First

by K. C. Wells

  Jack chuckled. “Relax, babe, I was just getting ready to call it a night.”

  Mike caught the sound of a whistling kettle in the background. Ah, Jack’s habit of drinking tea before bed. It was nice to know some things hadn’t changed.

  “What can I do for you? Have you had any more thoughts about my idea?”

  “Jack, am I selfish?” Mike blurted out.

  Silence. “You okay, Mike?”

  Mike sighed. “No. No, I am not okay. It’s been brought to my attention that I am a thoughtless, selfish prick. And you know what? It’s true.”

  “Whoa there.” Jack’s voice was soft. “Okay, you’d better start at the beginning.”

  Mike took a deep breath and let it all pour out of him: the porn shoot, Tommy’s unhappiness, Kevin’s summations, Mike’s own realizations…. “And he was right, Jack. Here I was, blaming all my exes for my own inadequacies.”

  “Hey, speaking as one of those exes, I think you’re being a little hard on yourself.”

  “You think?”

  Jack’s wry chuckle lifted him. “Babe, you may be selfish at times, but that doesn’t make you a bad guy, all right? Hell, we’re all selfish at times. What matters in this instance is that now you can see where you went wrong in the past. But I’m digressing. Right now you have a much bigger question to ask yourself.”

  “Go on.” Mike held the phone to his ear and rolled onto his side, the sheets cool against his bare skin.

  “Do you love Tommy enough to quit porn for him?”

  And there it was, the heart of the matter. Mike lay there, the question rolling around inside his head.

  “You wanna know what I think?” Jack continued.

  Mike laughed. “Since when has anything held you back from giving your opinion, ever?”

  “Fuck you,” Jack said good-naturedly. “Okay, for what it’s worth, here’s my take on it. Tommy hasn’t told you what to do, has he? He hasn’t come out and demanded that you quit porn. He hasn’t laid a guilt trip on you, but he has let you know, without words, what he needs.”

  “All of that is true.”

  There was a pause. “That boy is a keeper, Mike.”

  Mike laughed. “Tell me something I don’t know. I think I’ve already worked that one out for myself.”

  “Then there’s your answer. If you don’t want to lose him, then you do what you have to, to make sure you keep him in your life. And if that means giving up your porn career, then that’s what you do.” Jack laughed. “See? That was easy.”

  “The easy part is coming to that conclusion,” Mike said quietly. “The hard part is actually doing it.”

  “Ah, that’s not hard, not if you love him enough. And here we are, right back at my million-dollar question.” He chuckled. “Besides, it’s not like you’d starve, right? You’ve always been smart, saving money, investing it, for a day just like this. You still have your job at Woofs, don’t you? With all your bartending experience, you’re never gonna be short of work.” Jack paused, and when he spoke again, his voice was lower. “You don’t know how lucky you are, babe, having that to fall back on. And if you don’t believe that, just look at me. Why d’you think I had to do a one-eighty on bareback, huh? Because I didn’t have experience like yours.”

  Mike fell silent. Jack had a point.

  “Apart from the more practical side of giving up porn, there’s something else you need to think about. You’ve had a wonderful career as Scott Masters. You know that, right? I mean, we’re talking the Golden Tale of porn careers here.”

  Mike laughed, but he knew Jack was right. To have survived—no, more than that, he’d flourished—in such a fickle industry for as long as he had was something of a miracle.

  “But let’s face it, Mike. You don’t feel at home in porn like you once did, do ya? And I remember our conversations, back when we were really hot, where we agreed to retire before our laurels started to wilt?” Jack snickered, and Mike joined him. “Well, it seems to me this is as good a point as any to bid farewell to the world of porn. Go out while you’re still popular, while guys are still checking out every scene you release.” He fell silent for a moment, and Mike heard the sound of water pouring into a cup. “Well, was I any help?”

  “Yeah, you were,” Mike conceded. Talking with Jack always helped him to focus. “I guess all that’s left is to make a decision.”

  “Babe, you’ve already made it. So take my advice, get some sleep, and think about how you’re gonna word your resignation letter.” He chuckled once more. “Just how many studios will you be sending it to, anyway? I lose track of what the great Scott Masters is up to these days.” A pause. “Aw, who am I kidding? I still follow you, babe. I love you, always will.”

  “Love you too, Jack.” Mike wished him good night and disconnected the call. He placed the phone on the nightstand, switched off the lamp, and lay there in the blackness, his mind going over Jack’s words.

  When you put it like that, it does all boil down to that one question. And Jack was right. He already knew the answer to that one.

  There was only one more person to talk to before he made a move.

  “I THOUGHT you’d be bringing someone else with you.” Mom had been pouting ever since he’d turned up for Sunday lunch alone. She placed the dishes into the dishwasher while Mike made coffee. “Or had I not made myself clear on this?”

  Mike sighed. “Sorry, Mom, but there have been a few issues this week. I promise I’ll bring him next time.” That was providing everything worked out.

  She stopped in midaction and straightened. “Mike Scott, what have you done?”

  “What makes you think whatever it is has anything to do with me?” he asked indignantly, mimicking her posture, hands on his hips.

  His mom raised one eyebrow. “Because I know you, that’s why.” She peered intently at him. “Go on, prove me wrong.”

  “If I’d known you were gonna give me the third degree, I wouldn’t have come for lunch,” he grumbled as he poured coffee into the pot.

  Mom waited until he’d finished pouring before speaking. “What’s wrong, Mike?”

  He picked up the tray with the coffee and walked through into the sunny living room. Once he’d set it down on the table, Mike sat on the couch, elbows on his knees, hands clasped between them. “I’ve been thinking about retiring.”

  His mom froze and stared at him. “Well, I never.” Her smile lit up her face. “Really?”

  Mike had to chuckle. “Don’t have to be Einstein to figure out you like that idea.”

  She gave a roll of her shoulders. “Well, you’re not getting any younger.” She tilted her head. “‘Thinking’ implies you haven’t made up your mind yet.”

  “That’s because I wanted to talk to you first.”

  Her cheeks pinked up. “Aww, sweetheart, I’m flattered. But if you’re considering retiring”—she gazed at him thoughtfully—“what’s holding you back from making an outright decision?”

  “I guess it’s the whole ‘stepping out of my comfort zone’ thing. Doing porn feels safe.” Then he thought about it. Lately it hadn’t felt safe at all. In fact, the ground was starting to feel decidedly shaky.

  “What about this man? Y’know, the one you’re too scared to bring home to Momma? ’Cause you know that’s what I’m gonna think when you show up without him. My mind goes into overdrive.”

  Mike laughed. “His name is Tommy, and I promise, I will bring him to meet you. But what about him?”

  Mom pursed her lips. “Well, you talk about porn being comfortable, safe. Seems to me that if you have Tommy at your side, it makes stepping out of that world a little easier. Doesn’t it? Wouldn’t you feel safe with him?”

  He let her words settle on him, allowed them to permeate his thoughts. He felt safer with Tommy than with any of the men he’d let in previously. Only, he hadn’t let him in, had he? Tommy had slipped through Mike’s defenses like he was meant to be there. Slipped right on in there and made his home in Mike’s
heart.

  Mike was suddenly aware that all he could hear was the birds singing in the trees in the yard and the slow tick of the grandfather clock standing in the corner. Mom was gazing at him, smiling.

  “You’ll make the right decision,” she said emphatically. “Now why don’t you pour your momma some coffee, and then you can tell me all about Tommy.” She grinned, and her eyes sparkled. “Can’t wait to meet him.”

  He laughed as he poured out a cup. He couldn’t wait to see her face when she laid eyes on Tommy. He imagined his lover’s age might figure in the ensuing conversation. Not that it mattered to Mike.

  When you know, you know….

  TOMMY LAY in the darkness, listening to the sounds of the house in the early hours of the morning. Dawn was a long way off, and he wasn’t remotely sleepy. His brain didn’t have an off switch, apparently. All he could think about was Mike, the studio, Mike’s upcoming shoot….

  His phone had been quiet since Friday, but Tommy was hoping that was a good sign. He knew Mike had been working the last three nights as usual, and he hoped there’d been time for him to think about where they went from here. This last week, with little contact, had really brought home to Tommy just how much it meant to have Mike in his life. Not having him around made Tommy’s heart ache.

  Noise filtered through the blackness: the flush of the toilet, the pad-pad of bare feet, the sound of water running. Tommy waited for the sounds that told him his roomie was back in his bed. Ben had been quiet too. He hadn’t been out to the clubs during spring break, and Tommy had to wonder about that. Ben had stuck close to home, playing his games and watching TV. Tommy had seen the glances Caroline had sent in her son’s direction. Yeah, this wasn’t like him.

  “You awake?” Ben’s whisper came from behind the couch.

  “What gave me away?” Tommy asked, sitting up and switching on the lamp beside him. Ben stood at the end of the couch in his boxers, blinking in the sudden light.

  “You sound different when you’re asleep.” Ben came around to perch on the mattress.

  Tommy snickered. “Is that a polite way of sayin’ I snore?”

  Ben smiled. “Well, not snore exactly, but you do make some pretty cute noises.” He tilted his head. “You couldn’t sleep either?”

  “Nah.” Tommy grabbed a cushion and stuffed it behind his head. He tapped his temple. “Got too much goin’ on in here.”

  Ben flushed. “That was sorta what was keeping me awake too.” He drew his legs up onto the mattress and sat cross-legged. “Can we talk?”

  Tommy snorted. “We’re talkin’, ain’t we? And seein’ as both of us are havin’ trouble gettin’ to sleep, seems like the perfect opportunity.” He took in the way Ben rubbed his knee, his jumpiness, the lack of eye contact. “What’s wrong?”

  Ben blinked and then let out a sigh. “This business with Mike. This is all my fault.”

  Tommy stared at him. “How’d you work that out?”

  “Well, if I hadn’t said anything, you two would still be together.” Ben hung his head. “I saw how upset you’ve been this last week, an’ I guess I feel responsible.”

  The words were indistinct, but Tommy heard every one.

  “Me and my big mouth. If I hadn’t shown you that video, you’d be none the wiser.”

  “Whoa, now wait a minute.” Tommy sat up straight. “First of all, far as I know, Mike ’n’ me are still together. Leastways, neither of us have mentioned breakin’ up, okay?” His heart pounded at the thought. “An’ yeah, I have been upset, but not with you. Okay, so maybe at first I was a bit pissed, but I got past that. Mike should’ve told me. This is down to him, not you.”

  “You mean that?” Ben jerked his head up and looked Tommy in the eye.

  Tommy nodded. “You were lookin’ out for me. Can’t fault you for that.” He speared him with a look. “Your methods could’ve been better. That’s for sure.” When Ben flushed from his chest all the way up to his cheekbones, Tommy smiled. “But we’re past that. You’re still a good friend.”

  “I’m glad about that.” Ben sighed once more. “D’you really think you an’ Mike can get through this? ’Cause I gotta say, you’ve been so happy since he’s been around. And the two of you really did fit. I suppose it all comes down to you being able to date a porn star.”

  Tommy fell silent. He’d had this wonderful dream—though it might have been more appropriate to call it a fantasy—where Mike came to him and told him he was gonna quit porn. Lord knew, it was what Tommy wanted to hear with all his heart.

  But what if he doesn’t? What do I do then? The thought left him cold. Could I stay with him, even though he’s doin’ something that is totally against everything I believe?

  It was something that had crossed his mind countless times during the last couple of days.

  What would stayin’ with Mike in those circumstances do to my love for him? Would I love him any less?

  Tommy had to be honest. He didn’t know the answer to that one.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  MIKE PUSHED open the glass door and walked across the tiled floor to where Paul sat at the desk, engaged in a phone conversation. Mike took the opportunity to gaze up at the banners on the wall behind him. There were ManFactory’s finest models, and there he was, still among them. He couldn’t help frowning when he saw the newest addition. Chad stared down at him, wearing only a pair of scruffy jeans and that cocky grin.

  Like I didn’t see that one coming.

  “You okay, Scott?” Paul covered the mouthpiece of the phone, regarding him with concern.

  “Yeah, I wanted to—”

  “Sorry, here’s your paperwork. Can we talk later?” Paul thrust the clipboard into his hands and then spoke into the phone. “Yeah, sorry, you were saying?” He gave Mike an apologetic shrug and carried on talking.

  Mike shook his head. One of these days, Paul needed to ask for another receptionist to work with him.

  He passed through the wide doors that led to the studio and went straight into the admin room. From the sets came the clear sound of several guys fucking, at least three or four. Mike was in no mood to see. He flopped into one of the plastic chairs and stared at the paperwork attached to the clipboard. His last scene….

  He glanced around at the room where he’d sat so many times, chatting with his scene partners. Talk about the end of an era. A weekend of introspection had brought him to the conclusion that his friends were right. It was time to call it a day. Once he’d made the decision, he was amazed at how he felt. Had it been that much of a weight on his shoulders, to account for the lightness in both body and spirit that felt so wonderful?

  Maybe I should’ve done this years ago. It was a sobering thought. His life might have been so different. Yeah, but would I have met Tommy? The thought of life without him was even more sobering.

  Through the open door, he heard Alexa calling an end to the scene and voices raised as the actors went off to shower, all laughing and chatting. He would miss the camaraderie, his colleagues. Then he recalled a few of his scene partners through the years.

  Maybe he wouldn’t miss all of them.

  Mike sat quietly, recalling some of the great guys he’d filmed with, some of them still close friends.

  “Hey, Scott, I’m glad you’re early.” Tony entered the room and pushed the door shut behind him before sitting at the table with Mike. He glanced at the sheets in front of him. “Oh, good, you got your paperwork,” he said absently.

  First the door, now the distracted air. “Are you okay?” Mike asked him. “Because you don’t seem yourself today.”

  Tony took off his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “I wanted to catch you before the shoot to have a talk with you.”

  “Yeah, about that. I—”

  “Sorry, but this is important.” Tony leaned on the table, toying with the arm of his glasses. “The parent company who owns ManFactory made an announcement last night, which was then sent to their three studios in an e-mail.
There’ll be a press release later this week when they’ve had the chance to talk to all the models. Soon as I heard, I knew we needed to talk.”

  All the hair stood up on the back of Mike’s neck. “Go on,” he said slowly. He leaned back in his chair and folded his arms.

  Tony fidgeted, now rubbing the back of his neck. “It’s been decided that ManFactory will become a bareback only studio.” He swallowed and then fell silent, his gaze flickering up to catch Mike’s, his breathing quickening.

  Mike stared at him, lost for words for a moment. Then he began to laugh, softly at first but growing louder and heartier, until he was wiping the tears from his eyes. Tony gaped at him, bewildered. When Mike finally regained his composure, he nodded, smiling.

  “Thank you. Seriously, thank you.”

  “What… I don’t….” Tony sat back, speechless.

  “I walked in here this morning, ready to tell you this was it—I was retiring. I was gonna do this last shoot, because I didn’t want to leave you in the lurch.” Mike pushed the clipboard toward Tony. “But you know what? In the light of what you’ve just told me, I have no qualms about telling you to find someone else. After all, you just fired me.”

  Tony sat bolt upright. “What the fuck are you talking about? I didn’t fire you!”

  “No?” Mike folded his arms and regarded Tony steadily. “You know how I feel about bareback. Hell, everyone here knows that, because I’m not exactly quiet on the subject. So you knew damn well that if this studio goes down that route, there was no way in hell I would follow.” He lifted his eyebrows. “Oh, come on, Tony, be honest. Look how nervous you were, telling me. You knew how I was gonna react. Well, you did me a favor. You just confirmed that I’ve made the right decision.” He gave the director a sweet smile. “Okay, so maybe you didn’t fire me exactly, but the end result is the same—I quit.”

  Tony sagged into the chair. “Honest, Scott, that wasn’t my intention. It was the owner’s decision. I—”