Hell And Back

by Natasha Madison

  His body may have been there, but he was gone.

  I waited for him to go out the next day before I searched his room. I found everything I was afraid to find. Used needles and syringes, little ziplock baggies.

  When he came home, I waited for him in the kitchen with all his shit in front of me. His face went pale when he saw everything on the table.

  “What is all this?” he asked while pointing to the table.

  “Oh this,” I said, “all this is from your room. You can’t tell me you don’t recognize it.”

  “What the fuck are you doing snooping in my room? Don’t you have something better to do?” He walked toward the table.

  “What the fuck am I doing? What the fuck are you doing? Have you lost your mind?” I was talking to him, but his eyes were on the table, scanning the items.

  “Where is the rest of it?” he whispered through clenched teeth.

  “Oh, you mean the white powder in the baggies you had hidden in your room? Those would be in the toilet. You didn’t think I would keep them, did you?” My body was wrung tight. I was waiting for that fight. The more time passed, the angrier I got. “Why are you doing this, Adam? Why?” I pleaded with him, almost begging him to tell me.

  “Why? Why the fuck do you care now? Ever since Dad died, you’ve checked out. Your dick is so fucking mesmerized with pussy!” He threw it in my face.

  Yes, my father dying in the line of duty rocked our worlds. Yes, I’d been doing everything possible not to come home and cope with it, but never did I think I was neglecting him.

  “How many fucking times did I ask you to stay home, ask you to hang out? Not today, Adam, maybe later, Adam. Well, guess what, big brother, I don’t need you anymore. I have my own friends now,” he told me while pushing around the paraphernalia I found in his room.

  “I would never push you to this. You need to stop doing this. Think of Mom.” I tried begging him. “She would die if she knew you are doing this to yourself.”

  He started throwing around the stuff on the table. “Where are they, where are they?” he kept asking.

  He was looking for the three pills I found hidden in his pillowcase.

  “Adam, I flushed them. Please, we can get you help, we can tak—”

  He finally snapped, throwing over the little dinette table. “FUUUUCCCKKKK! I don’t fucking want help,” he yelled so loud, I was surprised the windows in the house didn’t break.

  In that minute, my mother walked in the kitchen holding four grocery bags in her hands. “What is going on with you two? I could hear you all the way to the car.” She took in the table that was turned over. She took in the needles that were now all around the room. She took in the burnt spoons and his rubber band along with the empty plastic baggies.

  The look of horror crossed over her face. “What is all this, Jackson?” The bags fell out of her hands with a huge thud.

  “Oh, this, Mom? This would be what Adam’s been up to with his new friends,” I told her, looking straight into my brother’s green eyes.

  She turned to look at Adam, who was looking like he could breathe fire at that point. “Adam, what’s going on here?”

  The question loomed in the air, the tension so thick you could cut it with a knife “I get high, Mom, all the fucking time,” he said, laughing at her. “What does anyone care? No one cares!” He threw his hands out to the side. “You”—he pointed to my mother—“are so sick with grief from losing Dad and trying to make everything perfect when it’s not. And you”—he pointed to me—“are too busy burying your cock in a puss—”

  I didn’t let him finish his sentence. I punched him right in the mouth. He turned his head to look at me, blood leaking from the side of his mouth.

  He bent his head back and laughed again. “Is that all you have, brother?”

  “Adam.” My mother stepped to him to try to help him, but he pushed her away.

  “No! I don’t need this from the both of you.”

  “I don’t give a shit if you want or need it. You aren’t doing this shit here.”

  “What about you, Mom? You going to let him kick me out of my home?” He turned and looked at our mother’s grief-stricken face.

  “Adam, you can’t do this to yourself. You are better than this. Your father would be—” She tried to talk to him.

  “My father is dead, so he can’t be anything.” He smirked at her, a shocked gasp making its way out of her mouth before she covered it with her hand.

  “Watch it. You will not talk to her like that. You aren’t happy here? Then take your shit and leave.” I practically dared him, hoping it was the push he needed.

  “Fuck this, I’m out.” He turned around and headed to the door with my mother trailing behind him, pleading with him to stay.

  I watched the whole thing without saying another word. Watched him jump into a run-down Civic as my mother begged and cried for him to come back inside.

  I watched her almost run after the car. But what stuck with me most of all were her eyes when she turned around. Eyes filled with sadness, regret, and sorrow.

  “He’ll come back, Mom. Come inside.”

  We waited all night, then the next and then the next, and he never came back. The guilt over my part in that whole scene ate at me every single day since.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Bella

  The door to the hospital room is open for the first time since I opened my eyes.

  I’m always scared that Adam would walk by and see me. But the last nurse who was in here just forgot to close it. In front of my door sits a man who looks like The Hulk with all his muscles.

  But I’m not looking at him. I’m looking at the guy sitting in the chair next to him. The guy I kicked out of my room and my life.

  He looks worse than me, and I have broken bones. He looks at me, but his eyes are no longer crystal blue. They’re more of a cloudy gray.

  I turn away, breaking eye contact, hoping someone else comes in and closes the door so my eyes don’t go there.

  It is easier to ignore him when I can’t see him.

  I can’t wait until tomorrow when I’m released and don’t have to see him or know he is so close.

  Every night I feel him close to me, but when I open my eyes I’m always alone.

  “Ackson!” I hear my daughter’s sweet voice calling to him with obvious affection.

  Looking over, I see him smile, holding out his arms as she jumps up into them. The flowers she is holding in her hands get squashed between them.

  “Look what I got for Momma. Ms. Brenda says they are pretty just like her.”

  “No, sweetie, nothing is as pretty as your mom,” he tells her while looking at me.

  I blink away the tears and turn my head, ignoring the pull to him. Ignoring the need to call him over to hold my hand.

  “You go give your momma her flowers.” He kisses her head and places her on her feet.

  “You stay here?” she asks him.

  “Always.” Again he is talking straight to me.

  “Momma! Momma! Look, flowers,” she tells me, skipping and then jumping on my hospital bed near my feet, handing me the crushed bouquet.

  “They are so beautiful.” I bring them to my nose, inhaling the fresh smell of the daisies.

  “You more beautiful. Ackson, come sit with Momma.” Lilah waves her hand at him, while I hold my breath.

  “Not now, sweetheart, you visit with Momma. I’m going to go get you some of that apple juice and cookies you like,” he tells her, getting up and leaving.

  Brenda comes in and closes the door. “Thank you,” I whisper to her. We haven’t spoken yet, but I know I owe her an explanation.

  “You look like you are so ready to go home,” Brenda says while she puts her purse down on the chair.

  “I can’t wait,” I say and I really can’t. I want to be able to go outside and sit on the swing. I want to be able to cook my own food—food that actually has taste.

  “I suppose I shou
ld tell you someone had a top of the line system installed in your house. With cameras.” Brenda sits next to Lilah on the bed.

  I shake my head, not even sure how to handle the information she just told me. “I can’t do this. I thought I could, Brenda, but I don’t think I can. Maybe Lilah and I could start over somewhere else. It won’t be easy but...” My voice trails off, Brenda leaning forward to hold my hand.

  “You are not letting him run you out of your own home.”

  The rest of the afternoon passes as normal, Lilah practicing her coloring in the lines while Brenda reads her newest book on her Kindle.

  The daytime nurses switch to the evening nurses. When Lilah starts yawning, it’s Brenda’s cue to start packing up all their stuff.

  “We should pack your stuff up since you are leaving tomorrow,” Brenda says, gathering all the little things she brought me over the last two weeks.

  After she is done, there are five bags filled with stuff.

  “You can’t bring that to the car and hold Lilah.” I look over at her from the chair I’m sitting in, holding Lilah in my arms. It’s still difficult with the cast, but I need to get used to it.

  “I’ll manage. Little heart, why don’t you go to the bathroom before we leave, okay?” Brenda tells Lilah before they hit the road.

  Lilah carefully climbs off my lap, taking my good hand, and pulling me to the bathroom.

  When we finally come out, I see all the bags are gone and Brenda is sitting on the bed. “That was fast.”

  “Jackson carried them for me.” She shrugs her shoulders in a matter-of-fact way.

  There is a knock on the door and The Hulk pushes his head inside, saying, “Jackson said you are all good to go.” Then quickly leaves.

  “Okay, love bug, come give Momma a kiss. Tomorrow I get to come home with you. Maybe we can order pizza.” I know just by the way her eyes light up I said the magic word.

  “Yeah, pissa,” she says while running out of the door, yelling for Jackson. “We gonna get pizza, Jackson,” she says when she stops in front of his chair.

  He picks her up, placing her on his lap just as the door closes, leaving Brenda and me alone.

  “This isn’t right, Bella, and you know it.” She places her hands on her hips like she normally does.

  “Brenda, I...” I start to say.

  “You what? You don’t want him? That’s a lie. You can’t trust him? Another lie. I don’t know what happened before, and I know it’s not the time to push you. But”—she exhales—“there is no way in hell Jackson would do anything to hurt you. Not one thing. Not verbally, not mentally, and definitely not physically.”

  I shake my head, the tears threatening to fall. My heart beats faster, the pain so strong I have to sit on the bed.

  “He hasn’t left this hospital since you came in,” she continues.

  “He lied to me,” I say. I know he really didn’t because it never came up. But I can’t help but feel he knew who I was.

  “He sent his mother away,” she states, making my head snap up, “when she showed up here looking for Adam. He told her that he would choose you over everyone else.” She sits next to me, wrapping her arm around my shoulders. “He loves you. You can’t just throw that away.”

  The tears fall into my lap, landing on my hands.

  “Ms. Brenda.” We hear Lilah call. “I tired.”

  We both laugh while I wipe the tears away. She kisses my cheek. “I’ll bring you some clothes tomorrow when we bust you loose from this place.”

  She walks to the door, and I call out to her, “Brenda.” She turns and faces me. “Thank you.”

  “You can thank me by doing right by her”—she points her head in Lilah’s direction—“and by doing right by you.”

  With those words she leaves, closing the door behind her.

  Everything is just too much to deal with. My head hurts, my heart aches, and when I finally do crawl into bed right after Brenda leaves, sleep takes over, dragging me into a slumber. In my dream, I feel fingertips gently stroking my hand, butterfly kisses, and most of all, an overwhelming sense of love and peacefulness.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Jackson

  I sit in a chair in the dark room, holding her hand and pressing small kisses to it. People would probably look at this and say I need help, but I just need Bella.

  Knowing she is going to be released tomorrow is something I don’t want to think about. Even if she won’t allow me in her room, I sneak in at night just to hold her hand and watch her sleep.

  The bruises have faded, and her lip is almost healed with just a touch of scabbing. I would give anything to be able to get into the bed with her just to hold her. Just to feel her next to me.

  After the scene at my mother’s house, I’ve been almost lost between the two, and the only thing that really calms me is Bella.

  Mick is staying close by, giving me my space, waiting for me to blow up. I know it’s coming; he knows it’s coming.

  The door opens with the night nurse coming in just to check and make sure things are okay.

  “Hey, Jackson,” she whispers. “It’s almost dawn. She should be up soon.”

  I nod my head, knowing she usually gets up at six or sixty-thirty. I just want to spend every minute with her before I’m no longer able to.

  “She’s going home today,” she continues while she writes things down in the chart. “Did you figure out how you are going to sneak into her house yet?” She laughs silently.

  I think it’s a running joke with the nurses that I’m going to be like Spiderman and scale her house. If I thought I could do it, I would.

  “Very funny.” I laugh, also thinking about it.

  When Bella starts to moan and her eyes start to flutter, we both stop what we are doing.

  I quietly get up, walking into the dark corner right before her eyes open up. “Oh, hey. I thought I felt someone,” she says while rubbing her face with her good hand.

  “Just me checking your vitals. You excited about going home?” she asks Bella.

  “I can’t wait. Gotta say these beds suck.” They both laugh.

  “How about we check the stitches on your head? If they’re healed enough, I think we could finally wash that hair of yours. Get the smell of hospital out of it.” The nurse has Bella turn her back toward the door, giving me just enough time to sneak out.

  “She’s up early,” Brian, the nighttime security guy, says. He owns the security company that will be watching Bella.

  When I called him, he didn’t even stop to ask questions. I met Brian four years ago when his seventeen-year-old daughter took off with her boyfriend to get married. Both high on coke, we found them in the middle of the park swimming in the fountain.

  Four years later, she’s done a stint in rehab and is graduating beauty school.

  “Yeah.” I rub my hands down my face. “I’m going to take off. Go home and get things ready. You have your guys lined up?” I ask him, but I know he’s already ahead of the game.

  “I got her. Go home, sleep, maybe fucking shower. It’s a good thing these nurses are tripping over their tongues when they see you or they would be wearing masks.”

  With that, I laugh before turning around and walking out.

  Six hours later, I’m rolling up to the hospital freshly showered. Brian wasn’t wrong. I stunk!

  I don’t even think I took my shoes off when I face planted in my bed.

  The minute I walk inside I see Bruno, the daytime guard, up next to his chair.

  “What’s the matter?” I ask him.

  “Nothing, boss, just waiting for her to leave. Doctor passed by about an hour ago, signed her papers,” he says, looking at his watch.

  “Brenda here yet?” I ask, standing next to him, putting my hands in my pockets. Sadness looms over me.

  “Yup, got here about fifteen minutes ago.” Bruno isn’t one to talk much and it’s fine.

  Mick walks off the elevator five minutes later. “What are you do
ing here?” I ask him.

  “Nothing, just came to check shit out,” he says, slapping me on my shoulder. I know he came to make sure I’m okay.

  The door opens with Brenda walking out first. Right behind her follows Bella. They washed her hair, and it’s now in a side braid. Not a trace of makeup on her face, and I could swear right then and there that she is the most gorgeous person to ever walk the earth.

  Her shorts fit her perfectly with her tank top molding her breasts. My dick finally wakes up. She doesn’t see me yet, but the minute she does, something flickers in her eyes. I just don’t know what it is.

  Maybe she’s scared of me? Maybe she looks at me and all she can see is Adam and the hatred that she feels?

  I push myself off the wall, saying hi to Brenda.

  “Ackson, Momma go home,” Lilah says next to her mom, smiling while holding a balloon that says ‘Get Well Soon’.

  “I know, I heard. Are you happy?” I ask her when she just nods her head yes.

  She reaches out her hand that is holding the balloon and waits for me to hold her hand. Once I have her hand in mine, she looks at her mother. “Let’s go home, Momma.”

  Bella doesn’t say anything to me, her eyes avoiding me at all costs.

  Brenda and Mick walk ahead of us with Bruno following behind us.

  “We play sand castles, Momma?” Lilah looks over at her, waiting for an answer when her mother just shakes her head no.

  She then turns her head in my direction, looking for me to jump on her side. “Maybe when Momma takes a nap, Ms. Brenda can bring you over so you can play.” I suggest more for Bella than Lilah. “I’m going into work today, so you can go anytime.”

  The answer seems to satisfy her for now since she doesn’t say anything while we wait for the elevator. Some nurses stop by us while we are waiting to wish Bella well.

  The elevator ride down is silent, everyone on alert and unease thick in the air.

  “We go Ackson truck, Momma?” Lilah asks when we make it outside.

  “No, honey, we are going to take Ms. Brenda’s car.”