No, I don’t know why I did it.
When we were done, we hauled our equipment off stage to make room for Last Five Seconds to set up. Ethan was too far gone by that point, and Brad cornered him off stage. Ethan wandered off somewhere while the remaining four of us emptied the stage.
Clayton/ Jet stopped me before his band started loading their equipment onto the stage. “Nice show, Valerie. You stayin’ to watch?”
“We usually do. Gotta support our friends, right?”
“That’s what I like to hear.” He started walking up the stage. “I’ll be playing tonight for you.”
Whoa. That was heavy. And here’s where having a secret boyfriend—if that was what I could even call Ethan—presented some trouble. I couldn’t exactly tell him right there that I was seeing someone as he was walking away from me and my friends/ bandmates were right beside me. But chances were this was the last of it. I was just nice flirting material for him for the evening.
The four of us—Brad, Zane, Nick, and me—stood near the front. Nick had his arm around the girl he’d been talking to earlier, and I was surprised he wasn’t already making out with her, knowing his track record. I noticed the guitarist onstage looking around, and he kept it up until he spotted me. He pointed his left index finger at me from under the shaft of his guitar and grinned at me.
Brad noticed, because he looked over at me, but he didn’t say a word. I just looked back at him and tried to deliver as innocent a smile as I could.
My God, could those guys rock. Jet—that’s who he was when his guitar was in his hand—was one of the best live guitarists I’d ever seen. It was like he and his guitar were one. His fingers were like liquid, gliding over the strings, even when he was shredding. He was amazing to watch. He was sexy too. The energy he exuded, moving around the stage, singing backup when needed, looking down at me on occasion. Those looks gave me chills.
But I had to push those thoughts out of my head. Oh, my God. It was true, everything my parents had ever told me. I’d finally given in to my deepest desires, and now I was full of lust.
Honestly, though, I would have found him gorgeous before; in fact, I had. And, no, I still wasn’t to the point where I wondered what he’d be like in bed. No, but I did appreciate that he was a fine specimen of man.
When their show was over, they were lugging their equipment off stage so the last band could set up. Brad said to the three of us, “I’m gonna check on Ethan.”
Yeah, where was he? Brad was still gone when the fourth band started setting up, and after a few minutes, Last Five Seconds’s guitarist tracked me down. His hair was damp, and he’d run his fingers through it, pulling it away from his face. He was swigging on a bottle of water as he approached me. “What’d you think?”
I smiled. “Even better than the last time I saw you.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Can I give you some advice?”
I was curious. “About what?”
“On stage.”
I was hesitant but wanted to know. His band had been performing for a couple of years. He had oodles more experience than I did. I wanted to know. “Sure.”
“You have a great voice, Valerie. Not a lot of women can pull off metal. And you do some great stuff with your voice. But…I’d love to hear you scream more.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah…try a deep growl or just a crazy scream. You don’t want to do it through the whole thing, but it could really punctuate a lot of the other cool shit you got goin’ on.” I nodded my head. “You ever hear In This Moment?” I raised my eyebrows. “You know, Maria Brink.”
“Oh, yeah.”
“There’s a woman knows how to do metal.”
“I’ll see what I can do. Thanks.”
His eyes twinkled. “I’ll be listening.”
I looked over for my remaining two bandmates. Nick had disappeared, and Zane was talking to two girls beside him. “So, seriously…do I call you Clayton or Jet?”
He got a huge grin on his face. “Well, it depends.”
“On what?”
“Do you want me sweet or dirty?”
Oh. Wow. He really was pushing all the right buttons. But I was a good girl. “Well…considering I have a, uh, well, um, I’m kind of seeing somebody, I think I’ll have to take you sweet.”
He raised his eyebrows. “Kind of seeing somebody?”
I’m not sure why I told him, but I said, “Yeah. He’s my secret boyfriend.”
“Secret boyfriend? If you were with me, the whole world would know it.”
I wanted to change the subject. My relationship with Ethan was off the table, and I didn’t want Zane overhearing our conversation anyway. “You still didn’t answer my question.”
His eyes grew serious, but I could see the playfulness in them. “Then I guess you’d better call me Clay. You want the bad boy, ask for Jet. He’ll come running, secret boyfriend or not.”
Well, if that didn’t make me just love this boy, nothing would. I felt almost winded, but then Brad showed up. “Val, we gotta go.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.” He noticed Clayton. “Hey, Jet. How’s it goin’, man? Great show, by the way.”
“Thanks. You too.” He tipped his head toward me. “Nice addition to your band.”
Brad grinned at me. “Yeah. We thought so too.”
To me, Clayton said, “By the way, I really like my shirt on you.”
Brad noticed the shirt then. “Cool. Didn’t even notice.” He looked back at Clayton. “See you around.”
I gave Clayton a tiny wave and smiled. He smiled back, and then I realized he probably thought Brad was my boyfriend…not that it mattered. Nothing could happen between Clayton and me, no matter how cute he was. Nothing.
Chapter Twenty-four
ETHAN WAS SERIOUSLY messed up. Brad, Zane, and I stood outside the van while Ethan was passed out in the back. He’d just thrown up, and Brad had told him to sleep it off.
“I don’t know if I should take him to the ER or not.”
I asked, “What’d he take, Brad?”
“No fuckin’ idea.”
“Why the hell does he do this?”
Brad gave me a look, and I knew why. We’d discussed this before, and he wasn’t willing to talk about it again, no matter how much it bothered me. Zane broke the ice. “Nick coming?”
“Nope. He’s got a ride.”
“Yeah, I bet he’s got a helluva ride. Lucky motherfucker.”
Brad asked, “So do we take him to the hospital or not?”
“How’s he doing?”
“Better than before.”
“Can I talk to him?”
“I guess.” Brad looked over at Zane then back to me. “Good luck.”
I opened the van door and stepped in. I heard Brad and Zane talking quietly, and I didn’t know if they were trying to keep their conversation from Ethan or from me. But I knelt in the tight space between the driver’s seat and the bench seat behind it, near where Ethan’s head lay. I put my hand on his forehead. It was cool and clammy. I whispered, “Ethan?”
He moved his head toward my voice. “Hmm?”
“How are you?”
“Okay.”
“You sure? Should we take you to get help?”
He was quiet for a moment. “No. I’m fine.”
“You don’t seem fine.”
He opened his eyes. I could see them only because of the dim dome light. “I’m fine.” He took another breath, but it didn’t seem normal. His breathing seemed shallow. “I just wanna go home.” He seemed halfway coherent, but I still didn’t feel sure.
I kissed his cheek. “I just worry about you. I love you.”
“Then just take me home, okay?”
I don’t know what kind of response I’d expected, but I hadn’t expected abrupt. Still, he was under the influence of something, and I was willing to let the rudeness slip. “Okay.” I stepped back outside the van and told Brad and
Zane what Ethan had said.
So we made the trip back to our apartment. We were quiet. Brad even had the radio turned down low. I sat in my usual seat but kept turning around to look at Ethan. His head was rolling back and forth with the motion of the van, but he seemed to be passed out for the most part.
When we got home, Brad and Zane helped Ethan inside. Both wrapped an arm over their shoulders to help him. I was still worried, but Ethan forced a smile, so I thought maybe he’d be okay. Once upstairs, Brad said, “I’m gonna put him on the couch so we can keep an eye on him.”
“Then I’m sleeping out here too.”
“You can have my cot.”
“No. I’m not taking your bed. I’ll just sleep in the chair.” The one soft chair in the room. I didn’t plan on sleeping much anyway.
Brad insisted, but I wasn’t going to budge. I just smiled and then brushed my teeth, slipped off my boots, and changed from jeans to sweats. He and Zane were in the kitchen talking, but I walked past them into the living room. I sat on the couch beside Ethan. “You sure you’re doing all right?”
He blinked at me. He had a little more color in his face. “Yeah.”
“Want something to drink?” He nodded. “Be right back.”
I went back in the kitchen and grabbed a glass. I poured him some water. Brad asked, “He still seem okay?”
“He said he wanted something to drink. That’s a good sign, right?”
He shrugged. He looked worried, and I knew why. Ethan was like his brother, and Brad was torn. I was too, but Ethan talking and looking a little more coherent had alleviated my worries a little bit. When I got back to the living room, I sat next to him again. “I have your water here.”
He opened his eyes again and lifted his head a little. I placed my hand on the back of his neck and brought the water to his lips. He sipped and then rested his head back. He focused on me. “Where’d you get that shirt?”
I wasn’t going there…not now anyway. “At the show tonight.” That was all he needed to know.
“Oh…looks good on you.” He lay his head back and, within seconds, started snoring softly.
I didn’t sleep well that night. I would drift off and then wake right back up, then check on Ethan and sit back down. Sometime several hours past midnight, Ethan’s breathing seemed completely normal, and I started to relax. And, at some point after that, I drifted into a deeper sleep.
The next morning, I woke up feeling stiff and uncomfortable all over. Ethan wasn’t on the couch. Brad and Zane were still sleeping on their cots. I got up, hoping Ethan was okay. As I moved to the other end of the apartment, I heard the shower in the bathroom. It might have been Nick, but then I realized the big bedroom’s door was open. I tapped on the bathroom door.
“Yeah?” It was Ethan.
“Everything okay?” I asked through the door.
“Yeah. Be out in a minute.”
I went to the kitchen and started a pot of coffee. Brad came in. “How’s he doing?”
“He said he’s okay.”
There was an uncomfortable silence between Brad and me, and I wasn’t sure what the cause of it was. Looking back over the past week, I knew it could have been caused by anything. But Brad had become my closest friend here. So, after I poured us both a cup of coffee and I sat at the table, I asked, “Everything okay with you?”
He nodded, but his eyes said something different entirely. I raised an eyebrow. “You don’t seem too sure.”
“It’s cool, Val. It is.”
I knew it wasn’t, but I wasn’t going to press my luck. I only wanted him to know I cared. “I just…worry about you too. I know you’re doing a lot for all of us, and I appreciate it.”
He smiled then, but it looked weary. “Thanks.”
Without even thinking, I grabbed his hand and squeezed it, but I wrapped that hand around my coffee mug as I heard Ethan open the bathroom door.
He walked into the kitchen, wearing jeans only, his damp hair matted to his head. “Man, did I get fucked up last night.”
“Jesus,” Brad muttered.
“How are you?”
“I told you I’m fine. Not one-hundred percent, but I’m fine.” He walked over to the cabinet and pulled out a mug, pouring himself some coffee.
“We were worried about you. What did you take?”
“Stop, Val. Christ. You’re not my mom.”
That struck a nerve. I took in a deep breath. I so wanted to say something bitchy, like telling him to take care of his own damn self next time. Instead, I just bit my tongue. Brad looked at me as if to remind me of the conversation we’d had months ago. I had tried to forget about it, but every word came clear this moment. Brad had said Ethan did drugs to cope…to cope with some kind of hell he’d gone through. And, at that moment, I realized that my love for him couldn’t save him. But maybe, like Brad had said, we’d be there to catch him when he fell. I just hoped he wouldn’t keep falling. My heart couldn’t take it.
* * *
We had another show that night, and late afternoon I was putting on heavier stage makeup in my room when Ethan rapped on the door. I didn’t know which guy it was but told him to come in. When he came in the door, he closed it behind him and eased up closer to me to where I stood in front of the full-length mirror, putting on blush.
He rested his chin on my shoulder and looked at my reflection. “I didn’t mean to worry you.”
I smiled then. I loved when he was sweet. But he wasn’t only sweet. He was hot. He was all decked out for our show, and he was even hotter than usual. Having him press up against my body from behind, remembering how the other night he’d given me my first orgasm only accentuated my attraction for him.
I turned around as he wrapped his hands around my waist. “I wouldn’t worry if I didn’t care.” I tossed the blusher on the bed.
“I know.” He was wearing eyeliner. I wasn’t necessarily into it when guys wore it, but it made Ethan look sexier than usual. He kissed me firmly on the lips.
I decided to be honest. “You look really hot tonight.”
He grinned. “You think so?”
“Yeah.”
“You think I’m hot?”
“Oh, God, yes.” He backed me up against the mirror.
“When are we leaving?”
I suspected I knew why he was asking. “Half hour maybe.”
“What have you got left to do?”
“Not much.”
He started kissing my neck. Oh, that was nice. I let out a small breath and tilted my neck. All was forgiven…my fear and upset, my worry. As I inhaled a deep breath, my breasts pushed into his chest, and I let out a small sigh. Remembering when he had me up against this same wall not long ago pressing into me, making me feel aroused and then recalling how he’d made me feel better than I ever had in my whole life just a few short nights ago made me wet with desire. I wanted him to touch me again, to make me feel like this was what I was made for. Our lips clashed together, and I groped for the button to the leather pants that were molded to his skin. I could feel his cock pressing against the fabric.
I wanted to touch it. I’d only touched it the other night in the shower, but now I was fascinated by it. How would it feel inside me now? I wanted to know. And so I unzipped his pants and found my way inside his underwear. Oh…it was hard and throbbing, smooth and hot, and it was that way for me. All for me.
His kiss was harder then, and he unzipped my jeans in response. “You want me inside you, babe?”
I opened my eyes. God, his were on fire. “Hell, yeah.”
He assaulted me again with his lips, and I grabbed his ass to press him into me, but his hands were in the way. He grinned. “Good things come to those who wait.” I let out a small laugh until he stuck his hand in my panties. He ran his finger down my slit, brushing over my clitoris and feeling lower, and he said, “Fuck. You’re ready, aren’t you?”
He knew just by touch. I nodded, now serious, as I gasped at the motion of his finger. I closed
my eyes and realized I was almost panting.
“I don’t have a rubber, Val. You’re on the pill, right?”
“Yeah.” So it was stupid, especially in light of the fact that I knew Ethan had had multiple partners, but I loved him and wanted him, and I didn’t want to wait.
“You okay going without?”
Well, I didn’t have a choice, did I? Maybe I’d have to start keeping them around. It might be a little embarrassing to buy them myself, but I knew how stupid it was to have unprotected sex. “Are you safe?”
“Yeah. I’m fine. I swear.” He punctuated his words with another stroke of his finger against me, making it impossible for me to deny him. My gasp told him all he needed to know, and he pulled my pants halfway down my thighs, then pulled his own down and lifted me up against the wall, my legs wrapped around him. In just a few short moments, he was inside me, filling me up. At first, I still felt discomfort. But as he continued to drive into me, it began to feel good, and that was when my desire ramped up again. I started breathing heavily once more, enjoying the sensation of him inside me, driving me wild.
But, perhaps because I was new at the whole thing, I didn’t even come close to orgasm. Ethan came inside me before I even got close. I hoped he didn’t feel bad about it. He was breathing in my ear. “Didn’t you like that?”
“Yeah…I loved it.” As he pulled out and set my feet on the floor, I could feel the evidence that he’d come inside me. He was kissing my neck again when there was a knock on my door.
I cleared my throat. “Yeah?”
Zane asked, “Have you seen Ethan?”
Fortunately, Ethan didn’t make me lie. “I’ll be out in a sec.”
Guess it wasn’t a secret anymore.
He was whispering in my ear again when he said, “I’ll take care of you tonight, babe. I promise.”
He zipped up his pants while giving me a hasty kiss on the lips. He swaggered out the door, leaving me in that state. And the rest of the night, I felt like I was on edge, and my damp panties just reminded me that he’d been inside me earlier. Somehow, onstage, it made me feel empowered, free, and fully feminine. It made me feel sexy, wanted, and for the first time ever, I felt in control of my sexuality. I’d have to try incorporating Clayton’s suggestions for vocally changing my singing voice, but this night I was breathier, cooing some lines, adding seduction to my words. I hoped Ethan could actually hear me in spite of the hold his guitar had over him, because he’d done that to me.
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