Last Christmas: A The Girl Before Eve Christmas Novella

by Lisa J. Hobman

  Suddenly her words hit me like a blow to the solar plexus and I slumped onto the sofa. “Fuck. You think so?”

  “Adam Langton, wash your mouth out. You can’t talk like that with a baby on the way.”

  Thoroughly chastised once more, I couldn’t get my brain-to-mouth synapses firing and mumbled. “I… I have to go, Mum. I… I have to erm… I need… erm…”

  She giggled a gleeful sound. “I think you’re in shock. Go make yourself a cup of sweet tea, deary. Call me later with any news.”

  I hit the end call button and stared at the receiver as if it was about to burst forth with a fanfare. This was what I had been hoping was going on with Lil, but to hear my mother blurt it out like that had sent me into some kind of stunned, zombified stupor.

  Me a daddy? Fuck… erm, I mean flip. Me a flippin’ daddy? Sod the sweet tea—I need a whiskey.

  I marched into the kitchen and came to a halt in front of the kettle. After deciding that alcohol at two in the afternoon probably wasn’t the best way to deal with the prospect of becoming a parent, I settled for another cup of coffee and a sit down. A long sit down. As I flopped onto the couch, a million and one questions rattled around my brain. Was I ready to be a father? Was I grown-up enough? Was I earning enough? Was the house suitable for a small child? But then the overriding question hit me like a ton of bricks…

  Why was Lily keeping it from me?

  A sinking feeling took hold, knotting my insides and filling me with dread. I placed my mug on the coffee table, suddenly unable to stomach the contents. Resting my elbows on my knees, I lowered my head and closed my eyes. If this was in fact the reason Lily was acting so weird, why was she not telling me the news? And if she didn’t feel able to tell me, why was that? Was she unhappy about the prospect of carrying my child? Was she not ready to be a parent? Had she realised she didn’t love me anymore? Shit!

  This train of thought was doing me no good. But the more I wondered, the more I decided that something was wrong. The circumstances and clues added themselves up, and by the time Lily walked through the door at six that evening, I understood she was about to leave me.

  Chapter 5

  Baby, it’s Cold Outside—Dean Martin

  Lily

  My feet were killing me. And my arms come to think of it. I hadn’t really bought that much, but I think Ellie had been on a mission to clear the whole of Edinburgh of its festive stock, and so I ended up helping her carry her many purchases. It had begun to snow as we walked around, and we ended up looking like a pair of snowmen but with pink noses in place of carrots.

  I had found a couple of little silly gifts for Adam and one or two for his parents, but I would need to make a return journey for something for my own mum and maybe something special for Adders too. Mum would be coming for Christmas lunch as she usually did now she was on her own, and I loved to see her face light up when she opened her gifts.

  When I was a kid, Christmas was a huge dual-nationality experience. Christmas Eve—or la Nochebuena—was all about Spain: we would eat a special family meal and I would get excited about the impending visit of Papa Noel. Christmas day was all about turkey, pigs in blankets, and Christmas pudding with rum sauce. Dad cooked Christmas day lunch wearing his novelty Santa suit apron. It was the one time in the year that he completely took over the kitchen and let Mum relax. We opened gifts in front of a roaring fire and I was spoiled rotten. I also received gifts on January 6th in true Spanish tradition celebrating los Reyes Magos delivering gifts to the children. These days Mum usually got Adam and me a small gift at the start of January but she also celebrated our British Christmas traditions.

  Edinburgh was awash with Christmas cheer, and as we walked around I wondered how many of the shop assistants were ready for ramming holly down their customers’ throats when it finally reached the big day. Those poor people must have the patience of saints to listen to Christmas songs on a never-ending loop without wanting to commit murder.

  Ellie had bought something in almost every shop we’d visited. She did come from a very large family and understandably wanted to buy a little something for every member. But I pitied her car’s suspension on her annual trip back to Yorkshire to spend the festivities with her relatives.

  The drive home had been plagued by fake conversations with varying possible outcomes, and by the time I parked the car outside our house, I was completely drained both emotionally and physically.

  Feeling completely exhausted and desperate for food, I burst in through the front door to find Adam sitting on the rug in front of the Christmas tree, cuddling Monty.

  “Hey, sweetie. Did you get all your work done?” I dropped my few bags to the floor and pulled the gloves from my hands and the coat from my arms.

  He didn’t look up. “Yeah. All done.”

  I stepped further into the lounge and threw my winter garments on the arm of the sofa. I frowned as I heard “Blue Christmas” by Willie Nelson playing in the dimly lit room.

  I tilted my head to one side. “Is everything okay, Adders?”

  He glanced up briefly and then back down to the dog again. “Yeah. Fine. Why wouldn’t it be?” he mumbled into the dog’s fur. Monty peered up at me and wagged his tail once as if to apologise for Adam’s less-than-enthusiastic response.

  “Erm… because you’re playing a Christmas song that you hate, you’re sitting in the dark, and you’re almost wearing the dog’s fur as a hat.”

  A long, deep sigh left his body and he moved slightly, knocking a pile of photos out from under his leg. Photos of the three of us.

  Adam, myself… and Eve.

  My stomach dropped and I suddenly realised the reason for his sombre mood.

  He was missing her.

  I decided not to let my sorrow show. Of course he missed her. He was married to her first after all. But the thought that the only reason he was with me was because she died was something that still preyed on my mind. Don’t get me wrong, I loved her too. She was my best friend. But I often wondered what would have happened if that idiot drunk driver had decided to get a cab home on that fateful day. I hated when those thoughts plagued me. It was totally crazy and very unhealthy.

  Pushing the negativity to the back of my mind, I flopped onto the sofa. “I thought I’d order Chinese for dinner. What do you think?” I hoped the forced cheeriness of my voice wasn’t as obvious as it felt.

  “Whatever. I’m off to get a shower.” He stood and quickly left the room without once making eye contact or kissing me hello. Not like him at all. I opened my mouth to speak but thought better of it. If he was feeling down, the last thing he needed was me nagging at him. For once I tried to be less selfish.

  I called the Chinese takeaway and ordered Adam’s favourite dishes. I hoped that whatever was wrong would be resolved by a yummy meal and a cuddle on the sofa. Although worry niggled at the back of my mind as to how my news might undo any efforts to improve his sullen mood.

  After his shower he came back down the stairs and sat beside me on the couch. He took my hand in his and tilted my chin so that I faced him. “Hey, I’m sorry about earlier. I’m just tired and grumpy. But I shouldn’t take it out on you.”

  I smiled and squeezed his hand. “It’s okay. I… I saw that you’d been looking through the old photos.”

  He frowned. “Oh, no. No I was looking for something in the drawer and they all fell out. I got in a stinky mood and couldn’t be arsed to put them away again.”

  Oh? “So you weren’t feeling sad about Eve?”

  His frown lines deepened. “Feeling sad about Eve? What do you mean?”

  The long sigh that left my body was filled with despondency. “Yes. Wishing she was still alive and… and that you were still with her.” Tears began to needle my eyes, and I felt foolish for allowing the thought to take flight through my mouth.

  He dropped my hand and huffed as he ran his hands through his hair. “Lily, what the hell has made you feel this way? How could you even think… I don’t get w
hy… Urgh, I need a drink.” He stood and stomped his way into the kitchen. I had clearly pissed him off. I heard him clinking around and a few moments later he returned empty-handed.

  I scrunched my face in confusion. “I thought you needed a drink.”

  “Changed my mind.” He returned to my side and slumped heavily onto the couch again. “Okay, out with it. Why are you suddenly feeling insecure?”

  “Insecure? Me? I’m not.” Judging by the incredulous stare I received, my protest was in vain.

  “Lily, have you forgotten how long I’ve known you? You’re fucking transparent. Stop with the truth evasion and just talk, will you?”

  Me being evasive? How about him being evasive? What the hell? Anger bubbled up and my sadness was replaced with the desire to fight it out. “Oh, I’m evading the truth, am I? Well, what do you call your behaviour when I arrived home? The whole I’m-nuzzling-the-dog-so-I-don’t-have-to-look-at-you thing? You should check yourself before having a go at me.”

  “‘Check yourself’? Fucking hell, Lily, are you twelve all of a sudden?” he mocked as he waved his hand around, clicking his fingers like some actor in a bad soap opera on the verge of telling me to talk to the hand. “You sound like one of my school lot.”

  “How dare you? You know I didn’t mean it like a twelve-year-old. You know what I meant.”

  He stood and stared angrily down at me. “Well, you sounded like one. And you’re behaving like one.” His voice rose exponentially with the red glow to his cheeks.

  How the hell had a simple question turned into an all-out row? I stood to face him. “How fucking dare you? You’re the one who’s getting angry for no reason!”

  He grimaced at me. “Oh, I have plenty of fucking reason, don’t you worry.”

  What’s that supposed to mean? The doorbell chimed and we both turned to look in that direction. Talk about being saved by the bell!

  He huffed again. “I’ll get it. Did you pay over the phone or do I need cash?”

  “I paid.”

  He stomped out into the hall and opened the door. He chatted briefly with the delivery guy about the cold weather and closed the door again, and a cold draft breezed through as he returned to the living room, bringing the delightful aroma of Szechuan chicken along for the ride.

  He nodded to the living room door that led to the kitchen. “Come on, let’s eat.”

  I was getting whiplash from his changing mood. One minute sulking, next minute apologising… one minute shouting and swearing, next minute suggesting we eat as if nothing was wrong.

  He smiled curtly and made his way past me. Knowing there was a possibility that within days something truly could be wrong, I shook my head, took a deep breath, and followed him.

  Chapter 6

  Merry Christmas (I don’t wanna fight tonight)—The Ramones

  Adam

  I placed the food down on the kitchen table and my stomach growled. My mouth watered at the tantalising aromas and I realised I was starving. It dawned on me that all I had consumed during the day had been coffee. Not good. No wonder I was snapping at the least little thing.

  I grabbed some plates from the cupboard and cutlery from the drawer and hurried about setting the table for us. I could feel Lil’s eyes on me and I turned to face her directly. She looked pale and drawn. Like the weight of the world was on her shoulders. How could I shout at a bloody pregnant woman, for fuck’s sake? Even one who was apparently not that happy about her situation? I hated myself for reacting so angrily. If she was unsure, then it was my job to reassure her, not bloody shout at her and make her feel worse.

  She leaned on the door frame and twisted her fingers in front of her and I felt like a prize dickhead. I walked over and tentatively placed my hands on her shoulders, giving them a gentle squeeze. “Come on, food’s getting cold, sweetheart. I don’t want us to fight.” I planted a kiss on her forehead and inhaled the exotic coconut scent of her hair.

  “Neither do I.” Her lip trembled and tears spilled over. I pulled her into my arms and held her tight for a few moments until she began to relax.

  I took her emotional state as hormone induced and wiped her tears away. When will she tell me? Does she think I’m going to be angry? Or upset that the baby isn’t Eve’s? Although Eve would have made a wonderful mum… But of course so will Lily. She’ll be amazing… I just know it.

  I took her hand and led her to the table, pulling her chair out. She lowered herself onto it, and I kissed the top of her head. We sat and ate in silence for a while. I decided to stay quiet in case there was anything she wanted to say.

  But she said nothing.

  After a few minutes I had to speak. I had to say something to break the cloud that had descended over our evening. “I really do love you, Lil. You do know that, don’t you?”

  She gazed up at me and nodded as she chewed. But more tears welled up, and it broke my heart that she may be feeling anything less than 100 percent about my love for her.

  I placed my fork down and leaned toward her. “Lily, you are the centre of my universe. If I have ever given you any reason to doubt my love for you, then please forgive me. It was never my intention. Yes, I loved Eve. Of course I did. But you are my wife. You are the one I love. I don’t live in the past anymore. I thought you knew that.”

  She too placed her cutlery down and swallowed her mouthful of food. “I just… I get worried sometimes. It’s silly, I know. But… I sometimes think it’s all too good to be true. You and me. Us. Our relationship.”

  Her honesty made my heart ache. “Look… I know you think that you and I wouldn’t be together if Eve was still alive. And… maybe that’s true, I really don’t know. Maybe I would never have realised how much I really love you. I can never know that and neither can you. But for whatever reason, I was given the chance to discover my feelings for you. And as hard as it may be for you to believe this, I am glad about that. I’m not glad that Eve died. Obviously.” I leaned my head back and gritted my teeth. “Urgh, fuck, this is coming out all wrong.” I reached out and grasped her hand. “But… Lily, I do love you. And I am happy with you. So very happy. Please stop analysing everything and thinking about the what-ifs. They’re irrelevant. What is relevant is that you and I found each other. That’s what matters now. That’s what counts.” My voice broke and I hoped that she heard me. Really heard me.

  Because every single word was from the heart of me.

  A sob left her chest and she scrambled off her chair and flung herself into my arms. “Adam, I’m so sorry. God, it’s like I’m trying to make you choose between us. Me and Eve. It’s stupid of me. I’m so sorry.”

  Tears escaped my own eyes at the pain in her voice. “Don’t apologise. I do understand. It must be so strange for you. Still, after all these years, it must be like living with a ghost. But I don’t want that for you. Or for us.” I pulled away and cupped her face in my hands. “I want us to live in the now. Together. That’s where we belong, Lil. Don’t you agree?”

  “Yes… yes, I do agree. I do. Let’s promise this won’t happen again. I can’t go on trying to compete with Eve. Or… or thinking that I even need to. But that’s how I’ve felt. I was just so scared to tell you in case you left me.” She kissed me and sucked the air from my lungs as her fingers tangled in my hair.

  Once again I pulled away and gazed directly into her clear blue eyes. “Lily, I’m going nowhere. Not without you. I promise you that. You’re stuck with me, I’m afraid.”

  With that she kissed me again, but she couldn’t hide her sadness from me. I knew her too well. I wished at that moment that there was some magic wand I could wave that would make her know soul deep how much I truly loved her. But instead I did the next best thing; I scooped her up into my arms and carried her upstairs to our bedroom to show her.

  As we lay there in each other’s arms in our post-orgasmic haze, I trailed lazy fingers up and down Lily’s bare skin. How she could ever feel insecure I honestly didn’t know. I was bloody crazy about her.
Head over heels in love. Besotted and every other cliché you could think of.

  Suddenly she sat up with determination. “Adam, I need to tell you something.”

  Shit, here we go. My heart began to race as I sat up so I was level with her, a wide smile on my face. “You do?”

  “Yes. I’ve… I’ve wanted to tell you for days now but… I’ve been scared. And yes, I have been feeling insecure. Things could be about to change dramatically, and I needed to be sure… Well, to know… I mean I…”

  God, I had to put the poor woman out of her misery. I gripped her hands. “Lily, it’s okay. I know.”

  Her eyes widened and she opened and closed her mouth like a goldfish. “You… you do? But how?” And before I could answer, her nostrils flared and she tugged her hands free from mine. She thumped the mattress and growled, “I’ll bloody kill Ellie. How dare she tell you? And I considered her my bloody friend. I took her into my confidence. The bloody fucking cow bag.”

  Ellie knows? Well, bloody fantastic. Thanks a fucking bunch. I swallowed my anger down. “I just don’t get why you couldn’t tell me first though, Lil. I am your husband after all. It does concern me above everyone else, don’t you think?” Okay so maybe I didn’t swallow my anger right the way down.

  “Yes, I know that, but… Like I said, I was scared. I was worried you’d be upset and—”

  “Why the hell would I be upset? Why would that thought even enter your head, Lil? Seriously, I really don’t understand the way you think. I’m over the bloody moon. I want to tell the world!” I jumped up from the bed and danced around naked like a total prick with my actual prick flapping around between my legs. “I’m fucking ecstatic!”

  She laughed and covered her face with her hands. “You are? Shit, I can’t believe this. You have no idea how relieved I am.”

  I bounced onto the bed and scooped my beautiful wife into my arms. The thought that we had created a life that was now growing inside of her and that it was all out in the open, made me want to make love to her all over again.