t expect her to drop everything just because she was having problems with Bobby. Most of all she was happy Jessica had found someone to spend weekends with.

  “You can come and get me in the morning. Lisa might insist you have a cup of coffee before we leave, but that’s not a big deal, is it?”

  He looked at her puzzled, almost disgusted. “Coffee?”

  “At mine. Only for a few minutes. She’s dying to meet you.” The look on his face was definitely of disgust now. “Look, she came looking for my support and am basically leaving her to it. The least I can do is let her have a cup of coffee with you. It’s only going to be half an hour. It’s not like we are going out for dinner.”

  It made sense, put that way it made all the sense in the world. It was her friend. It was normal, natural. That’s what normal people do Billy, they have friends, their friends meet their friends, they meet each other’s boyfriends, each other’s girlfriends. They mix. You should try it. See what it feels like. For her sake. For her only...

  He looked up at the sky, moaned softly. It was only a coffee for God’s sake.

  “What time should I come around?”

  24 January 2001

  THE NEXT morning Jessica found herself standing uncomfortably by the kitchen window waiting for him.

  Lisa had a large excited grin on her face running from ear to ear. She had begun grinning the day before, when Jessica had told her William would be coming to get her and they could all have a coffee together before they set off. She’d kept grinning, sitting on the bed while Jessica packed a bag for the weekend. Anybody entering the room would have thought Lisa was the one going and Jessica the idiot left behind wondering what her stupid husband was doing back home.

  Jessica found her friend’s growing enthusiasm hard to bear, stressful even. She just wanted to get going.

  When the doorbell rang, Lisa was standing in the kitchen with her. Jessica went to open the door for William, a cigarette already smoking between his fingers, completely dressed in black, a weird plastic smile on his face, something in his eyes betraying how little he wanted to be doing this.

  “Here he is,” she said, her voice overly cheerful.

  Jessica shut the door and took a deep breath, tried to relax, told herself to stop being so tense, there was no need. But she stood there in silence while Lisa waved her hand with that grin firmly pressed on her lips. She looked like an idiot, and Jessica was beginning to feel like one herself. A total idiot.

  “Sorry I’m late, traffic is terrible out there today.” William kissed Jessica on the lips. “What were you thinking, coming to live over here?”

  He winked at her and turned to look at her friend, a long blond poodle perm framed a round pale face and a pair of large olive green eyes. She was staring at him and he stared back, smiled nervously.

  “Well, Lisa, this is William.”

  “Nice to meet you William.” Lisa moved closer to him, shook his hand, inspected him a second longer. “Y’know, this is gonna sound bizarre but... Have we met before? Your face looks very familiar.”

  “Sorry, I really don’t think so.” But she kept staring at him anyway. He turned back to Jessica, “All packed up?”

  “I can’t believe I finally get to meet you. Should we have a coffee before you guys head off?”

  “Coffee, uh?” He was still looking at Jessica. “Why not.”

  Jessica started off for the kitchen and he followed her closely, like an anxious puppy. Then the three of them were crowded awkwardly in the middle of the room, Lisa so close to him William could smell her, he could see the powder set in the lines on her face, a spot on her chin badly covered with foundation. Her lipstick matched the colour of her nails. Pink. Pink Panther Pink. And she smelled of lavender, a scent that brought him back in time in a place where he didn’t want to be, somewhere in one of his childhood houses next to his mother. Stephanie Blaise always wore lavender, everyday. The more stresses she felt, the more lavender oil she would rub on. The more desperate she felt, all the more lavender she would rub on, as if lavender was the cure for madness, the cure for depression, until it was enough to suffocate, until it was impossible to smell anything else.

  “Jessica is good at keeping her life a secret from her friends, y’know? God knows how much longer I would have had to wait if I didn’t come over here.”

  He tried to get hold of Jessica’s hand for support, but she moved away from him to make the coffee and she smiled at him, winked. William could only smell lavender.

  Once they all had a mug in their hand they sat around the table and Lisa started asking stupid questions, one after the other, giggling and still grinning, relentlessly. It felt like an embarrassing and pointless third degree.

  “So where are you guys going?”

  “Down the Bay. We’ve got a room booked down Stinson Beach.”

  “Wow. Sounds great.” She yelped, although she had never been to Stinson Beach and it meant absolutely nothing to her. “Isn’t it a bit cold to be down at the beach?”

  William shrugged. “Nature is beautiful whatever the time of year, isn’t it? We’ll just wear extra layers.”

  Jessica nodded, smiling.

  “So what do you do?”

  “I’m a graphic artist. I draw.”

  “Gosh, reeeally? Like cartoons on TV, that kind?”

  “No, not that. I draw... More like comics.”

  “Exciting! Have you got an office?”

  “No, I work from home. I try to avoid people.”

  Lisa giggled. William smelled lavender.

  “So, where do you publish them? Your comics?”

  “San Francisco Post, mostly.”

  “Mhm...” She turned to look at Jessica. “Do we get that in Croker Amazon?” Turned back to William. “Have you even been there?”

  “Where? Crocker Amazon? No, never.”

  “Strange. I’m so sure I’ve seen you somewhere before.”

  Lisa kept yapping endlessly about Crocker Amazon, about the way it used to be when Jessica was still there and Kaitlyn was still alive —Did you tell him about her? Does he know?— On and on until her coffee got cold and she was the only one talking at the table.

  Then Jessica stood up, left her mug in the sink and announced it was time to get going. But it was too late by then. All William could smell was the overpowering lavender scent. All he could taste was lavender when he should have tested coffee and he started worrying whether his smile was convincing enough, wondering if he looked human enough. Would Jessica still love him if he stood up and left without her, if he told her he couldn’t go anywhere? Was there any place he could run where he didn’t have to smell lavender?

  “Wiliam, are you ok? You don’t look well.”

  He shook his head, stood up briskly. “I’m sorry. Can you excuse me for a minute?”

  Lisa watched him disappear along the hallway into the toilet. “He really doesn’t look too hot, Jessy. Is he ok?”
r />   “I don’t know, Lisa. Did you not hear me ask?”

  “I bet he doesn’t like me. Bet he thinks I’m an idiot.” True. A boring idiot to be exact. “He doesn’t talk much, does he?”

  “He’s not feeling very well. That’s all.”

  “He really looks familiar, y’know? I’m sure I’ve seen him somewhere before.”

  Jessica sighed impatiently slammed a fist on the worktop. “It’s not possible, Lisa! You heard him, he’s never been to Crocker Amazon and you’ve never been anywhere so just give it a rest, will you!”

  Lisa looked down at the mug between her hands, half full of cold coffee, the hurt puppy expression back on her face and Jessica began to feel sorry on top of annoyed. A sorry idiot. It was definitely time to leave.

  But when William returned in the kitchen he didn’t say, you want to get your bag then? but, “Jessy, can I talk to you for a second?”

  They moved out into the corridor leaving Lisa in the kitchen. He looked suddenly drained, pale and exhausted and she felt even more sorry, for him, for Lisa, for herself, for the whole goddamn stupid situation.

  “Everything ok?”

  “I’m sorry. I can’t do this.”

  “Don’t worry. We can go now. You don’t have to answer any more questions.”

  “No, I mean today, this. I can’t do it.”

  “This? What?”

  “I need to go. I need to be alone.”

  “What? What are you talking about?”

  She knew exactly what he was saying, she’d known the moment he had left the table, but a part of her hoped that if she asked enough times he might just see how crazy it all was, he might just change his mind.

  “I can’t. I don’t feel well. I need to go home.” He said flatly, his voice craggy, the way it sounds in the morning, after hours of silence.

  He tried to think of other words to tell her, of another explanation but he couldn’t think of any, he wasn’t sure there was anything he could say to make her understand without showing her what a freak he really was. He couldn’t he tell her how uneasy her friend’s stare made him feel, how people in general made him uncomfortable; he couldn’t tell her how the smell of lavender made his stomach churn, how he couldn’t breathe, how he needed to hide away, not without revealing sordid details of his past. So he didn’t speak.