Blue Sky Days

by Marie Landry

  After much discussion, on Sunday we decided I should go home that night so we could both get a proper night’s sleep. I returned Monday morning to spend Thanksgiving Day with Nicholas. As soon as I stepped off the elevator and onto the cancer treatment floor I burst into nearly hysterical giggles at the sight of all the nurses wearing pilgrim hats and bonnets, along with brightly coloured autumn and Thanksgiving-themed smocks.

  The halls and nurses stations were decorated with enormous cardboard cutouts of turkeys, draped with garlands of colourful leaves, pumpkins and gourds, and adorned with tall vases of Chinese Lanterns and cattails.

  I exchanged friendly greetings and holiday wishes with the pilgrim-nurses, as well as familiar patients and visitors as I walked down the hall to room 623. I thought it was amazing that they went to so much trouble to make the day really feel like Thanksgiving, and to give patients a touch of home for the holidays.

  I wondered what the staff did to make the floor cheerier during the Christmas holidays. I could imagine the nurses in elf hats or with reindeer antlers, and the halls decked with Christmas trees and lights. Despite that being a nice thought, I hoped we wouldn’t be there to see it. I said a silent prayer that Nicholas would be out of the hospital and in complete remission before Christmas so we could spend it at home with the people we loved.

  When I reached Nicholas’s room, I pushed the door open and stepped inside. Nicholas was just sitting there on the edge of his bed, but when he saw me, his face broke into a wide grin. His eyes darted to the other side of the room, and I followed his gaze to where a large folding table was set up and decorated with a cornucopia, fancy fall-theme napkins and paper plates, candles, and a bucket of ice with what looked like sparkling cider inside.

  “Nicholas!” I cried. “Did you do all this?”

  Nicholas chuckled softly. “I can’t take any credit for this. That goes to the holiday pilgrims out there who felt bad when I told them you were giving up Thanksgiving with your family to be with me instead.”

  “It’s beautiful,” I said, my hand going to my chest, where my heart had started beating faster. “I can’t believe they did all this. And I didn’t give up Thanksgiving with my family, you’re my family now too, Nicholas. There’s nowhere I’d rather be than with you, wherever that happens to be.”

  I sat down on the bed next to him and wrapped my arms around his shoulders, which were much thinner than they were just a week ago. He kissed my cheek, and I looked over his shoulder at the table. “Why all the place settings though? Are the pilgrims joining us?”

  Nicholas shook his head. “Even better.” He cocked his head toward the door, and right on cue Daisy appeared holding insulated bags that smelled like the most heavenly food on earth. There was some jostling and excited chatter as Sam, Vince, and Maggie crowded around Daisy in the doorway, smiling and laughing.

  “You guys!” I exclaimed, leaping off the bed and meeting them at the door. “I can’t believe you did all this.”

  “We thought since you two couldn’t be home for Thanksgiving, we’d bring home and Thanksgiving to you,” Daisy said, kissing my cheek. She stepped into the room, pressing kisses to both of Nicholas’s cheeks before moving to the table to set down the bags.

  I hugged and kissed Sam, Vince, and Maggie, and told them how much I loved them and how happy I was to see them. The sound of someone clearing his throat from the hall caught my attention, and I whirled to see who our newest visitor was. I was so shocked, it took me a minute to realize the tall, handsome man in the doorway was my father.

  “Daddy!” I ran across the room and threw myself into his waiting arms. “Oh Daddy, I’m so glad you’re here!” I burst into tears as I pulled away and held him at arm’s length to look at him.

  “Happy Thanksgiving, honey,” he said, looking almost shy and unsure of himself. He drew me back into his arms and held on tightly.

  I could hear sniffles behind me, and when I turned, Daisy was standing there with silent tears streaming down her face. I released my dad and wrapped my arms around Daisy. “Thank you,” I whispered. “This means so much to me.”

  “I know, honey,” she whispered back, giving me a squeeze before shifting to wipe the tears from my face, then her own.

  In all the excitement it had taken me a minute to realize someone was missing. “Where’s Mother?” I asked my dad.

  He cleared his throat uncomfortably and put his arm around my shoulders. “Honey, she’s spending Thanksgiving at her mother’s. I told her the only place I was going for Thanksgiving was wherever my baby girl happened to be, so here I am…and there she is at your grandmother’s.” He shrugged his shoulders helplessly, a mixture of hurt and resignation in his eyes.

  Not wanting to spoil the mood of the occasion or take away from all the work it must have taken to set this whole thing up, I led my dad over to Nicholas’s bed. “Daddy, this is Nicholas. Nicholas, this is my dad, Paul.”

  Nicholas stood up and he and my dad started to shake hands, but then they simultaneously reached to hug each other instead. My dad patted Nicholas on the back and said, “It’s good to finally meet you. Emma has told me so much about you, and I couldn’t wait to finally meet the man who changed her life.”

  “Thank you, sir, that means a lot,” Nicholas said, patting my dad’s back in return as he pulled away. “I’m not the only man who’s changed Emma’s life though—you had a big part in making her the person she is today, and I know you mean the world to her.”

  My dad’s eyes misted over, something I had never seen them do, and he clapped Nicholas on the shoulder wordlessly. The look on Nicholas’s face expressed his understanding, and it was obvious that in that short moment, they had connected and bonded. Nicholas seemed to have that effect on people.

  “Well I don’t know about all of you, but I’m starving,” Sam said, rubbing his hands together.

  We unpacked the bags of food and spread it all out. By the time we were done, the entire table was covered in the most elaborate Thanksgiving feast I had ever seen. When we were all seated, with Daisy and my dad at either end of the table, Sam, Vince, and Maggie on one side, and Nicholas and I on the other side, Sam asked that we all join hands so we could give thanks. It had become a tradition when we gathered for meals, but it was still something I was trying to get used to. I caught my dad’s eye and he smiled broadly, looking happier than I had seen him in years.

  Sam’s voice resonated throughout the room as he asked for a blessing on all of us, and gave thanks for bringing us all together as one big family. We were silent for a moment when he finished speaking, still connected by our joined hands.

  I was thinking of how blessed I was to have such incredible people in my life, and I was also praying for Nicholas’s full recovery. I had a feeling everyone else was doing the same.

  When we released hands, Sam clapped his together and said, “Let the feast begin!”

  As serving containers were passed and plates were filled, Nicholas picked up his glass of cider and turned to me. “To a lifetime of blue sky days,” he said, so only I could hear him.

  “I’ll drink to that,” I said, clinking our glasses together before leaning in and pressing my lips to his.

  CHAPTER 16

  Things were back to normal—or, at least, our current version of normal—the next day. I had spent the night, actually sleeping in the little cot beside Nicholas’s bed this time so he could get the rest he needed after our Thanksgiving festivities. On Tuesday, even though Nicholas was tired, he was happy and talkative, and even managed to eat most of his lunch.

  Late that afternoon, Roy came in to see us and told me he thought it would be a good idea if I went home for a few days. Nicholas and I exchanged horrified glances, and my chest tightened almost painfully at the thought of leaving Nicholas for that long.

  Roy explained that although Nicholas was doing well and my being there was helping him stay strong and keeping his spirits up, I could jeopardize his recovery if I got sick. When I opene
d my mouth to argue that I wasn’t going to get sick, Roy said even though I may feel fine, by being in the hospital so much, under stress, and focusing most of my attention on taking care of Nicholas, I was weakening my immune system.

  “I hardly see you eat anymore,” Roy said, his genuine concern apparent in both his voice and his eyes. “When’s the last time you had a proper meal before yesterday? When’s the last time you had a good night’s sleep? Or the last time you did something just for yourself? You’re starting to look pale, Emma.”

  “You’ve lost weight, too,” Nicholas chimed in.

  “Traitor,” I said to him, although it was half-hearted because I knew they were right. Nicholas didn’t eat much since he felt nauseous from the chemo, so sometimes I forgot to eat. I didn’t sleep well because I was either at the hospital in an uncomfortable chair or cot, or at home worrying.

  I had started to notice that my clothes were a little loose, but I made excuses for that, as well as my sickly-looking complexion—summer was over after all, it was only natural that my tan would fade.

  “As Nicholas’s doctor, he’s my first priority,” Roy said. “But I care about you too, and you have to know this is for the good of both of you. Go home, take a couple days to rest and relax, and you can come back on Friday.” He pulled a prescription pad from his jacket pocket and scribbled something. “A light sleeping aid. You don’t have to use it, but I think it would help.” He smiled sympathetically as he handed it to me, patted me on the shoulder and left the room.

  “Well,” I said, pulling my tote bag from under the bed and gathering up my things that were scattered throughout the room. “Guess I’d better head home. Doctor’s orders.” I was trying to keep my tone light, but my voice broke slightly on the last words.

  “Em.” Nicholas stopped me as I passed by his bed. He pulled me between his legs and rested his hands on my hips, looking up at me. I could tell he was trying to keep his expression controlled, but his eyes always told me everything I needed to know. In those bright blue depths, I saw a mixture of pain, fatigue, fear, longing, love, and sadness that had my chest tightening even more painfully than before.

  He leaned his head against my stomach, and I ran my hand soothingly over his head. It was still a strange sensation—bare, smooth skin, as opposed to the soft, luxurious hair I’d become accustomed to. “I don’t want you to go,” he said, his voice slightly muffled. “But I don’t want you to get sick, either.” He leaned back, his hands tightening briefly on my hips before moving up my body to pull me down for a kiss. “We can talk on the phone every day, and you know I won’t be alone. Vince said he and Maggie would be back this week, and so did my dad. It’s not the same as having you here, but we both need this right now.”

  I sighed heavily and cupped Nicholas’s face for another kiss. “I hate it when you’re right.”

  “I’m always right.” The grin on his face had the tightness leaving my chest and warmth spreading through me.

  “If that thought will help you sleep tonight, then okay, you’re always right,” I teased. I bent to pick up my bag, but Nicholas grabbed me and pulled me to him again for a slow, thorough kiss that sent delicious shivers racing through me.

  When he pulled back, his eyes dark and his breath coming faster, he grinned again. “That should last us till Friday.”

  I let out a breathy laugh and shook my head. I wasn’t entirely sure about that. I thought a kiss like that—full of heat and passion and unspoken longing—was more likely to drive me crazy than anything. “Take care of yourself, okay? I’ll call you tonight.”

  “Can’t wait,” he said, reclining on the bed and pulling the covers up around himself. “You take care of yourself. I’m the one surrounded by doctors and nurses.”

  “And I have Daisy, which we both know is the next best thing.” I bent to give him one last kiss, making sure it was quick and light, otherwise I was afraid I’d never leave. “I love you.”

  “I love you, too,” Nicholas whispered, pressing a kiss to my forehead, then my nose, and finally my lips.

  The tender gesture made me want to cry, but I smiled as I squeezed his hand. “Be good.”

  The sound of his laughter followed me into the hallway, where I stopped for a minute to lean against the wall and collect myself. I rested my head on the cool brick and closed my eyes, forcing myself not to turn around and go right back into Nicholas’s room. I counted to ten, then twenty, and when I finally opened my eyes I saw Roy standing at the nurses station down the hall, watching me.

  His look was one I had seen before, and told me everything I needed to know—Nicholas would be fine, Roy would take care of him, watch over him, and call me if there was any change. He nodded to me and I nodded back before pushing myself away from the wall and heading to the parking garage.

  *****

  I didn’t really know what to do with myself once I got back to Riverview. I had been home quite often, of course, but always with the knowledge that in a few hours I’d be returning to the hospital to see Nicholas. This time was different; I had the feeling I was forgetting to do something or that I was missing something.

  Daisy had left a note in case I came home, saying she was out with Sam for the evening and wouldn’t be late. The two had been spending a lot of time together since Sam’s return, and although Daisy denied they were anything but friends, she lit up whenever she talked about him—which was a lot. She seemed happy, and since that’s all I wanted for her it didn’t really matter whether they were friends or something more.

  I headed upstairs to my bedroom and stripped off my clothes. As I was about to step into the shower, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and cringed. My skin was pale and dry, my hair was in need of a cut, and my collarbones and cheekbones were more prominent than usual. I’d always been curvy, and I liked my figure—even more so since Nicholas had told me repeatedly how much he loved it—but Nicholas was definitely right about me losing weight recently. Which meant that Roy was right too when he said I needed to take better care of myself.

  I sighed as I stepped under the hot spray of the shower and stood there for a long time, eyes closed, working hard to clear my mind and concentrate on the soothing warmth of the water. I washed my hair and scrubbed myself from head to toe, hoping to get the hospital smell off me so it would be one less reminder that I wasn’t with Nicholas.

  When I was finished, I bypassed my closet and pulled my purple star-patterned pajamas from my dresser. Since I was going to be in for the night I might as well be comfortable, and the pajamas reminded me of happier times. Thinking of what Roy had said about my eating habits, along with Nicholas’s comment about me losing weight—then actually seeing the changes in my body—I went to the kitchen and set to work preparing dinner.

  I wasn’t used to being in the kitchen without Daisy or Nicholas. I had done a lot of cooking over the last few months, but usually one or both of them was around to help and give me guidance. I kept waiting for music to start blasting from the radio, and for Nicholas to grab me and spin me around the kitchen, or for Daisy to teach me a new cooking trick or show me which herbs and spices to use.

  As I sat eating my dinner at the kitchen table, it really hit me what a strange sensation it was to be alone. I had rarely been by myself since my arrival in Riverview. In high school, I had been on my own more often than not, and usually by choice. I went to class and concentrated on the work, I ate lunch alone while studying, then I went home and studied some more. I didn’t socialize; I didn’t participate in school activities, wasn’t involved in teams or sports or clubs.

  Now I looked forward to the times I would be around my friends. I wasn’t uncomfortable on my own, and I could entertain myself, but if I had to choose between being alone or being with one of my friends, I would choose to be with them. It was a big change from the girl who had basically spent her teenage years friendless.

  During high school, when I had watched the groups of giggling teenage girls in the cafeteria, or
the couples walking through the courtyard hand-in-hand, or even the kids on my street piling into cars and going various places together, it hadn’t bothered me. I would watch them without dwelling, without wishing I was one of them, and then go back to work. There was time for that, I would tell myself. That could be me if I wanted it to be, I would reassure myself.

  But even if I’d suddenly decided I wanted to be a part of the fun, I wouldn’t have known how. I was too shy to approach the popular girls, and the boys didn’t give me a second glance. I realized now that they ignored me because I wanted them to. I had spent so long trying to be invisible, trying to just fade into the background so I could get my work done, get ahead, get good grades, that I really had become invisible, even to myself in a way.

  I had defined myself as the solid girl who cared more about school than partying, and when it all fell apart, the definition fell apart with it.

  The sound of a car door slamming outside drew me out of my haze and back to reality. When I heard Daisy’s and Sam’s voices outside, I blinked hard, clearing all the old memories from my mind.

  Things were different now. The definition of the girl I had been didn’t apply anymore, and hadn’t ever since I’d arrived in Riverview that spring. I wasn’t the same lost girl, unaware of the world around me, and hiding myself from it. I wasn’t missing out anymore—I had friends, a boyfriend, people I loved who loved me back.

  I’d had more fun in the past five months than I’d had in the past five years. I had absolutely no reason to regret the person I’d been, because now I was the person I wanted to be. I was making a life for myself, and learning what I wanted from it. I wanted Riverview, I wanted Nicholas, I wanted Daisy and Sam and Vince and Maggie, and never-ending blue sky days.

  I still had so much to learn, but I was no longer afraid. I knew many people feared becoming dependent on others because they thought it would mean losing a part of themselves, or giving up control. I had become dependent on Nicholas and Daisy, but I hadn’t lost a part of myself; instead I’d found myself, discovered parts of myself I hadn’t known existed.