Half to Death

by Robin Alexander

  I started to fuss about the use of the nickname but decided that it was correct. Jade was perfection personified, at least in my eyes. “Have you forgotten? I can’t jump anyone.”

  Miranda shook her head. “I haven’t forgotten, but I wonder if sometimes you have. There’s a mutual attraction there, Sloan. Right now, she might like you a little bit. If you continue to spend time with her, she may decide that she likes you a lot. Then what will you do?”

  I had no answer. “I don’t know. I’m just living one day to the next without a plan,” I said testily.

  Miranda softened her tone. “I worry for you both. I don’t know her well at all, but I don’t want to see either of you hurt.”

  “Me either.”

  “So let’s analyze this.” Miranda came behind the counter and took a seat on the stool next to me.

  “I don’t want to be analyzed.”

  Miranda sat quietly until I looked at her. “I know you don’t, but I think you need to. Unfortunately, you can’t live day to day anymore. You have to think ahead. So be honest and tell me how you feel about her.”

  I chewed the bottom of my lip as I swung my feet back and forth. “I don’t lust after her. I don’t spend my time trying to think of ways to seduce her. I just enjoy her company. She’s really an extraordinary person. The more I learn about her, the more I want to know.”

  “Shit,” Miranda said softly.

  “What?”

  “Let me ask you something.” Miranda cocked her head to the side. “When you first met Paige, did you feel the same about her?” She held her hand up to forestall my answer. “Think about this for a minute.”

  Lonna’s girlfriend was the newest addition to the group. When we first met, I was naturally curious about her, but with Jade…it felt completely different. “Shit. I’m just drawn to her I can’t explain why.”

  Miranda shook her head sadly. “You’ve never been in love. You don’t know how it feels to stand on the precipice right before the fall. That’s where you’re at.”

  “It’s too soon, don’t you think?” I asked, holding out hope and knowing what she said was true.

  “There’s no timetable.” Miranda looked down at her shoes. “You need more time with your gift before you go any further with her. You need to back away.”

  “Gift! This isn’t a gift. It’s a penance! A blight.” I hopped off the stool, and it clattered to the floor. “A gift is something you can use, something that’s good to receive.” I rounded the counter and kicked at the wall. Miranda let me huff and puff until I regained control.

  “This is going to sound trite,” she said forcefully. “But if you keep looking at it that way, that’s all it’s going to be. Quit running from something that is obviously a part of you and grab it by the balls. Learn to use it. Master it, make it work for you instead of against you.”

  “Okay, balls? Ew.”

  Miranda grinned and pointed at me. “Don’t try to make me laugh. You know I’m right. If Mom were here, she would’ve already jerked some sense into you.”

  She was right. Momma Donahue would’ve popped me upside the head. “Give me time to adjust.”

  “No. You’ll just talk yourself into circles like you’ve been doing the past two months. You’re gonna get back into normal routines. You’re gonna stop avoiding our friends. Tonight, Marty’s boiling shrimp, and everybody’s coming. You’re coming, too.”

  I shook my head. “What if one of them touches me?”

  “You didn’t ask yourself that when you went out with Jade, and you won’t use that as an excuse with me. The probability that you will be touched is high. I’ll be right there with you. Try, Sloan, try hard to control it.”

  “Control it, right.”

  *******

  Miranda hung around the store until I closed. I was certain she did it to make sure I wouldn’t back out. When we walked in, I could see Marty on the patio dropping the seasoning into the boiler. Her blond hair was in a ponytail, but the loose pieces were already curling from the steam rising out of the pot. Miranda and I were like stomping bulls, Marty was all poise and grace. She looked up when she heard us banging around in the kitchen while mixing drinks and waved.

  “I told her not to hug you,” Miranda said softly. “Actually, I told them all not to hug you. They think you’re an emotional basket case right now, and the least bit of affection will make you cry, and we all know how you hate to do that.”

  “Well, thanks.” I rolled my eyes.

  “You had a better idea?” Miranda put her hands on her hips and looked at me.

  “No, fresh out.”

  “Well, hey stranger.” Deb walked into the kitchen. Neither Miranda nor I heard her and Angel come in. Deb looked at me with a wide smile. “You’ve lost weight. You look good.”

  I’d just started my diet and exercise program, and I knew for a fact that I’d gained two pounds since the last time I’d seen her, but I took the compliment anyway. Unlike me, Deb had lost weight. Her wedge hairstyle ran along her jawline accentuating how sharp it had actually become. She’d lightened her brown hair a shade, which made the shadows beneath her eyes look darker. I looked around to see if anyone else was affected by the change in Deb’s appearance, but no one seemed to be as taken aback as I was. Then again, they’d seen her more often than I had and perhaps for them the change had been gradual.

  Angel’s blond braided ponytail flopped over her shoulder as she grabbed a beer from the fridge and offered one to Deb who waved her off and grabbed a bottle of water instead. Angel’s blue eyes twinkled as she took a swig of her beer and asked, “How are the workouts going?”

  “A nightmare from which there is no escape.” Miranda tapped her glass with mine.

  Angel and Deb laughed. “Miranda told us that a trainer from hell has written up a program for you to follow,” Deb said. “She sounds like Attila the Hun in spandex.”

  “There are days when I would agree,” I said with a laugh.

  Marty walked into the kitchen and looped an arm around Miranda’s shoulders. “As soon as Lonna and Paige get here, I’ll put the shrimp on to boil. They’re both coming straight from work, so it shouldn’t be long.” Marty turned her attention to me. “What’ve you been doing with yourself lately?”

  “Working and working out, that’s just about it.” I pulled a necklace from my pocket. “This is for you to replace the one you lost on vacation.” A small brightly colored shell was fastened in the middle, and I’d braided the brown leather strap on either side.

  “Oh, it’s beautiful.” Marty’s eyes twinkled as she took it from my hand. I was thankful that we didn’t come in contact because whatever I saw, Miranda would demand to know.

  “I’ll put it on.” Miranda took it from Marty and fastened it around her neck.

  “The length is perfect.” Marty pressed her fingers to it and smiled. “Thank you, Sloan.”

  “You’re very welcome. I’m glad you like it.”

  “We’re here. Please don’t say you started without us,” Lonna yelled as she came through the front door. Seconds later, she and Paige came bounding into the kitchen. Lonna laid a hand on her sidearm. “I’ll shoot anyone that took the first potato. I’m sworn to protect, but I draw the line at the spuds.”

  Marty held her hands up. “Chill, Barney Fife, I haven’t even put the shrimp on to boil, but now that you’re here, I’ll get it started.”

  “Hey, Sloan, good to see ya,” Lonna said with a wave.

  Paige, the quiet one of the two, waved, as well. “Hey, Sloan.”

  “Good to see y’all, too.” I waved and felt stupid. They had the kid gloves on and were all gathered on one side of the bar, obviously keeping their distance like I was a leper.

  “Let’s go out to the patio,” Miranda said. “It’s cool tonight.”

  Everyone grabbed her drinks and headed for the back door. I thought I was bringing up the rear, but someone put a hand on my shoulder. I was in a jewelry store looking at a ring, exciteme
nt coursed through me. My heart swelled with love for Paige, and I couldn’t wait to slip that ring on her finger and ask her to be mine until death do us part.

  The connection broke. I had staggered in my haze and landed against the doorjamb.

  “You okay?” Lonna put a hand to my arm, and I was off again. I was taking the ring out of a hiding place. It sparkled when I opened the box, and I felt a thrill pass through me. The credit limit on my card was blown, but it was worth every penny of interest that I’d pay.

  I blinked, and Lonna, who was a head taller than me, was sporting an amused grin. “You’re still clumsy, aren’t you?”

  I laughed, high off her joy. “Yes, I’m afraid that will never change.” I stopped short of saying congratulations. When I walked onto the patio, I took a close look at Paige’s hand. The ring wasn’t there, the proposal hadn’t been made.

  “So what’s everybody doing this weekend?” Deb asked. “I was thinking it would be fun to go to the beach and have a cookout.”

  “Miranda’s off, aren’t you, baby?” Marty asked.

  Miranda nodded and looked at me. “Think you can get Kaylie to work this Saturday, too?”

  “I don’t know. I’ll have to ask,” I said as I took a seat. Sparky ran up to me and said hello; apparently, my assistance in the vet trip was forgotten.

  “We won’t be here.” Lonna came to stand behind Paige’s chair.

  “We won’t?” Paige looked surprised as she looked up at Lonna.

  “No, love, we’re going to Provincetown.” Lonna laughed when Paige jumped into her arms. “It’s a surprise,” Lonna said with love in her eyes as she stroked Paige’s blond hair. “I know you’ve always wanted to go. It’ll only be for four days, though.”

  I wanted to feel sorry for myself while I sat there watching them wrapped in each other’s arms. They looked at one another as though they’d forgotten we were gathered around them. I wanted to know what it was like to be totally captivated and adored.

  “How cool,” Angel said with a smile. “Take tons of pictures.”

  Paige turned around in Lonna’s embrace. Her face was radiant, totally unaware that she would return from Provincetown a married woman.

  I ate shrimp until I felt I would burst. When I finally quit, I leaned back in my chair, feeling bloated and tired. Everyone else appeared to feel the same. We all looked at one another and started laughing.

  “Why do we do this to ourselves?” Lonna asked with a groan. She shot Paige a sideways glance. “And why didn’t someone stop me when I got to the fourth potato?”

  “I guess we failed on the moderation portion of our diet.” Miranda tossed her napkin onto the table. “Jade’s gonna take one look at us tomorrow night and know that we gorged ourselves. She’s not even our trainer, and she can make me feel like a worm if I’m not giving a hundred percent.”

  “Oh, yes, the dominatrix.” Lonna grinned. “We’ve heard all about her. One of the guys in the department trains with her, and he says she’s a royal bitch.”

  The compulsion to defend Jade rose up within me, but before I could utter a word, Miranda jumped in. “Not really,” she said as she draped an arm over the back of Marty’s chair. “She’s no-nonsense, and she makes you give the workout your all. She does exactly what a trainer is supposed to do, and that’s precisely why Sloan and I don’t train with her.”

  “Bullshit,” Lonna said with a grin. “Her client list is booked. The minute she walked onto the floor of that gym, her ticket was filled. She’s hot, and everybody wants their time with her. It doesn’t have anything to do with her skill.”

  Lonna reaffirmed everything Jade had said that day at the vet’s office. She was smart to capitalize on her looks, but it had to be disheartening that people considered her a bitch for doing what she was being paid to do. I shook my head in disgust. “It just harkens back to what women have been saying for years. If you’re strong and competent, you’re a bitch, but if you’re a man, you’re just tough.”

  “That’s why I don’t mind being called a bitch,” Deb said. “Of course, if they make the mistake of saying it to my face, I show them what a bitch I can really be.”

  Lonna shook her head. “It pisses me off regardless of the connotation. I don’t see it as a compliment in any form. I don’t even like it when someone is just playing. I feel like they’re saying, ‘You’re tough and strong, but you’re really just a grumpy woman.’ But I work with mostly men, so I’m more sensitive to it, I guess.”

  I wanted no part of that particular thread of conversation; it made my blood boil. And I was tired of the smell of shrimp on my hands. I stood and rolled up the newspaper with the shrimp shells and took it to the trash. I found a lemon in the kitchen and began scrubbing my hands with it to get the smell out of my skin. Deb walked in, and I gave her a slight smile as she did the same.

  “You doin’ all right, Sloan?” she asked as she came to stand beside me at the sink.

  “I’m fine—” Deb’s leg rested against mine as we scrubbed, and she took the lemon from my hand.

  I was standing in front of a full-length mirror looking at Deb’s refection. She turned sideways and ran her hand over a flat stomach. I felt her pleasure at feeling and seeing her new body. Someone at work described her as “skinny,” and she was thrilled. I wanted to close my eyes as she began pulling off her top to try on another, but I couldn’t. Deb was still looking at herself in the mirror. Her ribs were showing, and even her sternum stood out starkly.

  Just a few more pounds went through her mind and mine. We heard movement from somewhere in the house, and she quickly pulled on another top. Angel had been furious with her when she found all the laxatives. Puking wasn’t her favorite thing to do, but she’d gotten pretty good at it. She could do it quietly now as long as she kept the bathroom door locked. Just a few more pounds.

  I was shaking when Deb moved to dry her hands. I glanced over at her and noticed for the first time the clothes she was wearing. She’d been heavy as long as I’d known her. She always wore things that were loose to hide her weight. She was still doing the same thing, but this time, she was hiding her lack of weight.

  “You stuffed?” Miranda asked as she walked into the kitchen.

  “Yeah,” I said shakily. “And I’m tired. I think I’m gonna call it a night.”

  “I’ll come by in the morning. I don’t have to work again until Wednesday.” Miranda picked up a slice of lemon and began rubbing her hands with it. “You okay?”

  Deb turned and looked at me. I smiled at her, then looked back at Miranda. “Fine.”

  Miranda walked me to the back door where I did my stupid wave thing and said good night to everyone. Then she followed me out to the car. “You have a really strange look on your face.” She leaned down, looking at me through my window.

  “I saw things tonight.” I looked up into her blue eyes and debated on what I should admit.

  “You’re torn about what you should tell me.”

  I nodded.

  “Well, you’re gonna have to weigh it like this—will it benefit anyone I know what you know? Because I understand about not wanting to invade anyone’s privacy. I expect you to respect mine, so I guess I should respect that of others.”

  “Let me sleep on it.”

  “All right.” Miranda stepped back, and I pulled out of her driveway.

  I really didn’t think I was going to sleep at all. Loud music and counting on the drive home failed me. The thoughts came, and I had no choice but to dwell on them.

  Chapter 8

  “She’s happy.”

  “But she’s killing herself, Sloan.” Miranda tapped her fingers on the counter. “Angel told me not to compliment Deb on her weight loss anymore. I tried to ask her why, but Deb walked in and she bottled up.”

  “This has really bolstered her self-confidence. How are we gonna confront this without alienating or crushing her?”

  Miranda folded her arms. “Deb is so freaking bullheaded. She isn’t goin
g to take lightly anything we have to say. Angel is obviously aware of the problem because of what she said, but I doubt she knows how to handle it.”

  “That makes three of us.”

  “She was really bony?” Miranda asked.

  “Yeah. From what was going through her head, Angel had found the laxatives she’s been taking. She’s gonna make herself throw up from now on.”

  “Jeez, I wanna lose weight, but I’d never go to that extreme.” Miranda pointed at me. “I bet this started when that guy at work called her a lard ass. She was really bunged up about that. If that’s the case, she’s been doing this for a while.”

  “Should we talk to Angel? Maybe tell her that we’ve noticed Deb has really gotten too skinny.”

  Miranda came around the counter and sat down. “She looked so good when we went on vacation. I bet we made it worse when we went on about how much she’d lost.” Miranda rubbed the bridge of her nose for a moment. “Yeah, we should probably talk to Angel.”

  I’d suggested it, but I didn’t like the idea. If Angel went into protective mode, we’d have an even bigger battle ahead. “What if we just went to Deb? We’ve been friends a long time, maybe she’d hear us out.”

  *******

  In hindsight, we should’ve stuck to plan A. Miranda and I tried the gentle approach and told Deb that we thought she looked wonderful but maybe she was taking it too far. First, she glibly denied that she was underweight, but Miranda pushed and wanted to know how she was continuing to lose.

  “I diet. I watch everything I eat. I count the calories before anything goes into my mouth.” Deb looked at us, and I could tell she was getting pissed.

  “How much do you weigh now?” Miranda said. “If you don’t mind my asking.”

  Deb’s lips turned up in what she obviously hoped was a smile but looked more like a sneer. “I do mind, that’s a rude question.”

  “We’re friends, Deb. Sloan and I are on diets, too. I’d have no problems telling you how much I weighed if I lost a few pounds.”

  “If we were having a casual conversation, I suppose I wouldn’t mind. But you two come to my house uninvited and start asking specific questions about my diet and weight. I find that strange.”