Pierced Love

by t. h. snyder

  Asshole.

  “Leave her alone Zeke, it sounds like such a perfect moment. Your father and I are so happy for the two of you. Have you spoken to your parents yet Allie?”

  “We called them this morning and we’ll be stopping at their house for dinner tonight,” she says with a smile as Zeke kisses her on the forehead.

  “Perfect! Be sure to have your mother call me and we’ll arrange an engagement party.”

  Allie claps her hands in excitement and curls her body into Zeke’s.

  For a moment I feel the need to bolt to the bathroom, but watching them together makes me feel something. I don’t know how to explain it.

  It sucks that I’ll never feel the way that they do together, but I’ll be happy for them.

  We finish up breakfast and I help mom and Allie clean up while dad and Zeke go out onto the back patio. We chat a bit about the upcoming engagement party and whether or not Allie and Zeke chose a date for the wedding. Throughout the entire conversation I don’t think Allie’s smile falls from her lips. She seems to be overjoyed and I can’t say that I blame her.

  “So, have you any idea where you want to get married or hold the reception?” Mom asks sitting down at the breakfast bar.

  “Hmm, no not really. I guess once we set a date it will be easier to decide on where everything will take place,” Allie says, coming along side of me.

  She gives me a smirk then takes her eyes and looks me up and down.

  “Allie, what are you looking at?” I ask, feeling a bit nervous.

  “Well, you know I love you…right Zar?” She asks, placing her hand on my shoulder.

  I glance over at mom and she just shrugs her shoulders.

  “Yeah, I guess. Why do you ask?” I ask giving her a questionable glare.

  She takes a step back and lets out a deep breath.

  “I want you in the wedding Zar, but I won’t have you wearing black,” Allie says looking me right in the eyes, “you’re a gorgeous girl Zar and I want you to be a beautiful bridesmaid for your brother and me.”

  A lump begins to form in my throat and I can feel my hands begin to sweat.

  I rarely ever get panic attacks like this at home, but right now I know I won’t be able to calm this one down. It’s coming on too fast.

  I grab onto the kitchen counter and feel my knees becoming weak. The pressure consuming my chest is making it harder to take deep breaths. I look between mom and Allie and the look on their faces is of pure fright.

  They see me…they see what I’ve been trying to hide.

  This can’t be happening.

  I feel dizzy and overwhelmed. Not only am I in the midst of a horrific panic attack, but now I feel as though I’m about to pass out from the fear I see in my mom’s eyes.

  I hear her call for dad and Zeke, but before I see them come through the door, I feel my body fall to the floor.

  I hear the voices of my family members off in the distance and I’m feeling a bit confused.

  Where am I?

  I reach my hands down along my sides to feel where I am.

  Why am I lying down on what feels like the living room couch?

  What the hell is going on?

  The last thing I remember is talking with Allie and mom and then I…I, oh my god. I had a panic attack and passed out.

  Damn it to hell.

  How am I going to explain all of this to them? I don’t want them to know about my secret. If they find out, things will get weird and I don’t want them to treat me like the others do.

  Maybe, if I play it cool and act like I haven’t a clue what happened, they’ll think that this was a onetime thing.

  Yeah, that sounds like the right thing to do.

  I start to move my body and open my eyes.

  Lying on the couch in the living room, I can see that everyone is off to the side of the room and in what looks like a deep conversation.

  Having two parents as medical professionals, I can guarantee they checked me out thoroughly and are just waiting for me to wake up.

  “Hey,” I whisper.

  Mom turns and braces herself onto dad’s shoulder.

  “Oh Zar, you’re awake!” Mom shouts, as she comes walking over to me.

  “Zar, are you ok?” My dad asks.

  I nod my head and hope they don’t start asking more in depth questions.

  Dad comes walking over with Zeke, Zoe and Allie following right behind.

  “You had us worried there for a minute kiddo. You bumped your head pretty hard on the counter and were knocked out for about half an hour,” dad says coming down to kneel in front of me.

  “I’m fine, mom and dad. Really, I am,” I tell them trying to sit up.

  “Hey, hey stay where you are. There’s no need to sit up quite yet. Let’s take a good look at you and run through some tests to make sure you’re okay.”

  “Ugh! I’m really fine. I just felt a little dizzy and passed out. No big deal. Really, I’m good,” I tell them while trying to get up, again.

  “Zar, now listen to me. You may feel fine now, but we need to take a look at you. Listen to us and just lay back down.”

  “Fine,” I snap, lowering my body down onto the couch.

  For the next twenty minutes my parents run me through a dozen visual, gross and fine motor tests to make certain I’m okay. Once they’re finally done and I prove that I’m fully capable of walking, they let me be.

  I’m just about clear of all the attention and on my way up to my room when I’m stopped by Allie at the bottom of the stairs.

  “Zar, before you head up to your room, I just want to apologize. I had no idea what I said would upset you so much. We’ll figure it out, but please don’t pass out like that on us again. You had all of us scared.”

  “I’m fine Allie. You didn’t do anything wrong and it’s not your fault this happened. I have no clue what went wrong earlier, but I promise I’m fine.”

  “Okay, I’ll take your word for it. But listen. If you ever want to talk I’m always here. Okay?”

  I nod in her direction and give her a hug.

  I hope she doesn’t know. If she can see right through me than everyone else will soon know, too and everything will be ruined.

  “Thanks Allie, but I’m good.”

  “Zeke and I are going to head out soon to go over to my parents. I’ll be in touch later this week once we set a date.”

  “Sounds good,” I reply.

  I walk up the stairs, down the long hallway and into my bedroom. Looking around the walls, the dark floor and the deep shades of plum, black and green I suddenly feel at peace. This is where I can be me and let down all of my emotional walls. These colors help me feel calm, it’s like the darkness takes away all my fears and insecurities.

  It’s me; alone in this room. I have no worries, no stress and no uncertainties.

  I go over to my hiding spot, pull out my diary and hop on to my bed. I sit up with my feather pillows and pull my giant black down comforter over my legs.

  What happened today could have jeopardized so much for me. There’s no way I can let my family see me at my weakest point. I’ll lose their trust, their love and their sense of pride toward all of my accomplishments.

  I need to do something about these panic attacks, especially now that I had one at home.

  I begin to write in my diary. This is where I share my deepest and darkest secrets. As I write down what happened today, I begin to feel free. It always amazes me how a simple short note in my journal can release a day’s worth of pent up anxiety.

  Saturday

  Today started as a normal Saturday morning. Mom came in, woke me up and I got ready to spend the day with my family. Allie and Zeke stopped by for breakfast and to share the news of their engagement. I’m so happy for them and can only hope that one day I, too, can find that kind of love. Everything was going well and I was enjoying their company until Allie made a comment about me wearing black to their wedding. Before I knew it I was taken back to th
e harsh comments of my peers. The hurtful words said to me for five years. The pokes and jabs at my appearance. And then I returned to reality and was in the midst of a full blown panic attack. I fear this could mean they’ll know more than they have in the past. It’s bad enough to see your child turn into a freak with her appearance, but to really know the true me…it would crush them. I need to find a way to keep my cool and I’m lost in which direction I should take. Until I can figure it out, I’ll just avoid any social setting where anyone could comment about me or my appearance around my family. YES, that’s it, unrealistic yes, but do-able!

  I get up from my bed and place the diary back in its hiding spot.

  I glance over at the alarm clock on my nightstand and see the red blinking lights read that it’s already 2:45 in the afternoon. .

  I’ve already completed all my homework for Monday and really don’t have much else to do.

  Standing in my room I look around. Not quite sure what it is that I’m trying to find, I continue to search the dark green walls, the plum curtains and the black bedding that is scattered over my queen sized bed. Everything in this room symbolizes who I am.

  I don’t know if things will change for me over the next few months. Hell, I don’t even know if this is the way I’ll want my room to look at Iowa State.

  A lot is going to be different and I’m ready and willing to accept the new life that will welcome me. It’s just the change of who I am, who I’ve been for five years, that scares me.

  I’m pulled out of my stupor by my sister’s voice. “Hey, Zar!” She shouts entering my room.

  I turn to see her in my doorway. She’s wearing her hair up in a side pony tail and the end of it falls down the front of her right shoulder. She has on a bright blue dress and matching shoes. With what she’s wearing, it looks like she’s ready to hit up a party.

  “Where are you going all dressed up Zoe?” I ask, looking her over from head to toe.

  “Allie just called and her parents have invited us over for dinner to celebrate,” she says doing a twirl, “do I look okay?”

  “Is the whole family going over?” I ask, totally ignoring Zoe’s question.

  “I don’t know, didn’t mom come up and tell you to get ready?”

  I shake my head no and feel a bit left out. Why didn’t mom come up and tell me we were invited to the Clarke’s house for dinner?

  “Well I’m sure she meant to. I bet she’s just letting you rest after you collapsed this morning.”

  I give my sister a glare.

  “Come on, Zoe, it was a freak accident. It’s not nearly as dramatic as you make it out to sound,” I say in a harsh tone.

  Shit, why is she making a big deal out of this? It was one little panic attack, nothing to get all excited about. Why can’t they all just forget it ever happened and move on with their happy day-to-day lives?

  “Hey girls, wow Zoe you look cute and all ready to go,” mom says, coming into my room, “how you feeling, Zar?”

  “I feel fine,” I tell her with a fake smile, “like nothing ever happened.”

  “That’s wonderful. Do you feel up to going to the Clarke’s for dinner with us?”

  “Yeah, sure that’s fine. How much time do I have to get ready?”

  Looking between both Zoe and mom I can see that I’ll need to wear something a bit nicer than my black leggings and this shirt.

  “We’re leaving in about an hour. Is that enough time?”

  “Yeah, I’ll be ready,” I reply.

  “Great! Okay Zoe, let’s give Zar some privacy to get dressed. Meet us downstairs when you’re ready to go,” mom says, walking out my bedroom door with Zoe in tow.

  Hmm, okay then. What am I supposed to wear that will be tasteful and respectful for this dinner? I’ve never met Allie’s parents or her family members for that matter. I want to make a good impression.

  This is exactly the type of thing I have to look forward to when I leave for school next year.

  Tonight is my chance to prove to myself that I can do this. I’m going to a place that no one will know me other than my family and Allie.

  It will be different from when I’m at school. No one will know my secret and I can start fresh.

  I wander into my walk-in closet and turn on the light switch. Looking through the racks of clothing a sense of comfort overcomes me. Even though my wardrobe is full of dark colors, it’s these colors that keep me safe. They help me hide from my fears and insecurities, but at the same time, they bring me the grief I want to stay away from.

  I walk through the center of the closet and find a black dress with a dark grey cardigan. This is both casual yet formal enough to look nice for a dinner at the Clarke’s home. I grab the dress and move into my bathroom. Glancing into the mirror, I check my makeup from earlier and decide to freshen up a bit. Once my face and hair look okay I change into the dress, put on my black wedges and head downstairs to meet the rest of my family.

  Mom, dad and Zoe are all sitting in the living room when I walk around the corner. Each of them stands when I enter the room and the look on their faces is priceless.

  “Wow, she can clean up pretty nicely,” Zoe says walking over to me.

  I lift the hem of my dress and look at my sister, “oh, this old thing?” I say with a smirk.

  “Yeah, you look nice. I’m not used to you dressing up or wearing a dress…ever,” Zoe says circling me.

  “Well don’t get used to it. I just thought I’d dress up a bit to meet Allie’s family.”

  Mom and dad walk over to us and mom puts her hands on my shoulders.

  “You look beautiful Zar. Now come on girls, let’s get going. We don’t want to keep our hosts waiting on us. It definitely wouldn’t make a good impression.”

  I follow my parents out of the living room, through the kitchen and into the garage.

  This is a very stressful moment for me and I’m hoping I can keep my cool in a new social setting.

  It’s now or never.

  It’s time I begin to look forward to meeting new people.

  It’s time to swallow the fear that crawls up my throat when someone looks at me like I am a freak.

  The four of us pile into dad’s Mercedes and make our way through the streets of the neighborhood and out of our subdivision.

  I haven’t a clue where the Clarke’s live or how long it will take for us to get there so I figure I might as well relax and enjoy the ride.

  I rest my head back on the seat and watch as the town flies past the window in a blur. My eyes begin to close and I can feel myself drifting off. I guess the panic attack this morning really took a lot more out of me than I thought.

  I wake to the sound of my mom’s voice and her hand rubbing my leg.

  “Zar, honey, we’re here. Are you sure you’re up for this tonight?” Mom asks.

  “Huh? Umm, sorry yeah I’m good; just needed a quick nap. How long was I sleeping?”

  “Well I’m not sure when you nodded off, but the drive was about forty-five minutes.”

  “Oh wow!” I reply, sitting up straight against the seat.

  “Alright; well, let’s head inside. Troy, can you take the bottles of wine and I’ll carry in the dessert?”

  “Yeah sure, hand them over,” he replies.

  I watch as both my parents grab the items and exit the car. I run my fingers through my long dark hair and look into the mirror to make sure I don’t have any smeared make-up or eye boogers.

  Together, the four of us walk up the driveway and along the pathway next to the home. Their house is rather large and full of tall narrow windows which bring in the natural light of the setting sun. I look over to my left and see an amazing view. It’s so breath taking that I stop in my tracks.

  From this spot, in front of the house, I can see miles and miles of open land. But the best part is the way the sun looks along the green acres as it sets. It’s absolutely beautiful.

  “Zar?” Mom’s voice startles me from my stare and I turn in
her direction.

  I see that the three of them are already on the front porch waiting for me.

  “Oh sorry, the view kind of took me by surprise and I guess I got lost in the moment.”

  “Roberta, let her be,” dad says, as mom walks down the front steps and comes to stand next to me. She puts her arm around my shoulders and pulls me in tightly to her body.

  “You’ve been spacing out a lot lately Zar, you sure you’re okay?” She says in a nurturing voice.

  I know she’s trying to be helpful, but that comment just pissed me off.

  I shrug myself out of her hold and take a good look at her.

  Is she serious?

  “Mom, I was just looking at the view, not spacing out,” I say in a bitter tone.

  She looks over to the area of land I was staring at and smiles.

  “You’re right, sweetie. It’s quite something to look at. I’m sorry if I upset you.”

  “It’s fine mom, let’s just go,” I snap back at her.

  This is not the frame of mind I want to be in as I’m about to walk into the Clarke’s house and meet Allie’s parents for the first time.

  Mom takes my hand into her own and we walk up the steps toward the front door where Zoe is already ringing the doorbell.

  I take in a deep breath and dad puts his arm around my shoulders.

  “It’s been a long day, kiddo, just relax tonight and have fun, okay?” He says rubbing my arm.

  I nod my head, but refuse to look up at him. The feeling building in my body is something I’m all too familiar with and I hate that the triggers for my attacks are coming more frequently. I quickly close my eyes and picture the sunshine through the glass at the pizzeria, the view of the sunset here at the Clarke’s house and I begin to fiddle with the bracelet on my left arm. I feel my pulse slow and the lump in my throat going away.

  The door opens and Allie and Zeke stand in the archway waiting for us to come inside.

  “Hey guys, come on in,” Allie says waving us inside.

  This is my chance to really be me. To be the Zar I was before I let them destroy me.

  I need to be strong and fight my fears.

  I’ve been so conflicted with my own emotions waiting for my future to come to me.