by t. h. snyder
I shake my head at the memories of what happened next.
“I was hysterically crying and the more I thought about Nana the more upset I became. No one there understood me or the relationship I shared with Nana. They didn’t know the real me or what I was feeling. Everyone from school just knew me as Zar Evans, little sister to Zeke Evans, the all star god of Parkland High School. People kept coming up to me and saying stuff, but nothing would register. I was trapped in a bubble of emotion. I started to feel a bit off and I tried my best to stay focused and calm. A few people came up on the porch asking what was wrong with me, but I couldn’t talk. I was frozen…in a trance.”
I attempt to take in a deep breath as Loudon rubs the palm of my hand for support.
“That night I was swept into the darkness” I whisper.
I pull my hands from mom and Loudon. I can tell that they’re sweaty so I rub them against the blanket.
Feeling embarrassed, I look between the two of them.
“Sorry about that,” I say.
“Zar don’t be silly. Do you feel like continuing or would rather take a break? You’ve shared a lot with us already and I want to make sure you’re up for more,” mom says, trying to soothe me with her tone and by rubbing my leg.
“Nah, I’m okay, thanks. I want to tell you guys everything. I need to get it all out now. I’ve started…I need to finish.”
“Okay kiddo, whenever you’re read, “dad says, encouraging me to go on.
I nod in his direction and take in a long, deep breath. To some, this breathing exercise may seem redundant, but to me it feels so good to be able to fill my lungs and let it all out.
“I wasn’t exactly sure what was happening to me at the time. I mean I’ve never felt like that before. The more people that came over to me the worse it got. My hands started to cramp. I felt a tight pressure in my chest and a lump forming in my throat. It was if someone was sitting on my chest trying to suffocate me. When I tried to take in deep breath, I couldn’t.
“I started to get scared. The more anxious I became, the more people started to come over and stare. Before I knew it, I was shaking so much, my muscles tense, I could barely move, my airways felt constricted and I was gasping for air. I could hear mumbled voices, laughs and I could see the people I thought were my friends stepping away from me. Instead of trying to help, they walked away.
“Eventually, Brittani came over to me to see what was wrong and I lost it. It was as if I was having an out of body experience. I stood to get away from her. I was screaming, shouting and pushing people to back away from me. It felt like my arms and legs and even my hands were going numb, I clenched my hands a few times and ran them down the sides of my pants, but couldn't get the numbness to go away.
“The pressure in my chest would not ease and I was beginning to perspire. I felt so crowded with the people surrounding me, I felt claustrophobic. Everyone started to circle around me and all I could see was that they were laughing and pointing at me. Brittani ran over to me and shouted for me to stop freaking out, she shouted that I was a freak and out of control.
“I had no idea what a spectacle I was making of myself, all I knew was that I was an emotional mess and need to get away. The moment only lasted a few minutes longer because after a few seconds of hyperventilating my vision started to blur and I guess I passed out.”
I hear my mom gasp and see her hand fly up to her face. She’s shaking her head and mumbling something into her hand. Dad pulls her back next to him on the bed and wraps his arm around her for comfort.
I look up at him and he nods for me to continue.
“I don’t know how long I was out; it couldn’t have been long, because when I woke up I was lying on the front porch next to a rocking chair. I searched for my phone to see what time it was and realized that you would be there to pick me up in a few minutes. I tried to pull myself together, stand up on two feet and made my way down the driveway to the sidewalk. I didn’t even go back into the house. I was too scared and ashamed to see the girls or anyone else that saw what happened. It hurt to think that the people I’d grown up with had abandoned me in my time of need.”
I look at my mom who is still cradled in my dad’s arms. I hate this. It’s killing me that sharing this with them is hurting her so much. I see that she is sobbing into my dad’s side. He’s doing his best to comfort her, but I know this has to be hard to hear for him as well.
“Mom,” I say hoping she’ll look up at me.
She lifts her head from my dad’s body and I can see that tears are streaming down her cheeks.
“Please, mom, don’t cry,” I tell her.
She stands and moves to the side table next to the bed. Grabbing the box of tissues she comes back over to the bed and takes a seat.
“Zar, I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I can’t believe that this is a part of your life that I never knew about. I could have done something for you; I should have helped you, if only you’d have told us about it.”
“Don’t mom; it was my choice to keep this all a secret. I need you to keep the blame off of yourself so that we can work through this together.”
She nods her head and I feel that I should continue before my emotions take over and I lose it all together.
“When you came to get me, the car ride was so quiet. I just wanted peace to put my thoughts together. Not only was I dealing with the death of my Nana, but my spirit itself had died that night, too. I wanted to understand the emotions that were coursing through me; it was just too much, I was overwhelmed. As soon as we got home, I went right to my room and started a journal. I’ve kept it going almost every day since. It’s been the one safe place that I felt was okay to speak freely and for me to let out my pain.”
“Has anyone ever seen this journal, Zar?” Mom asks.
I shake my head. “Oh no, no one has ever seen it. It’s hidden pretty well in a spot that only I know about.”
“Oh, I see,” she responds.
I’m not too sure where she is going with this, but my diary is for me and only me. I will not allow anyone else to see those thoughts I have in print. It’s too personal and I’m not willing to expose myself like that to anyone. It’s hard enough to get this all out without breaking apart. I have to keep going before I stop myself completely.
“The next few days I kept to myself. I couldn’t nor did I want to be a part of the funeral arrangements. I didn’t even want to walk near her room. I felt like I was weak and had let her and you guys down. The day of her funeral I wanted to feel at peace knowing she was in a better place. I looked around at our family, friends and the people that she knew from her social circles. We were all dressed in black. The dark colors were comforting to me and provided me with a sense of relief. It was almost as if the black…the darkness was a place for me to feel safe from the pain.”
I shake my head and look up at my mom. She returns the glance and looks at me with questionable eyes. It’s as though I can tell that the light bulb just went off in her head. It’s all starting to make sense, well at least some of it.
“I never put the two together. The sudden changes in your appearance, the way you withdrew yourself and the reason you quit all your afternoon school activities. Zar, I’m so sorry I was so blind. Will you ever forgive me?”
She stands from the bed and comes close enough to pull me into a hug.
“Mom, there is nothing to forgive. I should have felt comfortable enough with you and dad to come to you guys, to be more open. I was just so lost, I didn’t know who, what or where to turn. I thought by pulling back from everything it would get better, but it didn’t. It only got worse.”
“Loudon, do you mind if I…”
He cuts her off before she can finish her thought.
“Of course,” he says getting up from the bed and pulling a chair over next to me.
I watch him as he gets comfy in the most uncomfortable looking chair. He catches me looking at him and smiles. That dimple pops out and those eyes
shine back at me. I try to keep my emotions at bay, but when he’s this close to me, I can’t help but smile back at him.
I blink a few times and turn back to face my parents. I need to try and regain my focus so that I can wrap this up. I feel like the hardest part is over; it’s just letting them know now how I’ve made it through hell for the past few years.
“When I went back to school the next week, life only got that much harder. The comfort I had found in my new clothes only made things worse. Even though I felt they helped to ease the pain of my loss, everywhere I went people stared at me. Walking through the halls I would hear people whisper and make hurtful comments about ‘the girl who transformed into the freak’.”
The memory of that first day back to school sends chills through me and goose bumps spread up my arms.
“For awhile, I pushed the thoughts out of my mind, but soon enough it started to consume my life. I couldn’t escape it anymore.”
I look over toward the window. I want to see the sun, the bright light it brings into our lives, but right now the clouds are taking over and a rain storm is coming.
This is a perfect symbol of my life and I think I finally get it now. Before the sun can shine and flowers can bloom a storm has to come through so that we can appreciate all the beauty that we have.
It’s all going to be okay…I think I really do get it now.
I turn back to my mom, dad and Loudon, it’s time to move on and start anew. With them in my life, I can do this. I’ll never hide anything from them again. I can’t be who I am without the people that mean the most to me.
“The pain has never gone away, not even after all these years. I tried to keep myself hidden, but the more I kept my distance, the more they came after me. Their words hurt, their forceful gestures were cruel, but the worst part of it all was trying to hide it all from you. When I’d be out with mom, dad, Zoe or Zeke I’d be so worried that someone would say something to give away my secret. This is something that I never wanted you guys to know about. I thought that if you knew how weak I was that you’d be crushed and see me like they do. I couldn’t take knowing that you too thought I was a freak.”
I shake my head at the thought of that word.
The number of times it’s been used to hurt me and to think that the people I cared about the most viewed me like that, too would be more than I could take. I place my head back on the stack of pillows lying on the top of my hospital bed. I close my eyes for a brief moment and take in this feeling, I did it. I’ve told them a brief snippet of my life and how the darkness has controlled me for the past five years.
My dad clears his throat and I see that tears are streaming from his red, puffy eyes as he walks over to the other side of my bed.
“Zar, I don’t know where to begin to tell you how sorry I am that you’ve gone through all of this alone. I can’t imagine the grief you’ve had to endure all by yourself. Just know that you’ll never be alone in this again. You have a family that loves you very much. We all have our weaknesses but, together, we can turn them into a strength. You are a tough cookie, kiddo, and I love you so much.”
He pulls me into his arms and gives me the best hug ever.
“Thank you dad, I’m so sorry for keeping all of this from you and mom.”
“Zar, as much as I wish we would have known, I can also understand that you wanted to shield yourself. But, and this is a big but, if you ever have something that bothers you, please know that I…no we are all here for you. Right now, I don’t know what is going to happen next with school or what the doctor has planned for your health care; however I do know that we are a family and we are in this together.”
I pull away from my dad and move into my mom’s arms. A huge sense of relief fills me. I never thought I’d be able to share all of this with anyone. I’m so lucky to have both my parents and Loudon here by my side.
I know that life won’t go back to normal in the snap of a finger, but knowing that now they have a better understanding of what I’ve gone through makes me feel…better.
After catching up on a weeks worth of missed homework and lecture notes, I decide to get ready for the day.
I make my way into my closet, not quite sure what to wear.
Looking through the racks and shelves of clothing, it dawns on me that I am in a serious need of a new wardrobe. Both walls are filled with clothes in one primary color...black. Have I really been hiding in such darkness that I had been so blind to the world around me? Seriously, how could I have done such a thing? I was hurting so badly that I never took into consideration that I was drowing myself.
Well, not anymore.
As scared as I am about change, it really is time to make some serious decisions.
It’s the only way I can move forward and be happy.
I let out a huge sigh and pull my hair back into a messy bun.
Rumaging through my jeans I find a pair that aren’t black. They are still a darker shade, but they’ll do. I reach up on the shelf and find a green sweater. I grin as I pull it down thinking of how this would look next to Loudon’s eyes…it’s perfect.
Pulling on my jeans and sweater, I’m nervous, hopeful and anxious for what’s to come.
Leaving the hospital on Tuesday night, I was surrounded by my family for support.
Telling mom, dad and Loudon about what’s been happening for the past few years hurt. I never thought I’d be strong enough to actually share my burden with anyone else.
How did I get so lucky to have such amazing people in my life that really do care about me?
Walking across my room, my eyes catch a ray of light that’s streaming between my dark curtains.
I move closer to the window and pull the heavy material to the side.
Today is a fresh start for me emotionally and I want to let in as much light as I can.
Letting the warm sun hit my face for a few more minutes, I think back to that first day I saw Loudon.
I remember sitting at the pizzeria by the front window. There were a lot of guys that walked into the restaurant, but from the first moment I caught his eyes, I couldn’t help but want to watch him. It’s crazy how far we’ve come in a little over a month. He’s an amazing guy and an even better friend. I don’t know what I’d do if he wasn’t here to help me through all of this.
Since I told him what happened, he has done everything possible to prove to me that he is here for me that he’s going nowhere, and I’m forever grateful. I haven't had a friend like him in such a long time and I just don't know what to make of it. My parents are acting so similar, it’s strange, who would have known?
Glancing at the alarm clock, I see that I still have some time before I need to head downstairs for breakfast.
I reach under my window, unlatch the cabinet door and dig out the box that holds my diary. For the first time, ever, I want to write in it about things to look forward to…not those that I wish would vanish.
Friday
I’ve slept so much better the past three nights. I’m not sure if it’s the weight lifted from my shoulders or the fact that I haven’t had to go to the hell zone the past few days. My family has been crazy supportive since we got home, but not to the point that they are suffocating me. I really do feel like things are going to get better. I have a long journey ahead of me, but I know now, more than ever, that there is a light shining through my darkness. He is standing there helping to guide me in the right direction and even though the feeling he gives me isn’t love, I can tell he has pierced my heart with his.
I slide the black pen into the spine of my diary and close the pages to my soul.
Leaning my head back, I rest my body in my super comfy chair and glance around my bedroom.
As my eyes cross over the room, the smile on my face falls and instantly I feel dark, sad and alone.
There is such pain felt within this space. So many years of hiding behind a dark cloud of hurt that could have been avoided. If only I would have trusted myself to be open with
those around me.
There really isn’t a bright splash of color in this room.
The walls are painted dark green, the curtains on my windows are a deep plum color and the bedding that is scattered over my queen sized bed is black.
Everything in this room symbolizes who I am, or at least who I was.
I don’t know if I really want to be surrounded by this darkness anymore.
No I don’t.
I want to let the light in.
I want to feel safe in the light.
I want to be a part of the world I’ve closed myself off from for far too long.
With my family, and Loudon, by my side I know I can.
I’m overwhelmed by the feelings of encouragement they’ve shared with me the past few days. I know with the struggles I’ve been through, there are a lot of people who love and care about me. I don’t need to be alone anymore with my pain. I have people surrounding me that want to help me get through this.
After I shared the details with my parents and Loudon I knew they would eventually have questions to ask me. I was ready for them, but instead they said they wanted to give me time and I’m sure they wanted to digest the news I shared with them.
It’s not every day that your daughter or new girlfriend tells you that she’s been bullied the past five years and suffers severe panic attacks.
I laugh to myself at just the thought of it.
How crazy it must be to even imagine that any of this is real to a person that had no clue it was going on. I guess even though some signs were there, it was hard for those closest to me to see it when they weren’t actually there for any of the attacks.
Mom and dad stressed the point over and over again that none of this was my fault. It will just take time for that to sink in I guess. I have a long road of self development and forgiveness to work through.
Today is the first day on my journey of the healing process…so they say.
I’m actually a little nervous.
Dr. Roberts suggested I see a psychologist that specializes in treatment for teens that have been bullied and suffer from post traumatic stress syndrome and panic attacks.
