Hell And Back

by Natasha Madison

“Momma, you play castle with me?” She fills up another pail with sand.

  “No, baby, not today, maybe tomorrow. Come on, we need to go.” I pick her up and dust the sand off of her while she starts to cry. Turning to look at him, I glare.

  “Now look at what you did!” I accuse him.

  “I didn’t do that, you did that.” He points at me. “Why don’t you leave her with me, go check the chili, and then come back?”

  “I don’t want her to get in your way,” I say while Lilah uses the back of her hand to brush away the tears that fell. “What if she needs me?”

  “Bella, you’re going to be like twenty feet away. If she really wants you, I’ll bring her to you. Give me your phone.” He holds out his hand for me to hand him my phone.

  “I don’t have it on me. I don’t need it. It’s somewhere in the house. I think the kitchen,” I say while thinking of where I left it. I’ve got no one to call or anyone calling me, so I never carry it with me.

  “From now on, you keep it in your pocket. What if you fall and you need help? What if something happens to Lilah and you can’t move? You need to always have it just in case.”

  I don’t even want to think of how right he is. I can’t even let my mind wander to the possibility of someone getting me or Lilah and not being able to call for help.

  “I’ll get my phone, check the chili, and come right back.” I look down at Lilah while I feel his hands gently cup under my chin to lift my face up.

  “I’ve got her, babe.”

  I throw his hands off me as the memories of the past come roaring back.

  Memories of when Adam wasn’t high and was trying to be nice. It was always, Babe, I love you. Babe, I need you. Babe, babe, babe, babe.

  “Don’t call me that.” I don’t make eye contact as I rush past him before I have a meltdown in front of him.

  By the time I make it to the house, my heart has started to beat at a normal pace. My breathing is almost catching up, and my shaking hands are now calm.

  I grab the phone, check the chili, and rush back out to get Lilah.

  By the time I make it into his yard, I’m stopped in my tracks. There in the middle of this square box sits this almost stranger with my daughter in his lap while he helps her put sand in the pail. But that’s not what stops me.

  It’s the smile on her face, it’s her voice talking to him, it’s the sound of her giggles and laughs as he tickles her sides and she spills the sand.

  It’s almost too perfect. I have to stop myself from dreaming, from thinking this is what I’m supposed to have. I made my deal with the devil, and I got out. I don’t deserve anything more.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Jackson

  The minute I hear the gate door click shut, I look up. She’s beautiful, she’s absolutely fucking beautiful. The way the sun is hitting her from behind, she looks like an angel.

  In the weeks since she has moved in, she’s gotten fuller. She’s starting to look healthy again. When she folded her arms across her chest defiantly, I noticed she has definitely filled out in that area.

  What gets me every single time, though, is the life I see coming back into her eyes. The way she smiles more without even realizing she is doing it. The way her voice sounds when she is happy or the feisty attitude that is buried in there.

  The way she reacts when I push her buttons. I know if I get in there, she is going to light up my dark world. She is going to bring light back into my life, too. Can’t say I can walk away from that.

  “Did you get the phone?” I ask her as she makes her way closer to us. She replies by just giving me her phone. I don’t even have to use a code to unlock it.

  I shake my head. “Do you know anyone can access your phone and information like this?” It’s safety 101.

  “I have no idea. I’ve never had this type of cell phone before, so I have no idea what it does or doesn’t do. The last phone I had was a flip phone.”

  “Imagine you lose this phone and someone finds it. They have access to whatever data you’ve got stored in there. Pictures, web browsing history, location data from the GPS. You have to have a lock on it to protect your information. It’s a scary place out there. Trust me, I know. I’ve seen it.”

  “Okay, Jackson. You’re right. I’ll read the instruction manual tonight. Learn to lock it.”

  I look down at the phone, entering my contact information. She isn’t lying when she says she has nothing else on it. She has one other contact, someone named Brad. Who the fuck is Brad? “I’m in there under Jackson, right after Brad.”

  “Thank you,” she says softly, taking the phone from me. Not even setting my mind at ease about this Brad guy.

  “Chili still cooking?” I see her playing on the phone, trying to figure stuff out.

  “Um yeah, I have to put the corn bread in, but it takes forty minutes, so, Lilah, we have to go, honey, and leave Mr. Jackson to take his shower.”

  “Ice ceam?” Lilah looks at me and asks. Her little ponytail loops more to one side since she was leaning against my chest.

  “We can try and convince your mommy while we eat, how about it?”

  I look over at her, waiting for her to chime in. But she just glares at me. Fuck, that mouth. What I want to do to it, what I want it to do to me.

  “Come on, Lilah. Let’s go set up the dinner table with the special napkins Ms. Brenda got us while Mr. Jackson showers.”

  “Okay, Momma. Ackson come our house?”

  I set her down next to Bella. “Wouldn’t miss it for anything.” I smile at Bella. “I’m really hungry. Can’t wait for that turkey chili.”

  “You can stay home if you like. Or better yet, I can prepare you a Tupperware and bring it over to you.”

  There’s the firecracker. “Nope, I’m so happy I get to have dinner with two of my favorite girls.”

  Lilah giggles while Bella reaches down, picking her up. “We eat in forty minutes. If you aren’t there, I’ll bring something over,” she says as she saunters away.

  Fuck, I’d love to have her under me as I dared her to use her sassy mouth. My cock doesn’t know this isn’t the time or the place, because he’s ready for action.

  I laugh to myself while I make my way upstairs to undress and shower.

  My hand is very well acquainted with my cock. I feel like I’m twelve-year-old again with how easily and frequently I’m getting hard.

  I shower in record time, even with squeezing one off. I put on shorts and a shirt, not bothering with my hair.

  Once I make it to their door, I smell the corn bread. Knocking, I wait for her to answer. I would just walk in, but I don’t think we are there yet.

  When she opens the door, I see she has tied her hair up on top of her head, making her look even younger than she is.

  “Ackson, look, I set table.” Lilah runs around the table so she can show me what she did.

  The table is set with a white tablecloth and pink napkins. “Is that your favorite color, princess?” I ask her.

  She nods yes while she runs back in the kitchen, returning with two pink plastic cups. “You get one, I get one. Momma can have a glass.”

  “Please come in.” She walks away from the door, and my eyes automatically make their way to her ass. It would fit perfectly in my hand.

  A groan escapes me before I can take it back. She turns around and looks in my eyes. The need is there, the lust is there. Her cheeks turn a bit pink while she goes to the oven and bends down to check the corn bread.

  JESUS FUCK. I tilt my head up, trying to picture Freddie Krueger and his knives getting close to me in order to get my dick to calm down.

  “Oh, it’s ready,” she says as she places it on the stove. I make my way into the kitchen to see if I can help her.

  “What can I do to help?” I expect her to say nothing, but she surprises me when she tells me to bring the pitcher of lemonade to the table and the crock pot.

  When everything is set, she comes out with the piping hot corn bread
.

  “It smells so good, Bella. Thank you for inviting me.” I wink at her when her head whips back at me.

  “Lilah, you have to be very, very careful. This is really, really hot. Okay, love bug? So don’t forget to blow on it before you put it in your mouth.” She gives her a small pink bowl matching her cup.

  I look over at Lilah, who has climbed into her booster seat and is tucking her napkin in her shirt.

  “Ackson, you habe to bow.” Lilah looks at me.

  Bella serves me a big, heaping bowl. The mixture of spices hits my nose right away. My stomach grumbles loudly.

  “Well then, I guess I’m hungry,” I say and watch as both girls giggle a bit before Bella finally sits down.

  I look over at her when she grabs Lilah’s hand, and they both lower their heads. I grab Lilah’s hand and then Bella’s while I also lower my head.

  I haven’t said grace in a long time. I think it’s time I start giving someone thanks these two came into my life.

  “Amen,” Bella says while Lilah picks up her spoon, blowing so hard some chili flies off the spoon.

  “Bow, Ackson,” she tells me with all the seriousness that a three-year-old can muster.

  I watch as Bella reaches over to wipe her face and then helps her get the chili in her mouth. I really do have to thank someone I get to sit here with them.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Bella

  The minute I feel his fingers hold mine, shivers run through my body. I’m nearly overcome with the need to snatch my hand back so he doesn’t feel my sweaty palms. But his grip is like a wrench holding tight to a pipe.

  “Amen,” I say quietly. I don’t even think I said grace. I just wanted to snatch my hand away from him.

  “This smells delicious, Bella. Doesn’t it, Lilah?” He scoops up a spoonful of chili, blowing on it first before he puts it in his mouth.

  “Hmmm is good.” Comes from Lilah, who is blowing and scooping.

  “So let’s get to know each other. Lilah, how old are you?” Jackson asks Lilah, who drops her spoon into her bowl and says three while showing him five fingers, several of which are covered with chili.

  “You mean three.” He tries to show her how to hold down her thumb with her pinky. After ten tries, he gives up and says, “Yeah, that’s right, three. What about you, Bella?”

  “I’m twenty-four going to be twenty-five,” I tell him, not making eye contact with him. I don’t want to see if he’s judging me for having Lilah at twenty-one. I know I was an adult, but I was still young.

  “I’m twenty-six, almost twenty-seven.” He shares with us. Lilah is not even paying attention, though. She’s dipping the corn bread in her chili now, trying to copy Jackson.

  “Were you in school before you had Lilah?”

  “I was in school for a bit. I dropped out.”

  “Why did you drop out? Surely, you could have done night courses while you were pregnant?”

  I get an uneasy feeling in my stomach. I don’t want to give out too much information. The mere thought of him finding out what I’m running from is too much.

  “I couldn’t manage the two because I couldn’t find childcare for Lilah,” I say, pushing around my chili as my stomach starts to form knots.

  “So, what were you studying in school?”

  “I wanted to be a social worker,” I murmur. I always wanted to work with kids. When I lost my parents, I was lucky enough to have Nan, but what if I didn’t? I wanted to make sure kids were taken care of.

  “You would have been awesome at that.”

  I look up at him, catching the softness in his eyes.

  “You should take online courses. They do that now.”

  I think about the computer I have and know nothing about. Maybe I can do online courses. Lilah will be going to school soon.

  “Maybe I’ll look into it. What about you? I know you are a police officer. Do you like your job?”

  “I’m a detective for the special victims unit. I love doing what I do, some days. I’ve seen lots of things I wish I didn’t.” The minute he says that, I feel like I’m going to vomit. What are the chances I get a hot ass neighbor and he’s a detective? I swear someone hates me.

  “Are you okay? You look really pale.” His words have me shaking my head. Yes. I don’t think I can answer without my voice giving me away.

  I want to usher him out of the house and hide with Lilah under the bed and hope everything goes away.

  He must sense my mood change because the questions stop. He turns to Lilah, asking her most of the questions now. What her favorite television show is. What her favorite ice cream flavor is. Her favorite color. She answers pink, of course, no surprise there. He asks her what her favorite things to do are. She says her favorite thing is playing with the sand at Jackson’s house and blowing bubbles with Ms. Brenda.

  “What don’t you like to do, princess?”

  “I don’t like being in the closet in the dark,” Lilah says in a quiet whisper.

  I gasp out in shock at her response. But my thoughts are pushed aside when I hear a spoon clatter on the bowl and a chair scraping against the floor.

  “I’ll be right back.” He throws his napkin on the table, turning to walk out the front door.

  “Orry, Momma,” she whispers to me. “Ackson mad?”

  “No, baby, he’s not mad. He just forgot he left his front door open,” I lie to her as I see him sit down on the step outside the house.

  “Why don’t you finish up so we can get you in the bath? I’m thinking pink bubbles tonight.” I try to get her back to her happy place.

  “The pink big bubbles?” she asks.

  I know those are her favorites.

  “Yes, baby girl, those.” I pick up his plate and mine and bring them to the kitchen sink. I put the leftovers into a storage container, freezing a good portion for us, but also preparing a portion for Jackson to bring home.

  I look over and notice he is now pacing on the front lawn with his head down. He stops mid-strut when his phone rings.

  “Baby, why don’t you go and put your bowl on the counter and I’ll be right back to give you a bath, okay?”

  She nods at me while I walk to the door.

  Opening it slowly so it doesn’t make any noise, I hear his half of the conversation.

  “Marissa, it’s okay. Stop crying, it’ll be okay. I don’t know what is going to happen. I’m going to swing by. Would that help? I can be there in twenty minutes,” he says quietly and softly to her.

  He closes off the phone, turning around, and stopping when he sees me standing here.

  “I have to go,” he tells me, and I nod my head.

  I don’t say a word because I don’t trust my voice to crack and give me away.

  “I’m just going to say bye to Lilah.”

  Again, I just nod my head and watch him walk past me.

  I take a second to blink away the tears threatening to fall. After that, I look up at the sky and ask for strength. I make my way into the kitchen and hear the conversation between Jackson and Lilah.

  “You go bye bye?” Lilah asks while she sits on his lap, looking up at him.

  “Yes, I have to go bye bye. But how about tomorrow we go back and play in the sand? We can ask Mommy if you could eat at my house.” He leans in and whispers, “We could even ask her to order pizza.”

  She smiles and shakes her head yes. He kisses her cheek, placing her down, and turning around to look for me.

  “Bella, I gotta take off. I’m really sorry. I didn’t know I would—”

  “You don’t owe me anything,” I say to him while I turn around and grab the bag of chili and corn bread I wrapped up. “Here, I know you didn’t finish your dinner and you might be hungry later or maybe not. I don’t really know.” I have no idea what to say to him. I don’t even want to look at him. To know he is probably judging me for putting my daughter through that. I can’t see that, not from him.

  “Bella, look at me,” he asks, but I
shake my head no.

  I will not fall apart in front of him. He doesn’t get to witness it.

  “Lilah, come on, let’s get you in the bath.” I grab her and walk to the stairs. “Can you close the door when you leave? I’ll come down and lock it.”

  “Bella, this isn’t finished,” he says with his teeth clenched.

  “There isn’t anything to finish since there isn’t anything started. Please shut the door.” I don’t give him a chance to answer, instead jogging up the stairs.

  The minute I set Lilah down on the toilet so I can start the bath, I hear the click of the front door closing. Turning off the water, I run back downstairs to lock the door.

  Leaning my head on the door, I allow the tears to fall. I allow them because I’m allowing myself to feel hurt. Not because I’m hurt or I feel sorry for myself, but because my heart hurts for my baby, who is scared of dark closets. For not having enough faith in myself. For not getting away sooner.

  “Momma, I naked.” I hear Lilah yell and know if I don’t go back up there, she’ll empty the whole bottle of those damn pink bubbles.

  “I’m coming, baby girl. I’m just getting some water.” Drying the tears with the back of my hands, I walk back upstairs and give my girl and myself a pink bubble bath.

  We sing songs, and I tell her stories about when I was little. We sit outside, watching the stars. I have one eye on the house across the street that remains pitch-black.

  When she finally nods off to sleep, I take her inside and tuck her in. Grabbing a blanket and some throw pillows, I turn on the baby monitor and head downstairs to sit in the swing.

  I sit in the swing, watching the stars, daydreaming and wishing things were different.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Jackson

  When the phone rang and I saw Marissa’s number, I knew I would have to leave. I wasn’t wrong. She said Lori called her whispering, crying, and asking for help.

  Fuck, I can’t deal with this right now. Not after sitting at the table while the little girl who has woven herself into my heart tells me she hates dark closets. I’m supposed to enforce the law, but in that moment, I knew I would kill the person who forced her into a dark closet without thinking twice. I’d end his life, just like that, no hesitation.