The Mirrored World

by Debra Dean

  It was my habit to watch his performances from the wings, where I could not be seen. Sitting in the house meant suffering the many eyes that peered at me from behind fans, the trail of titters that attended my coming or going. “The musico’s wife,” they would whisper, and I knew they were thinking of what we did in our bed.

  And so, on the first evening, after I had helped Gaspari with his dressing, I tucked myself behind a bit of scenery, where I should be out of the way.

  Saletti took the stage in his gold turban and striped robes, assumed a pose, and without yet singing a note brought the audience to a cheer. When he had drunk his fill of it, he began to sing. He was indeed past his strength, though not so terrible as my husband had portrayed him. I looked over to Gaspari, who stood in the shadow of the proscenium awaiting his own entrance. His painted features twisted at each wavering note, and I worried that he might turn and leave the theatre. But as I watched, he closed his eyes and shook loose his long limbs.

  As Saletti scaled the last treacherous note of his aria, Gaspari strutted onto the stage, swishing his purple robe in glorious arcs of color, and planted himself in the center of the footlights. He did not wait even a beat after Saletti’s last note before he began to sing himself, and thus he deprived the older musico of any applause. For the length of the opera, Gaspari greatly embellished his part, departing from the score to weave in filigrees of trilling and florid ornamentation. The battle between Alexander and the Indian King for the love of Cleofide was a contest also between the two musici, and it was one that Saletti could not win. To hear them singing together was to see history reenacted and to understand how Alexander had so thoroughly vanquished and humiliated India.

  At the end of the second act, Gaspari finished his final aria with an exquisite messa di voce, sustaining a single note, letting it swell and then fade almost to nothing before it rose again like a phoenix. The audience was stirred to its feet and shouted its bravos. Rather than exiting, Gaspari remained near the lip of the stage as Saletti sang, that he might relish the unflattering comparisons being made in the house.

  This triumph did not appease Gaspari’s pricked vanity. He talked more frequently of quitting Russia—moving to Italy or even to Paris, where the climate was more temperate and he might be better appreciated—but he was too much rewarded in the employ of Her Imperial Majesty to give it up as yet for uncertain prospects. And so we continued to live a quiet life in the shadow of the court.

  There was little left in the house to remind me of Xenia. So many of the furnishings had been sold or given away, and the repetitive tasks of domesticity—the sweeping and cleaning and polishing—gradually erased her signature from what remained. I did not forget her, but the sharp pain of her loss softened and became like a swollen joint or weakened back. One accommodates the ache, and it becomes a part of you.

  Because I could have no expectation of children, I had schooled myself not to want them, having learnt from Xenia the peril of unchecked longing. I managed the household well and was attentive to my husband’s particular needs, keeping the stove fueled at night in the worst of winter and tucking cooked stones wrapped in flannel round his feet. When in spite of this he took ill, I stayed at his bedside and fed him strong broths. I also learnt to prepare dishes of his birthplace and even taught myself some few phrases of Italian that he might feel himself more at home here. As Xenia had for Andrei, I brought him warm kvas with honey and herbs for his throat. However, what had been at the heart of that little gesture—a passionate and unreserved love—I could not give. Perhaps I was unwilling to fall again into the abyss that had so frightened me on the first night of our marriage. I think I held myself a little apart.

  Did he sense any shortcoming in my heart? I do not know. I think we were happy enough.

  Season followed season, each alike except for the small changes that every year brings—a new opera or a new way to wear a wig, shifts in alliances between person and person or country and country—diversions that fill our days with seeming import but are then displaced by whatever newer thing follows. At some point during this time, the Empress engaged the architect Rastrelli to design a splendid new masonry palace on the site of the old Winter Palace. For this work, thousands of laborers were absorbed into the city and took up residence in huts near the site. They labored there for years, the enormous structure rising by such slow increments as to seem unchanging, as though it had always been there in its unfinished state.

  The war begun against Prussia in 1756 also rumbled on ceaselessly, a tidal ebb and flow of battle lines that washed over the whole of Europe but was present to me only in the person of my brother, Vanya. Cut off by my family, I had no news of him until his death at Züllichau, which I learnt of when the rolls were published in the papers. In a dull fog, I was on the point of traveling to the country to console my parents, but Gaspari prevented it. “There is nothing there for you, Dashenka,” he said. “They do not love you. I am all your family now.” After that, I did not take an interest in the war again until I was forced to by circumstances that I will relate.

  On Christmas Day of 1761, the tolling of the bells brought news of the death of Her Imperial Majesty. I remember feeling no shock. She was old—or so it seemed then, though it occurs to me that she was younger by several years than I am now—and she had been ill for so long, her death predicted so repeatedly that when it arrived it felt like the exhalation of a long-held breath.

  No one of our acquaintance was happy at the prospect of her nephew, Grand Duke Peter, taking the throne, but I did not anticipate how this would change our lives or with what suddenness. Within two days of her death, the new Emperor dismissed the Italian Company from the service of the court. Only a fortnight before, Elizabeth had issued a decree to recruit more actors and musicians for the troupe. Now he ordered the theatre shuttered, with all its stock of scenery, effects, machinery, and costumes left inside to molder. Peter moved himself into the dead Empress’s still-unfinished palace and set about to wipe clean from memory all the graces of her reign.

  Gaspari was then suffering the annual toll that our winters took on him, a perpetual weariness from always being cold, but this seeming reversal of his fortunes had a tonic effect. His spirits rose at the news and for this reason: there was nothing to keep us here any longer. He might now return to Italy. He had succeeded in putting by more than enough funds to keep us in comfort until he found a position. We might go first to the village where he had been born. He happily anticipated showing it to me—the terraced hills with their low stone walls, the lion’s head over the door of his mother’s house—and, in turn, showing me to his relations. These were, by his account, most all of the village.

  I made an effort to share his joy, but he knew me too well not to feel the thinness of my enthusiasm. “I know what I ask, Dasha . . . but I will die if I stay here.” And then he tried to cheer me with this: so much of Petersburg, the palaces and canals and bridges, were but poor copies of what I should find in Italy. “And everything looks more happy there,” he added, “because it is where it belongs.” He wrote to his mother with the news that he was coming home and bringing with him his Russian wife.

  The war had made private travel treacherous, and the route to Italy passed through Prussia, where we could not go. However, in his eagerness to quit Russia, Gaspari found a means. An envoy to the ministry at Leipzig had been appointed to announce His Majesty’s accession to the throne and would leave on this mission shortly. Gaspari approached Countess Stroganova, who was a devoted follower of the new Emperor, and secured from her the favor of our being attached to Prince Bezborodko’s travel party.

  I gathered together the household and said that I wished to free them to settle their own futures. If they had a place to go, I would see to their papers; if not, they might serve my aunt Galina Stepanovna. With many tears, we began to pack our belongings that we should be ready to leave within the week. Passports were arranged for Gaspari
and me, and because I could not bring myself to sell it, the house was put with an agent to let.

  Christ instructed his disciples not to lay up their treasure on earth but in Heaven. For where your treasure is, there shall your heart be also. But the heart stubbornly attaches itself to familiar places and things and would rather have these, no matter how humble, than to exchange them for the promise of what is glorious but unknown. That Italy’s skies would be as yellow as Paradise did not console me; I preferred the granite shadows of this most bleak and most beautiful city. Even the history of my sadness here was dear to me.

  On the day before we were to set out, I made to bid our dear Empress good-bye and joined the thousands of mourners lined up outside the old wooden palace where she lay in state. Though she had been his benefactress, Gaspari could not risk his health by lingering out of doors, but he urged me to go and to say his prayers for him. I was glad for the time to be alone with my thoughts; the grave sky and the mournful aspect of the crowd were well tuned to my mood.

  I waited several hours to gain entrance to the death chamber, standing behind two women whom I took by their conversation to be soldiers’ wives. Reflecting that where I was going I should not hear my native tongue, I sucked in the earthy sounds of it. They began talking of the rumor that our new Emperor Peter would suspend hostilities against his beloved Frederick, the Emperor of Prussia.

  “No, surely not,” said one, “not with victory so close.”

  The other raised her brow meaningfully. “They say he speaks German with his advisors.”

  My thoughts wandered elsewhere until I heard one of the women speak a familiar name. Andrei Feodorovich. “She foretold this, you know,” the woman continued to her companion. “I saw her outside the church. She was tearing at her clothes and crying out to passersby to go home and bake blinis.”

  Hope startled awake in me, coursing into my veins as sudden and violent as a spring river.

  “For a funeral supper?” the one woman asked.

  The other nodded gravely. “What else would you make of it? And two days later, Her Majesty was dead.”

  “Excuse me.” I interrupted their talk. “Who is it you are speaking of?”

  “The Empress,” she answered.

  “Yes, yes, but you heard someone foretell her death?”

  The woman nodded.

  “Whereabouts was this church?”

  The woman’s features stiffened at my abruptness. “In St. Matthias parish,” she said, and then turned back to her friend.

  “Please,” I implored. She eyed me once more, warily. “Just answer me this. Was the person’s name Xenia Grigoryevna?”

  “No.”

  In spite of this, I left my place in the line and hired a droshky to take me straightaway to the church in St. Matthias.

  We crossed the river and drove until we came to a shabby neighborhood within this poorest of boroughs. Tumbledown wooden houses, shops, and huts were crowded together like broken teeth, seeming to be kept upright only by their leaning against one another. The unpaved streets were a quagmire, with pigs and starving dogs rooting about in the filth. The air was pestilential, and I kept my handkerchief over my face to blunt the stench. When we came upon the church, I leapt down from the droshky and hastily made my way to its steps.

  I found no dearth of the afflicted there, but Xenia was not among them, nor did anyone know her name.

  The repeated denials, and the sights and smells of this benighted place wore down my resolve and allowed a small, sensible voice within me to be heard. Why have you come here? The woman said that it was not Xenia. And there are many in the world by the name of Andrei Feodorovich. Would you be like her, seeking meaning in every coincidence?

  Go with your husband to Italy. Everything is dead for you here.

  Chapter Thirteen

  I looked out the carriage window as we passed through the gate of the city and were swallowed into the forest. Later, the terrain changed to wintry swamp and meadows, with snow spread like linen over the sleeping earth. Except for a few feathery stands of birch, the panorama, earth to sky, was unbroken and peaceful. How does the soil rest, I wondered, where it is always warm and never dormant? But beside my misgivings was also curiosity. I had conjured pictures of a place that was like Petersburg in summer, but covered in vines, and I had peopled it with the Italians at court. The Italy of my imagination was a land of dark-eyed women and musici.

  Gaspari kept up a steady conversation with an aide to the Prince, with whom we shared the carriage. I can only guess at what this aide must have thought privately of us, the Italian musico and his Russian wife, but when traveling one must put aside the scruples that govern one’s choice of company in the city, and Nikolai Yakovlevich was a young man of lenient character, not above being entertained by Gaspari. As I have mentioned, my husband was an excellent gossip, and our departure from Petersburg had freed him of any remaining constraints on his tongue. He felt no need for discretion, for he intended never to return there. His mood was expansive and, fueled by frequent draughts of vodka to keep off the cold, he amused himself and the young man with his appraisals of Petersburg’s fools and fops. When we stopped at an inn for the night, he ordered warm kvas and invited Nikolai Yakovlevich to sit by the stove with him that they might continue their talk.

  “This I will say—” He rubbed life back into his hands. “She was strong as a man. No other country could a woman rule. I think it is these winters. It makes the woman . . . what is the word I want?”

  Nikolai Yakovlevich smiled genially but was too politic to supply any word.

  “Bold,” Gaspari pronounced. “That is it. These Russian woman is like new steel that is put in cold water to harden.” He gauged the young man’s expression and smiled ruefully. “I do not offend by this? Good. I admire. Myself, I was not made for this cold. I am like the little songbird that forget to fly away when the summer ends.”

  At Novgorod, we left the road I knew and turned west to the sea. The journey from here to Riga is three long days at a gallop but five at the Prince’s more leisured pace, for he disliked being woken early. When poor horses were all that could be had at a post station, we added yet another day.

  By the fourth, Gaspari’s spirits had subdued. He grew listless and quiet. Following Nikolai Yakovlevich’s glance out the window, he said, “White and white and then more white. Not a pretty village even to relieve the—” He coughed into his handkerchief. “Pardonnez-moi, to relieve the dullness. If you will travel on to Italy with us, my friend, you shall see such pretty villages.”

  On the fifth day, Gaspari gave off talking entirely and huddled quietly under a fur lap robe, jounced out of a sluggish doze every so often by a rough patch of road or a fit of coughing. By the time we arrived in Riga, he was unmistakably ill.

  We were to be guests there of the Governor General, in a castle which housed the local administration. It was an ancient, formidable hulk seemingly little changed in centuries. The Governor greeted the Prince and his entourage and escorted us into a gray hall that was more frigid than the out-of-doors. Here he made such ceremony of his welcome that Gaspari, unwrapped from his travel robes, began to shiver and look pale. I thought he might faint and was obliged to ask that he be shown directly to a room.

  In spite of its furnishings, the room where he was taken had the appearance of a dungeon. Its dank stone walls were ill-concealed by tapestries and breathed a chill that was not dispelled by the stove in the corner. There was no good in putting him to bed there, so I entreated one of the servants to see that the banya be heated and when this was done took him there that he might sweat out the ill humors. He stayed in the bath almost all of the night and into the next day.

  The Prince was to dine that evening with the Governor General, and it had been expected that Gaspari would sing. Much had been made of this, for though the Governor kept a serf orchestra, there was little variet
y to his entertainments. But when Nikolai Yakovlevich came to inquire after Gaspari, I had to tell him there was no question of it—though my husband’s color was somewhat better, his lungs were still so wet that he had only been able to sleep by being propped upright. In truth, I doubted that he should be well enough to travel the next day.

  Nikolai Yakovlevich studied his hands, his mouth twisting thoughtfully. “I regret that the Prince’s chief concern must be the mission entrusted to him.”

  His meaning broke over me like a sudden sweat. The Prince would not be inclined to delay his departure on account of an entertainer, more particularly one who could no longer entertain. Nor could we follow at a later time across the Prussian border, not without the diplomatic protection afforded by the crown. If Gaspari could not travel tomorrow, our only recourse would be to remain in Riga until he was recovered and then return to Petersburg.

  “Perhaps he will be more rested by morning,” I said.

  “We must pin our hopes to that.”

  Gaspari would not hear of either staying or turning back. Feeble as he was, he insisted that he should be better on the morrow. “If I must sing for my supper tonight, I will do this also.” He rose and made to dress.

  Never before had I seen him risk his voice for any cause. Not even Her Imperial Majesty could command a performance from him if he was sick. Yet, had he been able to dress unassisted, I do not think I could have dissuaded him from his rash course.

  As it was, he was overtaken by a fit of coughing before he had gotten further than his stockings and garters. I helped him back into his bed.

  “If you would travel, you will need all your rest.”