Just Breathe

by Anna Leigh Keaton

  “Yes ma’am. Doctor Sayers is out of the office until the sixth. Long holiday weekend, you know. But she left a note to make an appointment with you.”

  Crystal swallowed hard. “Do—” She had to clear her throat. Panic settled in, making her heart thud hard in her throat. “Do you know what it was about the tests that she needed to speak to me about?”

  “No, ma’am. Only that there was something in one of your tests that she needed to see you about.”

  The cancer is back.

  Dizziness swamped her. She rubbed her fingers across her forehead and told herself to breathe.

  “Doctor Sayers has only one opening on the sixth at three-thirty. May I schedule you in at that time?”

  She nodded.

  “Ma’am?”

  “Umm. Yeah. Fine.” The cancer is back. Tears burned her eyes. God damn it! No!

  “Okay, Ms. Jorgensen. I have you down for three-thirty on the sixth. See you then.”

  “Thanks,” Crystal said out of habit. She heard the click as the receptionist disconnected the call, but she still held the phone. The cancer is back. Oh, God.

  The tears fell, streaking down her cheeks. Her hands shook. She finally found the presence of mind to hang up the phone when the beeping pierced her numbness. How was she going to tell the uncles? How could she put them through this again? And Dex. Dear God, Dex...

  She glanced over at the sweetly sleeping babies. The treatment made her sick, weak, helpless. She couldn’t put Dex through this. He had the babies to think about.

  “No,” she whispered, her fingers pressed against her lips. She couldn’t do this to the people she loved. Not again. Not to the uncles, and not to Dex. He was such a good man, he’d stand by her, she knew he would, but he didn’t deserve this. He needed to save his energy for the babies, not waste it on her.

  Crystal surged to her feet and ran up the stairs to Dex’s office. She rummaged around on his desk until she found the phone number of the nanny agency he’d used before he hired her. She’d find him a new nanny, one that would be good for Dex and the girls, and then she’d leave. Go somewhere far away so Dex and the babies and her uncles weren’t burdened by her. She didn’t want to be a burden on anyone anymore. Not ever again.

  * * * * *

  Dex couldn’t wait to see his girls. All three of them. He never knew he could miss anyone so much. His family, he thought as he pulled into the garage and hit the button to shut the door. Crystal better hurry up and admit she loved him, because this was killing him. For four days, every time he called her, he’d told her he loved her, but she never said it in return.

  He gathered his briefcase, his suit jacket, and his cell phone, and left the SUV. When he opened the door to the house, he called, “Sweetheart? I’m home.”

  The woman who rounded the corner into the kitchen from the living room was not Crystal. She was tall and stout, dark-haired and in her late forties.

  “Who the hell are you?” he demanded, dropping his briefcase and jacket onto the kitchen table. “Where’s my babies?”

  “I’m Janet Barber, Mr. Williams. Crystal hired me to replace her. I’m your new nanny, should you wish to keep me on.” She held out a folded piece of paper to him.

  He took the paper. As he read, he sank down onto the nearest chair.

  Dear Dex,

  I hired Ms. Barber to replace me so the girls would still be taken care of. She’s good, and she’s worked with infant twins before. I hired her from the agency you had hired nannies before. She knows that you have final say in her employment, but I do feel she’ll be good for the girls.

  I needed to go. Our relationship was moving too fast for me, and I’m not ready, will probably never be ready, for what you and the babies need.

  Good-bye Dex,

  Love, Crystal

  Dex stared at the letter, rereading it several times, before he looked up at Janet Barber. “Did she tell you why she hired you?”

  Ms. Barber shook her head. “Just that you were out of town, and she needed to leave but couldn’t leave you without a replacement.”

  “Would you excuse me for a minute?” He stood up. “I need to go across the street.”

  Ms. Barber nodded, and he headed out the front door and across the road to the uncles’ house. All three sat on the porch, looking grim.

  “Where’d she go?”

  Uncle Charlie shrugged but never raised his gaze from his lap.

  Jerald got up and went into the house without a word.

  “She came by and asked to borrow some camping gear,” Gus said. “She loaded it up in her car and left.”

  Camping? What the hell? “When was this?”

  “About two hours ago.”

  Charlie’s rocking chair squeaked the floorboards, but Dex didn’t think he even knew he was rocking.

  “What the hell happened?” Dex asked. “I just talked to her a couple of hours ago when I was leaving Bellingham. She didn’t mention the new nanny or leaving.”

  Gus stood up and came down the steps. “Son,” he said, laying a hand on Dex’s shoulder. “She was crying when she was here. She didn’t want us to see it, but we’ve known that little girl long enough to know she was hurtin’. She wouldn’t talk to us, though, wouldn’t tell us nuthin’. All she said to us as she was getting in her car was that she didn’t know when or if she’d be back.”

  Dex leaned against the handrail at the bottom of the stairs, feeling as if he’d been slugged in the solar plexus. Had he done something wrong? Had he pushed too hard?

  Obviously.

  But she’d said she wanted the fairy tale, hadn’t she? That first morning, in the kitchen. She wanted a happily ever after. He wanted to be the one to give it to her. Didn’t she love him even a little?

  “Dexter,” Gus said. “I don’t think this is your fault.”

  Dex looked into the old man’s eyes. “Then why’d she leave? Has she done this before?”

  Gus shook his head. “No. She’s never run off before. We tried to stop her, to talk her out of it, but she was adamant.” Gus looked across the street, and then further down. “All she said was that this was something she had to do and that we’d be better off if she left.”

  Dex frowned. “What the hell is that supposed to mean? We’re not better off without her. You need her, the girls need her.”

  “And you, too, right?”

  God, did he ever need her. “What do we do?” he asked.

  Gus shrugged and shoved his hands into the pockets of his baggy jeans. “I guess we wait until she’s ready to come home and tell us what’s wrong. She’s old enough to make her own decisions.”

  “She’s being contrary,” Charlie said and, though his voice was gruff, Dex couldn’t miss the hurt behind the words.

  Dex didn’t know what to say. He rubbed the back of his neck and glanced at his house. He didn’t want Janet Barber in his house. He wanted Crystal. Crystal was meant to be the babies’ caretaker. Their mother. What the hell was she thinking? He’d thought she was happy. She smiled all the time. For the few days before he left for Bellingham, they’d shared a bed, and he thought he was making her happy there, too.

  He should have kept his feelings for her to himself. She hadn’t been ready. She was still too hurt from her ex-husband’s betrayal to let anyone else close. He should have known better.

  But what the hell did he know about relationships? He’d never been in love before. He had wanted to tell her that he loved her because it was such a new and exciting thing to him. He’d never experienced the level of need and hope and joy that she instilled in him.

  And now she was gone, shattering the hope and the brittle dreams of a future he’d allowed himself to have.

  “She’ll be back,” Gus said softly, then leaned in and whispered, “I don’t think she’ll leave Charlie for long.”

  Dex nodded. Even if she came back for Charlie, it didn’t mean she’d come back for him.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Gus glanced
out through the front door to see Charlie sitting in the dark, rocking, rocking, rocking in his chair on the porch.

  “He needs to come in,” Jerald said as he stepped up beside Charlie. “It’s getting late.”

  Gus nodded. Charlie hadn’t moved all afternoon, hadn’t eaten supper. Gus had never seen his friend so despondent. And it was all Crystal’s fault. What the hell had the girl been thinking to leave like that? To leave and tell them she didn’t know if she was coming back.

  “I want to turn her over my knee,” Jerald grumbled. “She had no right doing this to him.”

  “Something has to be seriously wrong for her to act like this. She’s always been so levelheaded. So strong. She’s never run away from anything.”

  “You think it has to do with the boy over there and his kids?”

  Gus crossed his arms and watched Charlie rock. “I don’t see how. She seemed so happy with him. And it’s obvious how much she loves those babies.”

  A realization came to Gus and he turned toward Jerald. “She’s sick.”

  Jerald frowned and shook his head. “What do you mean?”

  “She had that doctor’s appointment last week. I think she’s sick again.”

  Jerald shook his head. “She wouldn’t run off if she was sick. We were there for her through all of it before. Why would she leave?”

  Gus didn’t know why, either, but what else could it be? He knew how hard dealing with the cancer had been for her, but she depended on them to help her, just like they depended on her for her company and all the odds and ends things she did for them every day. They were family. They needed each other.

  “Charlie’s heart,” Jerald said. “You saw how worried she was about him when he had the angina attack. If she’s sick, she might not want to worry him.”

  “He’s going to worry until she comes home,” Gus said, turning back to watch Charlie. “And the worry is going to be much worse on him than helping her through her illness, if that’s why she left.”

  “Still want to turn her over my knee. She has no right putting us through this. No damn right at all. She should know better.” Jerald headed for the stairs.

  Gus went out to the porch to try to coax Charlie inside.

  * * * * *

  Crystal laid in her borrowed tent, listening to the sounds of the night around her. Crickets chirped, and she wondered what exactly was making the bushes rustle. Sleep was not coming as fast as she’d hoped. She hadn’t slept in a tent, on the ground, since she was a kid, and now she knew why. Her back was already killing her, and the ground might as well have been made of concrete as hard as it was. The sleeping bag did little to cushion her bony body.

  Could she be any dumber?

  She could be in Dex’s bed right now, with him curled around her, his warm breath on her neck, his big hand settled over her side. She could be warm and safe and...

  Damn her tears! She swiped them away and rolled to her other side. Her hip dug into the ground.

  Guilt ate at her, too. The look on Charlie’s face as she drove away hung in her mind’s eye, mocking her. She was leaving so he didn’t have to deal with her illness anymore, but the pain she’d caused simply by leaving was going to kill her. He’d pleaded with her not to go. Had held her hand in his old, arthritic paw and asked her why she was leaving. She hadn’t been able to tell him the truth. Never in her life had she lied to him. He was the one constant in her life. All the uncles were.

  She missed the uncles, the babies, and most of all, Dex. Had she hurt him by leaving? Maybe she should have explained. But then, if she had, he surely would have told the uncles, and she didn’t want them to know.

  She didn’t mean to hurt all the men she loved. She wanted to do what would be best for them. But the look in Charlie’s eyes...

  Stop it, you dumb girl. Stop it right now. You did the right thing. They’ll get over it. When you’re well, you can go back and tell them why you left. Later. After you’ve gotten through this.

  Another tear slipped from her eye. What if I don’t make it this time? What if the cancer beats me? I don’t want to...die alone.

  With a growl, she sat up. She’d sleep in the car. It was not only more comfortable, it was probably safer. Bears roamed these woods. And wolves. Coyotes. She pushed the sleeping bag down her legs and unzipped the tent flap, peeking out to see if any beasties were around. She didn’t see anything, but then, there was still a hundred-eighty degrees she couldn’t see.

  She grabbed her sleeping bag and keys and ran for the car. Something crunched the underbrush near the campsite. She whimpered and fumbled with the lock, finally getting the key in. Jumping into the car, she threw the sleeping bag on the passenger seat, then slammed the door, relocking it with her safely on the inside.

  Stupid, stupid, stupid of her to go camping by herself. She was a city-girl born and raised. She enjoyed necessities like running water and flushing toilets, locking doors and security alarms. But she couldn’t afford a motel, and she had nowhere else to go. She’d given up her apartment.

  She’d just given up everything important to her, she realized. Everyone. Even if she did make it through this bout of cancer, would they want her back after she’d walked out on them without an explanation? The uncles might, but she doubted Dex would. He’d told her once that he didn’t believe in the love between men and women. Had she just proven him right? That it was too breakable? Had she hurt him when she left, or had their affair been just an affair? Maybe he told every woman he bedded that he loved them.

  She scrubbed her hands over her face and fought back a scream of frustration. She didn’t know. She didn’t know anything anymore.

  How could she ask these men in her life to deal with her illness? But how could she face it all alone? She didn’t do alone well. Glancing out into the darkness, she shivered. She hated being alone.

  Crystal laid back the passenger side seat, spread out the sleeping bag as well as she could, then slipped over the console and into the bag. Then she zipped it up to her neck. It wasn’t even cold, but she was chilled. From within. Scared. Very, very scared. She honestly didn’t know what to do.

  She closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths, trying to calm her racing thoughts. It didn’t work. With her eyes closed, she saw the faces of everyone she loved. Charlie, Gus, Jerald, Dex and the babies. God, she missed the babies. Her babies. When Dex had called her Mommy, she’d never wanted anything more than for that to be the truth.

  Would he want her back if she returned? Should she go now or after she got through the cancer?

  What if she didn’t make it this time? What if she never got the chance to tell Dex she loved him?

  She bit her lip and fought back the tears. Be strong. Be strong. Be strong.

  A sob slipped out, and she curled into a ball, hugging her knees to her chest. How could she be strong if she was alone?

  How could she ask Dex to deal with her cancer?

  I love you, Crys. He said it often. He said it while he looked into her eyes. He meant the words. But their relationship was so new...

  * * * * *

  Dex didn’t think he’d ever been to a more depressing party. The uncles’ backyard was decorated with red, white and blue streamers. The tiki torches flickered in the dying daylight, while Gus manned the barbeque.

  But Charlie sat in his chair on the back porch, holding Ruby and rocking.

  Jerald sat in a lawn chair a few feet away holding Amber.

  The other guests from the neighborhood, a dozen or so in total, all seemed rather subdued, also. Even the music the uncles were playing on the portable stereo was depressing. Amazing how the disappearance of one little woman could bring the world to a screeching halt.

  Damn her for doing this!

  The twins had been grouchy ever since she left. He was doing everything for them that Crystal always did, but nothing made them happy. They’d grown attached to her and felt her loss as keenly as he did.

  The uncles looked as if they were all r
eady to give up, especially Charlie. He came over the day before, sat on the sofa for hours, and just held the girls.

  What the hell was Crystal thinking? How could she do this to these poor old men? How could she have walked out on him? On Ruby and Amber who needed her? How selfish could one woman be? Was it all him? Had she left and put her uncles through hell because he had pushed too hard for more? All he’d done was tell her he loved her. How could that be so wrong?

  Dex pushed to his feet and wandered over to Gus, grabbing a couple of potato chips from the food table as he went.

  “The steaks are just about done,” Gus said.

  Dex nodded. “Is Charlie going to be all right? I’m really worried about him.”

  Gus glanced at the porch, then went back to poking the steaks with long barbeque tongs. “I hope so. I wish we had some idea where she’d gone. He’s angry she left, and he’s worried about her. We all are.”

  Dex nodded. He was downright furious. “Are you sure she never said why she was leaving? Is it me?” He desperately needed to know.

  Gus shook his head. “She just said she needed some time.” Gus glanced at him. “Jerald and I have been thinking that maybe...”

  “What?” Dex prodded.

  “Maybe the cancer is back.”

  Dex frowned even as his heart tumbled in his chest. “Why the hell would that make her run off?”

  With a shrug, Gus said, “We haven’t figured that out, unless it’s because she’s worried about how Charlie will handle it. We’re only guessing, we really don’t know, but it’s the only logical answer we can come up with.” He looked back at Dex. “Maybe she was afraid you’d...leave her.”

  Fury burned in Dex’s gut. “Because of that fucking asshole she’d been married to? She’s comparing me to him? I’m nothing like that. I’d never leave her because she was sick. My God, Gus. Is that what she thinks of me?” He slashed his hand through his hair. “This is such bullshit. You’ve got to have some idea where she might have gone. Some friend somewhere? Another relative? We need to find her and get to the bottom of this.”