Deserve A Chance

by Natalie Ann

  “Not in the least.”

  “So what was it like with your mother? I know she was young. Was she just immature?” she asked.

  “That’s putting things mildly. She couldn’t be bothered to be a parent. She left me with my grandparents and they did their best. More than their best. I think they still blame themselves for how she was with me, so they tried even harder. To this day, they still feel guilty over it and I can’t make them stop.”

  She could see him trying to, though. Giving them everything he could and everything he had.

  “Do you know what it’s like to sit in a dirty diaper for hours?” he said suddenly.

  She laughed, thinking he was joking, but looked at his face and realized he wasn’t. “You can’t possibly remember that.”

  “Of course I can. I was probably older than three when I stopped wearing them. I still had accidents for years. Trust me when I say I remember the embarrassment from it.”

  “Your grandparents let that happen?”

  “They didn’t really know. They were working all the time trying to support themselves, their daughter, and their grandchild. They thought she was caring for me, and she thought they were. Things get lost when no one is around, or people are tired and stressed.”

  She didn’t know what to say to that. “I’m sorry, Zach. I guess those are hard memories to have as a child. You were probably too young to even comprehend what you were feeling.”

  “Old enough to know it wasn’t right and I was upset. That it felt like no one cared.”

  That he wasn’t loved. She wondered now if that’s why he always had to tell people they loved him. Like he needed to hear it. A mental reinforcement of sorts.

  “It’s amazing the things we experience as kids and how they affect the rest of our lives.”

  “Yeah. My grandparents finally realized what was going on when I got a severe rash. They blamed themselves. Then they blamed my mother, but at least they started to pay attention more.”

  “And they regret that negligence, don’t they?”

  “At times. They’d feel worse if they knew more, so I didn’t tell them. To this day, there are things I’ll never reveal to them.”

  “Like what?” she asked, rubbing her hand on his back. He looked unnerved and almost unbalanced, something completely opposite of who he always was.

  “It doesn’t matter,” he said, shrugging his shoulder.

  “Sure it does. Share a little with me.”

  “I think I’ve shared more than enough,” he said, laughing. “Now you know I wet the bed for years, even my pants in school a few times. Try being the kid that wet himself, on top of being dirt poor.”

  “Yeah, well, I was the kid that never did what they were told. The one that was going to burn in hell. And trust me when I say money was tight, too. Lots of mouths to feed in our house. Most of our clothes were hand-me-downs through lots of generations.”

  “Guess we share some pretty horrific memories. I’m not sure if that makes me feel better or not. At least I was never told I’d burn in hell.”

  She laughed. She had to, or she’d cry. No, her mother never used those words to her directly, but it was implied enough. “I don’t know that talking about our childhoods is going to put either of us in a good mood. We could talk about our lives now, in the present. The sweet rides we both have,” she said, winking at him.

  “We could. But then I’ll be thinking about how I’m driving around in that and my brother and sister are being left home alone half the time.”

  “Be honest. Deep down, you knew what was going on, didn’t you?” How could he not by the sounds of it?

  “I had hoped otherwise. I know their father lives in town. I know they spend time with him. I guess I hoped it wasn’t as bad as what I’m hearing.”

  “It’s not horrible, Zach. There is a roof over their heads, one that you’re paying for.” Not surprising there, either. “The kids are skinny, but they’re eating, they told you that. They don’t get out and do much because money is tight, but they’ve got some nice things because you’re sending them more than most kids get from an older brother. You’re giving them parts of a youth you never had, and you know what? They appreciate it. I think deep down, you do too. You like knowing you’re helping them. And they don’t have it as bad as you, or as bad as you think. Unless you think they aren’t telling you the truth.”

  “I don’t know what the truth is. This is the most they’ve talked to me.”

  “Why is that?”

  “Because I stay away when my mother is in town. All she wants is a handout. I wasn’t good enough for her to stay around for as a kid. I was nothing but an unwanted mistake that slowed her down. When I turned out to be something important in her eyes, she wanted a part of it. No one uses me.”

  Another side of him she hadn’t expected to see. A harder side. Gone was the funny, carefree guy she met in Vegas and here was a man that she was pretty sure she wouldn’t want to piss off.

  “What about your father? You don’t know who he is?”

  “No. Never met him. At least, I don’t think so. He was just some teen that came to my mother’s school that year, then dropped out and left after she found out she was pregnant.”

  “Do you even know his name?”

  “I’ve heard it a few times in passing, but never specifically asked if he was my father. Just conversations I shouldn’t have heard as a kid. Why bother asking? He made it clear he wanted no part of my mother or the bastard he fathered. He’s probably not much better than her right now.”

  “Probably not. So how about we change the subject. I’m only here tonight and part of tomorrow and I’d rather spend it talking about us and not about our past.”

  “How about our future?” he asked.

  Her heart picked up speed. “What about our future?”

  “Where do you think it’s going?”

  “It’s early yet and hard to tell. I don’t have the flexibility in my job like you do,” she said. “I think Max felt bad knowing that with Rene going out next month, my workload is going to be nuts. He’s probably worried I’m going to quit on him and wants to remind me that he gave me this weekend off without me asking.”

  “Maybe we can make him feel a bit guiltier for the coming months when I visit again.”

  “When do you think that will be?” She didn’t want to sound needy, but for once in her life, she was feeling that way.

  “Let’s look at my schedule and yours tomorrow, and I’ll book my flight for a few days in January.”

  “That easy?” she asked.

  “It’s that easy. Trust me. I’ll come to you. I’ll come to you as long as you want me to. As often as I can. It doesn’t matter that it’s early yet. Time doesn’t mean a thing when it’s right.”

  “Is it right?”

  “I think so. The question is, do you think that?”

  “I’m beginning to.”

  Right Person

  Monday morning, Amber walked into her office and saw Rene sitting at her desk. “So how was your weekend with Zach?”

  “It was good. Too short actually, but still good. Did Cole bring you in today?”

  The snow was coming down hard and Amber didn’t see Rene’s SUV in the parking lot.

  “Of course. He’s worried I’ll drive off the road.”

  “It wouldn’t be the first time you did,” Amber said, remembering how Rene and Cole first came face to face after she moved here.

  “Best day of my life,” Rene said, giggling, then rubbed her belly.

  “Do you feel okay?”

  “Yeah. Just so uncomfortable. Less than a month to go at this point.”

  “It won’t be long, then I’ll be here with Dena covering for you.”

  “Sorry about that,” Rene said. “I know it gives you guys more work to do. And I appreciate you and Dena being flexible about the on-call shifts when Cole is working nights.”

  “No worries. We’ll figure it out. It’s not more wo
rk, you’ll just be on call longer when he has his day shifts and Dena and I will do the other weeks. It’s all good. We wouldn’t want you worrying about bringing the baby somewhere in the middle of the night if you were called in.”

  Rene nodded. “So how is Zach doing? You met Carol and George, didn’t you? What do you think of them?”

  “His grandparents are awesome. The type of grandparents everyone wishes they had.”

  “Yeah, but they weren’t just Zach’s grandparents. They were his parents in pretty much every sense of the word.”

  “I get that. He’s very protective of them. Sweet and caring, too, but protective.”

  “He has a lot to be thankful for,” Rene said. “I don’t know much about his life as a kid other than it was rough. Not just the money issues, but other problems with his mother.”

  “He’s told me some things.” Nothing she felt like sharing, though. “I guess I have a better understanding of him now, too.” Amber paused and then said, “Can I ask you something?”

  “Of course.”

  “Well, it’s not a question, not really. Just more an observation. His life seems so different there than when I see him here. It makes me wonder if he is two different people, and who the real Zach is.”

  Rene frowned. “Different how? He seems the same to me all the time.”

  “His house for one. It’s completely different than my style or what I would have expected from him. Though based on his childhood, I understand more why he likes sparkly shiny things.”

  “Not much different than you at times. You wear a lot of name brand clothes, aside from your car. You like the shiny things, too.”

  “I know. But it’s not like I have a lot of them. I wear scrubs all the time, so I don’t have that many casual clothes.”

  “So his house was different than yours,” Rene said. “How does that make him a different person?”

  “I know it’s a stupid statement. I mean, he bought his grandparents’ house and he said he spends more time there than at home. That he really only sleeps at home.”

  “And what did you think of his grandparents’ house?” Rene asked.

  “It was comfortable. Cozy, even though it was big for two people.” She didn’t realize until she said it that it showed more about his character and person that there was more care given to his grandparents’ home than his own.

  “Well, if it makes you feel any better, Nick’s house in Richmond is completely different than his one here.”

  “Is it cold?”

  “Actually, it is. Stale…dry, maybe. Like a decorator went in there and just made it look like a bachelor’s house in a magazine, and not a place someone lived.”

  “That’s it!” Amber said. “That is exactly how Zach’s place looked. There were no personal touches in it at all.”

  Not even the Christmas gift she gave him. He kept that on his desk at work and when she asked him why, he said because he wanted to see it when he needed a reminder of her the most and that wasn’t when he was home sleeping.

  “Then think nothing of it,” Rene said. “If you want to know the truth, I think they both hired the same person to decorate for them but they’d never admit it. I don’t see Nick or Zach buying half the things in their houses. It’s just stuff so it’s not empty when they go home.”

  “But the house is still empty, isn’t it?

  “I think so. I think that as outgoing and friendly as Zach is, deep down he’s a lonely guy.”

  Amber thought that, too, but didn’t want to voice it. Then she’d have to admit she shared that trait with him. “Nick’s his best friend. Did they spend a lot of time together when they lived in the same city?”

  “Not much time outside of work. I mean, both of them work a crazy amount of hours.”

  “But Nick has a personal life outside of work,” Amber said.

  “Now. He didn’t before.”

  “Do you think Zach could?” Amber asked, wondering what she might be setting herself up for thinking of a future with him.

  “Yeah. I know he could if he found the right person.”

  “Why are you grinning?” Amber asked.

  “Because now you’re wondering if you’re that person, aren’t you?”

  “Maybe.”

  ***

  At the end of the day Amber drove through the snow and went to her father’s church. Someone had cleared the sidewalk and she sincerely hoped it wasn’t her father. He was getting too old to do those things.

  She opened the door, the familiar scent of incense filling her nostrils. Quickly, she made her way to the candles all lined up on the metal shelving unit. Like individual soldiers standing guard over the spirits of loved ones.

  She grabbed a match, struck it against the side, and lit a candle, then closed her eyes for a moment.

  “Amber?”

  She turned to see her father standing there. “What are you doing here, Dad?”

  “I just stopped in for a quick moment and was going to lock the doors. It’s nasty out and I figured no one would be out today. What are you doing here?”

  She turned to face him, bundled up tight in a winter jacket that had seen more years than it should. If she made a comment on it, he’d tell her it still kept him warm so there was nothing wrong with it.

  “I’m just lighting a candle.”

  “For whom?” he asked.

  “Does it matter? It could be for a lot of people. I just felt like I needed to today.”

  There were a lot of people who could fall into the category that she’d light a candle for, though there were only two people on her mind at this moment.

  “That’s true and I shouldn’t pry. The fact you’re remembering a loved one and honoring them is enough.”

  True to form, her father let it drop. She never knew if it was to avoid conflict or he truly believed that there was good in people enough to not pry about their motives. She’d like to think the latter, but with her it was probably the conflict avoidance.

  “I’ll walk out with you,” she said. “Can I take you and Mom to dinner tonight?”

  She didn’t know what possessed her to make that offer. Maybe she wanted an olive branch with her mother, since she knew her mom was aware where she’d spent the weekend.

  “Mom has dinner cooking right now. You know it would be wasteful to go out when there is food at home. Why don’t you come on over?”

  “It’s probably best I don’t,” she said.

  “Yet you offered to take us out?” he asked, lifting his eyebrow.

  “In public, she’s less likely to give me the cold shoulder.”

  Her father laughed. “That’s true. Still, come home with me now and have dinner with us. Spend some time with family.”

  She wanted to say no, but realized she really couldn’t. She had no excuse. “You aren’t shoveling the sidewalk, are you?”

  “No. Matt comes and does it after school and I give him a few dollars. He’s a good kid. He’ll take care of it before school starts in the morning, too.”

  “And the furnace is running good now?” she asked, even though she knew the answer.

  “Yes. Just needed a few parts. Nothing more than that. I keep saying it has many years left in it.”

  “I should listen to you more then, Dad, shouldn’t I?”

  He laughed, and together they walked out of the church toward their cars. “Like when I say it’s awfully funny that the bill for the furnace was only a few hundred dollars even though they spent five hours working on it? I know that doesn’t cover labor, let alone the seven new parts I noticed, but the bill said three.”

  “It must have been your lucky day then.”

  “Sure. I have a lot of lucky days,” he said, grinning. “Let’s go have dinner with your mother. Then you can go home and have a glass of wine.”

  “I could run home first and get a bottle and we could both have one?” she offered.

  “I think you need it more than me. You can have two when you get home. O
ne for each of us.”

  “I’m sure I’ll need more than two after dinner, but I’ll stick with the one since I’ve got to work tomorrow.”

  He nodded, then said, “I’ll see you home in a few minutes.”

  She walked to her car, wishing she was going home. Her home, but instead she followed her father to her childhood home and prepared to have her night ruined. Nothing like a dose of guilt to make you want to grab a bottle.

  Too bad that was part of the reason she kept the wine in her house to begin with. She had more guilt than someone her age should. And though the alcohol was there, she never drank enough to forget no matter how much she wished she could…at least not anymore.

  It’s Always Me

  “So how was your day?” Zach asked, leaning back in his chair and putting his feet on his desk.

  “Interesting. How about yours?” Amber said back.

  “What was so interesting about it?” She’d sent him a text that she wouldn’t be home until close to eight, so he waited that long to call. Stopping and staring at the clock, willing time to fly by until he could hear her voice again. Too bad he wouldn’t be home for a few more hours himself.

  “Well, let’s see. Rene and I chatted about my short visit with you and your grandparents. She had some fond things to say about them.”

  “My grandparents have been included in some holiday gatherings at the Buchanan’s.”

  Zach loved that John and Susan did that often. Made his grandparents feel welcome in the area when they knew no one, when they moved from Alabama as the working poor to a middle-class development. He’d had years to transform himself from the hick down south, but his grandparents felt like they were moving to another universe and it was hard going in the beginning. They still shopped only sales as if every penny mattered. Some things were hard to break.

  “That’s sweet. I bet they really appreciated that.”

  “They did. They still do. So what else happened today?”

  “About ten inches of snow fell. Nothing new there, though. After work I ran to the church and my father stopped to talk to me. He invited me to dinner after I offered to take him and my mother out. He told me not to waste my money and go home with him to have dinner with my mother.”