Cities

by Carla de Guzman

  "Oh!" Celia exclaimed for the second time. There it was. Henry was different because suddenly, his harmless flirtation meant something. Now everything he ever said to her was real, and she wasn’t sure how she felt about that. “You…you want to take me out on a date?"

  She could swear she felt Ben stiffen behind her. Henry's smile became even more nervous and apologetic, but his motives were completely sincere. "Of course," he said. "It's what you do when you like someone, right?"

  If she could, Celia would have turned to Ben and watched his reaction. This had never happened to her before. It wasn't that she didn't like Henry. She really liked him, and had at one point, entertained the idea of maybe going out with him, but...

  Ben said a very loud expletive in English behind Celia, making her turn and look up at him. He was looking somewhere far away, almost like he wasn’t there at all.

  "Is this what you wanted?" He asked nobody in particular. He laughed bitterly and shook his head before walking up to school by himself. Celia frowned and tossed her latte into the trash. So much for their confessions, then. She however, was better than him. When faced with a friend who faced his feelings, she would be kind. She would never, never just walk away.

  "The flowers are lovely, Henry," she said, smiling appreciatively. "I have to thank you. But I'm sorry. I can't go out with you. I like someone else."

  Henry’s expression quickly twisted into something angry and frustrated. She hadn’t expected that. “Him? Seriously, Celia? I told you to stay away from him, and yet somehow he's the one you fall for." Henry scoffed in disbelief (she thinks she sees a bit of disappointment, too) and crossed his arms. "He's engaged, Celia. Ben and Vivian's families have been planning the whole affair since they were kids."

  "What?" Celia asked, ice running through her veins as the warmth in her chest shattered. Her mind raced through her time with Ben, each image shattered by the image of Vivian's not-too warm face and her cackling laughter (she had to admit the laughter was a bit exaggerated, but just a bit). It broke her heart.

  "I thought you were smarter than this," Henry said, shaking his head. "I thought you were better than him."

  Celia was so upset, she threw the flowers back at Henry and ran to the direction of the school, looking for Ben. But as soon as she reached the campus, the school bells chimed to signal the start of the 9am classes. Fridays were her heaviest day for classes, and she barely had the time to find him. After being stalked by him just the week before (had it only been a week?), not being able to see Ben at the corner of her eye frustrated her to no end. In class, she avoided Henry’s sad eyes, her toes tapping impatiently against her chair.

  Classes let out later in the afternoon, and Celia made a last ditch attempt at finding Ben before leaving. While her anger had certainly cooled, she had no idea what to say to him. She didn’t know how to look at him now, the boy who had showed her how wonderful Seoul could be. Celia tried not to think about how much those kisses might have meant to him, or if he kissed Vivian the way he did her.

  The afternoon had already turned to dusk, the sun setting a brilliant glow against the last of the autumn leaves. She found Ben alone in a hallway, standing like a shadow against the bright lights. Bells chimed to signal the hour. A sense of déjà vu ran though her, making her shudder a bit.

  "Ben," she said, slightly out of breath. He turned to her, a white rose already in his hand. His face was sad and full of hurt, like he couldn't bear it. His hand reached out for her, pulling her in front of him. What was going on?

  "I wanted this to work here, right here, this time," he said to her sadly. "But it’s not working."

  "What are you--" Celia started to ask, but Ben silenced her with a kiss on her lips, one that lingered and one that she wouldn't easily forget. His lips parted and so did hers. His arms snaked around her, resting on the small of her back like they belonged there. Celia’s hands brushed against his cheeks before landing on his chest, unsure of what to do. Ben pulled away from her lips and buried his face in her neck, his breath tickling her. But Celia dared not laugh. There was something about this moment that felt like it should never have happened. Like it didn’t belong to them at all. In her mind she was alone in a hallway with a white rose. Ben was alone in this hallway with a white rose.

  "Saranghae," he whispered into her hair, holding her so closely she wasn't sure she heard him right.

  The sun set right into her eyes, and the world vanished around her. Events unraveled and undid themselves in front of her eyes, like threads loosening from a weave. She found herself sitting in her room in Manila, in the warm sunny skies, the acceptance letter to Yonsei University in her hand. Her father was standing in front of her waiting for her decision.

  "Dad," she said to her father, looking at him. "I think....I think I'll stay in Manila.”

  Her father smiled and kissed the top of her forehead. "Okay, sweetheart. We can just visit Seoul another time."

  "Right," she said with a smile, tossing the letter aside without another thought.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  MANILA

  A FEW hours and a dress change later, the advance bridal party made quick work of the traffic to the church. It had rained again, and now the ground was wet and puddles formed around the potholes in the church pavement. The wedding planner, at least, knew how to improvise and sent the guests through the side doors. Mats were ready for their fancy shoes to be wiped on. They reached Mary the Queen Church with a few minutes to spare. Celia hobbled over to the back of the church to make sure the music was in order. Her shoes were going to kill her. She burst through the door of the sound booth.

  "Manong, where is the--oh!" She exclaimed, taken aback when she realized that the man in the sound booth was in a suit and tie. "Ben, what are you doing here?"

  "Celia," he said breathlessly, his face incredibly relieved to see her. His boyish features smoothed and he stood up. He was holding on to his cellphone like he didn’t know what to do with it. Celia had known him since college, and she’d seen him give his books the same look. This time though, he seemed surprised, like she was the last thing he had expected to see. “You look...beautiful."

  It took Celia a moment to stamp down the thumps coming from her heart. She exhaled sharply. “Thank you." She waved a hand over her face like she dismissed her own thought. "Not exactly something you should be telling me on your wedding day, Ben."

  He blinked in confusion before he realized that she was right. "Right, of course not. God, I am screwing this up already," he said. Now it was his turn to exhale sharply, his hands on the nape of his neck as he breathed and paced. Celia realized that he was panicking, his breathing getting erratic. For someone who had been prone to asthma attacks as a kid, this was not good.

  He peered at her, looking at her dress closer. "You look hideous! Why would they put you in peach?" He asked, and Celia blinked at him. "Who am I kidding, peach is your color and you really do look beautiful."

  "O-kay," Celia said, placing an arm around Ben and easing him back in the chair. "Let's just have a moment. Sit down, there you go." She didn't know what it was about Ben that made her want to take care of him. Maybe it was his awkward, lanky height or his occasional lack of presence. Maybe because he actually let her take care of him.

  Ben buried his face in his hands, breathing a little more evenly. “I read something on the Internet,” he said suddenly, turning his head towards her, making his hair ruffle and tangle to one side. “Wanna hear?”

  The way he said that sounded like he genuinely wanted her to listen, at the same time, he wasn’t seeking her approval to go on. Ben was forever finding out new things online, and one thing he liked to do was to tell Celia about it.

  “There was apparently this guy, William James, who developed the theory of the multiverse in the ‘80s,” he said after Celia nodded her assent. He finally lifted his head. “We are living in this universe, right? Continuing on a single timeline, moving forward without us really being able to do
anything about it. The theory of the multiverse is that there is more than one timeline. Time flows the same way, but the world in these other timelines vary. Imagine, there’s a multiverse out there where I actually went to college in London and never came back. We are the same across these timelines, but our roles are different. Our decisions in this time affect the outcome of the others.”

  “But if they’re just other versions,” Celia asked, relieved to hear he was slowly talking himself out of his own attack, “does that make this timeline the original timeline?”

  “Not necessarily,” Ben pointed out. “It’s like a hall of mirrors. They all just reflect and bounce off each other. What if our dreams and memories weren’t dreams at all, but the multiverses crossing into each other?” Ben asked nobody in particular. “When we dream, we get visions of our lives as they would have been in other multiverses, and vice versa.”

  Celia actually had chills. Was he having those dreams too?

  “Ever since Vivian and I…nevermind. I just keep wondering about what we’re like on those parallel universes. I’m sure somewhere out there, you and I are getting married in a Church just like this, only without the typhoon.”

  Ben was okay now. He looked like he’d just told her something about the weather. Celia was staring at him incredulously. She had tried her hardest not to get mad at him.

  “And you…believe this multiverse stuff?” She asked him slowly.

  Celia wanted to curse under her breath as he gave her a completely sincere, trusting look, like he was a little boy that was about to tell her one of his deepest, darkest secrets. That was what made Ben so great. He had very little pretenses, and he was just so...genuine. If he believed something, he believed it to his very core. Why did he have to look at Celia like that?

  “I have to,” he said, as a matter of fact. Celia felt her chest tighten, tears threatening to spill from her eyes. Why did he have to talk like that? Crush her and raise her hopes at the same time? Then, just like that, the intensity from him was gone. He leaned back against his chair and shrugged. “Sorry. I was just....thinking out loud.”

  Celia blinked. She hardly noticed that Ben had gone silent, almost pensive. She wasn’t sure if he was still thinking about multiverses.

  “Why did we never talk about it again?” He suddenly asked, and the question caught Celia off guard. Like a little boy, Ben chose to focus on other things and pretend nothing ever happened. Ben never brought up the topic of the bizarre love triangle between himself, Celia, and Vivian. He had just chosen not to deal with it. But here, now? How did that get into his head?

  “Talk about what?” Celia asked, picking at the petals of her bouquet. They were Holland Roses that Celia and Vivian had chosen in Dangwa, as recommended by a friend. They were only a night old, and they were already slowly wilting. Celia had initially thought of getting more colorful blooms, but Vivian had insisted that roses were more elegant. Just like her.

  Ben didn’t say anything, but he knew perfectly well that Celia understood exactly what he was talking about.

  “What do you want me to say? Because it still hurts?” She said, still not looking up at him. “I refuse to still be hurt over things you didn't do, Ben.” He still didn’t say anything, but he gave her a look that told her that he knew she was lying. Who was she kidding? They had been friends for years now. Celia’s feelings were so transparent that Ben was too terrified of hurting her. But he knew. He knew she was still hurting. No matter how much she wanted not to. Did he know she was having dreams about him? “Where is the guy in charge here?”

  “I might have bribed him to leave me alone for a few minutes," Ben said, although he was not apologetic at all. "I still remember that day,” he said suddenly, his eyes focused elsewhere, like his mind wasn’t in the room at all. “Senior’s Night. Last chance. I keep wondering what would have happened if I had gone to you that day and--”

  “Let’s not talk about this anymore, okay?” Celia interrupted, leaving the CD on the controls. The guy would get the hint. “I’m fine. In this universe, I have to be fine. I’m happy for the two of you.” She stood up and walked towards the exit. “Congratulations.”

  “Cely—,” his voice still sounded distracted as she detached from him.

  “No,” she said, shaking her head. “You don’t get to call me that anymore. You didn’t show up, you didn’t even tell me that you weren’t coming! I shouldn’t even be here!” She cried, the outburst surprising even her. God, was she that emotionally constipated? “I deserved better friendship from you, Ben. Whatever you’re doing, whatever you’re trying to say about these parallel universes, just stop. I don’t want to dream anymore.”

  He said nothing, his face trained on something far away. It was like he was still trapped in a different multiverse. Celia sighed and left the sound booth, running to the smelly old bathroom at the back of the church. Tears were spilling from her eyes, running ugly mascara lines down her cheeks. Vivian was never going to forgive her for taking off her makeup, but that was much better than having to remember this awful moment.

  The skies opened up and rain fell in sharp, angry torrents. Church bells rang as Vivian's bridal car pulled up to the front of the church. Celia watched from a distance as thunder and lightning danced in the sky, her tears falling like the rain. The doors opened and Vivian turned to Celia, as if asking her why she wasn't waiting for her at the front of the altar. Celia closed her eyes in an effort to will away the memory.

  In the sound booth, Ben watched Celia disappear behind the door. He considered the things she said, the thoughts he had. Of course he had known what she was going to say that day. He never came because he couldn't stand hurting her, he couldn’t face having their relationship change. Ben never thought much of his college experience—he was supposed to have gone to London to study university and stay there, except that his visa hadn’t been processed in time.

  But what if he had? What if he had packed up everything, said goodbye and made a new life there?

  "Maybe in another universe," he said softly. "I loved you too.”

  CHAPTER FIVE

  LONDON

  IT WAS cold, rainy, and wet. That was what people usually said about London, wasn't it? Never mind the glorious detail and distinct style in each building you walked past. Never mind that the metropolis' sprawling parks and greens were breaths of fresh air in between the thin, stacked structures around it. Never mind the city’s rich and colorful history, spanning wars and monarchs and how it always seemed to grow, evolve and change. London was always cold, rainy, and wet.

  Ben had moved here right before his high school graduation ceremonies. Studying university in a foreign country had been a wonderful, terrifying experience, Ben felt like an infant compared to the other freshmen in his class. But somehow he grew up, learning to say ‘mate’ and ‘bollocks’ without giggling like a five-year old. He learned how to play proper football and how to drink in pubs. He felt like he was trapped in between two places—he was too Filipino to be English, and too English to be Filipino. But he made it work, somehow. Eventually he found his stride, his confidence. He wondered if he would have that if he didn’t leave home.

  For Ben, London was a huge change from Manila. He had traded traffic, monsoon rains, and blinding sunlight for cold, rainy, and wet. Five years after living in the UK, Ben realized that while London was wonderful, Manila would always be home. He would have given anything to hop on a plane and sit through the hottest of summers if it meant being home. But all he had now was the cold, the rain, the wet. Not even the gloss of the metropolis could cover that up.

  Today was no exception. It was the beginning of February, that odd time of year when the weather couldn't quite make up its mind on whether it was still winter or spring. The cold wind and occasional downpour, however, did not deter Ben from leaving his flat in Belgravia. As far as he was concerned, it was a lovely night for a walk.

  "I'll see you in Hyde Park for that thing then, mate?" He asked his
buddy on his mobile, briskly walking down the posh Knightsbridge street. "Right, cheers."

  Ben tucked his hands into the pockets of his coat, shrugging into his scarf to ward off the cold. It was the perfect night to attend a completely bonkers, off-kilter music festival that featured “supremely cool” bands.

  He was just about to take the crossing to Hyde Park when someone rushed past him, hitting his arm with the contraption the person was lugging about. "Hoy, watch it!" Ben yelled to the offender, rubbing against his arm. He didn’t even realize he’d spoken Tagalog just then.

  "Oh god, I'm such a clod," the hitter said, swinging her electric guitar over her shoulder. She almost hit Ben in the face again as she turned over to him. Wow, Ben thought to himself. She was pretty…not…unattractive at all. He was never one for description. If you asked him, he would say he was nearly hit in the face by a pretty girl with cropped, black hair and brown eyes. But there was something about her that he found welcoming. Soft, familiar and sweet. Like warm chocolate pudding when it was raining cats and dogs outside. She blinked. “Are you alright? I was just in a massive hurry, I didn't notice..."

  "Yeah, no I'm fine. Brilliant, actually," Ben said, immediately forgetting how this girl nearly decapitated him with her instrument. He wasn't going to let anyone bother with his mood. "Are you, by any chance heading to that concert in Hyde Park?"

  "No, I just really like bringing a gigantic Strat around," she joked, patting her guitar before realizing sarcasm wasn't exactly best when dealing with a stranger. "Right. Yes. Sorry. I'm Celia Alix. I’m actually in a band to perform tonight, the Summers? I’m a massive clod, I have very bad timing with my sarcasm and I hope you’re okay.”

  He was. He seemed physically fine, all muscles and pale skin and small brown eyes. Celia tried not to think about how cute she thought he was.