by BK Rivers
Finally at her house, I pull out the keys and unlock the front door. The house is quiet, and when I call up the stairs, no one answers. I check the window and see her car isn’t parked in the driveway. I guess she’s still at work. Inside the fridge is a bottle of wine. I pull it out, sit on her couch, and drink straight from the bottle.
A slamming door makes me jump off the couch and drop the bottle of…I glance down…wine, spilling the foamy liquid on the carpet. I turn around only to find the room spinning and at least three Staceys standing with their hands on their hips staring at me.
“What are you doing here?” they all ask, their voices pinging around in my head.
I stand on wobbly legs, walk around the couch, and watch as she backs up until she’s up against the door. I move closer, breathe in her scent of peaches and lilies, and damn near lose it. I scrub my hands across my face then move them to my hair and tug so hard I see red.
“Ace, why are you in my house?” Her voice is as soft as a whisper, her eyes wide as she takes in my disheveled appearance. I glance down to see the pair of gray sweats I threw on this morning is wet from the spilled wine and my sweatshirt has a ketchup stain on it. I don’t remember spilling ketchup.
I step closer, leaving no room for air to pass between us. Stacey gasps as I place one hand on the door behind her head. Closing my eyes, I rest my forehead on hers.
“I told you not to fall in love with me,” I say, still gripping my hair with my free hand.
“Ace, I—”
“I’m not done,” I say, cutting her off. My other hand moves from my hair to the braid falling over Stacey’s shoulder. Her hair slips like silk through my fingers and when my hand trails over her breast and down to her waist, she closes her eyes and squeezes out a tear. “Every time I’m with you, I think of her.” More tears fall down her cheeks and her bottom lip is quivering, shaking like a leaf in the wind.
If I make it through the night, it will be a Goddamn miracle.
“Ace, please don’t. You’re drunk and don’t know what you’re saying,” she cries, still unable to look at me.
“I know exactly what I’m doing,” I say, slowly turning her head to look at me. I need her to see the pain I feel when the memories invade. The memories steal the happiness I feel when I’m with her and she needs to understand.
“You think I want these memories? The memories of holding my wife’s head in my lap while she bled out from her wrists. I saw the life drain from her eyes as the blood soaked through my clothes and pooled on the floor. Those are memories you wish you could wipe away, could forget as easily as you seem to have forgotten I told you not to love me. I won’t love again, it’s not worth the pain.” I know I hurt her, but to what extent, I’m not sure. If there is any ounce of love for me left after what I just did, I hope she can find it within herself to let it grow into something beautiful. Something amazing. But not for me.
I drop her chin, claim her mouth with mine one last time before I pull open the door and walk away. This time for good. From behind the door, I hear her slide down to the floor and burst into sobs, breaking the rest of my heart. I didn’t have much left to begin with, but there’s nothing left after that.
How could there be?
Chapter 35
Stacey
When Reggie said that someday my ability to pick up random strangers was going to hurt me, I don’t quite think she meant they would rip my heart out. But that’s what he’s done. He’s pulled it from me, stomped on it, and then put it in a blender and handed it back to me like somehow I would be able to reassemble it. I can’t stay here a minute longer knowing not only does he not want me, but there’s no hope for him to have feelings for me.
How could I be so stupid in thinking we shared something? I thought I saw it in his eyes, I really did. Apparently, I’m really bad at reading people and was wrong from the start.
A phone call to Reggie is all it took for me to pack up a few things and stay at her place. Risking running into each other at the house isn’t worth it. It’s too hard on my heart and this needs to be a clean break, like I’m quitting him cold turkey. It’s the only way I know how to survive this.
Once settled into the room Ace and I shared, Reggie joins me on the bed and wraps her arms around me.
“You’re going to be okay,” she says, squeezing me tight. “I love you and want you to know you can stay here as long as you need.”
“Thanks,” I say, sniffing back the tears staining my cheeks. I told myself I would give this one last good cry and then I’d be done. No more wallowing, no more tears. Moving on is my focus. Over the next couple days, we settle into a routine. I’m up at the crack of dawn, eat a quick breakfast, then drive the sixty-five miles to work, making sure I leave early enough to account for snow and ice-covered roads. Had I really thought about this part of the situation, I may have stayed in the house.
I close the bookstore early the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and do some shopping at a fancy grocery store in Warner. The little store in Torrance is pretty small and doesn’t have a few of the ingredients I need for the stuffing I make. Walking toward the checkout counter, I stop moving when I see Ethan and a pretty blond with her arm draped over his. Seeing him with someone makes me happy, but confused since I’ve never seen him date. Or mention a girl…ever. I almost thought maybe he was gay.
Taking a deep breath, I step up to them and say hi. “Hey, Ethan.” He turns around and his eyes dart to the blond he’s with and his cheeks flame red.
“Stacey…hey! Um, how are you?” he asks, casually moving his arm from the blond’s touch.
“I’ve been better,” I say, tucking the hair behind my ears. Ethan glances between the blond and me and then his shoulders sag.
“Stacey, this is Katie, my girlfriend.”
It’s Katie’s turn to blush as she smiles. “Nice to meet you,” she says. Her voice is quiet and soft, making an image of Tinkerbell pop into my head. Come to think of it, she is quite petite and the way her hair is pulled up into a messy bun…well, let’s just say the resemblance is uncanny.
“Stacey and Ace…I mean, they…” He looks to me for direction but I have no clue what to tell him. We weren’t ever officially a couple and I don’t even know if you could consider us dating.
“Ace and I were friends. I rent his house.” Fresh wounds open up as I speak about him and me in the past tense. “How’s he doing?” I shouldn’t ask, but something inside me needs to know.
Ethan shrugs and moves ahead in the line. “He’s miserable,” he admits. Katie takes the basket of food from his elbow and places their items on the conveyor belt. “I’m really sorry he’s an idiot. He’s really confused and hurting and doesn’t know what to do with everything he’s feeling.”
“Well, he made it pretty clear how he feels about me,” I say, blinking rapidly to dry my eyes.
“Again, he’s an idiot, Stacey. He’s going to wake up one of these days and realize just what he’s done by pushing you away.”
“It’s too late, Ethan. My heart can’t handle any more breaks.”
“I’m really sorry to hear that,” he says as his arms wrap me in a hug. He holds me tightly while rebellious tears slip down my cheeks. “I wish you wouldn’t give up on him,” he whispers in my ear. “He’ll wake up soon and be ready to tell you everything.”
“Thanks, Ethan. Tell him I said hi, will ya?”
He nods, and then turns to pay for his groceries. He and Katie walk away, waving, and his words cut me even deeper. Could I wait for him to wake up like Ethan says? Should I?
The entire drive back to Reggie’s I play the conversation with Ethan in my head over and over. It’s easy for me to read into what he said and turn it into something I want to hear. But what if he was trying to tell me what I so desperately want to hear?
What if Ace does have feelings for me and he’s scared of what it means?
Would it make a difference?
***
Thanksgiving morni
ng, Reggie and I meet in the kitchen and start preparing all the food for the day. I really do love to cook, and when she and I get in the kitchen together, magic usually happens. What would normally be a regular turkey turns into an herby masterpiece and the potatoes are the perfect consistency. She and I should really consider opening up a restaurant or a catering business.
Thanksgiving guests start to arrive and I’m suddenly feeling homesick. I miss my parents and my brother. Maybe I should have flown back to Phoenix to be with them since their plans changed a month ago and they were all unable to fly up here. Before we sit to eat, I excuse myself to call them, knowing they’ll be watching the game and snacking on turkey and all the trimmings.
“Stacey, honey. Happy Thanksgiving,” Mom says when she answers the phone. Her voice alone pulls a sob from me. “Honey, what’s wrong?”
Doing my best to hide my sadness, I force a laugh. “I just miss you all and wish I would have flown home to be with you for the holiday.”
“We miss you too,” she says, sounding just like the worried mother she used to be when I would go crying to her. She always made me feel better, even when I was in trouble.
“How is everyone?” As the words leave my mouth, Reggie’s doorbell rings. “I should probably get going, Mom. I just needed to hear your voice.”
I leave my bedroom and head downstairs, only to be greeted by the best sight I could have asked for. I drop my phone into the pocket of my apron, squeal, and leap down the stairs and into the arms of my parents.
“What are you guys doing here?” I say, holding them both tight.
“We missed you too, honey,” Mom says, kissing my cheek. My brother walks inside next and I couldn’t have been given a greater gift right now.
“James! You guys, I’ve missed you all so much.” James joins our family hug and everything is good. Right now, I have what I need most and it’s perfect.
Chapter 36
Ace
Every year it’s the same, Thanksgiving with Ethan and Marley’s parents where we all sit around their table and pretend everything is okay. I don’t remember the first Thanksgiving after Marley died, I was passed out drunk somewhere. The next Thanksgiving, her mother cried while Ethan, their dad, and I watched the game. By the third Thanksgiving we all acted like life was moving forward and so were we.
This is the sixth Thanksgiving and everyone is smiling because Ethan brought his girlfriend to dinner. When the hell did he get a girlfriend? Seeing him and Katie together drills a hole through my chest. She fits in perfectly with his family, and here I sit staring at the food on the table wondering what I’m doing here. Why do I spend every holiday with my dead wife’s family and not my own? I can’t remember the last time I visited my own parents, let alone spent Thanksgiving or Christmas with them.
Paul, Ethan’s dad, offers a prayer over the food and we all begin helping ourselves to the turkey, potatoes, stuffing, and everything else.
“My son tells me you’ve been seeing someone. Stacey, is it?” LeAnn, Ethan’s mother asks. My fork full of turkey stalls halfway to my mouth.
“Mom!” Ethan says, his tone sharp. LeAnn is one of the nicest people you’ll ever meet, but with her salt and pepper hair pulled back into a fierce bun, she looks like she could take a bite out of you before you even knew she was there.
“What?” she asks, glancing from Ethan, to me, and then to her husband. Paul sits in about the same position as me, his fork halfway to his mouth. “I think it’s great you’re finally seeing someone.”
“Not a good time, Mom,” Ethan says, shooting her a warning glare. Katie places her hand over Ethan’s and kisses his cheek.
“Maybe it’s good for him to talk about her,” Katie says, turning her attention to me. She’s a good-looking woman, shiny blond hair that falls in waves past her shoulders, deep blue eyes, a pinched nose, and full lips. She’s not typically the kind of girl Ethan dates.
“What is it you said you do for work, Katie?” I ask, clearing my throat. Something’s not sitting right with me. Ethan never hides who he’s dating.
Katie sits upright and her full lips turn up at the corners into a smug smile. “I’m the resident psychiatrist at the hospital where Ethan works.”
“Is that why you didn’t tell me about her?” My question is directed toward Ethan. His eyes close as his jaw tightens. “You decide to bring your little shrink girlfriend to Thanksgiving dinner to get inside my head? Well, I’ve got news for you, buddy. I don’t need anyone diving inside my head to tell me how screwed up I am.”
“Ace, that’s not—” Ethan says, but I cut him off when the palm of my hand slams on the table. It stings like hell, but I’m too far gone to care about it.
“Every damn day I live with the guilt and the pain of losing my wife. I should have helped her. We should have stopped trying to get pregnant.” My hands fly to my hair and I tug on it. I tug so hard I want to scream. “Jesus. Then I go and meet Stacey and she turns everything I know, everything I believe, upside down. She makes me feel like everything is okay, that it’s normal to fall in love and move on. And dammit, I want to move on, but it kills me thinking I’m betraying my wife.”
I scrub my hands over my face, drying the tears I can’t control.
“I don’t deserve a second chance, and I sure as hell don’t deserve a woman like Stacey.” Pushing back from the table, I stand up and storm into the kitchen. My chest is heaving as I gasp for breath. My heart is racing and the room is spinning—just what I need, a panic attack. I stand at the back door and slip down to the floor, bringing my knees up to my chest, and rest my head between them.
A warm hand falls to my shoulder, squeezes, and then wraps over my back. “I know my son has said it many times, but I think you need to hear it from me as well.” LeAnn pulls me closer and rests her head on my shoulder.
“Marley always was a bit dramatic growing up, you know that. We always thought it was because she was a girl and she was wired differently than her brother. Before the two of you started dating, she changed even more. So much so, we took her to see a doctor. One minute she was happy, but to the extreme. The next minute, she’d crash and hide in bed and refuse to leave her room.” LeAnn sighs and my chest constricts as she relives these memories. Things about Marley I never knew.
“The doctor diagnosed her as manic depressive. To be honest, I was in denial about it all. I kept wondering what I did wrong when I was pregnant with her. When the medications made her more like her old self, it was then I realized she really was unwell.”
“Why are you telling me this?” I ask, not sure I want to hear any more about her past.
“Because you need to release yourself of this guilt you carry around,” LeAnn says, squeezing my shoulders again. “After you two got married, Marley thought she had her depression under control. The thing about her was when she was doing good and she was stable on the medication, she thought she could go off it. When she told me you guys were trying to start a family, she quit the meds cold turkey. I could see her struggling to maintain her control on normal, but she slipped almost every day.”
“Why didn’t you or she ever tell me this? Hell, Ethan didn’t even know she was on medication.” I rake my hands through my hair, close my eyes as I take in every word LeAnn is telling me. Everything she’s telling me opens a new wound and a part of me feels lied to—almost tricked.
“Marley didn’t want Ethan to know. She felt embarrassed and ashamed that she needed medication to maintain what society thinks is normal. So we respected her wishes and didn’t tell him. The thing is, it was Marley’s choice to stop the medication. She knew the risks, knew the way her moods would swing for no reason. She wanted a child, and to her it was worth the cost.”
“We both wanted children,” I say, turning to LeAnn. Her eyes are glossy and red-rimmed. Tears have cut through the makeup on her cheeks. She pats my shoulder and rests her head on me once again.
“I know, honey. I should have told you about her condition. T
o be honest, I assumed she had told you. She should have told you so you two could have made a more educated decision about your future. Ace…I need you to listen to me very carefully. She loved you very much. I love you like a son, I always have. But it’s time for you to move on. Paul and I want you to fall in love and make a family with someone else. If it’s this Stacey girl, then make it happen. You do deserve to be happy and loved. You will always be a son in our eyes and nothing you could do will ever disappoint us.”
I laugh to hide how freeing her words feel. It’s like the sun is shining on my chest, wrapping me in warmth and light, releasing me from the guilt I’ve been holding on to all these years. I know I’ll still feel it every once in a while, but to know that Paul and LeAnn give me their blessing to move on…it’s…ahhh.
Like peace.
Freeing.
Calm.
And I know what I need to do.
Chapter 37
Stacey
Commuting seriously sucks. My hour drive in the summer in now an hour and thirty minutes or more if the roads are bad. I can’t bring myself to go back to the house I’m renting from Ace because I don’t want to be surrounded by things that make me think of him.
After Mom, Dad, and James flew back home the Sunday after Thanksgiving, I decided life needed to go on. Ace never called over the holiday, not that I necessarily thought he would. But I did hope he would realize he had feelings for me. Obviously, I was wrong, and Ethan was wrong, and even Reggie was wrong. I hate to say it, but Ace should be a poker player, because no one can seem to read him. He’d take everyone’s money before they knew what hit them.
That’s exactly what he did with my heart.
During my lunch break, I head to an apartment leasing company in Warner to speak with someone about finding a place to rent. I need to move out of Ace’s house if I’m going to move on with my life. When I step inside the brick building with the all-glass window front, a woman about my mother’s age greets me with a warm smile.
