The Firsts Series Box Set

by M. J. Fields

  She’s dying.

  She looks at me, then Logan. “It didn’t work, but I like to think it kept me around until Faith was born.”

  “Going toe to toe with the demon,” I whisper.

  “The demon has won, Ava. I have accepted it. I won’t win, but it doesn’t mean I won’t dance with it on occasion.”

  “Such a flirt,” Robert winks.

  The way they look at one another, the love in their eyes for each other… was it always there? Was I so blinded by my own emotional ‘damage’ that I didn’t see it wasn’t about me, or Logan, or Dad… that they were truly happy and in love?

  The answer is yes, without a doubt, yes.

  After Mom is settled in her huge bed full of pillows that Robert has arranged and fluffed, I watch as he opens sterile packages and see him tinker with an IV line.

  “Before you had Faith, another trial opened up. I knew it would keep me away, but the possibility that I could meet her, hold her, overtook logic.”

  She looks at Robert, and he whispers, “Deep breath,” as he pushes the needle into her IV line, the catheter.

  She smiles softly, yet tears fill her eyes.

  She’s in pain.

  I’m in pain.

  She’s dying.

  “Strongest woman I know.” Robert leans down and kisses the top of Mom’s head, then straightens. “I’ll give the four of you some time alone.”

  “You don’t have to.” He looks at me and nods. “We’re family.”

  He swallows hard and looks at Mom, who closes her eyes as a tear falls.

  “I’ll be back in a little bit.” When Robert walks past me, he stops and hugs me. “Thank you.”

  Once he leaves the room, Mom pats the bed. “Come sit. All of you, come sit.”

  I sit carefully, and she sighs, “Ava, it’s fine, you could jump up and down and I would be fine.”

  “This bed is ginormous.” I force a smile as I try to change the conversation.

  “Two kings, together. Lots of room to rest and relax.” She looks at Logan, London, and Luke, “Come sit.”

  She asks about Hope and Chance, and about Faith.

  I tell her Faith is at the apartment with Dad and she closes her eyes.

  “Are you healthy enough to hold her?”

  “I’m here now. She’s here too. I’d love to hold my granddaughter.”

  Robert walks in and hears her statement. “How about tomorrow, Ashley, you need your pain meds.”

  “I’m fine.” She rolls her beautiful eyes.

  “I’m going to politely call bull.”

  “I’m spending time with my kids,” she tells him firmly.

  “Logan and London have seen you high, Ashley, I think it’s only fair Ava and Luke experience it, too.”

  Faith

  Logan

  We spent the entire day with Mom. The last hour of our time there, we watched her sleep, Ava on one side, me on the other.

  Mom does look good, but I know it’s going to get worse, and as she reminded me today, before pain meds, my mother is a woman who likes to look good. She never went to the store without her hair done, and she’ll meet St. Peter with a full face of makeup, and a wig covering her head like it was today.

  Walking into the apartment with London, Ava, and Luke, I’m focused on Ava, who seems to be disillusioned by seeing Mom on what was surprisingly a good day.

  When she hears Faith crying, her smile falls. “Is she okay?”

  Dad is shirtless, swaying back and forth with her against his chest. “She’s good. Just ate. Probably gas.”

  “Lemme have her.” Ava stretches out her hands as she kicks at her boot.

  When it doesn’t come off, she hops on one foot, still trying to kick it off.

  Luke reaches out and grabs her hand. “Hold up, Mommy.” He bends and unlaces it and then pulls it off. “Gimme the other.”

  Dad walks over as Luke works at her boot and hands Faith to Ava.

  “Oh, sweet girl, Mommy’s right here.”

  “She was fine until she ate, I’m pretty sure it’s gas. She did the same thing with the last two feedings.”

  Ava nods. “Okay, you’re okay.”

  She kisses Faith’s little cheek as Luke stands, boots in hand, and walks them over to the door.

  “This isn’t like you, Faith.”

  “You think maybe your being stressed is.” Luke stops when Ava looks at him like he’s just told her Santa Claus isn’t real. “Just a thought Ava.”

  “Well, I’m fine now. She looked good, right?” Ava smiles at Faith. “I think you’re going to meet Grandma Ashley tomorrow, yes, I do.”

  She looks good, right? She asked the same question on the elevator leaving the penthouse, in the street waiting for the Uber, and again on the way up.

  “What?” she asks me sternly.

  I take in a deep breath and then tell her straight, “She has good days and bad days, Ava. She looked okay today, but not good.”

  “Well, I hope you don’t tell her—”

  “I know our mother. I tell her she’s beautiful every time I see her.” I look at Dad as he swallows hard and nods.

  “Well, maybe she’ll do another trial thing, and then she’ll live another seven years, and then who knows, maybe they’ll find a cure. Don’t be so negative, Logan,” she huffs. “Jesus L.”

  She looks at Luke and asks again, “She looked good, right?”

  I can’t stay in the same room with her or I’m going to blow.

  “I’m going to get some sleep.” I look at London. “You good?”

  She nods as she studies my face.

  “I made dinner,” Tessa announces.

  “Chicken shit,” Dad smiles. “You should eat first.”

  “Not really hungry, but thanks, Tessa.”

  I walk past them and toward the hallway. I have no idea where I’m going, but wherever it is, I need to get there, I’m exhausted.

  “Second door on the right.”

  I look behind me and nod, “Thanks, Tessa.”

  “If you need anything, Logan, let us know.”

  “Will do,” I say and walk away.

  When I start to close the door, I almost do so in London’s face. She looks shocked when she jumps back.

  “Fuck, I thought you were gonna eat.” I step back giving her room. “I’m sorry.”

  “I’ll eat when you do.” She walks in and closes the door behind her.

  “No, seriously, go eat.” I hold up my fucking hand. “Just sore.”

  “You haven’t taken any pain meds.” She walks over and grabs our duffle. I don’t even know what the hell’s in there, she packed it all.

  I’ve been fucking up a lot lately. This isn’t how I pictured me as a husband.

  London’s got a bottle of pills in her hand and a sad look on her face. We stare at each other for a few minutes, and then she looks down as she twists the bottle open.

  “London,” I sigh.

  “I’m okay, Logan, I just want to make sure you are.” She peeks up, then looks back down.

  “I’m good.”

  Looking at the pill in her hand, she sighs, “I know you want to be, but you’re not. You’re actually kind of a mess and—”

  I interrupt her, “Am not.”

  She walks into what I assume is the bathroom, I haven’t ventured in far enough yet and comes out with a cup of water. “Take these. Let them kick in, then come eat, Logan.”

  I toss back the pills and swallow down the water. “If you’re hungry, go ahead. I’m not.”

  “You’re family’s out there, Logan. And I know you don’t think so, but you need them as much as they need you.” I start to turn my back. “Please don’t do that.”

  “What do you want from me?” As soon as the words, although not said harshly, leave my lips, I wish I could take them back.

  She lifts her shoulders and holds out her hands palms up. “I want you.”

  “I want you, too, but, London, this,” I do turn now,
and as soon as I do, her arms are around me, and she’s hugging me. “I love you. I love them. But...”

  “Talk to me, Logan, tell me anything and everything. I’m here, and I am on your side. You need an ear, mine are available. You need this,” she squeezes me tighter, “It’s always here. You need to cry, Logan, do it in my arms, but don’t hold back. That’s not us.”

  I run my hand up and down my face.

  “Logan, it’s a condition.”

  “And if I can’t, are you going to leave me?”

  I feel her head press against my back. “Never. Because I know you can, Logan. You have. It may be harder in this situation, take longer, but we’ll be stronger for it.”

  Stronger for it…

  “I played defense most of my football career.” She loosens her grip and moves around in front of me, I look down at her “Mom doesn’t look good, London. She looks like our Mom, dying. And my sister, Christ, there isn’t going to be a fucking thing I can do to block the blow she’s got coming. And she’s had enough fucking blows. And so have you. So, me talking about this shit isn’t easy, and it isn’t who I want to be as your husband.”

  “Just so you know, I love you so much more every day, Logan, because you don’t hide from me.”

  “Can’t do that with her, she’ll flip the fuck out.”

  “Logan, she has Luke.”

  I nod.

  “And you have me.”

  I feel the words, I see the emotion, and it implants on my own. I wrap my arm around her, lift her, kiss her and whisper, “I fucking love you, London, don’t let me fuck this up.”

  Love

  Ava

  Sitting on the couch, feeding Faith, Luke sits beside me with a plate in his hand.

  “Hungry?”

  I shake my head as I stare at our baby. “She has her eyes.”

  “Yeah,” he says as he holds out a spoon full of Tessa’s chicken shit. “And she needs her mom to eat so she has enough nutrients to feed her. Open, Ava.”

  I take a bite of one of my favorite dishes, yet it doesn’t even seem to have a taste.

  Dad watches me, narrows his eyes and asks, “Good?”

  I nod, chew and swallow.

  His eyes don’t leave mine, he knows I’m lying. “Are you doing okay?”

  “She looks good,” I say, and open my mouth for another bite because I’d rather eat than talk. I talked all day.

  I talked about the kids and showed her all the pictures of them. I told her all the silly things they do and showed her the twins’ first birthday-slash-last minute-wedding pictures, and she laughed. I’m pretty sure she was high, but it was like it was… before.

  Before the demon invaded her brain.

  Luke feeds me as he looks at me with deep concern. I look away unable to take it, but my father is looking at me the same way.

  “She looks—”

  “Ava, enough, okay?” I give Logan my attention. “She doesn’t look good. She looks like hell.”

  I shake my head.

  “Yes, she does.”

  “Well, then you tell her that, Logan,” I snap. “You tell our mother she looks like hell!” I feel Faith as she stops nursing and look down as her lips push out into a pout. “I’m so sorry, Faith, I am.”

  I try to get her to latch on as Logan stands over me. “Let me have her.”

  “No, she’s fine.”

  “No, Ava, she’s not.” I let him take her, and he holds her and whispers something in her ear over and over. When she calms down, he hands her back to me. “Now she is.”

  “Can the two of you sit for a minute and let me say a few things?” Dad asks.

  I am sitting, but it takes Logan a moment to do so.

  Dad stands from the loveseat and walks to the coffee table sitting between the three pieces of furniture. He sits on the corner, facing both of us.

  “We’ve always been a team, and today is no different.”

  “Everything’s different, Dad,” Logan huffs as he crosses his arms and closes his eyes.

  “I know it may seem that way, and yes, the field has changed, but all of us, you and London,” he looks back at me, “You and Luke, me and your mother, are all wishing for the same results. We’re a fucking team, and have been through every bit of hell we’ve walked. We have Tessa, we have Robert, Jade and Ryan, and Luke’s siblings, Emma and Brody, Maddox, and Harper, CJ and Matthew, even the little ones are praying, though they don’t understand it, they are. Hell, I’m sure Faith is, but we just don’t know it. The point is, none of us want Ash to go, and none of us want to see this family up in arms because there isn’t a damn thing we can do to change it. So, the two of you need to cut the shit. You need to bury the hatchet, because you, Ava, know damn well Logan would never do something to hurt you, and Logan, you need to have a little more faith that your sister’s strong enough to deal with what’s to come.”

  He gives us both a stern, fatherly look. “It won’t be easy, neither of you will deal with it exactly the same, but I promise you, it will be impossible if we don’t stick by each other during times like this.”

  Logan looks at me, and I at him. “To me, she looks beautiful.”

  He shakes his head and shrugs, “She’s our mother, Ava, I get that.”

  “And she looks beautiful,” I whisper.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I see Luke look at Logan. They don’t say anything, but their eyes are locked.

  Still looking at Logan, Luke says, “Ava, I think it might be a good idea for you and Logan to go over early tomorrow, together. London and I can chill here with Faith.” He looks at London, and she nods her head in agreement.

  I glance at Logan who finally looks at me and nods.

  Once everyone’s in bed, Luke and I take over the couch. Luke feeds Faith out of a bottle. It’s what little breastmilk I could pump mixed with formula. I cried when he suggested that maybe we try formula to see if it was gas or my milk causing her to be so fussy.

  He assured me it would all be fine, that it was normal. He even showed me some articles about how stress hormones can be passed through breastmilk.

  “You need me tomorrow, you call.” He leans over and kisses the top of my head. Leaving his lips on me, he whispers, “But you two need this. Don’t let that bond break, ever. You hear me, blue eyes, you fight to keep it strong.”

  “She looked good to me, Luke,” I whisper.

  “I know, Ava.” He kisses my head again.

  “She looked good because it had been over a year since I’d seen her. She looked good because in my head she is,” I sniff, “She was already gone, and she just,” my body shakes as I hold on to tears I know I’ll need for another time, “She left me without saying goodbye, Luke, and when I saw her, she was still here, and I can’t lose anyone like that again.”

  “Ava,” he says, propping Faith on his shoulder as he wraps his arm around me. “Baby, I didn’t even think of it that way.”

  “I know that losing someone is hard anyway, that it happens, but I cannot imagine her leaving me without me knowing she didn’t leave me while she was still here. I never want to live with regrets like that, Luke.”

  “We never will.”

  “We’re never going to go to bed without an I love you. We’re not going to keep secrets that could destroy us.”

  “Babe, Logan was doing what he thought—”

  “I know that. I know he thinks he’s stronger than me, but hello, my hand’s not in a damn bird cage, is it?”

  “No, Ava, it isn’t.”

  “Well, I’m strong.”

  “No one knows that as much as I do.”

  He watches me, lovingly, protectively, and adoringly.

  I hope he sees that I feel the same way.

  He interrupts my thoughts, “What?”

  “I’m so glad I have you.”

  “That’s good because I’m not going anywhere.”

  “You better not ever leave me.”

  “Wouldn’t think of it.”


  He pushes off the couch, holding Faith, then nods to the room. “I have something for you, come with me.”

  I follow him, Luke Lane, my knight, my husband, into our room and watch as he bounces Faith as she sleeps on his shoulder until she burps.

  “There it is, tiny princess. Give me another.”

  When she does immediately, he smiles and looks over his shoulder at me. “She just needed you to be okay, Ava.”

  “So she could rest,” I whisper. When the parallel between mother and daughter and… mother and daughter hit, I look at him. “I’m not ready.”

  “Never gonna be ready, Ava,” He says holding our daughter in his hands. “Kiss her head, and say goodnight.”

  “Love you, Faith, so, so much.”

  Luke kisses her head and looks at me. “Just like Ashley loves you.”

  He lays her down and motions to the bed. “Climb up there and give me a second.”

  I sit down, pull off my socks, and hear water running in the en suite bathroom.

  When he walks out, he’s holding a book, not just any book, a journal.

  He sits next to me and sighs. “Saw this at the grocery store the night we left the hospital.”

  “Looks like a sunset.”

  He doesn’t confirm it, but I know he agrees. “We have the journals T, and you wrote together, the one I gave to you, and both are filled with things our kids should always remember.”

  “Truths and lies,” I say as I lean against him.

  “But at the core, Ava, it’s love. It’s messed up, unpredictable, but it’s truly what gets us through each and every hard time we’ll face. Not one of those truths or lies is less real than the one before.” He sighs. “So, there are two things for certain we’ll all face in life.”

  “Death and taxes.”

  He corrects me, “Love and loss, but love can carry you through loss. You just gotta accept that, like you and Logan, not everyone shares the same emotions or way of dealing with either, but, babe, they’re both inevitable.”

  “It’s awful.”

  “Ava,” he says and pushes my chin up, so I’m looking at him. “Every moment we give and receive love is worth all the pain we will ever face. I walked through years of hell, but knowing I have you and accepting finally that I have the love of family, I would do it for another hundred years, just to feel a minute of the love you have given me.”