The Line Below

by Ali Dean

“You sure you’re all right?”

  His question is tinged with what sounds like genuine concern, and I guess I understand it. If I saw a teammate sitting in the empty stands by herself on a Saturday night, I’d wonder what was up, too. It’s been a long time since he acted all weird about “us” – and maybe I was too hard on him. After all, we did have something. At the very least, ongoing attraction, and probably more than that for me, or else I wouldn’t have kept sleeping with him.

  “You know, I didn’t really give you a chance to have that talk you wanted when Jett and I first got together. That probably wasn’t totally fair of me. I guess we can talk now if you want?”

  We’re here, in a public place, and no one else is around. It’s as good a time as any to clear the air since we still have another year and a half on the same team together.

  He sits on the bench, and I follow, keeping a healthy distance between us.

  “I know I didn’t deserve an explanation. That we have never really talked about what we were. But you meant something to me, Shay. Still do, but I get it, I can’t say that anymore.”

  “It seems like you only felt that way once I got with Jett,” I point out the obvious.

  He sighs and puts his feet up on the rail like I had mine earlier, gazing out over the empty pool, shadowed in darkness. “I know it seems that way. My feelings didn’t change for you when you got together with him, but I realized I finally had to say how I felt, what I wanted. I’d always wanted you, but I wasn’t sure you wanted me the same way, so I just let it ride. I didn’t want to push it and scare you off if I tried to make it more.”

  I let that sink in, re-run our time together from that perspective. He always played it so cool, I had no idea he felt strongly. I wasn’t even sure I was different from any other girl he hooked up with. “Why’d you hook up with other girls then? I was only with you.”

  “You were?” His question is hopeful, and it surprises me.

  “Yeah. You thought I was hooking up with other guys?”

  “I didn’t think so but wasn’t sure. Like I said that night,” he says, then pauses, cringing. “I thought of you as mine even if I didn’t say it. Guys on the team knew and I think most dudes basically knew too, which is why I was pretty pissed Jett came on the scene.”

  Maybe it’s not totally delusional when he puts it like that. I mean, all the girls on the team knew I hooked up with Julian and didn’t touch him because of it. If I was more social, girls outside the team probably would have known too. So him saying those things that sounded so crazy a couple months ago might not have been quite so crazy.

  “I’m not going to apologize for being with Jett.” He still didn’t answer my question about why, if he really was so into me he kept being with other girls. I get why he didn’t say anything to me but he could have made himself available so that if I did want more with him, I would know he did too. After being with Jett, who cuts right through the BS and goes for it, Julian’s convoluted explanation for why things went down the way they did with us, well, it seems pretty immature. And not really that consistent with what I know about Julian, or thought I knew. He’s always come across as so confident, even arrogant, since we were kids. It’s what made him seem so untouchable and crush-worthy.

  Deciding that’s enough deep conversation with Julian Reed, I stand up. He got to say his piece, and we don’t need to hash it out anymore.

  He takes the cue, thankfully, and we head up the stairs. When he starts to follow me out the front doors, I remind him of his phone. “Oh yeah. Do you want to wait so I can walk you back?”

  I want to roll my eyes. If you give a mouse a cookie…

  Better not give him a glass of milk too or he’ll never leave. “Nah, I’m good.”

  He doesn’t try to hide his disappointment and I sigh as he turns to go the locker room. I felt good about playing my part, letting him get some closure by saying what he had to say or whatever, but clearly, he still needs to get over it… wait.

  Is that a cell phone in his back pocket?

  My eyes narrow before I spin around and walk quickly out the door, my heart racing. That was a cell phone, I’m almost certain of it. It wasn’t square like a wallet, and the top was peeking out. He lied to me.

  Maybe he was getting something out of his locker that he didn’t want to tell me about. Like condoms, or a teddy bear he sleeps with? No, my sixth sense was right. I’m not crazy. He was following me. No, not following me necessarily. Maybe he just saw me go in the building as he was walking by and was curious what I was doing. But then why didn’t he just say so? And why wait ten, twenty minutes, however long I was sitting there, before saying anything?

  I don’t even realize I’m jogging until I start to pass two girls on the sidewalk.

  “Shay?” It’s Beatrice.

  “Shay, what are you doing?” Kick asks.

  I look around, paranoid. “Let’s get back and I’ll tell you.”

  They keep glancing at me as we make our way inside and up the stairs. I’m the level-headed one, so I think I’ve got them kind of freaked out. And when we get to our kitchen and I finally tell them why I’m freaking, they’re right there with me.

  “Shay, we have to tell someone,” Kick says.

  “Like who?”

  Beatrice suggests campus security. Kick says the police.

  “What am I going to say? He hasn’t actually done anything.”

  “What about when he showed up at our condo?” Kick asks. “I locked the door. I’m almost positive. I wasn’t sure if Beatrice was home when I left, so I would’ve locked it.”

  “Are you sure? You think he has a key? I never gave him one. How would he get it?”

  “It’s easy to get a copy made at a hardware store. He could’ve taken one of ours and put it back without us noticing.” Beatrice is intimidating with her arms crossed, in business mode.

  “You really think he’d do that?” I squeak out. “This is crazy.”

  “Just tell campus security, at least,” Kick urges.

  “I don’t know what they’re going to do. Should we change the locks, just in case?”

  Beatrice says she’ll do it tomorrow.

  “I had a pretty normal conversation with him at the pool. I’ll feel so weird reporting him for stalking me. It doesn’t feel right.”

  Beatrice purses her lips. “What? Him stalking you or you reporting him?”

  “Me reporting him. I don’t even know what I’d say. Two months ago he was at our house and we think he let himself in with a key but maybe it was unlocked. They’ll then ask if he’s done it since and I’ll say no, not after we told him not to. Then I’ll tell them I think he followed me because he said he was getting his phone but I saw it in his pocket already. I mean, seriously, what are they going to do with that?”

  Kick sounds defeated when she agrees it’s not much. “What if we add that he’s always staring at you?” I think she means to be serious but we all let out shaky laughs. It sounds so ridiculous, even if all three of us feel that it’s real.

  “Okay, so what if he’s obsessing about me, it’s not like he’s going to do anything, right? He’s not posting sex videos of us online or anything.”

  Beatrice mutters, “As far as you know.”

  “This sucks,” Kick and I say at the same time, but we don’t laugh. It really does suck.

  The doorbell ringing has all us wide-eyed. Beatrice signals for us to stay put and looks through the peephole before opening it. It’s Jett. Sweaty and flushed. I want to jump him.

  “Am I interrupting something?” he jokes as he steps inside, seeing the serious expressions on our faces.

  “Nope,” I answer quickly. Jett can’t know about this. He’ll flip.

  “I’ve been texting you. Everything okay?” I pull my cell out of my own back pocket to see a few missed messages.

  “Sorry, we just got back.” I walk over to him and take his hand, pulling him to the stairs. I want him to myself, and I don’t want the girls
saying anything about Julian. “You looked hot on the track.”

  “Thanks.” He flashes me a grin and follows me up the stairs.

  “Did you come right over? I saw your family there. I thought you’d want to spend time with them.”

  “They left after the 200. It was late for the kids. Did you stay? I didn’t see you after the 200 either.”

  How to handle this one? “I didn’t feel great, actually. But then I wasn’t really paying attention and walked to the pool instead of the condo. I guess I’m just really tired.”

  It seems like weeks ago that Hailey revealed Jett’s past to me, not just a couple hours ago. Suddenly, I’m totally exhausted. Even as I lead Jett into the bathroom and start the shower, helping him peel off his clothes, my motions are slow and sleepy. Still, my body aches for him in the midst of the emotional drain.

  When we step into the shower together, Jett holds me to him. “I’m going to miss you over winter break.” It’s an open and vulnerable statement, one I never would have second-guessed before. I wish I could just take it for what it is, but this doubt inside me is an ugly thing, and it warps his words, makes me wonder if they are as real and simple as they sound.

  “It’s only a few days,” I tease, brushing it off. Winter athletes only take a few days off for Christmas and return before New Year’s. While the rest of the students have almost a month off campus, we’ll be here, grinding away. It’s actually my favorite time because we get to pretend to be professional athletes, with no classes or other obligations, until the second semester starts.

  “I know, but I’ve seen you almost every day since we met. You’re part of the family now.”

  I look up at him, my smile shaky, hating the barrier I’ve put between us. “I talked to Hailey tonight.” I have to tell him. I can’t stand having it between us, and I want him to make it better, explain it away.

  “Oh yeah?” His arms loosen a little on me, and I take the opportunity to turn away and lather my hair with shampoo.

  “Well, really she talked to me.”

  “Oh shit, Shay, I’m sorry. What’d she say?”

  I think he’s expecting it to be about me being white and how Jett really should be with a black girl, someone more like him. He looks shocked when I tell him what she really said.

  “She told you about my ex?” Jett looks confused. “Why would she do that?”

  “She wanted to explain why she had a problem with me when you first brought me around. She said it was because I looked like your ex. What’s her name?” I’d rather keep calling her “the ex” but curiosity gets the better of me.

  “Sara,” he says dismissively. “You’re nothing like her.” I try to listen for bitterness, any sign he’s still wounded by what happened, but I can’t tell.

  Swallowing, I ask quietly, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “That I had a high school girlfriend or that she cheated on me?” Okay, now he sounds bitter, but I get the feeling it’s directed at me, not Sara.

  “Well, both. It sounded like it was really serious, that you guys were going to go to the same college.”

  Trying to distract from the weight of the conversation, I push him lightly out of the way so I can put my head under the water to rinse out the shampoo. He usually steps in to help me for this part, but not this time.

  “I don’t really want to talk about her with you, Shay.” He’s stern but soft too, like he’s protecting me by stopping the conversation. His reluctance to talk about it is the opposite of what I need. It means he still has emotions about it. That it would hurt him, or me, to bring it out in the open.

  I finish rinsing my hair and skip conditioner. A lump has formed in my throat and I’m afraid if I try to talk I’ll start crying. Ducking my head and step out of the shower, I try to go through my typical post-shower routine without letting on that I’m about to lose it. I wrap my hair up in a towel, put another one around my body and tuck it in. Lotion on my legs, cream on my face, thankful for the steam covering the mirror so he can’t see me. I can feel his eyes on my back, but he doesn’t say a word.

  As soon as I’m out of the bathroom, I take a huge, deep breath, several of them, and will the tears not to come. It doesn’t work.

  Jett shuts the shower off too quickly, and I don’t have time to recover. Quickly, I change into a tank and undies and slip into bed, just as he comes out. I’m facing away from him, feeling stupid. He must think I’m so childish, pouting and sulking like this, but really I’m trying desperately not to let him see how badly I’ve overreacted, how much I’m affected by all this. He doesn’t know I was already emotionally wrung out from Julian, that it wouldn’t take much to break me tonight.

  I don’t know if he’s going to just go home now, if he’s mad, annoyed, or indifferent. I don’t even know if I want him to leave or stay. When he slides in next to me under the covers and wraps his arms around me, pulling me tight into his warm body, relief washes over me. Okay, I guess this is what I wanted.

  “I didn’t want to talk about Sara with you, Shay, because bringing an ex into a conversation when we’re naked, or in bed, seems wrong. Disrespectful to you. I don’t know what’s going through your head right now, but that’s the truth.”

  “Okay,” I whisper, thankful for the only explanation he could possibly give that wouldn’t hurt me right now.

  “But if you need to hear it so you stop thinking whatever you’re thinking, I’ll tell you.”

  He pauses, waiting for me to stop him, before going on.

  “She was my first real girlfriend. I thought I was in love, but I wasn’t. We were both planning to go to Cal U anyway, it wasn’t like we were making a sacrifice to go to the same school. I wanted to go here because of Coach, and it was close to my family. She wanted it for the same reasons, swimming, familiar since it’s close to home. A lot of kids at our school were going to Cal U. When I found out she cheated on me, it sucked. It hurt my ego mostly, but I was also relieved, even if I didn’t see it that way at the time. Deep down, I didn’t want to be with Sara forever, but it was hard to admit it.”

  “Really?” I know he’s probably just saying that for my benefit, but I’ll take it anyway. Hailey made it sound like Jett was devastated.

  He laughs. “I was all pissed off about it and it was big news around school, but I got over it pretty quick. Having a hot girlfriend in high school who thinks you’re the shit is fun and cool or whatever. It’s not deep. At least for me, it wasn’t.”

  I’ve already told Jett I had a high school boyfriend, but not much about it. “Yeah, it wasn’t for me either.”

  “This is different.” He’s whispering, but his voice is strong and confident. “For me, this is deep. Us. Do you feel it?”

  I turn around so we’re nose to nose. “Yeah, Jett, I feel it.”

  “Fell in love with you on the dance floor,” he says as he rests his forehead on mine. “But I’m in deep now.”

  He kisses my cheeks, salty from dried tears.

  “Me too. That’s why it hurt to hear you might have had it before, been here before,” I make myself admit.

  “Nope. Just you, baby.”

  His kisses are shifting from sweet to serious real fast, and I need to get something else out before the mood takes over.

  “I was scared, Jett. Scared this wasn’t real for you like it is for me. That you picked me because of her.” It sounds silly now, even if hours earlier the doubt had me in knots.

  Jett stops and gives me an incredulous look. “You serious?”

  “I guess I was just having a moment.” I’m embarrassed by my cliché neediness and wish I hadn’t shared that last part with him.

  “Shay Spark, don’t you doubt us again.” His command leaves no room for argument. “Just because I knew you were mine fast doesn’t mean it’s a fragile thing. Some people fall slow, some fast.”

  “We were really fast.”

  “Yeah.” He grins, and the joke there is too easy, it doesn’t even need to be said.r />
  I soaked in my time with Shay leading up to winter break. Yeah, we’d only be apart five days, but we’d seen each other almost every day for two months now, and five days was gonna be rough. On the last Saturday before break, we met up after our workouts to drive to the beach. It was an overcast day, not the best beach weather, but it meant we got it mostly to ourselves.

  After walking barefoot up and down the shore we settled in to watch the crashing waves and the sunset. Shay nestled between my legs, and I nuzzled her neck, inhaling the clean citrusy scent of her shampoo and body wash. This girl, she made everything sweeter. And her trust in me, I didn’t know how I’d earned it and I hoped I never lost it.

  “You have freckles year-round, huh?” I asked as I pulled her sweater to the side to brush my lips along her shoulder.

  She let out a little moan at my touch before answering. “Yeah, wait till mid-summer. I’ll be totally covered in them.”

  I loved that it was a given I’d be kissing her freckles six months from now. “I love your freckles,” I told her as I nipped one at her collarbone and she arched her neck, allowing me to trail my way up to her lips. She tilted back so our mouths could meet. I pulled away, letting her eyes open and meet mine. “And I love you, Shay. Everything about you.” She blinked and smiled before swiveling her body to face me. She had to know already how I felt. I’d said it in other ways.

  I pulled her around me so she was straddling my hips. “I was wondering when you’d say so. I knew it already. Felt it.” She leaned her forehead on mine and held my face in her hands. “I love you too, Jett Decker. I just had to wait for you to say it first.”

  I laughed at that and she scrunched her nose. Fucking adorable.

  “I know you. You’re a guy. Guys like to think they’re in control of relationships,” she teased, but she wasn’t wrong.

  “I am in control,” I said with mock indignation. She had me wrapped around her little finger, whether she knew it or not. If this woman asked me to strip naked and run in the ocean right now, I’d do it. If she wanted me to come home with her for winter break, piss off my ma and sisters by missing Christmas, I’d do that too. But, thankfully, she just rolled her hips and found that yeah, I was hard, like I always was when she was near. I kept thinking I’d get used to her and not react like a fifteen-year-old boy every time, but no such luck.